November 16- Learning To Weigh In

This will be a follow up to my last post. The next step to making a good choice of anything after doing good research on all options is to weigh in all the pros and cons of each option you have. Using that list, you can then see which option would be worth the time, stress, or even money if money happens to be involved. In order to illustrate how to do this, I will use two virtual worlds, Second Life and Utherverse. Just to be absolutely clear, this illustration is for example only and not to try and force anyone to join either one, so to those people who want to think otherwise, think whatever you like. Also, this illustration is based on my personal opinion and others may feel differently.

Let me begin with Utherverse.

Pros: clearer and more realistic graphics and movements, easier clothing placement, option to auction off rays (the name of the in-world currency) privately for real cash, VIP benefits come immediately and can be gifted to another member who may be less fortunate, free first property comes with unlimited dimensions and can be decorated however the user can imagine it, an option to become an affiliate and earn actual cash money on a commission basis for those whom you get to become a paid member, and more easier ways to earn rays daily

Cons: when you send messages to non-friends it costs .10 rays for each message, lags more often than most, codes need to be learned in order to dress up avatar (to some this may be more a pro than a con, but not to others), ticket system takes forever for problems to be dealt with, and there is a limit on how many people can be in a certain area

Next we have Second Life.

Pros: ability to fly in lands that allow flying, no codes are needed to dress avatar, no limit on number of people allowed in a certain area, and has more choices that are sure to match whatever a user is interested in

Cons: editing outfits to fit an avatar can be troublesome to most people, outfits that cannot be re-sized require a resizing of the avatar making previous edited clothing no longer fitting properly, lags, premium benefits cannot be gifted to a less fortunate person, premium benefits take 45 days before being given, free home can only be decorated within a set limit of prims (building blocks of objects in-world; the more prims an object has, the more strain it makes on the server to make the object appear in-world) thereby making what appears to be a two room home look only partially furnished unless a higher tier is purchased that allows more prim space or low-prim furniture is purchased, user is allotted a certain amount of land holding and is only added on to with purchase of a higher tier level, live support link takes you straight to the forums in which issues that are posted do not get dealt with except by other users who may or may not be kind enough to the person with the issue and can sometimes result in all out flame war, not enough ways to earn lindens (currency in-world), basic members do not have the option of live support and therefore have problems getting their issue resolved (due to the ticket system being slow to respond, people in the forums may be just as less knowledgeable on the users problem, or having to rely on their limited knowledge of computer lingo when looking it up on the wiki), some Sims lag worse than others depending on amount of objects within the Sim, and graphics are neither clear nor realistic and sometimes send a person walking into space even when the person does not press any movement keys

Okay, so now once you have the pros and cons of each choice listed for whatever you are trying to decide upon (again not necessarily these things that I have used as an example) , you can see more clearly what in your own opinion would be the better choice that would end up being more time efficient, less stressful, and if it will be well worth paying for should any money be involved. You may have different opinions than others, but it is ultimately up to you to make the correct choice based on your own opinions and not those of others. Anyway, that is my post for today. Take care and be safe always.

November 14- Make An Informed Decision

Today, I learned yet another lesson when it comes to paying for memberships to virtual worlds. Never pay a single dollar until you explore all the virtual worlds possible in order to make an informed decision on which one you find is best for your tastes. That way you do not get stuck on a virtual world program that you begin to hate and then not be able to get a refund.

In my opinion, for things such as a special membership to a certain virtual world, they should not have a no refund policy or at least have an exception to where you can be allowed a refund if at any time you become dissatisfied with the virtual world. I mean, it just doesn't seem fair that if someone were to pay for an entire year and then become unhappy with the virtual world, they would be stuck either having to continue going to the world to get their money's worth or lose whatever they invested.

Of course, if they were to buy clothing or other avatar items, I can see where they would not be allowed a refund because that is something that you pay only one time for and requires no other payments in order to renew something to continue using the clothing or other avatar item. A membership, even when paid yearly, has to be renewed when it comes time and therefore requires even more money to do so. It is this difference that makes it so unfair to have to worry about not getting a refund upon dissatisfaction of the customer at any time.

Course, I don't think that it will ever be made this way, so my advice is to just to explore all the virtual worlds that they have out there and form your own opinion on which one works best for you before paying for any membership that might end up losing your money on should you not wish to stay on it. Also, when choosing to pay a virtual world membership, make sure it is one that you know beyond the shadow of a doubt you will be happy for the term of the membership. Another option is not to pay an entire year to begin with. Pay once a month even if it might end up costing more in the long run if you do stay the entire year. That way at least after the month is up, you can choose whether or not to renew the membership based on your previous month you had with them and can leave at anytime after the month is up without losing the money you invested.

That's it for today. Take care, be safe, and always make an informed decision before making the same mistake I did.

November 11- Dead Again

On this 11th day of November in the year 2010, I sadly announce that at 1:58 P.M. John Wesley Bordelon has died. His death came suddenly after the news that his grandmother on George Bordelon's (the man who John wrote about in one of his past posts on here) side of the family had passed away. I have reason to believe it was not the fact of her passing that killed him, but rather it was how he had to find out about it. Instead of anyone in his family calling to tell him, he had to find out on his own through the social network called Facebook.

No one be alarmed though, for his death was not one of a true death as the body giving out and the soul leaving it to go on into the next life. Rather it was one of an emotional, mental, and spiritual passing. Let us rejoice that we now have a new birth to celebrate on the eve of this tragic news. Kayden Renee Phoenix can now live and breathe freely as she has always wished to do so. No longer shall she hide her true self to have people only seeing her for the male body she somehow was born in. She just has these words to say on the dawning of her new life, "I am what I am, and those who don't like it can go suck an egg! I don't care anymore that my body is wrong, and I will be correcting it in the future. I could care less what anyone else feels about it. Hardly anyone ever cared about my feelings, so I give the one finger salute to those who dare to try and make me give a rat's behind about their hypocritical, selfish, and judgmental attitude toward me with my living the life I should have been from the very start!"

I also extend my deepest sympathy (NOT!!!!!!) to the Bordelon family for having lost two of their members within the span of a week.

November 9- Planning My Future

I have been thinking about my life as it stands today, and I got to realizing that I need to make a change in the direction in which it seems to be going now. I have only once rented my own place until the rent went up too high for me to be able to pay it on just my disability. Other than that, I have been either homeless, in jail, or relying too much on others to take me in.

I think now is the best time to change all that. I decided that I will divide all my plans into 3 year terms. My first 3 year plan will be working on my first goal of once again renting a place for me and my son to live. To do that, I have to find a part time job within 1 year, then the next will be finding a 2 bedroom place to rent, and then finally living in my own rented house or apartment.

The next 3 years will be working on getting off of rent and finally owning a home of my own. Year one will be working at my part time job and saving the money I will need all the while continuing to pay my rent and other bills with my disability checks and some of my work pay. Year two will be pretty much the same as well as finding an affordable 2 bedroom house to buy. Of course by the end of year three, I hopefully will have succeeded in purchasing a nice 2 bedroom home and beginning to live in it.

The next 3 years will be all about working up to a 3 bedroom home. I will also by this time be finding a full time job that pays more than my disability will and provides insurance to where I no longer have to be confined to a once a month income. With that income, the next year will be maintaining my 2 bedroom home and the bills as well as saving for the 3 bedroom one. I will also be looking for the 3 bedroom home which by the end of the third year, I will have sold my 2 bedroom home, bought my 3 bedroom one, and then living in it.

Now here is the big question. Should I keep going further to my ultimate goal when it comes to housing of having a 5 bedroom house or should I just stick with my 3 bedroom one? I really do wish to have 5 bedrooms so that I can have a bedroom for my son, one for me, a guest room, a computer room, and of course one for my fantasy room where all my fantasies are given a place of their own to play. That one will always be off limits to anyone unless they are 18 or older and participating in my fantasies. I know I can always do without that special room, but it still would be nice to have. If I stick my 3 bedroom house, I can always make the 3 bedroom my fantasy room, but then the guests would have to sleep in the living room and my computer will have to be kept in my room. I don't like the idea of guests sleeping in the living room because I feel if they are kind enough to come visit for a week or two, they should be treated with the same respect as all occupants of the house have and be allowed to have their own room for the time they are staying over. It's weird, but I'm just respectful in that way. I would want to make sure they are comfortable during their stay and then maybe they will come back to stay another time after that as well.

Whatever I do decide, I'll have the same house rules that will apply to occupants and guests alike. Rule one: No alcohol in the house. You can go out and drink, but don't come to my house drunk. Rule two: No drugs in the house. I don't care if you go somewhere else to get stoned, but if you come to my house and even appear to be stoned, I will ask you to leave. Rule three: Respect everyone that visits the house with the same respect as those who live there. Rule four: What is said and done in the house whether you live there or visit, once you walk out the doors, you leave it behind those doors. There will be no gossiping or telling other people what is said and done in my house. If it is found that someone is, then that person will no longer be living or allowed to visit in my home. Rule five: Even as a guest, my home is your home and therefore you will be allowed to serve your self or even fix your own meals if you so wish as long as you fix enough for everyone. You will also be bound by my rules of the house once you walk into my doors. Rule six: You clean after yourself. You dirty it, you clean it. There will be no maid or butler in the home as everyone is an equal (unless of course it is my master or mistress that is telling me what to do as their slave girl).

That's all I have for today. Take care and be safe always everyone.

November 6th- God Works In Mysterious Ways

Yesterday, I posted a comment on a friend's journal on another site. It was something that I had been feeling in my heart about the whole gender identity and what religion has to do with it. I told this person that it's the soul and not the body that makes the gender. I even went and explained my theory to my birth father. I first asked him what he felt determined our gender, and his answer was the heart. I then told him that he was wrong because the heart is something that can always be artificially made just as much as everything else inside of a human being except for one thing. That one thing is the soul.

Science tries so hard to make everyone believe that a human is made by science, and religion tries so hard to make them believe they are made by God. They are both right. Our body is nothing but a vessel that is indeed created by the man and woman's genes and chromosomes that determine what the body will look like. It is the soul that brings the body to life, is made by God, makes us human, and thereby determines what gender we actually are. This was what I explained to my birth father after which he agreed with me.

Now, I was not really looking for an answer to a question, but rather even without asking out loud, I felt something stirring in me that screamed out to have some kind of confirmation that what I had theorized was indeed the truth. I got that confirmation from watching a show I had just got finished telling my uncle that I would not ever watch again but felt drawn into watching that night after my Smallville show I do watch every Friday night. The show was Supernatural, and on the previous episode that I did manage to catch the end of, there was this demon who made everyone speak nothing but truth of what they really felt inside. That demon told Sam, a character who had been raised up from Hell at the start of the season, that he was not human. Then in last night's episode, the answer was found as to what made Sam to be not human. HE HAD NO SOUL! If the soul is what makes us human, then it is the SOUL that determines what gender we are.

As for how a female soul can wind up in a male body, I have a theory for that as well that has yet to really be confirmed. I believe in rencarnation. I have read some articles online that are both for and against the whole idea but have yet to come to a definite conclusion that my theory based on reincarnation is correct. Maybe for those who are now feeling their soul is the opposite gender than what their body suggests, those are the ones who most likely did begin their very first life as that gender. No matter how many times that soul had been reincarnated or how many times it was done so in the correct body, maybe this time it was in the opposite body.

On one of the sites that actually did agree with reincarnation, it used Jesus' words, “Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” as an example that reincarnation is a fact. The way they interpreted it was that "in order for anyone TO (literally) SEE the Kingdom of God (light-years down the road), they must be born again ... and again … and again ... via a series of earthly incarnations until they achieve that level of awareness!". Now, who is really to say that maybe during this time around (whether it be the first reincarnation, the last, or anywhere in between) the soul wound up in the wrong body? No one really knows. All I do know is what was confirmed last night that our soul does indeed make our gender and not what our body appears to look like on the outside.

That's it for today. Take care, be safe always everyone, and keep checking for new posts each day for you never know when I may post a new entry.

November 4- Back With A Vengance

I'm back after a long time of being away, and I've got a very heated message to those people who think they can get away with telling another parent how to raise their child. STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY! I'm sick and tired of people who whether they have their own kids or not try to tell someone else how to raise their kids. I'm pissed at those who think they have right to correct a parent when that parent is correcting their kid for not listening to them or other authority figures. I'm furious at those people who go behind a parent's back and let that parent's kid off of any punishment that parent set forth for their child. I'm outraged at those who would show favoritism by not telling their own kids who are now adults and have kids of their own the same thing they tell someone else who is doing the same exact thing as they are.

I could see if the parent is not providing the kids basic needs, not spending any time at all with their children, leaving bruises anywhere on the child from severely beating that child with a belt or anything else for whatever reason, leaving hand prints on a child's neck where they tried to choke the life out of that child, molesting their child in any kind of way, or attempting to kill their child by stepping on that child's chest with weight which could crush the rib cage right into the heart killing that child. Then, I could say there is reason to step in and get that child away from that parent. When I say not spending any time with that child, I mean that as long as you spend at least one or two hours two or three times a day, that should be good enough without someone coming along and saying that your child is not most important in your life. Not spending any time would be leaving a child in their room (or crib if they are that young) for the entire day while you do whatever you want to do. The only exception would be if the kid is older and has misbehaved and you have grounded them to their room. If none of these things I have listed is happening, then other people need to BACK OFF! Let the parent be the parent and stop trying to tell them how to be better! No one is perfect and never will be perfect, so stop trying to act like you are by telling someone else how to raise their kid!

You want to yell at someone or try to take someone's kids away? Stick to the a-holes that actually deserve to have their kids taken away or even thrown in jail for their entire life for molesting, abusing, or even attempting to murder their 16 year old child! In my opinion, those that do that (like George Bordelon and that woman who molested me when I was three) don't even deserve to live another day, but we are all unable to take the law into our own hands. Even those who let these people get away with it (like Cheryl Cunningham when she was married to George), deserve the same because they are just as guilty as the ones who did the act.

August 25- Roadblocks and Dead Ends

It seems every time I try to go one step further with becoming the woman I am inside, I hit a roadblock. Then once I get over that roadblock, I hit a dead end. Today, I went to see my counselor at the mental health clinic I go to with hopes she could at least help get someone who would be able to help me throughout the whole process to come there and see me so that it would save me from lack of transportation issues keeping me from achieving what I feel would be most helpful to me. I already knew from what I was told there was no one there who was qualified to help, and unfortunately getting someone there who is isn't a service they provide either. I was basically told that if I want to pursue this, it is something that I have to do on my own.
Honestly, this is unfair and does not help me at all. I mean, they are supposed to be a mental health clinic that helps patients with whatever they may need to keep them mentally healthy. Shouldn't they also be able to get someone qualified to help me with my issue from somewhere else if they do not have anyone qualified already there? Why should the patient have to get the help on their own if that is what they are supposed to be there for in the first place?
I guess I really am going at this alone. I just wish I knew where to look to find a qualified Gender Psychologist who takes Medicaid and Medicare. I don't know what new route to try and take next, but I do know that I will do whatever it takes to get from point A to point Z. I just have to find someone who knows who I can turn to next. Until I write again, take care and be safe always everyone.

August 19- Further Bible Research Brings New Information to Light

A few days ago, I posted about interpreting the bible and the many ways a person can interpret it to best suit their beliefs. I had stated that God created only men before Adam and Eve because the bibles that I was brought up with only stated, "In His image, He created man. In the image of God He created them.". Well, I just got finished reading this new bible I had gotten a few years back which is now the New King James version with easier to understand translations. In it, the very same passage is also written exactly as before with one added piece,"both male and female He created them." Wait a minute, I was taught that Adam and Eve were the first people on Earth, but I questioned it even then coming to find out from the old bibles that Eve was the first woman on Earth with Adam not being the first man. Now, with all the talk of homosexuality being a sin according to most religions being not so much a sin due to the idea that maybe Adam was not the first man on Earth and the old bible clearly stating that Eve was the first woman on Earth, it seems the people who made the New King James version had to rewrite the very beginning to include that women and men were created before Adam and Eve so that now no one can argue that men were created together before a woman even came into the picture.
Of course, there still are some who believe Adam and Eve were the first and only people God created on Earth. To these people, I am not going to force what I believe on them, but if anyone were to take a further look at the story of Cain and Able, then this is proven to be a lie. They were the sons of Adam and Eve, and no mention of daughters from them ever comes to light. Yet, when Cain slew Able and was cast out of his land, he met his wife in another land. How could this be? Adam and Eve were the first and only people on Earth that God created right? They only had sons and no daughters if I understand correctly. You can stop me whenever I am wrong. So where did this other woman come from then? With these questions I am sure will come more controversy and then the bible will be re-written yet again to suit the religions of the world's purpose as it has been done so many times to try and say homosexuality and bisexuality is an immoral sin.
Let's just face facts and realize that the bible is a lie. It was written by men, edited by men, and reworded to fit each religions purpose by men. They say that the bible is truth because it's "the word of God.", but if that is the case then why whenever a new controversy springs up about anything that threatens the teachings of each religion, it suddenly comes out to where there is a newer translation with whatever changes that needed to be made to once again calm the waters and get people believing those religions once more? It's not the word of God plain and simple. It's the word of man trying to force their religion on others. I don't doubt that maybe there was something written by the men of the bible so long ago that was the actual events that happened before Jesus and after, but those transcripts are forever lost through mans changing it over the years to better suit their own design. Who today truly knows the truths of those times? No one does which is why I say again that whatever you believe may you also keep the faith of that belief strong because without faith in any belief, the belief dies.
As I say at the end of every post, take care and be safe always everyone.

August 18- Two Poems I Wrote

Today, I would like to share two poems that I wrote. One was written about a month or two ago, and the other I wrote this morning. I hope all my readers can understand how I feel by reading these poems.

The Woman Inside

My mom used to always tell me
never judge a book by its cover;
just like an angry man outside
may truly be quite the lover.

Yet, every time I see myself,
it's so hard to get past
the fleeting images of a man
upon whom a life spell has been cast.

Never to be what he really is;
fated it seems to die alone.
Cruel irony must it be,
or past life sins he must atone.

Crying out from within his shell;
a woman no one can see.
Why can't they understand
that truly a woman he must be.

Nevertheless how he was born,
his true self he must hide.
Never to see the light of day,
being the woman he is inside.

Love Is A Lie

Now here I lay me down to sleep
while deep inside my heart does weep.
If I should wake before I die,
I pray the Lord my soul to fly.
For each new day I feel darkness creeping
from all my energy slowly seeping
due to constant battle of the raging fire
to give in again to their desire
to put on veils as I've done before
to become a puppet to the world once more.
Now all I do is sit and cry
knowing full well love is a lie.

There they are. I think these poems speak for themselves and do not require a closing statement. Until the next time I write, take care and be safe always everyone.

August 17- Interpreting the Bible

You Must Be Born Again
I have always asked myself, "Is reincarnation fact or fiction?" After reading the page I have added the link for, I not only can see for myself that it is possible that it could indeed be fact, but also that in many places in the bible it is proven to be fact depending on the way someone interprets the words spoken throughout the whole bible. Could it be true that what Catholics and many other religions try to stick to is their own interpretations of the bible and not what the bible really means?
I have said that there are some things I disagree with my own self. For instance, Sodom and Gomorrah was said by Catholics and many other religions to have been destroyed because of homosexuality, but if you look at the WHOLE text concerning the two cities, I do not believe that to have been the reason for their demise. It also states that they were doing human sacrifices and other things that were displeasing to God. Could it be that maybe it was never about homosexuality at all?
Another thing that grabbed my attention once when reading the very beginning of the bible even before Adam and Eve came about. It clearly states and I quote, "In the beginning, God created MAN in His own image. In His own image, he created them." THEN, it goes on to say how god created Adam. No where in the creation of Adam does it specify that he was the FIRST man to have been created. However, when it says God created Eve, it does say that SHE was the FIRST woman on Earth. Adam had called her woman because she came from his rib. God did not create any woman before Eve, and the proof is in the fact that it was Adam that gave name to God's creation Eve. So to rebuke the old saying, "God created Adam and Eve; not Adam and Steve.", I say that He most certainly did create many men together before Adam and Eve even came to be. Now maybe they were in a different part of the world than the first men God created, but Adam was not the first man. If you choose to argue with me on this, then let us move along to my next point and then tell me which would you rather believe to be correct.
My next point, if in fact Adam and Eve were the very first people on Earth, they had children, and their children had children, but who did they have them with if there were no other people on Earth? You would be telling me that incest is very clearly stated in the bible to be the normal thing to do even though laws strictly forbid it since the children of Adam and Eve had to sleep with each other to have children of their own if in fact Adam and Eve where the only ones on Earth. Now, which do you believe to be more accurate? Incest, or the possibility that gay and bisexuality did exist in the bible and therefore is not a sin as Catholics and other religions try hard to prove it is?
Last thing I wonder about, but still have no proof of as of yet, could it be God was not a man, but a female. I do know in many places it states that God is nothing more than a light even brighter than the sun. So why did whoever interpreted the bible choose to refer to God as a man by always using masculine pronouns? I think since it was back in the days when women were viewed as inferior to men, of course God will have to be a man so as to keep the women in check and not have them rebelling with the mistake of using a Goddess in the very book that most women follow more so than men instead of a God. Still, like I said there is no real proof as to what the highest of the high powers really was, but I choose for it to be a Goddess. I also believe that the word angels used in the bible actually referred to the high powers that report to the Goddess. Again, there is no real proof other than the bible has been proven that it can be interpreted in whatever way to suit whoever is trying to force their religion on someone else. I by no means am trying to force my belief on anyone but rather encourage everyone to believe in whatever you find you can have faith in easily. Until next time, take care and be safe always.

"Faith is the driving force behind any belief. Without faith, the belief is dead."- Deanna Michelle Starspear

August 14- Gorean Bondage?

I have this new person that I accepted an add request from on Facebook. At first, I only added her like I do everyone else that sends me a friend request and politely wrote on her wall thanking her for adding me. I always add people no matter if I know them or not because I don't mind getting to know someone new, but then if any of them start to ask for money or make it seem like they are scammers, I just immediately delete them from my friends.
Anyway, so after writing on her wall, she begins to ask me what it is I wanted to know about the lifestyle, so I figure she must have been someone who saw my post on the wall of one of my BDSM groups and was responding to that. We got to talking back and forth about how new I was to the whole BDSM scene and my little experiences that I have had. She then asks me if I was into BDSM or Gorean and whether I was a slave or a sub. Of course, I respond that I was so new to the whole thing I didn't really know the difference between a slave or a sub making me unable to really say which I was. I had also asked her just what was Gorean and how did it differ from BDSM. She gave no answer to that but after my telling her what I was looking for out of the lifestyle, she guessed that I was in between a slave and sub, but leaning more to just sub. I guess she is right on that point. With my lack of knowledge, I really cannot argue the point.
She then informs me that she would like to train me on IMVU starting on the 1st or 2nd of next month when she gets her computer running again. I registered and installed the IMVU messenger and let her know that I had. She told me again that she would train me, but that it would be in the Gorean ways. Once again, I struggle in my mind with what exactly is Gorean and how does it differ from BDSM. Even after trying to research the subject and coming up with only a few points of fact of what it actually is (Gorean bondage pretty much derived from a science fiction novel, it's a 24/7 total power exchange between master/slave or mistress/slave, and there are no safe or stop words used), I am still left clueless as to how that differs from BDSM. I do know that there are some BDSM lifestyle people that do not wish to use safe or stop words, and actually do want a 24/7 total power exchange.
The only difference I see so far is that BDSM did not derive from any fictional book making it the most realistic form of bondage in my personal opinion. Also the fact that there are some who just wish to have sessions of play time and then go on with their normal everyday lives after the session is over with, but couldn't the same be true for those who practice Gorean bondage? To me, it all depends if people are doing it for money or if they are doing it with the one they love. If anyone only does BDSM or Gorean on the one they love, then of course it will most likely be a 24/7 lifestyle. However, it would be different for those doing it for the money. Still, I do realize that even in a relationship there are some who only do session at a time with each other, so I guess maybe Gorean would be different in that aspect. I have said it before, I am in no position to say what is correct and what is not with my lack of knowledge of the whole thing. I can say this though, my curiosity is once again peeked, and I will venture forth to learn as much as I can about this new lifestyle presented to me without forgetting to also learn more about BDSM in case the whole Gorean lifestyle doesn't suit me as much as my BDSM does.
Until next time I write, remember to take care and be safe always everyone.

August 12- I'm Not A Man; Not Yet A Woman.

I realize now that there is so much I have to do in order to be the woman I am inside. For one, I have to find someone experienced in the field of gender identity. The counselor I have is okay if I just want someone I know will be non-judgmental to talk to, but I honestly must find some way to get a hold of someone that actually knows what they are doing and can help me instead of making me feel like a crash test dummy for them to learn about this from. I'm not supposed to be seeing a counselor to be a teacher to THEM. They are supposed to be able to coach ME on what happens and what I should do to get to each step needed in the transition process.
I went to see her for the first time Tuesday morning. It was an okay meeting, and she learned a lot about me and how I feel inside. It was great to be able to get a lot of things off of my chest, but I feel it could have gone better. I know that the first few sessions are a getting to know period, but right from the get go, she admitted to not being skilled in the area of gender identity. She didn't even do research before I got there as I thought she might have. For that reason, most of the session was me teaching her the difference between gender identity and sexuality for she believed like most people do that the two were intertwined with each other as far as a transsexual to be someone who is gay or bisexual and cold not be straight. Of course, thanks to my research, I know that to be untrue. Depending on whether it is a male to female transsexual or a female to male transsexual, a transsexual can indeed be straight by going with the opposite sex of which they are trying to become. They could also go with the same sex or both or even none at all. Gender is not sex and sex is not gender. All I know is that I am not a man because I don't feel like one, but I am also not yet a woman until I complete my transition.
One other thing I want to talk about is the taboos surrounding men and women. My online mommy was telling me the other day about some guys getting on her about her knowledge of cars because they feel she is a girl so being such prohibits her knowledge of cars being taken seriously. I have had pretty much the same experience, but on the opposite end of the spectrum. It happened yesterday when my daughter's mother returned from picking up our daughter from nursery. I have been staying at my mom's house these past few days watching my son because he could not go to nursery due to hand, foot, and mouth disease. I was outside in the front yard with him watching him very carefully and making sure he was safe. Of course, she freaked and jumped my bones about having him in the front yard near the street which he wasn't even close to being. Anyway, she went in and my mom came out, and told me that a woman is always right no matter what, so even though I was watching him the best I could and keeping him safe, I had to tell Crystal that it was stupid of me to have him in the front yard thereby ceasing any argument from taking place. What the hell? First thing I was thinking was, "Why should a man (or a person who is seen as such) have to give in to a woman just for being a man? Since when did women become so powerful that men have to grovel and apologize even when they did nothing wrong?" The next thing that came to mind was, "So because I am seen as a man, I'm not supposed to know how to keep my child safe more than what a woman can do?" There seems to be people who do not realize that women are just as EQUAL to men as men are EQUAL to women. There are some things that women know that men know too, and maybe they may know even better than the women. Then there are some things that men know that women also know, and maybe they may know even better than the men. Today's society needs to open their eyes and stop putting gender into categories of what each gender can or cannot do or are supposed to know. Especially now with the whole idea of gender being broadened to include those who were born in a male or female body, but have minds and souls of the opposite gender. Then, let's not forget all the other gender categories that fall under the whole transgender umbrella. They too deserve just as equal of rights to know and be able to do whatever they wish to do despite what they may appear to be or may actually be.
That's all I have for today. Until next time that I write, take care and be safe always everyone.

August 9- One Horrible Sunday

Yesterday had to have been one of my worst Sundays ever. It started out bad and then just went from bad to really worse. Before I explain what happened, I have to talk about my non-uncle Uncle Leonie. I call him my non-uncle because I only knew him as an uncle after being introduced to him as being such to me when I found my birth parents again at age 19. It wasn't until he let me move in with him that he explained that he was once married to my birth mom's sister, Dorothy. He also said that since they were divorced, he really is not my uncle anymore. I still consider him my uncle though because he has been that since I first met him. I have to admit it was very nice of him to let me move in with him, but I am beginning to see that he did so not just to help me get out of the boarding home I was living in, but also because he has had the hots for me since he first met me. To me, it's a little creepy, and I don't think it would work out for us. One because I still see him as my uncle. Two because he is honestly not the type of man I am really seeking since he does not seem that much of a manly man. Three because I am not his type being I want to be a woman, and he does not like woman type men. Finally because he makes me feel so left out whenever he goes off with his family and does not bring me.
Anyway, yesterday started off as one of those times where he went off with his family and left me at home. Then my dad started his "poor poor me" talk about how he is homeless, jobless, and damn near penniless. I am so sick and tired of him complaining but not making any moves to change things. No, instead he keeps going on and on with excuses why he can't change anything. I wound up basically telling him to either do something about his situation or stop bitching. Of course, this only wound him up more. He asked how I expected him to change his situation to which I told him to go out and find a job. He asked me how, and I told him that I would let him get online to look or he could look in the newspaper. To this, he said that no one would hire a 61 year old man, but I came back at him with, "How do you know? You don't even look, so how would you know who will or won't?" Then we continued back and forth about this until the subject of him taking control of his life came up. He tried to argue that he lost control of his own life when they kicked him out from where he was staying before for not paying the rent due to his drinking. I told him to get it back, and he asked how again. I replied that he just needed to grab a hold of his life by the horns and run with it. I then ended the fight with the quote, "When the horse kicks you off, get back on and ride it again. Never give up." and also by telling him to stop having a pity party because I was sick of it.
We spent the rest of the day not speaking to each other. When my uncle returned, we went bring my son back to Crystal. We got home, and immediately he took off to (what we were told by my dad) get some crabs to bring home to boil for supper. Turns out, him and his family went out to eat somewhere they had all you can eat crabs further leaving me out from his family. They didn't get back until well after 11 P.M. My Uncle Jr. (who had come over from Florida with Leonie's daughter, Crystal, and son, Sage) and I wound up eating hot dogs. I was so pissed that they could go out to eat some hot fresh boiled crabs, and we were stuck eating plain ass hot dogs and chili. I'm still furious.
The worst part that came before Leonie, Crystal, Craig, Craig's son, and Sage returned home from their wonderful crab meal. My ex Crystal had called me and informed me that Tiffany had called. It seems Tiffany's grandma, Maw-Maw Chickie, had called Tiffany and told her that Crystal had left the country with Austin in an attempt to scare Tiffany into calling to check up on her son more often. Tiffany had told Maw-Maw Chickie that Crystal had no right to take HER son anywhere. Chickie then asked, "Oh? He's your son? When was the last time you saw him?"
Tiffany replied, "Mother's Day." Next question was, "When was the last time you called to check up on him?" and the answer was again, "Mother's Day.". Third and final question was, "When was the last time you went to see him?" and the answer was the same. Maw-Maw then said plainly, "If you haven't called to check up on him for three months, gone to see him in the past three months, or even gave any money to help support him in the past three months, you are not a mother to be calling him YOUR son." Maw-Maw Chickie had once told me about how Tiffany basically told her that she has no time for Austin. Her work, boyfriend, and busy lifestyle (Being online all the time when not at work is a busy lifestyle now? Interesting. Never knew that.) were too much for her to have anything to do with Austin right now. Well, seems Tiffany has also said the same thing to Katrisha Autin and many others. It was also said by Tiffany that for Mother's Day, Austin did not want to leave Tiffany's lap, but according to Crystal, he wanted nothing to do with her. It was said that when Tiffany asked Austin to "Come to Momma.", he looked at Crystal and then went the opposite way away from Tiffany. To top things off, Tiffany sent me an email crying that she wants to spend more time with HER son whom she just loves and misses so very much. (being sarcastic here of course). Tiffany wanted me to give her my new phone number, which I refused to do. She also finished it off with, "Austin needs to know his mother. Even Maw-Maw Chickie would agree with that." I replied, "Maw-Maw Chickie may agree that Austin needs to know his mother, but she would also agree that you are not putting forth any effort whatsoever to BE his mother." I even got on her about how she is always only calling to ask if Austin can talk yet. I truly feel that she is waiting in the shadows until he is able to talk and then will try to step in and take him from Crystal and me. I dare her to try. I am going to do anything and everything to keep her from getting Austin. At this point, I don't even care if I get him or not, as long as he is safe and NOT with her.
Bottom line is that my Sunday sucked, and I pray today will be better. I go to see my counselor for the first time Tuesday, and hopefully that goes well too. Until I write again, take care and be safe always everyone.

August 6- Succcessful Psychiatric Appoinment

Today, I went to see my psychiatrist. I was so afraid that it would not go well when I told her how I have been feeling since the age of 12, but to my surprise, she took it a lot better than I thought. She listened as I explained to her that I felt more like a woman than a man and how I wanted to take steps toward becoming a woman. She then asked me if I knew what steps I would have to take. I told her the first step was to have counseling, so she set me up with a counselor where I go to see her. She did admit that they were not trained in the field to be able to handle cases such as mine, but that at least it would be some form of counseling. I also told her that I would have to go through Hormone Replacement Therapy. She said she herself did not know anyone in our area that is qualified to give me such therapy, but that my counselor might be able to find someone I can go to for that. Then I asked her about my Medicaid and Medicare covering the surgery if feeling like I do could be proven to cause serious mental issues if no surgery was performed. She answered that feeling like I do could indeed cause mental issues, but that she doesn't know much about Gender Identity Disorder to be able to answer that with a definite answer. However, with her knowledge that she does have of Medicare and Medicaid, they most likely will cover it even without needing proof of mental issues being . I will have to call Medicaid and Medicare to find out for sure before proceeding to the point of surgery to better be prepared in case I do in fact have to pay for it myself. I have my first visit with my counselor this coming Tuesday, so keep me in your prayers that she can help point me in the right direction of someone qualified to help me begin HRT. I also forgot to mention in my previous posts two friends I have met throughout my life that I consider to be my family : Timothy Parsons, and Irvin Coonio. Until next time, take care and be safe always.

Day 04- Friends, Realtionships, and First Encounter (Introduction Part 4)

All my life, I have had many friends come and go. To this day only four remain that I can actually consider part of my family. Of course, I do have other people that i talk to in my online world of Second Life, but they are not yet as close to me as these four. Today, I want to talk about all my friends that I have and have had. I also will discuss my relationships that I have had and go into detail about the very first encounter with the girl who had left me homeless in Michigan. I will begin with my friends.
These were the friends I knew as a child: Brandon and Ryan Guidry, Josh and Chris Earl, David Braden, and Amanda Lebouef. Out of these, the only one that remains my best friend and that I can consider part of my family is David Braden. These following friends were ones I met throughout my school days: Amy Toups, Holly and Tim Orgeron, Kate Bourg, Jeremy Harris, Danion, Michael, and Nicole Theriot. All of these friends have gone on with their own lives and are no longer in contact with me so I cannot consider them friends or family anymore. Finally, these friends are whom I have met throughout the rest of my life: Pam, Anita Lopez, Scott Falls, Christina Dupre, Crystal Pitre, Tiffany Williams, Ronnie and Tammy Naquin, Katrisha Autin, Gail and Henry Thibodeaux, Joshua Blanchard, Kelly Morland, Jules, Ashley Darby, Thib, BabyAlice Tulip, and SissyJerry Lemon. The six that I still consider to be my friends out of them are: Gail and Henry Thibodeaux, Ronnie and Tammy Naquin, Scott Falls, and Katrisha Autin. The three that I consider to be family out of them are: Crystal Pitre, BabyAlice Tulip, and SissyJerry Lemon. The rest, I don't have contact with and truly do not even care about. As I said, I also have my friends on the virtual world of Second Life, but those are too many to list, so I will just acknowledge them by saying they are also my friends.
On to my relationships. I began dating when I was in the 5th grade. This was about the year 1992. My first girlfriend was Amy Toups. We did well together, or so I had thought until that same year while attending a Christmas Mass I found out from her parents that she had been cheating on me with another boy. I didn't date anyone again until 1994. This time it was Holly Orgeron. We went out for two months before she began to drift away from me and started going more to the band room with her friends there instead of waiting for me by the door like she first did. We wound up deciding together it was best to just be friends and we remained so until after high school. Once again I took another break from relationships until my graduation year of 1999. It was then I began going out with Nicole Theriot. We dated for 11 months before she broke up with me claiming I was lazy and didn't want to work when in fact I had worked at three jobs while with her. I got fired from Wal-Mart due to a night manager being a dick and not caring that the morning manager had clocked me in early so that I could leave early to get ready to go upstate to visit Nicole's family for Thanksgiving. I quit Sonic because they were not giving me enough hours, and then I was forced by my birth parents to quit McDonald's due to me coming home the three days I worked for them and having severe seizures. After having to quit McDonald's, Nicole broke up with me. I didn't date anymore until 2002 when I had my first male-on-male relationship with Joshua Blanchard. I already explained what went on with him, so there is no need to repeat. After I got out of jail, I was in a love triangle with Pam, but soon walked away quietly knowing I could not have her to myself. Then I met Christina Dupre and started going out with her after she dumped the roommate I was living with at the time. To me it seemed that all she wanted was a drinking buddy, but I was too blind (as well as too much of an alcoholic) to see that until 9 months later when she stopped calling me or coming to see me until after I got my SSI and Social Security for being bi-polar a year later. We went back out for 2 months before I started to feel she was cheating on me with her ex-boyfriend since every time he came over, she would tell me I had to leave. I then began to get into the adult baby scene very heavily, and met Tiffany Williams. It started as just ABsitter for two weeks, then progressed to Mommy/AB and then that same night to boyfriend/girlfriend. We had been having troubles with her being controlling at times outside of our roleplay (which had started to include my BDSM fetish as well), but I overlooked it all. What I refused to overlook, however, was the lack of attention she gave our real son, Austin Michael Bordelon that we had had together. To this day, she acts like she wants nothing to do with him.
Sorry to interrupt the relationship talk, but I have to write these details in before going on to the last two relationships that I have been in. It was around the time I was dating Tiffany that I had met Anita Lopez and Scott Falls online for the first time. I had been telling them about what was happening with us, and they were making plans to come down to see for themselves if what I was saying was true. They eventually did come down three months after my son was born, and saw for themselves what was going on, and to them it was a lot worse than I could have ever described it. They stayed a month before I was able to get Tiffany to sign a notarized paper granting me permission to take him to Illinois with Anita, Scott, and me. I lived in Illinois for three or four months during which I met Crystal Pitre on Myspace and began to talk about meeting back in Louisiana where we were both originally from. I wanted to leave badly because Anita had started to become verbally abusive toward me and also had gotten the doctor she was taking Austin to see to call the Child Protective Services on me. She then called once herself in an attempt to get the state to take him from me and give him to her. I got out of that state as soon as I could. I didn't see or hear from Anita again until after Crystal and I had a daughter together and were having troubles of our own. It was Anita who eventually had me homeless in Michigan.
Wow, looks like I was able to kill two birds with one stone in that paragraph. I don't need to talk about the relationship with Crystal Pitre anymore except to say that after we broke up and cooled off a bit, we remain to this day the best of friends. she is the one I said was mother to my daughter and caretaker of my son. Moving to my final relationship. While in Michigan, I began to talk to a bisexual woman named Ashley Darby. The relationship between me and her was from the get go strained. She was always going out with me for a few days or even one day before wanting to break up with me. Then she would want to go back out with me and begin the whole cycle over again. She finally asked me to give her her space so she could decide what she wanted out of life, and I gave it to her out of the love I had for her and because I did not want to push her away any further by pushing myself onto her. Just last month, she came back into my life, and cried about how she was sorry she did what she did and truly still felt love for me. I did as well and so I told her so. We started dating again, and she once again started the same routine as last time. As of today, I am still unsure of where she and I stand. I think it is over and honestly never really began to start off with, but I don't know.
Well readers, that's it. If you have been following along from day one, you now know my life inside and out. There's nothing more about me except for maybe a few minor details that I left out due to being so insignificant that I can tell. Now begins the day to day account of what I am going through or will go through as I make my journey to becoming the woman I feel I am inside in mind, spirit, AND body. I may not post every day as I have been doing, but if anything truly exciting happens, I will be sure to post about it. In farewell, I want to wish my mommy mistress, BabyAlice Tulip, a very happy 31 birthday which is this coming Saturday. May you have a truly wonderful one and many more to come. I love you mommy mistress.

Day 03- A Few Missing Details (Introduction Part 3)

Through the course of my life, I have been through so much. From being taken by the state from my birth parents for what they thought was for my own safety to going through many foster homes. From the foster homes and the one incident I described in my first post to being adopted by the Bordelons, my first feelings of being a girl in a boy's body, and the abuse I suffered at the hands of George. From there to having spent time in jail and living on the streets. Reading through my previous posts, I feel that there are a few incidents of the abuse suffered by the hands of George Vincent Bordelon, whom I have already said was the man who had adopted me with my mom Cheryl Ann Guidry Bordelon (now Cheryl Ann Guidry Cunningham) that need to be filled in.
The first incident happened when I was 11 years old. I had just come out of my room from playing my video games. George was sitting in his chair in the living room and my mom (Cheryl) was sitting on the floor beside him and they were watching TV. George heard me come out and turned around. "Hit your mom in the back of the head for me," he said to me. Of course, I at first refused. "She's going to punish me if I do that," I had replied. His response to that was, "No she won't. What are you chicken?" I figured with him saying that he was joking with her in his usual way and wanting me to participate, so I did it. I gave her a light smack in the back of her head. To my surprise, George got furious and told me to go on my knees. I was stunned and began crying as I did what he asked because I knew what would happen if I didn't. Still, while on my knees, I kept crying and screaming how unfair it was. George then got up, told me to pull down my pants as he was going for his belt, and shouted, "I'm going to give you something to cry about!" Let me fill you readers in on something before I continue. When he would whip me, I had to pull down my pants, and he would take that belt and just swing it wildly not caring where he hit. I have had to feel the wrath of his belt many times. All but one of those times I did in fact deserve it, but I was not about to let this be the second time I did not deserve getting whipped with his belt. I refused to pull my pants down no matter how much he threatened to make it worse for me when I finally would cooperate. He finally gave up threatening me and proceeded to attempt to pull my pants down himself. We struggled back and forth finally working our way from the dinning area where I was kneeling to the kitchen and next to the built in dishwasher. That was when he finally managed to get my pants down but also had pulled me down in the process. As I fell, I first hit the back of my head on the dishwasher handle and then again on the hard cement tiled floor. After that, I began to blackout, but I remember him getting two licks in with the belt, my mom holding me down as he had ordered her to do, and me saying, "You had better watch your back dad. One of these days you might find a gun to your head." Those were my last words before my complete blackout. I woke up in my room the next morning not sure if it had all been a dream until I touched the back of my head and felt pain.
After that incident, we both distanced ourselves from each other and refused to have anything to do with each other. There was only one time before this next big incident that he had ever laid hands on me again. That was while on vacation in South Carolina. My sister and I had been talking about our day and all the excitement we had had. He came into the room, and told us to be quiet. Then, because he felt I was disrespecting him for not speaking loud enough for him to hear, he hit me in my temple. That was the end of that and the end of our vacation, but it still does not compare to what happened when I was 17.
You see, he had told me never to sit in his chair. Everyone else was allowed to, and I thought it very unfair, so one day when I came home from school and he was at work, I sat in it just to spite him. Well, he came home early that day and caught me in it. He ran at me like he was going to hit me, so I got up and ran into the bathroom slamming the door behind me. I didn't have time to lock it before he kicked it open and had my back against the wall. His hands were around my throat, and my feet were just a few inches off the ground. I didn't know what else to do, so I balled up my fist and was getting ready to strike him in an attempt to get him off of me. He saw my fists and taunted, "What? Are you going to hit me? Go ahead! Give me a reason to kill you."
He then threw me in the hallway and put his foot on my chest. He was a very big man, so I feared he would crack my ribcage. Luckily my sister came out of her room and begged him to stop. When he did, my sister hugged me close to her as I began to cry. She kept saying how sorry she was as she and I cried together.
Well, soon after that George moved out. I had found out later, even though he and my mom had blamed me for it, that it was because she had caught him cheating on her with a woman he met online. they got divorced, and now my mom is re-married to an awesome guy that I am proud to call dad. His name is Eric Cunningham, and even though he only wishes to be called Eric, I call him dad because he is more of a father than George ever was.
With that all now said, I will close this entry for today. Tune in tomorrow where I will talk about my friends, relationships, and the missing details of my first encounter with the girl who had left me homeless in Michigan. I can't promise it will be my last installment of my introduction because there is so much to tell all those who read or will read this blog for them to fully know me. I also am hopeful that anyone reading all of this will grow to understand me completely, accept me for who and what I am, and possibly even be able to relate to some of the things I have been through to know that they are not alone.

Day 02- Jail and Homeless Life (Introduction Part 2)

In my last post I gave a brief introduction to my life. I only skimmed through parts of it in order to get a feel for writing blogs again. However, Now i want to talk about the several times I actually had wound homeless and what my life was like as a homeless person. I also will talk about the time I wound up in jail and what it was like in there. I will begin with my tale of how I wound up in jail. There was one time before this major event that I wound up getting arrested, but I won't go into detail about that time since the charge was dropped and I was never convicted.
It started with a relationship with a guy named Joshua Blanchard in August of 2001. From the start, things were not going right between us. He was very controlling to the point where he would take the money I made from the work I was doing at the time and spend it the way he wanted to and never letting me see a single dime. I told him from the beginning that I wanted to be the woman in our relationship, but he forced me to be the man while he acted the woman. He would always start fights with me until I got enough and would attack back, and then he would run to his father and get him to jump me. I guess the reason I let it go on for so long was because I felt that I needed him and that no one else would ever love me or want to be with me. It went on until May 25, 2002. I had told him a few days before that if he ever yelled at me again, I would leave him. On that day, he did start yelling at me for some reason, and I was making good on my promise. He continued to belittle me, but when he went as far as calling me a bum, I dropped what I was carrying and chased after him. Along the way, I managed to grab a hold of this ornamental sword that he had in his house. His dad stepped in front of me, and I told him to back off and that my fight was not with him. When he stepped out of the way, I continued after my ex boyfriend swearing that if I caught him I would kill him. He wound up running into the nearby bridge tender's shack, and I ran up the stairs to the porch and began to break the windows with the sword after screaming at him to come outside and his refusing to do that. The cops showed up and begged me to drop the sword. I at first refused and screamed for the cops to just shoot me dead. One of them approached me slowly, and as I was about to put the sword down, he shot me in my left knee. I stood for a little while before dropping to my knees. Then, I was arrested and brought to the hospital for them to remove the bullet after which I was brought to the parish jail.
I spent 3 months in jail before going to court and being convicted of four counts aggravated assault. I was given 6 months with 3 months credit for time served on each count, so was only supposed to spend a year. Thanks to a very cruel Lt., I wound up serving almost two years instead because he decided to not give me the credit for time served on each count like was supposed to. I confronted him once about it, and after showing him my court minutes proving that i was supposed to have only one year, he stated plainly that he was not about to let someone who attacked a cop (which I never did to begin with, but it was said that I did to give the cop who shot me a reason as to why he did shoot me) out that soon. Jail time was very hard for me. I got into a lot of fights with people who felt I had to prove myself to them by fighting or get raped for being a weakling. I spent most of my time in the law library searching for things to write complaints about and for anything that could help me build a case against the unlawful Lt. that kept my in jail longer than I was supposed to be due to his grudge against me that was based on false information. Before I started going to the law library, however, I had begun to act out yet again with attempting suicide several times and being placed on suicide watch for doing such things. I finally was released on January 29, 2004. I thought my troubles were over, and felt like I could get on with my life. I moved back in with my birth parents (whom I forgot to mention in my last post I had found again at age 19), and for a while, things were good.
I was working at La Casa Del Sol with two friends of the family as a dishwasher and was very happy. I had even moved in with a co-worker who had became my friend for a while until troubles between us started over a woman he was dating that dumped him for me. I started drinking heavily with her, and soon it was impacting my work, so I had to quit soon after. I then moved back in with my birth family once more before being evicted from my friend's house. Some trouble then started between my birth mother and I, and the cops had to get me out of the house. Having no where to go, I wound up at a boarding house that had one room that was a shelter for the homeless. This was the first time I went homeless. I only stayed homeless for four months before my birth mother made amends with me and took me back in. This was in 2004.
The second time I wound up homeless was after my daughter's mother broke up with me, and I took off to Massachusetts trusting a friend who is now my ex friend. I had been working at Rouse's Supermarket and had just lost my job because I refused to continue being the fall boy for everyone else who refused to finish their work before clocking out at their scheduled time. I had been having some trouble with her and was talking to this girl I once knew telling her all about the troubles. We found out a few weeks before that the state was buying the trailer we were staying at with two friends from my work and so I was once again forced to begin looking for another place to live. It was going to be her, my two children, and me, until one day she was reading over my shoulder while I was talking to this girl. The girl had started joking about a funeral for my daughter's mother, and I was trying to get her to behave. Finally, the girl said we would just throw her in the tar pit, and I laughed it off knowing full well my daughter's mother would throw both of us in the tar pit before we could even get her up high enough to throw her. Of course, my daughter's mother did not think it so funny, and we began to argue after which she left and took our daughter with her. There I was, no job, no home, no girlfriend. The girl I was talking to offered to take me in with promises that I would never have to worry about not having a roof over my head. I should have known from the last time (which I will talk about in a future post) that she could not be trusted, but I fell for it. I asked my son's mother to take our son before I went to Massachusetts, but she refused, so I did the next best thing in asking my daughter's mother to take him in. She did, and I left the state to go to this girl. One month after being in Massachusetts, the girl wanted to move to Michigan because her ex boyfriend had bought a house and was going to rent it to us, so I used all the money I had to get us there. A week later, the girl kicked me out with all kinds of false accusations as to why she had to do so. I was once again homeless. I spent another five months in a homeless shelter called Lansing City Rescue Mission. I joined a group called Michigan People's Action and began to fight against homelessness and unfair doings to people. I even had gone to Chicago, Illinois to participate in a rally against big banks that used bail out money to give themselves raises and vacations instead of using it to help people. Before that though, I had gotten in a fight with a boy who was talking bad about me and my family behind my back. I sent him to the hospital and once again had to spend 3 days in jail. I wound up pleading guilty to simple assault and battery, had to pay restitution of 1,005, and was allowed to come back to Louisiana in December. This was in 2009.
After returning home, I spent two and a half months in the boarding house, but this time I had my own room and did not have to stay in the shelter room. I then came to live with my uncle, his son, and my birth father where I now live. That's it for today. Tune in tomorrow for the third installment of my introductory posts where I will be filling readers in on a few missing details about my life with George.

Day 01- Introduction Part 1

What better way to start things off than with an introduction. Please be kind and considerate in dealing with the names I will mention in this post as they are the true name I was born with, and the true name that I was given when I was adopted. Do not use these names in an attempt to attack me or my character. With that said, let's begin.
I was born on July 17th, 1980. My parents were John Wayne Lindsay and Norma Marie Gisclair Lindsay. At birth, I was given the name John Wayne Lindsay, Jr. With these parents, I have five sisters, two brothers (one of them drowned when I was 1 and a half years old, but I still consider him a brother as though he were alive), one half sister, and one half brother.
I was taken from my birth parents after the drowning of my older brother. It was then I was placed into an orphanage first, and then began my life going from foster home to foster home. In one foster home (at the age of 3), I was molested by the mother in such a way that many would not even view at as molestation.
I was a bed wetter at that age, and the mother could not stand always having to change my sheets every morning. One such morning, she had come in only to find that I had once again wet my bed overnight. she walked out without saying a word and came back a short while later with a diaper, powder, wipes, and baby lotion. As the two boys that were also there watched on, she wiped me clean and began to rub me down with the lotion. When she got to my private area, she began to massage and rub it up and down continuously. She then began to tease me with, "Do you like this? Does it feel good? This is how we treat BIG babies that wet their bed instead of going to the potty." She then powdered me and diapered me up real tight. She dressed me in a t-shirt and a short-all and took me to the grocery store. Down one isle, she reached into my short-all and inside my diaper to my private area and began to again rub it up and down and massage it. "I'm just checking to see that my BIG baby hasn't wet his diaper," she said when a customer happened to pass by. Then to me she said, "Do you like this? Keep wetting the bed, and I will make you my BIG baby forever."
I was soon taken out of that home and given back to my birth parents for a trial period that failed. I was once again taken and put through foster homes until I was adopted at the age of 6 and a half by Cheryl Ann Guidry Bordelon and George Vincent Bordelon. My name was then changed to John Wesley Bordelon. Everything was going great even after my sister (who had her name changed to Christine Elizabeth Bordelon) was also adopted. It was when our parents had their own son, Ian Christopher Bordelon, that things began to become a nightmare for me. George started getting very physically and emotionally abusive to me. Things even got worse when, at age 12, I began to feel like I was not the boy I was born and raised as. Instead, I began to feel more like a little girl. I began to dress in my sister's clothes that fit me as well as her panties. When I got caught, George really began to physically and emotionally abuse me even more. There was even once when he came very close to killing me. To this day, I am afraid of belts and having anything around my neck due to his choking me and whipping me with his belt even when I truly didn't deserve it.
Years came and went, and as I got older, my feelings of being a woman grew. To hide my feelings, I began to put on what I call veils. Every time someone did not like something about me, I put on another veil in order to please that person. I did it so easily and so much that I soon forgot who I really was and what I truly felt. Severe depression kicked in, and I acted out first by pretending to have a second personality and then by threatening and attempting to kill myself several times. I was hospitalized, but I could never bring myself to tell the real reason as to why I was acting in such a way.
It was not until recently that I was introduced to the fact that I was a transwoman. I came to this fact find when I met a very good friend online (who is also my online mommy mistress, but that goes with my fetishes which I will not discuss in this post). She mentioned to me that there was a possibility she was inter-sexed (and recently it was confirmed she is), so I got curious as to what that meant and did some research. It was through my research, that I came across what I truly was. It took some more questions, and a few more days before I came to accept what I am. Now I am beginning my journey towards realigning my inner soul with my outer self. I only hope that my medicaid and medicare will cover my surgery when it comes to that.
On a final note, I am bisexual and am attracted to both men and women. I have had several relationships through the years. All of them ended badly due to either them wanting me for sex or money, incompatibility, them playing games with my heart, or them being complete jerks. Only one woman that I broke up with remains my friend to this day. That woman is the mother of my daughter and also the caretaker of my son since his mother wants nothing to do with him judging from her actions even though she would say different. I also have two children from two different women. Austin Michael Bordelon was born on October 10th, 2007 and will be turning 3 this year. Justice Faith Bordelon was born April 21, 2009 and is now 1.