January 11- All About Intimacy

Hello once again to all my readers,

I was watching the news yesterday and Jerry Springer this morning, and these two TV programs brought up something good to talk about today. That good thing was intimacy. What is intimacy? How do you define intimacy? Who has rights to tell someone who they can or cannot be intimate with? How is one defined by who they are intimate with? Questions like these are excellent questions to ask, I believe. The reason I say they are because not too many really know the answers. I, myself, am no expert and only go based on my own thoughts and feelings on how I respond to the questions.

First, the news program had a preacher that is preaching the importance of sex in a relationship. From what I gathered from his speech, he feels having more sex in a marriage creates more intimacy. I ask, how can sex and having more of it in any relationship define how much intimate a person is with the other? To me, sex is not at all important in order for there to be intimacy, and having more sex does not mean more intimacy. Don't get me wrong, sex is good, but not to the point where it overshadows the entire relationship. Sex does not define intimacy in my eyes, and having more sex does not create more intimacy between two people. If that were the case, why are there people who have sex for money or people who cheat on there partners but only to have one night stands with another person with no intimacy with this other person involved. Based on my own views, I would say this preacher is a false profit preaching the devil's work and not that of the higher power I believe in.

This brings me to what I consider intimacy to be. Intimacy to me is a strong bond between two people who have mutual strong feelings toward each other. These feelings do not necessarily have to be developed through sex. It can be developed by just having hung out with each other, gotten to know each other, have the same interests shared with each other, or just the pleasure of each other's company. Once this intimacy is formed, sex then may be added, but it is not sex that creates more intimacy. There are still people out there that have sex without having intimacy with anyone they have sex with as escorts and prostitutes do as well as those who have one night stands and don't care to have lasting relationships. Are these sexual encounters an example of intimacy? I think not. Having sex does not mean the two are intimate with each other, so having more does not mean becoming more intimate.

Now, on Jerry Springer, they had a woman who had been dating men almost all her life, and she experimented one time with a woman. After deciding she did not enjoy being with a woman, the woman she had experimented with continued calling her a lesbian just because she had sex with a woman. Question, who has the right to label anyone's sexuality in the first place? No one except ourselves. Second question, how does an experiment with the same sex "make" someone gay or lesbian? It doesn't. No one can be "made" gay or bi or lesbian. This is a common misconception from those not in the LGBT community. One is BORN gay, bi, lesbian, or transgender. No one can just "turn" or be "made" that way. During birthing process, things happen to have a baby born already wired with attractions toward either members of the same sex, members of opposite sex, or members of either sex. There are some even born with NO attractions to either sex. Transgender happens when the baby is born with feelings of being a gender not defined by labels already set by society as a whole. Male or Female were the only two labels set in the past until all the labels now under the transgender umbrella were discovered. Still, all those labels are not one that a person "just becomes". They all are born this way. The way a person is born is one of the determining factors, along with those already mentioned, of whom they form an intimate relationship with. Just because they experiment outside of how they were born does not mean they have become gay or lesbian or even bi. However, it is possible a person born with gay tendencies to go against their genetic makeup until they experiment and find that it is what they were really born like. In other words, a person can be born bisexual and go against this by only having straight or gay relationships, but sooner or later they will have to give in to the original birth makeup as they struggle being attracted to both and not just one or the other. After giving in, it may appear this person has "gone" bi, but truth is they were born that way. The same is for a person born gay or lesbian and trying to go against this by dating only opposite sex. With a transgender, they are born either male or female, but somehow the birthing process screwed up somewhere and produced a baby that looked male or female, but inside has traits of the exact opposite. With either testosterone or estrogen levels never fully developing correctly or whatever the case may be, you end up with a baby such as this. The transgender label further divides into several different categories. Transsexual, transvestite, and cross-dresser are just a few of them. With a transsexual, a boy or girl feels like a girl or boy inside and may or may not seek reassignment surgery in order to live their life as what they feel they really are. A transvestite is a male or female that wears the opposite genders clothing only for the sexual attractions of such way of dressing but yet stay true to the gender they were born. A cross-dresser is a male or female that wears opposite gender clothing either because they feel they are the opposite gender but only wish to be this gender once in a while for whatever period of time they wish to be so or to put on shows for money or fun. A cross-dresser can also be placed under either the transsexual or transvestite depending on their true reasons behind cross-dressing. To me, cross-dressers who do it for sexual reasons can be labeled transvestites, and those doing it because they feel they are the gender of the clothing they wear can be thrown in with transsexuals. Those who do it for a show are just plain cross-dressers. If one were to really get technical, the labels cross-dressing transsexual and cross-dressing transvestite can be rightly added in order to sort out all those listed under the cross-dresser category. However, I am now back to my original question of who has the right to label anyone under anything? It does not matter what society labels you as, but rather it is what you label yourself as that truly defines what you are.

In closing, sex is not intimacy, intimacy is not created by sex but rather by the attractions guided from birth, shared interests, or how well the time is that is spent together, no one can just "turn" or "be made" to have attractions that create intimacy toward one gender or the other because it is only how we are born that mainly guides us in such a way, and no one but you has the right to label who and what you are. Take care and be safe always everyone.

January 09- What's The Deal?

Hello again to all my readers,

I was watching Maury today as I do everyday with Tim, and I noticed a slight difference than what I normally see. Normally I see guys getting accused of cheating and the crowd booing at first until the guy is proven innocent, but this time there was a woman who was being accused and the crowd was actually clapping and awing for her until it was proven she was cheating. What's going on here? Why do people cheer for the women being accused and boo for guys before even finding out if they are guilty of what they are being accused of?

I asked Tim this very question, and he responded that because most the men shown on the show are guilty and not the women. I don't beg to differ, but I will argue that it is wrong to boo or look down on someone accused without first knowing for sure they did what they were accused of just because the majority of them are found guilty. That's called generalizing. This means that just because one or more men or women are a certain way along with doing certain things, talking a certain way, dressing a certain way, etc., then every single man or woman is generally the same even if they are not. 98% should not be the judging factor of the other 2% period.

This brings me to the topic of letting lie detector tests prove our guilt or innocence. I can't trust a lie detector test for the simple reason that it can either be fooled or it can fool you. It can be fooled because all it tests is the heart rate, nerves, and brain stimulation when asked a question. In order to actually pass even when lying, all one has to do is get the brain focused on something else such as pain. Once the brain is more focused on that, then when asked a question it will not be able to send the normal messages to the rest of the nervous system including the heart it would when lying or being honest and your body would remain calm enough to fool the test into showing truthful answers the whole time. The test could also fool you in that for someone like me who has anxiety issues, the responses that a lie detector would register as false would always be so even when you are telling the truth. The reason for this is because someone with anxiety issues is naturally a very nervous person and is subject to their heart racing when in times of anxiety. Just having to take the test to prove one's innocence is enough to make a naturally nervous person nervous enough to fail a lie detector test even if they are telling the truth. Also, take into effect yes or no questions that maybe the person taking the test does not know the definite yes or no to. They would of course, knowing they have to give one or the other, go based on what they do know, but either way it could turn out as lying because their brain cannot register a yes or a no making either answer a lie. Even experts that run the tests say that it is only 95-97% accurate. That still leaves 5-3% chance it can be wrong, but no one focuses on that fact. However, there are many states that no longer allow a lie detector test to be admissible in court as evidence because of the facts that have been proven showing how a lie detector test can actually be imperfect enough to send an innocent person to jail and a guilty one to be set free. There has been reports that even the experts can be off on the percentage of accuracy of the test, and that the percentage of the test's failures is a little higher than they want to admit to. Simple fact is, even with a lie detector test, don't just assume because the person failed they are guilty. Wait until actual physical evidence is given that cannot be denied as written in stone to judge. Take care and be safe always everyone.

January 08- Choice, Self-worth, and Fear

Hello again to all my readers,

I've been doing a lot of thinking since my last post. Things I've watched and having chats with people I know has sparked a lot of wonder and new ideas to think about. Today, I will cover choice and what leads us to choosing what we choose, my own insecurities about self-worth, and the fears I have when it comes to seeking new relationships.

First, let me begin with choice. Many people say that we all should just accept responsibility for the choices we make in life without making excuses, but what really bugs me is that to me, no one just chooses something "just because". I feel there is always a reason behind which choice we make in life when choosing between one choice or the other. Is the reason behind the choice an excuse, though? To me, an excuse is more like not doing being able to do one thing because of something else that came along making it impossible to be able to do it. I don't see finding a reason behind what we choose as an excuse. Yes, we all have to make choices in life, and we have to accept the consequences of our choice we make, but why shouldn't we find a reason behind why we make those choices in order to deal with that reason and try our best not to make bad choices again? If we just sit back and accept our choice as a "just because" choice without getting down to the root of why that choice was made in the first place, we end up making the same bad choice over and over again. The whole definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That also includes making the same choices over and over again, but without finding a reason for the choice we made as well as examining the points of how we made a mistake in the first place, we are all doomed to repeating the same chain each time we come to a choice that is similar to the one before while in our own minds thinking it will be different than before. We make mistakes, and then we have to look at these points: 1. What choice did we make? 2. What was the outcome of our choice? 3. Why did we choose what we did? 4. How can we avoid making the same choice again in order to not make the same bad outcome come about?

Now, I want to talk about my insecurities and how I view my own self-worth. I was talking with Joy, one-half of the husband and wife roommates I live with, and she brought up a good point about how the importance of loving myself effects the way people end up loving me. "If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you?" she had asked. I had to stop and ponder this, but deep down I know she is right. I don't love myself. I look in the mirror and cut myself down. I feel I look ugly, fat, too meek, pathetic, immature and nerdy. This is not including how much I wish to look in the mirror and see a not too thin and not too fat beautiful woman staring back at me instead of this ugly repulsive thing I see before me every time. Still, I can fix the weight, but the rest I absolutely hate because even if I did lose weight, I don't think I could ever be appealing. I also can't change the fact I was born in a male body, and changing that has its own pros and cons. Thing is, I can change the body, change the sex on just about everything, and even change my name to that of a female, but those who know me as a man already will always see me as just a man along with the government system. There will always be a trail leading back to the fact I was born a male. It doesn't clear my social security number nor the police record I have because of the mistakes I made as a man. Also, it does not mean I will be able to do everything a true woman can unless they figure someway to allow transgenders to be able to reproduce like real women or even have time of the months like a real woman (even though that would be one thing that would be wonderful not to experience). Still, I hate myself because I know that as much as I feel like a female, I'm not and can never become one fully no matter how many surgeries I undergo. I hate myself because I feel unattractive and like someone no one would ever want to be with except as a friend. I know I have a parent/adult baby relationship with a "mommy" in Oklahoma, but it's not like a boyfriend or girlfriend/boyfriend or girlfriend relationship. Even if it was, would either of us feel the same about each other or look at each other the same if we decided to make it that way? This leads in to fears.

On a TV show called The Big Bang Theory, the character, Sheldon, was talking about an experiment with a cat and how different gases affected the cat. The cat was placed in a box and the gases were released. The only way to see if the cat was still alive or dead was to have the scientist open the box. This has a lot to do with setting out to form a relationship with someone because one cannot avoid a relationship due to fear of whether it will work or not until they actually "open the box" (try) and see if the "cat" (relationship) is "alive or dead" (going to work out or not). However, due to how I view myself as mentioned above, this is more harder than it sounds. I always fear that when I go out, people see me as I see myself or worse and would never want a person like me except for some underlying reason such as for money, sex, or just a drug or drinking buddy, so I have issues with even trying. I can go out among people and be in small crowds, but I just stick to myself and hide in the shadows so to speak. I can't bring myself to actually make the first move except to say hello and nod my head or wave to acknowledge those I pass by. After that, I usually leave the other person to strike up something to talk about. I hardly ever get into someone else's conversation unless they talk about something I can relate to so that I don't sound stupid trying to talk about a subject I know nothing about, but yet begin to talk too much when the subject is finally one of my level. I go from one extreme to another too quickly and fear that no one would care for anyone like that. How can I ever bring myself to get over these fears? How can I ever get anyone to accept me and understand me? How can I ever get someone who is not just a spam bot to ever take notice of me in the way I want to be noticed? I guess it may just be the truth that I will go to my grave without ever finding that one true love due to my own faults, fears, and hatred of my own self. Take care and be safe always everyone.

January 03- Bonus Post

Here's a treat for all my readers,

Every now and then I have a day where something new I have to talk about comes up after posting for the day. Today is one of those days. Something happened to me after posting what I already posted. I went to Wal-Mart to purchase some much needed items and following is exactly what occurred.

Being a low-price shopper, I always try to buy the cheapest of the item I am out to get. I had to get jeans, so I searched for the cheapest price advertised. However, after checking out, I check my receipt to find I was charged two dollars more on each pair that I had bought. I went to customer service to point this out and was told that because I bought the extended sizes, they charge 2 dollars more for each. I then argued that it was not made known on the shelf that this would be the case, but the lady swore it was. I decided to go check again, and saw the notice on only one brand type and not all of them. I went back and pointed this out as well only to be told that all of them adhere to that even if it is not made known on all of them. Needless to say, I did not get the money returned to me.

There are two things about this whole incident that really sets me off. The first thing is that if it is not made know clearly that ALL jeans are 2 dollars extra for each extended size, then one should NOT be charged more than the advertised price. The second thing is the simple fact of even charging more for extended sizes. Why should a big and tall person have to pay more for the same type jeans that a regular person buys just because they are big and tall? To me, this is outright discrimination against those who are taller and bigger than others. Jeans and shirts should always be one price for ALL people no matter the size or shape. This just appears to be a slap in the face of the big and tall by the society of slim and trim people.

Anyway, that is my extra rant for the day. Once again take care and be safe always everyone.

January 03- What The Hell Am I talking About?

Hello once again to all my readers,

As you look through all my posts, you notice how I keep mentioning society as a whole. Of course there may be confusion as to what I actually mean by that phrase. I intend today to go into depth of what I am actually talking about when I say that. First, I have one more thing to mention about how society as a whole is stuck on stupid.

Today I was watching a new news broadcast called Eye Opener. I was so disgusted by how they have now even made the news stupid just to attract viewers. Why? Because society as a whole is so stuck on stupid that the people who made the news program decided that the only way to get enough ratings was to throw in a bunch of stupidity in the midst of telling the news because society as a whole seems to be drawn more to stupidity.

In order to accurately define society as a whole, I need to break it down to what society is. A society is a group of people who act the same, dress the same, think the same, and do everything just alike. We live in a world where we not only have just one society, but millions of them. Each society has their own views of what is right, wrong, normal, and real. Sometimes those societies clash with one another and fight over the right to say that it is their views that are the most correct and logical. Sometimes, however, they come together in agreement with certain things. It is these things that bring them together to create society as a whole.

When this happens, others who still disagree are cast out of the society as a whole and are forced to search for a new society to join that is more open to their beliefs and actions. The degree of ease in doing this depends on how many more there out there that do agree. Sometimes it is next to impossible, and others it can be found with the greatest of ease.

Gender societies, fetish societies, lifestyle societies, religious societies, and political societies are just a few of the different branches of society as a whole that are out there, and I feel the one that is most difficult to belong to is a fetish society since each individual has their own view on what fetish is natural or normal. Having many fetishes to choose from makes it even harder as the fetish society is further divided when one type may see any other to be disgusting and just plain sick. This leaves very few left who all believe in the same exact things. Dividing it even further is when one is actually into two different fetishes that may or may not combine with the other main one that they enjoy. Going even further is when one person who does the things that would be considered a fetish but is actually an uncontrollable action they partake of due to something mentally programmed in their mind since childhood or having other reasons other than intimate ones. The second next hardest is the gender societies even though most of them are open to any of the many gender types there are out there due to the reason of there being many branches of gender in this world. With so many gender labels, it is hard to find just the right one.

Take me, for instances, I am in a male body, but, as I have mentioned many times in previous posts, since the age of 12 have felt more like a female. However, I feel that should I go through with a surgery to realign my body with the way I feel, I may find that it was just a feeling and not the actual truth. Then, I would regret having a surgery that cannot be reversed, so I just dress like a female when I feel like it. Now, this can place me in just the cross-dresser gender category or still the transsexual category. The one that I get labeled with would vary depending on which society is doing the labeling. Still, I feel the label should be on myself to place upon me even though I am confused myself as to what to say I am. The way I see it, I'm a cross-dressing transsexual. Yet, though some may actually be okay with it, most of society as a whole would say you can't be both. You can only be one or the other. Why? Because society as whole is only comfortable when they can place someone in only one category. Anything contrary to that destroys their comfort zone because it would be too confusing for them. Society as a whole hates confusion because they fear confusion and hate what they fear. Fear is only caused by the unknown that they choose to fight against instead of trying to make known.

Another shining example of me being considered an outcast is the things I not just enjoy, but feel right doing. I'm talking about the adult baby and diaper lover thing. Society as a whole already finds these two concepts as unnatural and sick, but what they fail to see in me is that the adult baby part is not a fetish but rather either a mental programming or a way my subconscious self handled the way I grew up. Now I realize that many people have had childhoods maybe even worse than mine, but each individual handles hardships differently than the next. For me, it just seems that my child self got mentally stuck while my outer body grew. This split me mentally to having to act adult in public while mentally there's a part of me that is still 1 to 3 years old. This mental part sometimes takes control with or without my knowledge. I just decided to become an adult baby in an effort to balance the two halves of my inner psyche and decrease the times of not knowing I have regressed and knowing I willfully have allowed myself to regress. The diaper lover part of me is a minor part that came about just because for one reason or another diapers turn me on. I don't know why, and to try and figure out why would be exhausting. Either way, society as a whole once again does not understand or know much about adult babies or diaper lovers much less one who is both. They don't understand, so they hate and fight against it because it destroys their comfort zone of what they already are knowledgeable about. As they gain more knowledge about things, they become more comfortable with it until something new and unknown comes along. Because of these actions, society as a whole will always be fighting against one thing or another.

One day, I hope that this fighting will stop, but it would be a miracle if it did. My final thought on this is that no matter what you do, no matter how you dress, no matter what you feel or think, and no matter what society as a whole does or does not approve of, live for yourself and not for someone else because living for someone else means you are living their life and not your own. Take care and be safe always everyone.

January 2, 2012- The World And All Its Idiocies Revealed

Hello again to all my readers,

It's the new year once again and yet we wonder why has not much changed over the years. Surprisingly much has changed, but not for the better. Instead of thoughts, ideas, and actions moving forward with the change of time, much has actually gone backwards. Sure we have had many new technological breakthroughs, but when you look at society as a whole, one begins to see how much regression has taken place in the views, opinions, and disarray in the thought processes of society as a whole.

Take our commercials for instance, if you were to see one commercial that was straight and to the point without any eye-catching gimmicks and then one with something stupid like hamsters that can drive a car and dance, which one would most likely make you want to go buy the product advertised? You can lie and say the straight forward one, but honestly the more stupid a commercial is the more people are drawn to go get it. Society is stuck on stupid.

Take gambling now. In a bingo hall, children under 21 are allowed to play, but are they allowed in a casino? No. Isn't gambling still gambling by any other name? You pay money to win money at bingo just like at the casino, so what is the difference? The difference in most halls is no alcohol is sold, but there are still some that do sell it. Society is stuck on stupid.

Now let's look at laws of our great nation. Some laws are made by each state while some are made for the entire country. However they have some states with stupid laws that make absolutely no sense. In one state, you can get a ticket for pumping your own gas. Another, you get a ticket for smoking outside whereas smoking inside is okay. Society is stuck on stupid.

Getting into society's views on people you find that there is stupidity. Views on a person's character has changed dramatically. Back in the day the good ol' boy or girl was the first choice of women or men. The less tarnished you were, the more likely you were to get the girl or boy. This where many of the old movies got the idea of the hero always gets the girl. Today it's the villain to always get the girl or boy. The more times a man's been in jail, the seriousness of their crime, and the more powerful of the person they committed it against the more likely a man will get the girl since women these days all want someone whom they know to be a bad ass just to have something to brag about to other women. This is not to mention tattoos. Guys and girls dig girls and guys with tattoos. The more tattoos, the better a guy or girls chances. Not all are like that, but most of them are. Society is stuck on stupid.

Looking at the paragraph above showing the good points of being a bad ass, let's now focus on the bad. The more of a bad ass you are, the less likely you are to get a job. Also, if you were a bad ass in the past, you will always be seen as a bad ass even though it may have been 20 years ago and you had truly changed since then. Once a bad ass, always a bad ass in the eyes of society.

Society as a whole has their comfort zone encased by what they feel is normal based on their idea of what should be or shouldn't be. When you go outside their box and create your own shield of reality that is different than theirs, you crash their encasing and encroach upon their comfort zone. Not having knowledge of the way you see reality, they shun or attack it before at least trying to understand it. They're quick to tell you that what you are doing is not right or is sinful or even insane and unrealistic. To you it is, but they don't even care to truly get to the root of what makes someone the way they are. They just want you to give up your reality and follow theirs like mindless zombies. Society thinks we live in one world, but in reality we live in as many worlds as we have people living under this one sky. I say that because each individual has their own ideas of what is normal. This idea of what is normal allows them to form their own sense of what is real creating a different reality for that person. Then that reality the individual created, allows that person to see a whole different world than the one we see before us. Now you have each person living on Earth honestly living in a whole different world from each other.

I have a question for you, everyone seems to be scared of making a choice they would feel more comfortable with because society may not think it normal, but if society choose one day to say jumping off the Empire State Building and committing suicide was normal and those who didn't do it were freaks, nerds, weird, and to be shunned, would you choose to follow society and lose your life, or choose to go by your own idea of normal that created your own world with a world and still be alive? Next time you are faced with guilt of what society would think, think of that question and then do your thing. Don't live in society's world, but live every day in your own world. Take care and be safe always everyone.

December 31- The End Of One Year; Beginning Of Another

Hello again to all my readers,

So tomorrow begins a whole new year for us, and today everyone is preparing to celebrate the death of the year we all survived through. Some believe that 2012 is the year the world will end, and many people are concerned of whether or not this will be the case. I say instead of focusing all our attention on watching to see if this is true or not, we should all look at this coming year as another year to try and better ourselves and carry on with our day to day lives living as though each day will be our last. Love one another more, care for one another more, show our loved ones how much mean to us each and every day as though we may one day wake up and not have them in our lives. This includes the friends we have that we hold close to our hearts as though they were family as well.

Do not let the fear or worry that the world may or may not end this year stop you from doing what everyone should have been doing each day of their adult lives. I say adult lives because children know not what they do except for what they were taught by the parents and adult society. If they were taught to love and care for everyone no matter what, then they would grow to know only that. Teach a child to hate and discriminate, and they will know only hate. The reason society is the way it is this day and age is because they were not taught different. I do not hold parents only responsible because society also teaches children by way of what the children see growing up. Parents can only do so much to teach them their ways and protect them from what society teaches.

This coming year, I hope to see more tolerance toward differences in race, sexual orientation, religion, gender (this includes those that are of the transgender categories), and what a person chooses as their fetish lifestyle. I also hope to see society become more tolerant to the unknown and things outside of the comfort zone of their own sense of normalcy. I know that this is a long shot to have this actually happen, but at least one can dream of a day like this.

I, myself, have my own New Year's resolutions. For one, I will budget my money better and not spend more than I have. Two, I will begin to pay back everyone I owe money to. Three, I will be a better father to my children despite living in a different state than them. Four, I will rebuild my credit. Five, I will work on my different flaws one at a time and finally correct those flaws to become a much better person. Finally, I will learn to balance my impulsion to give with the absolute need to take.

With all that off my chest and out there for everyone to have something to chew on, I hope all of you have a wonderful New Year's, and may it bring new hopes, dreams, and successes in everyone's lives. Take care and be safe always, and if you drink tonight, don't drive!

December 24th- What Exactly Is An Adult Baby?

Hello again to all my readers,

Today is Christmas Eve, and depression is hitting me hard. The reason was explained in yesterday's blog post, but now I want to go deeper into why I feel the way I feel. I will also explain the way my thought process leads to many bad decisions in my life.

I don't know how many of you have heard the terms "adult baby" and "diaper lover" before, but there is always a big dispute as to what being either of those really is. Some say it is a fetish, and others say it is a lifestyle, but they still come together to say it is a choice and not something they can't avoid. Very few mention how it could possibly be something mental. I am one who at first thought it to be a lifestyle choice, but throughout my life, I have started to believe it goes much deeper than just choosing to do what I do.

The reason I say this is because as I look back at my whole life and the decisions I made, I see a pattern begin to evolve. Many people have tried telling me the same thing I begin to realize today, but I always ignored them not wanting to hear the truth. I began my soul searching a year ago, and one thing that always came to mind was how my decisions always lead me into trouble. It was then I tried to figure out why. I know many people say not to use excuses and just except that you did wrong, but to every action there is a reason why that action takes place. Nothing happens just because. We don't make mistakes just because. Say you're in a cement factory, and the cement comes out being too watery. First you want to figure out why did it come out that way. If it was a machine that didn't work right, you have to figure out why the machine didn't work right. Then if a person didn't fix the machine like they were supposed to, you have to figure out why the person didn't fix it right. The list goes on and on, but the question why is always brought up. That "why?" is the reason that most people want to overlook and tend to call an excuse. Taking out the "why" allows them to be lazy and just point blame to someone rather than an event that could have started the whole chain off leading up to the mistake made.

One such event could be the way a person grew up, and it sets up the complete chain of events throughout a person's entire life. An abused child most of the time grows up to be an abuser, and so on and so on. There are still a rare few that are able to break the cycle and learn not to be an abuser knowing how it feels to be abused.

This now brings me to my own life. I was taken from my real parents, put into foster homes where I never got enough parental love and was once abused sexually, and then adopted into a family where the supposed to be father figure abused me physically. Now in my adult life, I find myself most often thinking like a child and being comfortable wear diapers and doing other baby things as though that is what I am. Back to my decisions. When I have had a decision to make, I know I always made the wrong one. So why? Why do I make the wrong ones? The answer could be as simple as my thinking process is still time frozen as a child and never had time to grow because of my childhood misfortunes. The thinking process may be a child's thinking process, but my reasoning process has grown and is in its adulthood. When I have to make a decision, my child thinking process thinks of the most fun and immediately gratifying choice, and my adult reasoning process just comes up with good reasoning as to why that choice is the right choice. In other words, all my reasoning process does is figure out what to reason to other people to make what my thinking process has decided right. Of course, it is the wrong choice because it is a choice a child would make and not an adult. Now, can this be helped? Many may say it can, and very few will say no. Still, I think it can be helped in a way many adults except those who understand the adult baby and diaper lover would disapprove of. They fail to see that an adult baby is an adult, but also a baby.

Why do I say that? I say that because an adult baby is indeed an adult in that they can socialize, work, and do many things an adult does, but they are a baby in the way they think some or most of the time, act some or most of the time, and dress whether by choice or by what feels right to them. It's the baby part that society fails to acknowledge in an adult baby. That's why they cannot bring themselves to treat an adult baby as a baby and not a full adult. I can't speak for all adult babies, but I do know that's what depresses me around the holidays. I would just love for once to be treated as a baby would be treated around Christmas. The parental love, coddling, ohs and ahs as I open my gifts, being filled with holiday spirit from a parental figure, staying up late Christmas Eve waiting for Santa with my Mommy and/or Daddy, putting cookies and milk for the big man, and a parent's watchful eyes as I play with all my new bought toys. All that is gone now, so Christmas has become just another day.

That's the deeper insight into what I posted yesterday. It could probably go even deeper, but I think I have gone far enough. If I go any further, you may get trapped in my mind. Until next time, see you.

December 23rd- Holiday Blues

Hello again to all my readers,

I know it has been a very long time since I last posted a blog report here. I have been through hell and back since I decided to once again turn my wheels and continue my wandering ways. This time, it lead my to the great state of Texas in a town called Forney. From there, I would up in Downtown Dallas at a place called Dallas Life Foundation. I stayed for a week before I got conned into getting out of there and staying a weekend in Buckner with someone who pretended to be my friend only to leave me stranded at the Wal-Mart near his motel and take all my belongings except for the clothes I had on.

You think that I would learn from that experience, but I foolishly ran to some supposed to be Christians for help. They did take me in and give me food and clothing, but the price for that was to be accused of not being saved when I knew in my heart I was all because I didn't believe what they were trying to spread about their beliefs. They tried to tell me that I didn't know the "true" God nor the "true" Jesus because I don't feel that fear is the ONLY path to get to know them. I don't believe that once you are saved you have to literally walk on egg shells and give up all means of fun like going dancing, going see a movie or bowling with friends, or anything like that. Then, they told me I either had to believe like them or leave. Of course, after giving them one thought that God put in my heart to give them, I left. The thought I gave them was that no path to righteousness should ever be forced on anyone. They argued that Jesus and God did force people to believe in them, but I wonder what bible they got that from. The bible I know says that we have a choice to believe or not. It also says to LOVE the Lord your God, not fear Him, and John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever BELIEVES in Him shall not die, but have everlasting life. From those two scriptures I see that belief in the Lord and Love of the Lord are the only two things I need to do.

After I left them, I once again found myself in Downtown Dallas for a night. The next day, my friend Casandra decided to get me some help since I was ready to kill myself to end all my suffering. She took me to Timberlawn Mental Hospital, and I stayed there close to a full month. After my stay there, I ended up in Mesquite, which is very close to where my journey began. I am currently still in Mesquite.

With that update out of the way, I can get down to the true subject of this blog. Christmas is once again upon us, and many are actually rejoicing this holiday season. There are others who, like me, are experiencing holiday blues. I can't speak for them and say why they are, but for me, holidays are a constant reminder of how I'm no longer a child and getting older by the years. Holidays are no longer as fun as they used to be for me because it is the children of the world that get the most attention during the holidays. Even my roommate, Tim, said it best yesterday when he said that Christmas is more for the children than the adults. I would just love for one time to be able to have a chance to celebrate Christmas as a child. I'm not talking about being able to have that fun by watching another child having Christmas fun. My Christmas wish is to be viewed as a child and given the same Christmas attention the regular children get. Of course, that can never happen because I am an adult, and no one will ever except an adult acting like a child, nor will they ever treat one as such. This is the reminder I get every Christmas when children get their toys, and I end up getting nothing.

With that said, I say Bah Humbug! to those who would wish me a merry Christmas, but Merry Christmas to those whom this holiday still means something to.

May 29th- Sunday Again

Here we are at Sunday again. As promised, I have yet another anti-bible study for my readers. Today, I will focus more on the contradictions of what the bible says about homosexuality and also about the ideas of more than one god and goddesses as well as why we cannot simply use masculine pronouns when speaking of our great creator.
Many people against homosexuality use what I already talked about in my last Sunday post, and still more use the scripture of Sodom and Gomorah. Looking through my bible that I was given (the one I used last Sunday), I see nothing about homosexuality and what the people of these two cities actually did wrong. In the older bibles they talk about homosexuality, fornication, idol worship, and human sacrifices. In fact, in Genesis 18:20-21 it reads only, "And the Lord said, 'Because the outcry against Sodom and Gomorah is so great, and because their sin is very grave. I will go down now and see whether the have done altogether according to the outcry against it that has come to Me, and if not, I will know.' " I then went into the concordance in the back to see if there was any mention of the word homosexuality in this bible. No surprise to me finding there was none. As you can see, this scripture does not even go into detail as to why the two cities were destroyed in this newer version of the bible. The only reason priests back in the day had to include that word in older bibles was indeed because of their own disapproval of homosexuality in order to get people to follow them and also disapprove of it. This is why I say, the bible is nothing but a book that is written and interpreted the way the person doing so wishes people to hear in order to manipulate those people into believing their belief. They had to take all that other stuff out due to the rising of the GLBT community so as not to insight a riot.
Next topic concerns our great creator and how in every bible, people refer to this creator as He, Him, and His. However, looking through my bible to find the scripture once presented a long time back about God's face is so bright, brighter than the sun, that to look upon it would mean instant death. Surprisingly, I could not find this scripture, nor did my ex-uncle in-law ever remember hearing this very scripture before. Yet, I know for certain it was once written if not now. I shall look more deeper for it and attempt to speak of it again in the future. I can, however, speak of the facts pointing to more than the one God people try to say is the only God.
In my last post I spoke of the part in Genesis, but now to go even deeper in the ten commandments. Exodus 20:1-3 says, "And God spoke all these words saying, 'I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me." It does not say You shall have no other gods other than Me. No! It says before Me. Our creator here is indeed acknowledging the facts of more than one god or goddess but wishes that we not worship them above our creator. There is the highest of the high, our creator, but there are also lesser gods and goddesses under this creator.
Until I find that scripture about God's face, I will have to just say that the bible is indeed a lie created by the hands of men who only wished to control everyone else by writing the bible in the first place and then adding and taking away as suited to their own belief they wanted to brainwash everyone into believing as well. To me, I wonder if the Wiccans are more correct in their belief of no deity at all but rather maybe it is the very power of the four elements of nature that rule over us. Maybe there is no God or Devil except for those which we ourselves create by what we do to others as well as the reasons why we do them. I say that is also included because people can do good things for others, but it is their motives behind why they are doing those good things that determine what they will get in return. Someone who does good for selfish reasons may not get what they are seeking if the good deed does not come from the heart but only for such things as expecting something back in return or even to not have to face something within themselves. Wicca creed states, "An it harm none, so mote it be." This means we are free to do as we wish as long as it does not harm others or ourselves. They also say that whatever you cast unto others returns to us ten fold. If we cast evil, evil shall come to us, but if we cast good from our heart and not for personal gain of any type, we shall receive nothing but good. My sister, Christine Bordelon, once told me that if you wish to attract positive, you must first think positive, act positive, and do positive things. This is similar to what the Wiccans believe.
I shall leave you now with all this to think about. Take care and be safe always.

May 24th- New Blog Up For Mule Account

Hello again to all my readers. Today, I don't have anything to really post about. At least, not on this blog. I have created a secondary blog on my mule account, sissyfireheartthrall@gmail.com. This blog is: Phoenix's Flight For Freedom and will be used for any post I may have that is speaking out against injustice toward everyone whether it comes from the government or from so-called family and friends. I wanted to keep this one here opened for just random thoughts and other things like my Sunday teachings I started this past Sunday. Anyway, feel free to check out my other blog and maybe follow that one as well. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 22nd- Something To Ponder

Being today is what many believe to be the sabbath day, I have a treat for all my readers. I want to talk about different religious beliefs in a way I may not have spoken of before to give all of you something to think about. I know I have already spoken of the different religions in previous blogs and also what I believe, but now I want to look in depth into why I feel the book people call the bible is nothing but lies and contradictions. First off, just this day being nominated as the sabbath is a falsehood made by mankind itself. Our calenders were made showing Sunday being the first day and the seventh being Saturday. How is it then that Sunday is the sabbath day? In some parts of the world Sunday is the last day on the calender and the week shows Monday as the first day. No one truly knows which day is the sabbath because there was no such thing as days or time when the world was first created, so it would be difficult to determine on what day our great creator rested.
Let's for today discuss the creation of mankind as written in the book of Genesis. I will be using passages coming from a bible copyrighted in 1994 by Thomas Nelson in the book of Genesis with what I knew older versions to say in parenthesis.
Genesis 1:26-27 "Then God said, 'Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.' So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. (in older versions the part of male and female was omitted leaving only He created them.)" First thing brought to question is why I put the words "us" and "our" in italics. I did this to emphasize one huge question in that some believe in the holy trinity while others believe God is the father, the son, and the holy spirit. For those who believe in God being all those, who then was God referring to when He said Us and Our? Those who believe in the holy trinity would of course use this to support their belief that there was indeed a holy trinity and it is the other two to whom He was speaking to.
Genesis 2: 2 "And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which God had created." Notice it does not say exactly what day was the seventh day, so why does mankind continue to place a day to this event? I guess it is because they feel the need to have a day set just as they feel the need to have time at all. It is to make things easier for them so that they do not just go running around with absolutely no idea what time it is or what day it is. Without time and day, people would not be able to know exactly where to be when they are supposed to be. For this reason mankind created time and day as well the years.
Genesis 2:7 "And the Lord formed man from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being." Hold the phone! I thought God had already created mankind. Why then does the bible contradict itself by saying it was not until after He had rested that man was first created? I have the answer. In older versions, it does not speak of Adam being the first man that was created. However, in Genesis 2:21-23 "And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord had taken from man He made into a woman (in older version it just says He created Eve), and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: 'This is now bone of my bone And flesh of my flesh; She then shall be called woman Because she was taken out of Man. (in older versions it adds "Thus the first woman was formed from the rib of man and given life." or something along those lines. It is hard to remember exactly what was written, but I do know there was indication that Eve was the very first woman created.) I'm sure by now you can see the differences and also things to think about for today. Men were indeed created first and Adam was NOT the first man, but Eve was indeed the first woman. The book had to be re-written, however, when the whole gay and lesbian affairs sprung up in order to justify every religion that speaks against such acts. "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," is one common quote spoken by those against gays and lesbians. Not according to what I have read in older versions of the bible. Man was indeed created first and it was only men at first until Eve came to be.
I believe I will save more for next Sunday since there are so many other things I can point out as contradictions and to list them all would make this entry too long. Next Sunday, I will continue this by discussing contradictions between saying He and Him when talking about God and the truth that shows just how it is sexist to women as well as more on the whole gay phobia that man has used the book to justify themselves for. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 20th- Hero Complex?

I have once again been doing a little soul searching to try and figure myself out. This time, I have been evaluating my compulsion to help anyone in need so much that in the end my own needs get overlooked. I thought back to all the times I would go without just because someone else needed help and also the times when I would beat myself up when I could not help without having the means to do so. One thought had come to me a few days ago. Maybe I have a hero complex if there is such a thing. Yesterday, I tried to explain it to myself the only way I knew how. Maybe I have this hero complex because rather than face the truth of me being the one who truly needs help, I want to mask this by exerting all my focus on helping others instead. This lead me to just now looking up hero complex on the web to see if there truly was such a thing. I got this from Wikibin.org:

Hero Complex

The Hero Complex is a compulsion to help others and make the world right. Although not officially considered a disorder or disease, there is an increasing number of people who 'suffer' from it. Many fictitious heroes and main characters seem to have this as well, but note that there is a difference between helping others out of choice and feeling compelled to. It may also be associated with Zoological Altruism- Instinctive cooperative behavior that is detrimental to the individual but contributes to the survival of close relatives, thus making it more likely to be passed on.

Traits
Those who have a "Hero Complex" tend to feel that the current life they live is insufficient. For most, the need will ebb and flow. There will be days where they will ask questions like why they have had the role thrust upon them, if what they're doing is really going to make a difference, and sometimes even why they care in the first place.

Many believe that they could do more if they had the means to, whether it is in terms of money, power, or something else held in prestige. Most wait quietly believing that someday they will find these means, although some go out to "find" them on their own. They also often ask the question 'is this really enough?' or 'am I doing the right thing?' Usually such questions have a demoralizing effect, but many who have the Hero Complex will be motivated to find these answers. They are very loyal and dependable, and when given a challenge will almost always find a way to complete it...if they see it as a useful challenge. These traits make them great leaders and friends, for their extensive thought process makes them great at giving advice and opinions in addition to lending their abilities and talents when they can. However, the universal respect societies have for such people leads many to ignore the negative implications. Their high standards might not only carry the risk of overextending themselves and causing depression and withdrawal, they might lead the individual to become destructive (see "Villain-Complex" below).

In fulfilling these desires, they will take on a more benevolent behavior, and 'unlock' the true meanings of themselves. This is the true need of those who have a Hero Complex.

The person suffering from true Hero Complex will have hallucinations of saving the people they care about most. They have day dreams that include saving friends/family from fires, drowning, etc. They can also get a feeling inside of them like their stomach dropped ten feet. This usually occurs when they view someone in pain. Whether its a movie, video game, or real life, their Hero Complex can be triggered by someone elses misfortune. Crying is a big weakness for those with Hero Complex. Even if the person in need is an enemy, a Hero Complex will try to help. As stated above, this is not just having a "big heart" it is a compulsion to help others. If they don't they feel horrid and think they aren't good people.

Causes
While not everyone who has been disappointed at some point in their lives will develop a hero complex, almost everyone with one has been in some way or another. One cause may be trying to atone for a sense of worthlessness. This sense may be caused by underlying stress from the inability to complete certain everyday tasks. Alternatively, because of the lack of modern-day heroes, the sufferer may be trying to compensate for a loss of 'icons' in modern societies, and they look inward instead of outward for their own gratification. They may feel guilt for not helping others in the past, or they may have felt pain at a previous point in their lives and are motivated by fear of seeing that pain inflicted on others.

Coping
Although there is no "treatment", many look for ways to find release from their troubled worlds instead of having to confront it. Often, a release can be found in video games, because of their allowance for one to enact heroic roles, or in personifications of heroes (i.e. Movies and comics or role-playing). The effects are not permanent, but can lead to an addiction to false realities. Perhaps the best thing for "victims" to do is accept there are some things we cannot change and others just need time. At other times, the best thing to do is to try to make a change, as long as the goal is within reach.

Villain Complex
A few of those who have the Hero Complex may begin to turn towards the 'dark side'. This can happen to those who either have an objective so narrow (acquiring power, defeating a nemesis) that they lose sight of everything else, or those who become so powerful they begin to use might alone to set things right. The need to help becomes the want to hurt. They often lose sight of those they are trying to help, who they might even come to despise as weak and deserving of punishment. They become intolerable of weakness and anything that deviates from their vision of a perfect world, and before long, they become the oppressors when all they wanted was to set things right. Some, like Anakin Skywalker, do not even realize they are hurting those they were trying to help and do not see the negative impact they are having.

If left in this thinking too long, they may become unrecoverable.


Though many of these listed traits actually do fit me, there's also something not included in this. In fact, my cousin, Craig Aucoin, said it best yesterday when I made a comment that I don't like spending too much money. He said, "On yourself, you don't, but you sure love spending it on others." I had to stop in my tracks because I wanted to argue with him, but dang it, he was so very correct in saying that. I would more likely spend money on what others want or need, than when it would come to something I wanted or needed. With others, it doesn't matter how much it costs. They wouldn't even have to exert a desperate need for it. All someone would have to do is say they wish they had something and immediately I feel compelled to do whatever I could to get it for them and feel so bad about it when I couldn't.
Notice this also has a bit about the reverse of the hero complex, the Villain Complex. The part in the Villain Complex that states that soon "the need to help becomes the want to hurt" is rather vague. Does this mean the want to hurt others or the want to be hurt? I don't ever want to hurt others, but I almost do feel the want to be hurt. I do have this programmed theory that everyone ends up hurting me in the end one way or another due to my having been hurt so many times by people I thought I could trust, and maybe I feel so strongly about this programmed response that I actually do tend to set myself up to be hurt just to prove the theory right. Still, I cannot see how this fits the whole Hero Complex or even a Villain one. A villain to me is someone who gets off on hurting others because they are better, stronger, faster, or smarter than the ones they hurt and are out to prove this by any means necessary. They strive to be on top even if it means using deceiving, lying, manipulating, or cruel means to do just this. That, I know for damn sure is NOT me! Sure, I do sometimes wish the ones I help would help me in return and get totally discouraged when they don't even to the point I would get angry at them for not doing so. Still, I do know that there are some I help that can't help but want to and also those who can but won't. Either way, I couldn't see myself forcing anyone to help me or trying to be on top by any means necessary. I am very content with being on the bottom because I know that I'm the one holding everyone up. We can't all be at the top because someone has to be at the bottom, right? Is this line of thinking part of the Hero Complex? You tell me so we will both know. Maybe it is time to "turn in my cape" and start helping myself for a change, but that is easier said than done. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 19th- Ain't No Rest For The Wicked

First, I would like to apologize for not updating in a while. Internet was down due to not being paid until this past Monday. Then, I was spending most of my time getting free games and music so that when (not if) the internet goes out again, I'll have things to occupy my time until it comes back. I say when because I know it will go out again since Charter is such a piece of crap it goes out every week it seems. Honestly, I am getting fed up with that. I don't like the idea of paying for something I can't use more than I can. Of course, the internet here is under my ex-uncle in-law, Leonie Aucoin's, name and he doesn't care much for the internet enough to do anything about it or switch providers, so there is not much I can do except to just go along with what he chooses. He even told me he is thinking about just dropping the internet and phone next month, so I may be having to go without for good. He says he may keep it, but he really does not want to since it is costing him too much money.
This brings me to the topic of my discussion today. We're supposed to be living in a "free" country. We're supposed to have certain "freedoms". Notice I said "supposed to" in each of those statements. I have come to learn in my 30 years of life, freedom is not free and nothing in this world is free. Freedom of speech only goes as far as what the government allows you to say. If you go against what they want you to say, you're labeled as a terrorist and stripped of your freedom of speech right. Freedom of religion only goes so far as agreeing with the government's religion. An example of this was the one man who hosted a Koran bible burning. Our government refused to step in, but let someone host a King James bible book burning, and I bet 10 to 1 the government will not allow that to happen. Why? Because the government believes in the King James bible and to against their belief would land you as a terrorist. Free? What is free? Nothing in this world is 100% free. Offers you see online claiming to be 100% free ask you to accept so many offers from sponsors before you get the 100% free from them. Catch is, all the offers require payment. The TV shows ads for "free" online games such as Star Wars and Jump Start. You go to play them and they are free........... to a certain extent. Once you reach a certain level or complete so many games, you have to pay to keep playing. Beware the word "free". Nothing is just given to you without some catch that requires you to poke out cash from your pocket.
I leave you all now with the words from Cage the Elephant, "There ain't no rest for the wicked." Crime is at an all time high just because people are having to resort to crime just to make it in this damn country and maybe the whole world for that matter. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 12th- What is Love?

Many times I have questioned this, and yet I still do not know. I know what I feel, but to say that I know what love actually is would be a lie. There's been many I have felt strong emotions toward. Some, it was for. Others, it was against.
I grew up being taught that love was honesty, trust, loyalty, care, respect, sacrifice, understanding, acceptance, honor, and protection. Honesty builds trust, but without trust it is hard to tell if one or the other is truly being honest. Loyalty can also be referred to as faithfulness in which you both are faithful to one another and only to one another do you cling to without going behind one another to secretly be with someone else. Care, to me, is when you care about your partner and your partner cares enough about you that you both are always seeking the safety and happiness of the other and do anything within each your own power to see that the other gets just that. Respect is knowing the limits of your partner and trying to remain inside those limits and same for your partner. It can also be letting your partner be and do what they want to be or do without trying to force them to be or do otherwise as your partner does for you. Sacrifice is when both of you will do anything to be with each other even if it means going somewhere or doing something that you or they may not care to go or do or even feel safe going or doing. It is putting yourself on the side for your partner just to be sure they are safe and happy and vice a versa. It is also a way to show care. Understanding is when despite the differences of your partner, you understand their feelings and interests and try to share in those feeling and interests without trying to make that person feel or be interested in something else. This goes hand and hand with acceptance because to show understanding, you must accept your partner for those differences and look past them to find the similarities that bring you two together instead. Honor is still a mystery to me as much as the word love is. Protection is when you would put yourself on the line to have your partner be safe from all types of harm that may come to them, and they do the same for you.
It's so funny how I know what all those words mean except for honor, but yet I still search for the true meaning of love. In all my relationships, I was the one who stood firm to each and every one of those things, but in the end love seemed to be just a word my partner had thrown out to me just to get what they wanted from me. Some, it was money. Others, it was sex. Still others, it was for the thrill of having so much power over me they felt they could control me way beyond my limits. I now feel very strong emotions for someone I met a year ago (and she knows who she is), and I sit here wondering if this will finally be the one who will teach me the true meaning of love. I feel in my heart she will, but yet my mind is afraid I may again be wrong. I want so badly to follow my heart and take a leap of faith, but when my heart has failed me so many times before due to the softness and ease with which it attaches itself to just anyone who ever claimed they loved me, that actually showed interest in what I had to say, and anyone who said all the right words I needed to hear, it is easy to see why I hesitate. Even so, I will not stop taking those chances because I never know when that leap will land me right where I need to be.
What is love? I leave all my readers now with that question. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 7th- Deep Thought Leads To Search For More Insight

I have been thinking real hard on something that has bothered me for some time now. That something being that I really don't know what I am like as a female. I know I am a female despite my male body, but having adapted certain personality traits of maleness just to hide the truth from others to keep myself safe from rejection or getting hurt from closed-minded individuals who only wish to destroy what they don't understand, I now wonder as I begin to peel these traits away so that I can finally be the female I know myself to be just what is my female personality.
I once thought myself to be more of a Gothic type girl because of my love for skulls, dragons, the colors red and black, flames and things a Goth would naturally love. Now, I wonder just how much of that is my girl self and how much is just the male personality I adapted to. Honestly, I never even truly liked the color pink or purple for that matter, but as I grow closer to my female self, I find I really am drawn to those colors and am beginning to see myself wearing lots of pink and purple clothing. It's almost as if I am drawn to those colors now more than I used to. I did put pink as a favorite color, but I always put it last being it was not my most favorite until now.
I also thought I was a type of girl who was not what some would call a "girly-girl", yet looking at the photos from Sissy Kiss where "girly-girl" reigns supreme, I am finding my heart yearning to be just like those in the pictures. I do know for a certain fact I am very emotional, tender-hearted, gentle, hate fighting, and would rather allow myself to be hurt than hurt anyone else. These traits are indeed more known to be for girls than for guys. Of course, that is just a general census of how society sees as the differences between girls and boys. Some girls are indeed more like guys, but I am still so confused that I begin to wonder whether I am more like a guy or more girly than I wanted to admit.
Maybe once I am able to reveal the female I am, I will finally be able to discover my true personality. Already, I find male things I was once interested in are no longer appealing to me. Wrestling, for one, used to be something I just had to watch every time it was on, but now I have gotten so uninterested in it that even watching it only on Mondays is beginning to make me wonder why I even bother.
I guess my real question is have I adapted so well to being a male even though I'm not that I have been able to fool everyone including myself? I just hope the answers come before I do become a female in both soul and body. Take care everyone and be safe always. Above all else, to thine ownself be true.

May 5th- A Funny Poem Revised

I figured I would take a break from the serious posting I normally do and share with all my readers a funny poem that I revised from something silly my birth father once told me. I guess if I had to pick a title, it would be The Craziest Thing. Anyway, hope you all enjoy it.

The Craziest Night

There is this story I feel I must tell.
It happened long ago, but I remember it well.
'Twas a dry and stormy night when two dead brothers rose up to fight.
They turned to face each other; one back to another,
drew their swords, and shot each other.
Not that story there is sad but true.
If you don't believe me, here's what you do.
Go ask the blind man across the hall.
He'll tell you; he saw it all.

They say laughter is the best medicine for whatever emotional illness we may have. If that's the case, I hope I have helped all of you to feel maybe just a slight bit better. Take care and be safe always everyone. Never forget to take time out to laugh.

May 4th- Dreams Do Come True

Ever since I accepted my sometimes uncontrollable regressions, I dreamed of someday finding the perfect mommy and/or daddy that would be true, understanding, accepting, loving, loyal, caring, protective, kind, and everything a baby would expect in them to be towards me. As the years flew by with no such luck, I began to fear I would never achieve that dream. Even almost a year ago when I met my mommy on Second Life, I had doubts whether my dream would become a reality. Now, after a year of really getting to know my mommy, I have to say that dreams really do come true. Not only do I finally have a mommy that is everything I dreamed of, I also have a daddy in her hopefully soon to be husband. Both of them are everything I mentioned above and so much more.
My only regret is that they live so far away, but I know that one day we all will be a family together in real life. That day will truly begin the bright future I see ahead of us. Don't ask me how I know it will be because all I can tell you is that I just know. I feel it deep inside despite the doubts I also feel due only to the failures I have had in my past. The past is the past, and to dwell upon it would be to hold myself hostage from being able to move forward and enjoying the mommy and daddy I now have.
The bad news I have to report, however, is that mommy's computer suffered a power surge and got damaged. I know she has posted a blog on it already, but now I would like to extend this message to all my readers as well in hopes maybe someone out there can lend a hand in helping mommy, daddy, and me to be able to get her computer fixed so we can keep in contact until the day comes when we will be together. I thank all of you ahead of time that can and do help and as always take care and be safe always everyone.

April 30- All Quiet On The Homefront

Now that everything has pretty much settled down on the home front, I am finally back in the right mind to be able to post in my blog. Before I post what I am about to post on, please be aware that this is only my thoughts on MY personal transition (as well as what I know society in my area to be like when it comes to such things) and not meant to be saying that other transsexuals should think this way or even feel like I do. I am one who feels every transsexual goes through transition in each their own way and that it is not for us to say they are any more or any less a transsexual than another. This is my way. It may be that someone else feels the same way, but whether they do or not is not important. I also want to first give a few updates on my progress of my transition. I have finally been able to successfully grow my hair long without it just going all wild as it once did before. I tried growing my nails and hoped they would not break this time. However, one broke today unfortunately. Now it's going to have to be back to square one with my nails since I cannot stand one being short and all others being long. If one is short, they all will need to be cut and regrown with hopefully better results. I did have some nail strengthener polish somewhere, but I have to locate where I put it so that after cutting them I can put that on them as they grow. Hopefully, that will solve the issue of them breaking so easily. Once they are stronger, I plan to go to a local nail salon and have them shaped evenly instead of just flat like they are now.
With that said, let's move right along into what I want to talk about. I have noticed many using the term, "passing off as" when referring to how they want to look like after they transition. Males who transition to females talk about being able to "pass off" as a female in public and vice-a-versa. To me, I don't just want to "pass off" as a woman, I want to be a woman. In other words, I already see myself as a woman, but I want others to not only see me as one but also know me as one. Before you say this is quite a contradiction as to what I just said, let me explain what I see as the difference between "passing off as" and actually being a woman and what it means to be known as one. When someone passes off as something to me means that they pretend or play a part to make others know them to be something that they know themselves to not be. Being that something is a whole lot different because not only do people see them as that something, but they are indeed that something. I know my body may be that of a male so others see male when they look at me, but I am not a male. I AM a female that wants others to see and know me as a female. To do this, I just know I have to have gender reassignment surgery.
I know there are plenty risks involved with the surgery. Costs, the possibility of the surgery coming out wrong in some way, not being comfortable in the body afterwards due to some imperfection from the surgery, and as of now there being some parts that cannot be made as authentic as an actual woman's parts are just a few. Still, when I weigh the alternative of just going out in public dressed as a woman but still having all male parts and the risks involved with that, I feel a surgery is worth the risks. Risks of the opposite end of the coin would include accidental exposure of anything that would clearly give away the gender of the body, people harassing you even to the point of getting physically violent with you, getting killed, and loss of job and/or the ability to comfortably interact with society. The last one can also be included with the risk of actually becoming a woman after being a man. Also, accidental death can be added. To me, I would risk accidental death more than I would someone actually killing me because they see me just as a man dressed in women's clothing. That's all for today. Take care and be safe always everyone.

March 26- Welcome To My World

Everyone has their own idea as to what is right, wrong, normal, and just plain weird. In a sense, we all live in our very own world defined by these ideas. I now issue an open invitation to get a look inside my mind, heart, and soul to really be able to know me. Welcome to my world. Enter at your own risk for there be some things you may be appalled by for I hold nothing to secret and always expose everything about my world that I live in.
In my world, no human or animal gets left behind. Strangers, friends, family, homeless, and even those who are different than me are all still people. I do not leave them go hungry and would not even leave them without a home if it were up to me. Birds, reptiles, felines, canines, wild, pets, strays are all still animals. I do not leave them go hungry and would not leave them without a home if it were up to me. For both people and animals alike, I do not abuse, disrespect, or neglect any.
In my world, I am queen over all but ruler of none. I am the queen of all because the world is my kingdom and I am female despite my outer appearance. I am ruler of none because all are free to do what they love and be what they feel they are as long as their actions do no harm to other people or animals.
In my world, I am judge and jury. I am both judge and jury that lives by the golden rule of, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." What others do to someone else whatever it may be, I get down to the bottom of who is at fault and who is not. This makes me the jury that decides that in the end. I am then the judge that sentences the guilty party to whatever they did to the innocent.
In my world, free is truly free. There are no hidden costs or strings that come with the freedom I give except for the boundaries I set in that if it harms none, so let it be done. I give freely without expecting anything in return unless someone decides not to be satisfied with what I give them.
In my world, there is peace and love shown amongst all living things both human and nature alike. I do unto others as I would them to do unto me and expect all under me to do the same.
In my world it is okay for an adult to relive their childhood to whatever extent they feel suits them as long as they do no physical harm to others or themselves. Everyone has an inner child, and the age of the inner child will vary from one individual to the next.
In my world, everyone chooses their own label. They are all known and referred as by what they determine they are even if their outer appearance suggests otherwise. Not to do so is disrespect.
This is my world. Take care and be safe always everyone.