Now that everything has pretty much settled down on the home front, I am finally back in the right mind to be able to post in my blog. Before I post what I am about to post on, please be aware that this is only my thoughts on MY personal transition (as well as what I know society in my area to be like when it comes to such things) and not meant to be saying that other transsexuals should think this way or even feel like I do. I am one who feels every transsexual goes through transition in each their own way and that it is not for us to say they are any more or any less a transsexual than another. This is my way. It may be that someone else feels the same way, but whether they do or not is not important. I also want to first give a few updates on my progress of my transition. I have finally been able to successfully grow my hair long without it just going all wild as it once did before. I tried growing my nails and hoped they would not break this time. However, one broke today unfortunately. Now it's going to have to be back to square one with my nails since I cannot stand one being short and all others being long. If one is short, they all will need to be cut and regrown with hopefully better results. I did have some nail strengthener polish somewhere, but I have to locate where I put it so that after cutting them I can put that on them as they grow. Hopefully, that will solve the issue of them breaking so easily. Once they are stronger, I plan to go to a local nail salon and have them shaped evenly instead of just flat like they are now.
With that said, let's move right along into what I want to talk about. I have noticed many using the term, "passing off as" when referring to how they want to look like after they transition. Males who transition to females talk about being able to "pass off" as a female in public and vice-a-versa. To me, I don't just want to "pass off" as a woman, I want to be a woman. In other words, I already see myself as a woman, but I want others to not only see me as one but also know me as one. Before you say this is quite a contradiction as to what I just said, let me explain what I see as the difference between "passing off as" and actually being a woman and what it means to be known as one. When someone passes off as something to me means that they pretend or play a part to make others know them to be something that they know themselves to not be. Being that something is a whole lot different because not only do people see them as that something, but they are indeed that something. I know my body may be that of a male so others see male when they look at me, but I am not a male. I AM a female that wants others to see and know me as a female. To do this, I just know I have to have gender reassignment surgery.
I know there are plenty risks involved with the surgery. Costs, the possibility of the surgery coming out wrong in some way, not being comfortable in the body afterwards due to some imperfection from the surgery, and as of now there being some parts that cannot be made as authentic as an actual woman's parts are just a few. Still, when I weigh the alternative of just going out in public dressed as a woman but still having all male parts and the risks involved with that, I feel a surgery is worth the risks. Risks of the opposite end of the coin would include accidental exposure of anything that would clearly give away the gender of the body, people harassing you even to the point of getting physically violent with you, getting killed, and loss of job and/or the ability to comfortably interact with society. The last one can also be included with the risk of actually becoming a woman after being a man. Also, accidental death can be added. To me, I would risk accidental death more than I would someone actually killing me because they see me just as a man dressed in women's clothing. That's all for today. Take care and be safe always everyone.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
March 26- Welcome To My World
Everyone has their own idea as to what is right, wrong, normal, and just plain weird. In a sense, we all live in our very own world defined by these ideas. I now issue an open invitation to get a look inside my mind, heart, and soul to really be able to know me. Welcome to my world. Enter at your own risk for there be some things you may be appalled by for I hold nothing to secret and always expose everything about my world that I live in.
In my world, no human or animal gets left behind. Strangers, friends, family, homeless, and even those who are different than me are all still people. I do not leave them go hungry and would not even leave them without a home if it were up to me. Birds, reptiles, felines, canines, wild, pets, strays are all still animals. I do not leave them go hungry and would not leave them without a home if it were up to me. For both people and animals alike, I do not abuse, disrespect, or neglect any.
In my world, I am queen over all but ruler of none. I am the queen of all because the world is my kingdom and I am female despite my outer appearance. I am ruler of none because all are free to do what they love and be what they feel they are as long as their actions do no harm to other people or animals.
In my world, I am judge and jury. I am both judge and jury that lives by the golden rule of, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." What others do to someone else whatever it may be, I get down to the bottom of who is at fault and who is not. This makes me the jury that decides that in the end. I am then the judge that sentences the guilty party to whatever they did to the innocent.
In my world, free is truly free. There are no hidden costs or strings that come with the freedom I give except for the boundaries I set in that if it harms none, so let it be done. I give freely without expecting anything in return unless someone decides not to be satisfied with what I give them.
In my world, there is peace and love shown amongst all living things both human and nature alike. I do unto others as I would them to do unto me and expect all under me to do the same.
In my world it is okay for an adult to relive their childhood to whatever extent they feel suits them as long as they do no physical harm to others or themselves. Everyone has an inner child, and the age of the inner child will vary from one individual to the next.
In my world, everyone chooses their own label. They are all known and referred as by what they determine they are even if their outer appearance suggests otherwise. Not to do so is disrespect.
This is my world. Take care and be safe always everyone.
In my world, no human or animal gets left behind. Strangers, friends, family, homeless, and even those who are different than me are all still people. I do not leave them go hungry and would not even leave them without a home if it were up to me. Birds, reptiles, felines, canines, wild, pets, strays are all still animals. I do not leave them go hungry and would not leave them without a home if it were up to me. For both people and animals alike, I do not abuse, disrespect, or neglect any.
In my world, I am queen over all but ruler of none. I am the queen of all because the world is my kingdom and I am female despite my outer appearance. I am ruler of none because all are free to do what they love and be what they feel they are as long as their actions do no harm to other people or animals.
In my world, I am judge and jury. I am both judge and jury that lives by the golden rule of, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." What others do to someone else whatever it may be, I get down to the bottom of who is at fault and who is not. This makes me the jury that decides that in the end. I am then the judge that sentences the guilty party to whatever they did to the innocent.
In my world, free is truly free. There are no hidden costs or strings that come with the freedom I give except for the boundaries I set in that if it harms none, so let it be done. I give freely without expecting anything in return unless someone decides not to be satisfied with what I give them.
In my world, there is peace and love shown amongst all living things both human and nature alike. I do unto others as I would them to do unto me and expect all under me to do the same.
In my world it is okay for an adult to relive their childhood to whatever extent they feel suits them as long as they do no physical harm to others or themselves. Everyone has an inner child, and the age of the inner child will vary from one individual to the next.
In my world, everyone chooses their own label. They are all known and referred as by what they determine they are even if their outer appearance suggests otherwise. Not to do so is disrespect.
This is my world. Take care and be safe always everyone.
Friday, March 25, 2011
March 25- Mind And Soul At War And Heart Torn In Between
I know I said in my previous entry that it was a good day to die, and in my mind, I still do wish I would not still be here. However, my soul has defied my mind and has once again risen from the ashes. I like to think of my mind, heart, and soul as being three separate bodies inside one vessel. My mind is constantly at war with my soul, and my heart is caught in the middle.
My mind tells my soul that enough is enough and that it is pointless to keep coming back alive only to be killed once more by the way people are in the world today. My soul continues to fight back because it wants so badly to be seen for the female it really is and will not give up until that day comes. My heart is like a rope that my mind and soul tug upon because half of it agrees that enough is enough and does not want to be shattered anymore, but the other half wants so badly to be loved and wanted by someone who will both accept and understand in order to be loved for just being itself and not for any other alternative motives.
What can I do? I guess since my soul is pretty much what makes me ME, I have no choice but to continue on rising up from the ashes until it decides to finally cease to exist. Take care and be safe always everyone.
My mind tells my soul that enough is enough and that it is pointless to keep coming back alive only to be killed once more by the way people are in the world today. My soul continues to fight back because it wants so badly to be seen for the female it really is and will not give up until that day comes. My heart is like a rope that my mind and soul tug upon because half of it agrees that enough is enough and does not want to be shattered anymore, but the other half wants so badly to be loved and wanted by someone who will both accept and understand in order to be loved for just being itself and not for any other alternative motives.
What can I do? I guess since my soul is pretty much what makes me ME, I have no choice but to continue on rising up from the ashes until it decides to finally cease to exist. Take care and be safe always everyone.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
March 23- Today Is A Good Day To Die
Today is a good day to die and death to me would be such sweet surrender. I'm so tired of just surviving one attack after another. I've been beaten, broken, torn apart, burned, shot, crapped on, chewed up, spit out, and tossed to the curb like gutter trash. Each time, I rose up from the ashes and tried to climb back up to the top only to have the cycle begin again. There comes a point where even a phoenix gives up the ghost and ceases to exist. That time is upon me now. What's this life for? Why should I continue living when everyone or everything I ever love ends up with me losing them, having to give them up, or them turning their backs on me and putting me through yet another cycle of hell? There have been a few who have always cared and had my back, but not enough of them to show me that there is still good enough reason to continue fighting. What is the meaning of life? To me, it is pain, suffering, heartache, turmoil, physical abuse, neglect, mental abuse, verbal abuse, betrayal, lies, mother's that neglect their children or force the father out of their kids life by being too controlling, and even sexual abuse by a foster mother to her 3 year old foster child. I've had some good times, but more bad times than anyone else could have ever been able to handle. I'm amazed I've even survived this long when so many would have given up if they had gone through everything I have. Christians claim God does not give you more than you can handle, but I beg to differ. This so-called God of theirs sure has given me more than I can handle. Today is truly a good day to die. Farewell to all those who actually do give a damn whether I live or die and to all my readers.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
March 16- One Main Question That Can Ask Many More
In today's society, there is so much that is kept from being made known to everyone living on this planet when it comes to gender and sexual orientation that one who really tries to discover that which is kept hidden is most often left with many questions. Millions and millions of questions begin to form in their minds, but only one question is used to ask this multitude of questions. Sure, there are a few of the questions that use other ones than this, but almost all the questions are "Why?"
My ex-uncle in-law and I had a huge disagreement once over the simple idea that two transwomen (females who are born in male bodies) could have a successful relationship. His point of view came from his watching a television channel called Logo. He told me, "There are no accounts of two transwomen ever having a successful relationship. I've never seen it on Logo, and that is the gayest channel there is. If they don't show it, then it's because it isn't possible." My point of view came more from a sense of gender not being in the same category of sexual orientation. I told him that I believed just as lesbians (females who are only attracted to other females) can co-exist as one being the male persona and the other being the female persona, so can two transwomen. With all of that said, my question is this, "Why are there no accounts of two transwomen coexisting in a relationship broadcasted on television?" I'm sure there have been many successful relationships of this type because I have seen online accounts of it, but yet the television media seems to want to keep this quiet for some reason. Again I ask, "Why?"
I went to the library two days ago and wanted to do some research on gender identity disorder (the diagnosis that many transgendered people are given in order for society to label our gender diversity as being a psychological problem more than a physical one). I couldn't find any books on my own, so the librarian looked in his computer for any books the library may have had dealing with the subject. He found a few pages in reference books that I would have had to make copies of since those kind of books are forbidden to be checked out. As I looked them over, he also had found five books that I could check out. Out of the five that I brought home, only one actually dealt with gender and not sexual orientation. Of course, it wasn't his fault. He had only looked up what I had asked for, and it was the search that produced these books. My question is, "Why is there so common a misconception among society that gender is connected with sexual orientation to where even when searching for books on gender diversity, one will mostly be directed to books of sexual orientation information?"
I am now reading the one book that has the actual information I sought after, and even in this book alone there are many questions brought up with the one common question. "Why are transwomen so much more hated than transmen (men born in the body of a woman)?", "Why is it that women are more allowed to publicly dress as men than for men to dress publicly as women?", "Why are there so many theories as to why we are what we are?", "Why can't society be more satisfied with gender diversity being a medical disease than to have it listed as a mental disease?", "Why are men and transmen thought only to be cruel and hateful in today's society especially when I know through experience that women can be just as cruel and hateful?", "Why are women and transwomen viewed as unable to be strong enough to protect themselves?", "Why, why, why?" I leave the last three open for any other questions an individual may have that asks the question of why.
As you can see, there truly is just one main question that can ask many more. In closing, I will leave all my readers with one question, "Why can't we all just learn to live as what we feel we are and let others do the same?" Take care and be safe always everyone.
My ex-uncle in-law and I had a huge disagreement once over the simple idea that two transwomen (females who are born in male bodies) could have a successful relationship. His point of view came from his watching a television channel called Logo. He told me, "There are no accounts of two transwomen ever having a successful relationship. I've never seen it on Logo, and that is the gayest channel there is. If they don't show it, then it's because it isn't possible." My point of view came more from a sense of gender not being in the same category of sexual orientation. I told him that I believed just as lesbians (females who are only attracted to other females) can co-exist as one being the male persona and the other being the female persona, so can two transwomen. With all of that said, my question is this, "Why are there no accounts of two transwomen coexisting in a relationship broadcasted on television?" I'm sure there have been many successful relationships of this type because I have seen online accounts of it, but yet the television media seems to want to keep this quiet for some reason. Again I ask, "Why?"
I went to the library two days ago and wanted to do some research on gender identity disorder (the diagnosis that many transgendered people are given in order for society to label our gender diversity as being a psychological problem more than a physical one). I couldn't find any books on my own, so the librarian looked in his computer for any books the library may have had dealing with the subject. He found a few pages in reference books that I would have had to make copies of since those kind of books are forbidden to be checked out. As I looked them over, he also had found five books that I could check out. Out of the five that I brought home, only one actually dealt with gender and not sexual orientation. Of course, it wasn't his fault. He had only looked up what I had asked for, and it was the search that produced these books. My question is, "Why is there so common a misconception among society that gender is connected with sexual orientation to where even when searching for books on gender diversity, one will mostly be directed to books of sexual orientation information?"
I am now reading the one book that has the actual information I sought after, and even in this book alone there are many questions brought up with the one common question. "Why are transwomen so much more hated than transmen (men born in the body of a woman)?", "Why is it that women are more allowed to publicly dress as men than for men to dress publicly as women?", "Why are there so many theories as to why we are what we are?", "Why can't society be more satisfied with gender diversity being a medical disease than to have it listed as a mental disease?", "Why are men and transmen thought only to be cruel and hateful in today's society especially when I know through experience that women can be just as cruel and hateful?", "Why are women and transwomen viewed as unable to be strong enough to protect themselves?", "Why, why, why?" I leave the last three open for any other questions an individual may have that asks the question of why.
As you can see, there truly is just one main question that can ask many more. In closing, I will leave all my readers with one question, "Why can't we all just learn to live as what we feel we are and let others do the same?" Take care and be safe always everyone.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
March 15- The Evil Within
"You will never be able to defeat all evil for the evil lies within. To defeat it, you would have to defeat your own self." This was something that came to me in a dream two nights ago. I didn't understand what it meant right away until I pondered it over and over. Then, I began to look within myself and back to all my actions I have ever done in my life as well as the things done to me. There were many people that have truly hurt me, but there were also many times when I only perceived what someone was doing as harmful to me as well. Instead of asking for the person to better explain their actions so I would not take it the wrong way, I would just jump to the defensive stand and lash out at what I perceived as evil.
It was then that I realized the evil inside me was in the way I viewed things from how others have treated me before. I will never be able to defeat all evil due to the simple fact I, myself, am always looking for a reason to justify my own belief that everyone else is evil and out to get me. Evil will always be there as long as you continue to look for it. It's like it says in the bible, "Seek and ye shall find." Whatever you seek, you will find because you are inadvertently drawing it to you. Just because some or most people have actually treated you badly, it does not mean that everyone you come across will do the same. Open your hearts and minds to trust even those you may not know personally until that person truly gives you reason not to trust them.
Never assume that you cannot trust a person if you don't know them personally because then you may wonder what could have been different if you had trusted that person should things go wrong by not doing so. Also, it is wrong to judge someone you do not know personally just by what someone else had done to you. Doing so may wind up with you losing out on what could have been the best thing that ever happened to you.
Another evil that could be lurking within is your own faults should you refuse to look inside and notice them. It took me a very long time to know my own faults because of this very thing. I was so stubborn that I always brushed aside whatever anyone would say about me and pass it off as them only trying to bring me down. Most of them were, but there were still some who really cared and wanted to help me become a better person. The thing was that all those who were only trying to help me agreed on a lot of things more than the most who only wanted to bring me down. Those who only wanted to bring me down would say just random things about me that was only because it was not the same as them. The things that were agreed upon by many was my temper (quick at first, but less so as time went on), my inability to handle stress correctly (lashing out more quickly when stressed out than I would when not), putting myself down way too much, sometimes uncontrollable regressions in mental state, and my financial instability. Point is that when many people try to point out the same exact thing, you should really take notice because when people agree, there most definitely is a problem whether you want to admit or not. If many people are telling you that you have an issue with not keeping your house clean, for example, then even if one or two of them may just be blowing smoke just because of who they are, there is most definitely a problem that needs to be addressed. Don't try to justify you keeping your house dirty by talking about how it was when you were growing up, how dirty another person's house may be, or by spewing the faults of someone else to show how your faults are any less important than that certain other. Faults are faults and not one is greater or lesser than another. In the end, they all are equally wrong.
People suffer in this world not only because of outside influences trying to gain power over others, but also because of the very evil that lies within each of us as individuals. Take a look inside yourself and battle that evil within. Only then can you finally defeat ALL evil. Take care and be safe always everyone.
It was then that I realized the evil inside me was in the way I viewed things from how others have treated me before. I will never be able to defeat all evil due to the simple fact I, myself, am always looking for a reason to justify my own belief that everyone else is evil and out to get me. Evil will always be there as long as you continue to look for it. It's like it says in the bible, "Seek and ye shall find." Whatever you seek, you will find because you are inadvertently drawing it to you. Just because some or most people have actually treated you badly, it does not mean that everyone you come across will do the same. Open your hearts and minds to trust even those you may not know personally until that person truly gives you reason not to trust them.
Never assume that you cannot trust a person if you don't know them personally because then you may wonder what could have been different if you had trusted that person should things go wrong by not doing so. Also, it is wrong to judge someone you do not know personally just by what someone else had done to you. Doing so may wind up with you losing out on what could have been the best thing that ever happened to you.
Another evil that could be lurking within is your own faults should you refuse to look inside and notice them. It took me a very long time to know my own faults because of this very thing. I was so stubborn that I always brushed aside whatever anyone would say about me and pass it off as them only trying to bring me down. Most of them were, but there were still some who really cared and wanted to help me become a better person. The thing was that all those who were only trying to help me agreed on a lot of things more than the most who only wanted to bring me down. Those who only wanted to bring me down would say just random things about me that was only because it was not the same as them. The things that were agreed upon by many was my temper (quick at first, but less so as time went on), my inability to handle stress correctly (lashing out more quickly when stressed out than I would when not), putting myself down way too much, sometimes uncontrollable regressions in mental state, and my financial instability. Point is that when many people try to point out the same exact thing, you should really take notice because when people agree, there most definitely is a problem whether you want to admit or not. If many people are telling you that you have an issue with not keeping your house clean, for example, then even if one or two of them may just be blowing smoke just because of who they are, there is most definitely a problem that needs to be addressed. Don't try to justify you keeping your house dirty by talking about how it was when you were growing up, how dirty another person's house may be, or by spewing the faults of someone else to show how your faults are any less important than that certain other. Faults are faults and not one is greater or lesser than another. In the end, they all are equally wrong.
People suffer in this world not only because of outside influences trying to gain power over others, but also because of the very evil that lies within each of us as individuals. Take a look inside yourself and battle that evil within. Only then can you finally defeat ALL evil. Take care and be safe always everyone.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
March 12- The Road Map Of Life
"There is no better a road map of life than this: from knowledge comes wisdom, from wisdom comes strength, from strength comes courage, and from courage comes peace. Trust, faith, belief, hope, and love are just tools that help us along the way."- me
I started off with this philosophical quote I came up with today so that all my readers can see that not only am I good with giving advice along with writing poetry and novels, but I am also quite a philosopher when I put my mind to it. I sometimes come up with these quotes as I am pondering the many mysteries of life and love to share them once I get it in my mind. These quotes are not just random musings, but can help anyone who reads them to learn what I had to learn on my own. To be a good teacher, it is not just coming up with the quote, but knowing how to break it down and explain the meanings behind it. All the famous philosophers never really explained what they were meaning, but left it to the readers to figure it out. I, on the other hand, have come to learn how one thing can be interpreted many different ways as I have already explained many times before in my previous entries. It is for this reason that I now will break each section down and explain it to those who may be reading and wondering what I am trying to say. Let me begin.
1. There is no better a road map of life than this- Basically life is most often referred as a road we all travel every day. "Life is like a road that you travel on," was sung in Rascal Flatts' "Life is a Highway". I say that what follows is like a road map that can guide those who follow my map and keep them from getting lost in their search for peace.
2. from knowledge comes wisdom- As people, we are always the weakest when we don't have any knowledge or understanding of something. It is always best to begin your journey toward peace learning what needs to be learned and then you will get wisdom when you apply that knowledge to get you to the next checkpoint.
3. from wisdom comes strength- The next checkpoint is when you use your wisdom of what you learned and gain strength from that wisdom. A lot of others will say that strength is measured by muscles and body, but they are wrong. Strength comes from having wisdom to know when and how to fight as well as when and how not to. After strength is achieved through wisdom, you will see that getting to the half-way mark to peace is much easier than getting from the start to the first checkpoint.
4. from strength comes courage- This is the half-way mark on the road of life toward peace. It is also again one that many will try and say I am wrong on. Those who do will believe that it is courage that gives you strength, are the ones who do not know what true strength is. They believe not only what I mentioned above but also that strength is power. Through courage they gain this power over others, but they will never have peace because they will constantly have to be on guard for others like them who wish to challenge their power. This is why I say the strength I know to be strength brings courage. With courage, nothing can deter you from completing your journey.
5. from courage comes peace- Courage is not being afraid and knowing that you will not be moved from finding the peace you so long for. Once you have reached all the above points in life for the thing you were finding peace for, you will still have new things come up that will once again require you to repeat the steps because it is mainly the fear of the unknowing that causes our peace to be wavered until we regain the knowledge, wisdom, strength and courage to get past each individual new thing we do not understand.
6. Trust, faith, belief, hope, and love are just tools to help us along the way.- This basically lists in order of importance the different tools we can use in life to help us along our journey until our last day on Earth. Trust is most important because we all need to trust one another as well as ourselves in what we believe. Faith is built stronger upon the trust that is our foundation. Belief needs faith to settle on because without that faith our beliefs are dead and can be shaken down by anyone who believes differently or even by events in our lives we may find hard to overcome. Hope comes from our belief because everyone has rights to believe in anything that gives them hope to go on, and no one has the right to force anyone to change their belief. The final tool is love which can be gotten when we all come together and stop judging each other for our differences in skin color, outer appearance, gender, sexual preference, faith, actions, interests, and what we may feel like inside. I call trust, faith, belief, hope, and love each an individual tool to help us along the way, but as you can plainly see each prior tool is needed to create the next tool down from it, so they are all connected as one in a way.
I hope this blog has filled you with something to use in life. In parting, take care and be safe always everyone.
I started off with this philosophical quote I came up with today so that all my readers can see that not only am I good with giving advice along with writing poetry and novels, but I am also quite a philosopher when I put my mind to it. I sometimes come up with these quotes as I am pondering the many mysteries of life and love to share them once I get it in my mind. These quotes are not just random musings, but can help anyone who reads them to learn what I had to learn on my own. To be a good teacher, it is not just coming up with the quote, but knowing how to break it down and explain the meanings behind it. All the famous philosophers never really explained what they were meaning, but left it to the readers to figure it out. I, on the other hand, have come to learn how one thing can be interpreted many different ways as I have already explained many times before in my previous entries. It is for this reason that I now will break each section down and explain it to those who may be reading and wondering what I am trying to say. Let me begin.
1. There is no better a road map of life than this- Basically life is most often referred as a road we all travel every day. "Life is like a road that you travel on," was sung in Rascal Flatts' "Life is a Highway". I say that what follows is like a road map that can guide those who follow my map and keep them from getting lost in their search for peace.
2. from knowledge comes wisdom- As people, we are always the weakest when we don't have any knowledge or understanding of something. It is always best to begin your journey toward peace learning what needs to be learned and then you will get wisdom when you apply that knowledge to get you to the next checkpoint.
3. from wisdom comes strength- The next checkpoint is when you use your wisdom of what you learned and gain strength from that wisdom. A lot of others will say that strength is measured by muscles and body, but they are wrong. Strength comes from having wisdom to know when and how to fight as well as when and how not to. After strength is achieved through wisdom, you will see that getting to the half-way mark to peace is much easier than getting from the start to the first checkpoint.
4. from strength comes courage- This is the half-way mark on the road of life toward peace. It is also again one that many will try and say I am wrong on. Those who do will believe that it is courage that gives you strength, are the ones who do not know what true strength is. They believe not only what I mentioned above but also that strength is power. Through courage they gain this power over others, but they will never have peace because they will constantly have to be on guard for others like them who wish to challenge their power. This is why I say the strength I know to be strength brings courage. With courage, nothing can deter you from completing your journey.
5. from courage comes peace- Courage is not being afraid and knowing that you will not be moved from finding the peace you so long for. Once you have reached all the above points in life for the thing you were finding peace for, you will still have new things come up that will once again require you to repeat the steps because it is mainly the fear of the unknowing that causes our peace to be wavered until we regain the knowledge, wisdom, strength and courage to get past each individual new thing we do not understand.
6. Trust, faith, belief, hope, and love are just tools to help us along the way.- This basically lists in order of importance the different tools we can use in life to help us along our journey until our last day on Earth. Trust is most important because we all need to trust one another as well as ourselves in what we believe. Faith is built stronger upon the trust that is our foundation. Belief needs faith to settle on because without that faith our beliefs are dead and can be shaken down by anyone who believes differently or even by events in our lives we may find hard to overcome. Hope comes from our belief because everyone has rights to believe in anything that gives them hope to go on, and no one has the right to force anyone to change their belief. The final tool is love which can be gotten when we all come together and stop judging each other for our differences in skin color, outer appearance, gender, sexual preference, faith, actions, interests, and what we may feel like inside. I call trust, faith, belief, hope, and love each an individual tool to help us along the way, but as you can plainly see each prior tool is needed to create the next tool down from it, so they are all connected as one in a way.
I hope this blog has filled you with something to use in life. In parting, take care and be safe always everyone.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
March 02- Three In One
Hello again to all my readers. Due to the Mardi Gras season being upon the state of Louisiana, I have been unable to post daily. In order to catch up on days that I missed, I have three pieces of advice to give in this one post.
My first piece of advice is on how it is always wrong to make a judgment based on only one person's side of a story. I would like to say a quote that I always live by. "Any judgment made on only half of a story is a tainted one." By that, I basically mean that if you were to hear one person's side of any story they tell about someone else and make a judgment without hearing the other person's side of that same story, you would only be hearing what that person believes in their mind to be true about the other. They may either leave out certain things or falsify certain pieces of information that would be crucial to making a good judgment that may ultimately make that person to be more in the wrong than what they appear. It's always best to hear both sides in order to be able to look at all what is said and then form your own opinion instead of falling victim to being manipulated into believing what the one person you hear from believes. The same goes for any story about anything else other than another person.
My second piece of advice that I have just recently experienced is to say exactly what you mean to say. Choose your words carefully because someone may take what you say to mean something other than what you actually were saying. For example, my daughter's mother had asked me once she found out she was pregnant how I felt about going to be a father for the second time. I had told her that I was both overjoyed and scared. I was overjoyed because it is so spectacular to play a part in bringing life into this world, but I was scared because I knew was not financial prepared for having another child and worried whether or not I would be able to support the new child as well as the son I already had. I told her exactly that to which I got this from her, "Well what are you saying? You want me to go and have an abortion?" Here's where my words were taken and misunderstood. I responded to her simply, "You suggested it and not me." Of course what I meant by that but did not say was that being she suggested it, she must have obviously had it on HER mind to go and do it, and I was not going to stop her. She took it to mean that I was suggesting she have an abortion and now claims I never wanted my daughter. In actuality, my thoughts on the matter of abortion is somewhere between Pro Life and Pro Choice. I am Pro Life because I don't believe that killing anyone is right and an unborn child is still a person and therefore an abortion is the same as killing a person. However, I am also Pro Choice because I feel that if a woman carrying an unborn child can actually go and kill that person inside of them and still rest easy knowing what they have done, I'm not going to stop them. The reason for that is because I'm not the one they have to answer to in the end. I'm not the one who will judge them for doing it. That is ultimately our Creator's job. The main point is still the same, however. You can see now how one simple phrase, "You suggested it and not me," was taken two different ways and could possibly be taken several other ways as well by many different people. Again, choose your words carefully. The best bet is to say things exactly as they are in your mind to say them so there can be no doubt as to what you mean to say.
My third and final piece of advice is to never jump to conclusions if you don't have all the information needed to form a good conclusion. This kind of ties in with both pieces of advice from before in that it is easy to jump to conclusions either way. If you only hear one side of a story, then you don't have the full information you need to form an unbiased conclusion, so therefore you have indeed jumped to a conclusion. Also, if you don't understand what a person is meaning by what they are saying, it would be better to ask them if they can fully explain what they are trying to get across. Otherwise, you jump to conclusions and begin to form in your own mind a belief of what they have said that may not be what they wanted to get across. Another way you can jump to a conclusion is when you walk in on people having a conversation whether in person or online and make a conclusion based only on the parts you heard or saw written and not everything that was actually being discussed. Instead, if you walk in on half of a conversation and it pertains to you, then you need to politely ask if someone can fill you in on what you missed so that you don't doing something you'd regret because you took offense to what you concluded by only hearing or seeing part of a conversation.
Well, that's it readers. I'll try my best to be back tomorrow with more advice for you all. Take care and be safe always.
My first piece of advice is on how it is always wrong to make a judgment based on only one person's side of a story. I would like to say a quote that I always live by. "Any judgment made on only half of a story is a tainted one." By that, I basically mean that if you were to hear one person's side of any story they tell about someone else and make a judgment without hearing the other person's side of that same story, you would only be hearing what that person believes in their mind to be true about the other. They may either leave out certain things or falsify certain pieces of information that would be crucial to making a good judgment that may ultimately make that person to be more in the wrong than what they appear. It's always best to hear both sides in order to be able to look at all what is said and then form your own opinion instead of falling victim to being manipulated into believing what the one person you hear from believes. The same goes for any story about anything else other than another person.
My second piece of advice that I have just recently experienced is to say exactly what you mean to say. Choose your words carefully because someone may take what you say to mean something other than what you actually were saying. For example, my daughter's mother had asked me once she found out she was pregnant how I felt about going to be a father for the second time. I had told her that I was both overjoyed and scared. I was overjoyed because it is so spectacular to play a part in bringing life into this world, but I was scared because I knew was not financial prepared for having another child and worried whether or not I would be able to support the new child as well as the son I already had. I told her exactly that to which I got this from her, "Well what are you saying? You want me to go and have an abortion?" Here's where my words were taken and misunderstood. I responded to her simply, "You suggested it and not me." Of course what I meant by that but did not say was that being she suggested it, she must have obviously had it on HER mind to go and do it, and I was not going to stop her. She took it to mean that I was suggesting she have an abortion and now claims I never wanted my daughter. In actuality, my thoughts on the matter of abortion is somewhere between Pro Life and Pro Choice. I am Pro Life because I don't believe that killing anyone is right and an unborn child is still a person and therefore an abortion is the same as killing a person. However, I am also Pro Choice because I feel that if a woman carrying an unborn child can actually go and kill that person inside of them and still rest easy knowing what they have done, I'm not going to stop them. The reason for that is because I'm not the one they have to answer to in the end. I'm not the one who will judge them for doing it. That is ultimately our Creator's job. The main point is still the same, however. You can see now how one simple phrase, "You suggested it and not me," was taken two different ways and could possibly be taken several other ways as well by many different people. Again, choose your words carefully. The best bet is to say things exactly as they are in your mind to say them so there can be no doubt as to what you mean to say.
My third and final piece of advice is to never jump to conclusions if you don't have all the information needed to form a good conclusion. This kind of ties in with both pieces of advice from before in that it is easy to jump to conclusions either way. If you only hear one side of a story, then you don't have the full information you need to form an unbiased conclusion, so therefore you have indeed jumped to a conclusion. Also, if you don't understand what a person is meaning by what they are saying, it would be better to ask them if they can fully explain what they are trying to get across. Otherwise, you jump to conclusions and begin to form in your own mind a belief of what they have said that may not be what they wanted to get across. Another way you can jump to a conclusion is when you walk in on people having a conversation whether in person or online and make a conclusion based only on the parts you heard or saw written and not everything that was actually being discussed. Instead, if you walk in on half of a conversation and it pertains to you, then you need to politely ask if someone can fill you in on what you missed so that you don't doing something you'd regret because you took offense to what you concluded by only hearing or seeing part of a conversation.
Well, that's it readers. I'll try my best to be back tomorrow with more advice for you all. Take care and be safe always.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
February 27- Put Things In Proper Order Of Importance
Here we go again. It's a new day with so much new things to learn. I only hope that my readers can at least learn something new from me. It doesn't have to be the only lesson they learn each day because the way I see it is that we all learn new lessons every single waking moment of each new day of our lives. My advice I wish to give today is to put things in proper order of importance.
Have you ever had a decision to make that you went to bed questioning in your mind which way to go or whether or not doing something would be a good thing or not? Have you, then, ever received an answer to that unspoken question while you sleep in the form of a dream? I did today. The reason I want to talk about this first is because it is ultimately what gave me the idea of what advice to give today. I won't go into detail of what I was trying to decide except to say that it was whether or not to get something I wanted when I get my checks next month. I went to sleep debating over this in my mind, and in a dream the answer did come with someone I couldn't actually see the face of asking me, "Why are so down and out today?" I answered this person, "Because I don't know if it would be a good idea to get this thing I really want to get when I know there are people who need my help to get things for them, and I don't want to disappoint them." This person then responded so frankly that I was shocked this stranger even knew my life story, "Why are you so worried about what everyone else needs or wants when everyone seems to want from you, but then when you want, you have to go without?" That was when I woke up. It is true that everyone seems to want from me, but I always go without whenever I want something because I sacrifice everything to give everyone what they ask of me. Then, when I ask for something from them, they refuse to help me.
That brings me to what I actually want to post about. The best thing to always remember is to put things in proper order of importance. If you have a child living with you, the child's needs always come first. Next, you take care of your own needs. Then, you save a little for any emergency that might come up with your child or yourself. Finally, if you have enough money left over, you can get whatever you want. If you live alone, the order is still pretty much the same except you don't have to worry about what a child needs, but you still have to get what you NEED first. I would also at least recommend saving a little emergency cash for yourself before getting anything you want. You never know when you might fall ill and need money for medicine.
When it comes to a list of things that needs to be done, sort them out by selecting the thing with the most priority first and then going down the list with the next important thing that needs to be done and so on until you get to the things that would be no problem saving for another day should you not be able to get everything done in one day. That way, you will have less stress when trying to get it done and not be confused as to what order you want to do them in.
Anyway, that is my two cents for today. Take care and be safe always everyone, and remember to put things in proper order of importance because not everyone who asks of you will be there when you need the most to help you pay something that should have been paid first or do something that should have been done first.
Have you ever had a decision to make that you went to bed questioning in your mind which way to go or whether or not doing something would be a good thing or not? Have you, then, ever received an answer to that unspoken question while you sleep in the form of a dream? I did today. The reason I want to talk about this first is because it is ultimately what gave me the idea of what advice to give today. I won't go into detail of what I was trying to decide except to say that it was whether or not to get something I wanted when I get my checks next month. I went to sleep debating over this in my mind, and in a dream the answer did come with someone I couldn't actually see the face of asking me, "Why are so down and out today?" I answered this person, "Because I don't know if it would be a good idea to get this thing I really want to get when I know there are people who need my help to get things for them, and I don't want to disappoint them." This person then responded so frankly that I was shocked this stranger even knew my life story, "Why are you so worried about what everyone else needs or wants when everyone seems to want from you, but then when you want, you have to go without?" That was when I woke up. It is true that everyone seems to want from me, but I always go without whenever I want something because I sacrifice everything to give everyone what they ask of me. Then, when I ask for something from them, they refuse to help me.
That brings me to what I actually want to post about. The best thing to always remember is to put things in proper order of importance. If you have a child living with you, the child's needs always come first. Next, you take care of your own needs. Then, you save a little for any emergency that might come up with your child or yourself. Finally, if you have enough money left over, you can get whatever you want. If you live alone, the order is still pretty much the same except you don't have to worry about what a child needs, but you still have to get what you NEED first. I would also at least recommend saving a little emergency cash for yourself before getting anything you want. You never know when you might fall ill and need money for medicine.
When it comes to a list of things that needs to be done, sort them out by selecting the thing with the most priority first and then going down the list with the next important thing that needs to be done and so on until you get to the things that would be no problem saving for another day should you not be able to get everything done in one day. That way, you will have less stress when trying to get it done and not be confused as to what order you want to do them in.
Anyway, that is my two cents for today. Take care and be safe always everyone, and remember to put things in proper order of importance because not everyone who asks of you will be there when you need the most to help you pay something that should have been paid first or do something that should have been done first.
Friday, February 25, 2011
February 25- Be Yourself
Hello again to all my readers. Today's post is going to go in a whole new direction from the drama I have been posting so much of. Instead, I want to start posting some advice for all of you. Maybe at least one of you will take some advice I give and actually use it to better your own life. I'm not going to be able to tell who uses my advice, but at least it will be here for anyone who does wish to take it.
One thing that always seems to be an issues with most people of today is the difficulty of just being themselves no matter what others tell them is " not normal", "not natural", "sick", or even "sinful". We are all born with certain personality characteristics that define who we are, what we are, which gender we love, what we believe, or even what interests us the most. Some of us choose to go by what we were born with. Others are influenced so much by what they are taught that their minds become closed to anything that does not fit that programming even to the point where they lose their own selves that they were born as. It is these people that begin later in life to re-discover the things they were born with but or so afraid to become what they were born to become because of what they were taught and how others would reject them.
I used to be one of those people until I learned that it is okay to be unique and different, for if we were meant to all be the same, believe the same, think the same, do the same, or even enjoy the same things as everyone else, we would be all robots of the same make and model following the same program. The world would be so dull and void of anything life-like. We are all unique, however, and have different views on what normal is in our own view of reality based on whatever we were born with.
I AM FEMALE. I don't care now that I have male parts, and I wish others would just accept me and refer to me by my own label I place on myself and not what label they put on me just by what they see me as due to what life has taught them about the differences between a female body and a male one. I won't even refer to myself as transsexual anymore because that would be like accepting that I am male but wishing to be female. I AM FEMALE.
I AM BISEXUAL. Love has no boundaries and cannot distinguish between male and female. We all love who we love. If a man loves another man, who are we to limit that love to where a man can only love a woman. If a woman loves a woman, who are we to limit that love to where a woman can only love a man. If a woman loves both a man and a woman, again we cannot limit that love. The same for a man that loves a man and a woman. I AM BISEXUAL.
I AM A TRUE INFANTILIST. I may have the physical age of an adult, but there are times when I feel the need to regress to a child of 1-2 years old. Some may consider that to be an adult baby, but a true infantilist is not an adult baby just like a transsexual is not a transvestite. Being an adult baby pertains to being so for the sexual gratification much like a transvestite wears opposite gender clothing for such reasons. A true infantilist does it for comfort, because it just feels right to them to be the age they regress to, to find love they may not have had at childhood, and/or as a defense mechanism for times of stress. When they regress, they want nothing more than to actually be the age they regress to with nothing adult related on their minds except for having a "mommy" and/or "daddy" to take care of them as a "mommy" and/or "daddy" does to real children of that age. This is much like a transsexual who wears opposite gender clothing for comfort or just because it feels right to them because that is what they believe themselves to be despite outer appearances. I AM A TRUE INFANTILIST.
These are just a few examples of what I know myself to be to show you all how to get past the negativity of others who were programmed to believe one thing and refuse to open their minds to the possibility of anything other than that. There was one point brought to my attention in a forum on another site I go to. That point was that whatever each individual chooses to label themselves as, it is their right to do so. Whatever label you feel is right for you, then that is the one you can put on and be. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different. When you live your life for others, you are living their life and not your own. Live for yourself and just be yourself. Take care and be safe always everyone.
One thing that always seems to be an issues with most people of today is the difficulty of just being themselves no matter what others tell them is " not normal", "not natural", "sick", or even "sinful". We are all born with certain personality characteristics that define who we are, what we are, which gender we love, what we believe, or even what interests us the most. Some of us choose to go by what we were born with. Others are influenced so much by what they are taught that their minds become closed to anything that does not fit that programming even to the point where they lose their own selves that they were born as. It is these people that begin later in life to re-discover the things they were born with but or so afraid to become what they were born to become because of what they were taught and how others would reject them.
I used to be one of those people until I learned that it is okay to be unique and different, for if we were meant to all be the same, believe the same, think the same, do the same, or even enjoy the same things as everyone else, we would be all robots of the same make and model following the same program. The world would be so dull and void of anything life-like. We are all unique, however, and have different views on what normal is in our own view of reality based on whatever we were born with.
I AM FEMALE. I don't care now that I have male parts, and I wish others would just accept me and refer to me by my own label I place on myself and not what label they put on me just by what they see me as due to what life has taught them about the differences between a female body and a male one. I won't even refer to myself as transsexual anymore because that would be like accepting that I am male but wishing to be female. I AM FEMALE.
I AM BISEXUAL. Love has no boundaries and cannot distinguish between male and female. We all love who we love. If a man loves another man, who are we to limit that love to where a man can only love a woman. If a woman loves a woman, who are we to limit that love to where a woman can only love a man. If a woman loves both a man and a woman, again we cannot limit that love. The same for a man that loves a man and a woman. I AM BISEXUAL.
I AM A TRUE INFANTILIST. I may have the physical age of an adult, but there are times when I feel the need to regress to a child of 1-2 years old. Some may consider that to be an adult baby, but a true infantilist is not an adult baby just like a transsexual is not a transvestite. Being an adult baby pertains to being so for the sexual gratification much like a transvestite wears opposite gender clothing for such reasons. A true infantilist does it for comfort, because it just feels right to them to be the age they regress to, to find love they may not have had at childhood, and/or as a defense mechanism for times of stress. When they regress, they want nothing more than to actually be the age they regress to with nothing adult related on their minds except for having a "mommy" and/or "daddy" to take care of them as a "mommy" and/or "daddy" does to real children of that age. This is much like a transsexual who wears opposite gender clothing for comfort or just because it feels right to them because that is what they believe themselves to be despite outer appearances. I AM A TRUE INFANTILIST.
These are just a few examples of what I know myself to be to show you all how to get past the negativity of others who were programmed to believe one thing and refuse to open their minds to the possibility of anything other than that. There was one point brought to my attention in a forum on another site I go to. That point was that whatever each individual chooses to label themselves as, it is their right to do so. Whatever label you feel is right for you, then that is the one you can put on and be. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different. When you live your life for others, you are living their life and not your own. Live for yourself and just be yourself. Take care and be safe always everyone.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
February 23- Free Will Vs. Destiny And Other Things I Believe In
I know I have already posted about the bible and how it can be interpreted so many different ways according to who is interpreting it and what they want anyone else to believe according to their own beliefs. Today, I just want to take time out to talk a little bit about my own beliefs. It's not to try and force what I believe on anyone else, but rather to inform my readers about what I believe in and why. The most important thing to always remember when it comes to belief is that a belief without faith strong enough to back that belief no matter what may come your way is a dead belief because faith is what keeps the belief alive. The next important thing to remember is that whatever an individual believes in, it is their right to have that belief because everyone needs something to believe in or else living would be meaningless. With that said, I now move on to describe each of my beliefs and why I feel so strongly about that belief.
My first belief is one that I have already spoken of in a post from before. The creator of our Earth was a woman and not a man. I say this not because I feel I am a woman and not a man, but rather because when thinking of the people who revised the bible from what they interpreted the old writings or even tales passed down to be, they were all men. Women at that time were forced to be seen and not heard, so of course making our creator to be a man gave them right to show how a man was more powerful than a woman. They also wrote in that women had no say in a man's business other than to cook, clean, and bare children and that this was their God's very own say in how it should be. They even have some countries that went as far as telling the women that their God ordered that women should not show their face in public and always walk behind man to show respect for man's dominance over them. What they failed to mention in their teachings, however, is that there is a contradiction in their own writing of the bible. That contradiction comes when they claim that, "No one has seen the face of God for God shines so bright even brighter than the sun that to look upon the face of God would be instant death." If no one has actually seen God, what right then do they have of constantly referring to God as a HIM or HE without being guilty of gender discrimination? To me our creator comes to each individual however that individual believes our creator to be. To me, our creator is most definitely a female because it is what I have felt since birth and stand by it to my dying day.
My second belief is another one I have spoken of before in my postings. I believe that what most call angels are really lesser gods and goddesses that have the powers to control nature but must still report to the Mother of Creation even though they are still higher powers than we are.
I believe this to be true because the bible only says that, "There shall be no gods BEFORE me." Looking at this, the Mother of all Creation did not deny the existence of other gods and goddesses, but rather that we do not worship them above Her. It also says in the very beginning, "Let us make man in OUR own image." Who is the others that make up the OUR if not other gods and goddesses? Some preachers would say that "He" was speaking to "His" son and the holy spirit in order to further educate others towards the holy trinity theory which they believe in. Still, there are others who believe there was no holy trinity and that there was only God the "Father", God the "Son" (God coming to Earth in the human form of again a man), and God the Spirit. All parts being just one almighty. Again, it is all about what the individual believes. If you believe the second part, then again I must ask, who were the others that made up the OUR in the phrase I mentioned?
My third belief is again one I have made mention of before. I believe in three plains of existence. The high plane or heavens, the physical plane which we live in, and purgatory. What I may have not mentioned about purgatory is that there is no Satan in my belief. It is just a place that people who have done horribly wrong things in their lives are sent to face their own personal demons according to what that individual committed to be sent there for the rest of eternity. For example, if you were to murder someone. When you die, you would go to purgatory to be murdered day after day for all eternity. That would be your personal demon. I don't believe in Hell or that Lucifer rules over it, because in Revelations of the bible it talks about a lake of fire that evil souls will be thrown into where they will suffer for all eternity. It also says then that the "beast" will be thrown into the pit and locked there for one thousand years and then be set loose to once AGAIN walk the Earth. The bible also says that Lucifer was once an "angel" of God that cast was cast down to EARTH for trying to make themselves seem more powerful than God by claiming he could win more souls over than God could. He was never cast into what most people call hell. He was cast down to Earth. That is why we have so much pain and hardships that befall us here on Earth because Lucifer is part of our physical plane until he is thrown into the pit and locked up for one thousand years upon which he will be again walking the Earth to wage battle on the forces of good after which he and all his forces will also go into the pit of fire for all eternity. At least that is what I gather from what their bible says. He is not already in the pit of fire, he is here among us. Like the Mother of all Creation, he too can appear to us in any form he chooses.
My fourth belief is one I have never mentioned before. I believe in the power of nature. At least when it comes to healing the emotionally ill which I also believe most illnesses actually derive from. You may have noticed that whenever you feel the most depressed or have suffered a significant emotional trauma in your life, you have been the most easily attuned to getting sick from one thing or another. I know I have. Anyway, even so called sinus attacks most often occur when our emotions are not at our best because when we are depressed we loose energy that keeps us moving and enjoying our life. This lack of energy in turn allows for better chances of whatever attacks our sinuses to make them flare up more of an opportunity to do just that. Nature (and I'm not saying it is the absolute cure for everything) has a calming effect that soothes the emotions and takes away the stress because when anyone respects and shows nature love, nature in turn does likewise. Nature does not judge based on what a person appears on the outside to look like. Nature does not care what a person believes themselves to be on the inside. Nature does not care what things an individual may be into that other people would view as not natural, normal, or call that person sick for them being into it. Nature just totally and completely accepts each and every one of us as we are. It is when a person realizes this that nature's healing powers began to manifest themselves to that person. I know most people want to blame nature for their illness, but what they fail to realize is that without pollution that we ourselves have caused, nature would be as it was before our arrival. It is nature's fault that mankind has treated nature so wrongfully and hatefully to where it is now so polluted with car fumes, pesticides, factory smoke, hair spray fumes, and whatever else we as people have done.
We should not blame nature for our health problems we now suffer from.
My fifth and final belief is that we ourselves have free will to determine what our future holds in store for us. Of course, the bible does not deny that we were given free will. However, it once again contradicts itself when it says that before we are even born God has counted every hair on our head and knows what we are going to think about before we think about it, say before we say it, and do before we even do it because "He" has already predetermined our lives for us. This leads me to believe that we don't have free will, but rather we are forced to play a part in some destiny that God has already written for us. It also leads me to believe that not only are we just actors and actresses reciting from a script that God has written, but that those who believe in the "Butterfly Effect" (changing one thing in the past changes the future) would be lying. Let's say I had enough money to go out and buy me a mansion tomorrow. I know I don't, but this is just an example. According to the bible, it was already predestined for me to have that mansion, so even if time travel were possible, and I was to go back and change one event in my life that would cause me to not have the money I had to get that mansion, I will still come back to the present and have my mansion because it was already predestined that I would have one. Also, using my son. Again, if I was to time travel back and change me ever meeting my son's birth mother, Tiff, I would still have my son because it was predestined I would have him. For my last example, this time I will travel to the future to see I died in a car crash on July 17th, 2014. Now say I came back to the present knowing what is supposed to happen. I choose not to get in the car or any vehicle for that matter on that day. Being our lives are pre destined, you're telling me I would not be able to prevent my death even by not getting in any vehicle on that day? It doesn't make sense, does it? Unless you think it would happen like in Final Destination, free will allows us as individuals to write our own future based on the actions we choose in the present. There is no way our futures are already planned out.
Those are all my beliefs and why I believe in them. I know it is only few, but I just want to add in closing that there are other things I am open to the possibility of. I don't believe in ghosts, but I am open to the possibility they do exist. I don't believe in voodo0, hoodoo, or any spell casting of any sort, but I am open to the possibility spell casting can be done. I don't believe in aliens coming to Earth, but I am open to the possibility they exist on other planets. You see, no matter what differences we have in what we individually believe in, we need to always keep ourselves open to the possibility that the other person's belief may be fact and not pure fiction or even that they will not go to "Hell" for not believing what we as individuals believe. That's all I got for today. Take care and be safe always everyone.
My first belief is one that I have already spoken of in a post from before. The creator of our Earth was a woman and not a man. I say this not because I feel I am a woman and not a man, but rather because when thinking of the people who revised the bible from what they interpreted the old writings or even tales passed down to be, they were all men. Women at that time were forced to be seen and not heard, so of course making our creator to be a man gave them right to show how a man was more powerful than a woman. They also wrote in that women had no say in a man's business other than to cook, clean, and bare children and that this was their God's very own say in how it should be. They even have some countries that went as far as telling the women that their God ordered that women should not show their face in public and always walk behind man to show respect for man's dominance over them. What they failed to mention in their teachings, however, is that there is a contradiction in their own writing of the bible. That contradiction comes when they claim that, "No one has seen the face of God for God shines so bright even brighter than the sun that to look upon the face of God would be instant death." If no one has actually seen God, what right then do they have of constantly referring to God as a HIM or HE without being guilty of gender discrimination? To me our creator comes to each individual however that individual believes our creator to be. To me, our creator is most definitely a female because it is what I have felt since birth and stand by it to my dying day.
My second belief is another one I have spoken of before in my postings. I believe that what most call angels are really lesser gods and goddesses that have the powers to control nature but must still report to the Mother of Creation even though they are still higher powers than we are.
I believe this to be true because the bible only says that, "There shall be no gods BEFORE me." Looking at this, the Mother of all Creation did not deny the existence of other gods and goddesses, but rather that we do not worship them above Her. It also says in the very beginning, "Let us make man in OUR own image." Who is the others that make up the OUR if not other gods and goddesses? Some preachers would say that "He" was speaking to "His" son and the holy spirit in order to further educate others towards the holy trinity theory which they believe in. Still, there are others who believe there was no holy trinity and that there was only God the "Father", God the "Son" (God coming to Earth in the human form of again a man), and God the Spirit. All parts being just one almighty. Again, it is all about what the individual believes. If you believe the second part, then again I must ask, who were the others that made up the OUR in the phrase I mentioned?
My third belief is again one I have made mention of before. I believe in three plains of existence. The high plane or heavens, the physical plane which we live in, and purgatory. What I may have not mentioned about purgatory is that there is no Satan in my belief. It is just a place that people who have done horribly wrong things in their lives are sent to face their own personal demons according to what that individual committed to be sent there for the rest of eternity. For example, if you were to murder someone. When you die, you would go to purgatory to be murdered day after day for all eternity. That would be your personal demon. I don't believe in Hell or that Lucifer rules over it, because in Revelations of the bible it talks about a lake of fire that evil souls will be thrown into where they will suffer for all eternity. It also says then that the "beast" will be thrown into the pit and locked there for one thousand years and then be set loose to once AGAIN walk the Earth. The bible also says that Lucifer was once an "angel" of God that cast was cast down to EARTH for trying to make themselves seem more powerful than God by claiming he could win more souls over than God could. He was never cast into what most people call hell. He was cast down to Earth. That is why we have so much pain and hardships that befall us here on Earth because Lucifer is part of our physical plane until he is thrown into the pit and locked up for one thousand years upon which he will be again walking the Earth to wage battle on the forces of good after which he and all his forces will also go into the pit of fire for all eternity. At least that is what I gather from what their bible says. He is not already in the pit of fire, he is here among us. Like the Mother of all Creation, he too can appear to us in any form he chooses.
My fourth belief is one I have never mentioned before. I believe in the power of nature. At least when it comes to healing the emotionally ill which I also believe most illnesses actually derive from. You may have noticed that whenever you feel the most depressed or have suffered a significant emotional trauma in your life, you have been the most easily attuned to getting sick from one thing or another. I know I have. Anyway, even so called sinus attacks most often occur when our emotions are not at our best because when we are depressed we loose energy that keeps us moving and enjoying our life. This lack of energy in turn allows for better chances of whatever attacks our sinuses to make them flare up more of an opportunity to do just that. Nature (and I'm not saying it is the absolute cure for everything) has a calming effect that soothes the emotions and takes away the stress because when anyone respects and shows nature love, nature in turn does likewise. Nature does not judge based on what a person appears on the outside to look like. Nature does not care what a person believes themselves to be on the inside. Nature does not care what things an individual may be into that other people would view as not natural, normal, or call that person sick for them being into it. Nature just totally and completely accepts each and every one of us as we are. It is when a person realizes this that nature's healing powers began to manifest themselves to that person. I know most people want to blame nature for their illness, but what they fail to realize is that without pollution that we ourselves have caused, nature would be as it was before our arrival. It is nature's fault that mankind has treated nature so wrongfully and hatefully to where it is now so polluted with car fumes, pesticides, factory smoke, hair spray fumes, and whatever else we as people have done.
We should not blame nature for our health problems we now suffer from.
My fifth and final belief is that we ourselves have free will to determine what our future holds in store for us. Of course, the bible does not deny that we were given free will. However, it once again contradicts itself when it says that before we are even born God has counted every hair on our head and knows what we are going to think about before we think about it, say before we say it, and do before we even do it because "He" has already predetermined our lives for us. This leads me to believe that we don't have free will, but rather we are forced to play a part in some destiny that God has already written for us. It also leads me to believe that not only are we just actors and actresses reciting from a script that God has written, but that those who believe in the "Butterfly Effect" (changing one thing in the past changes the future) would be lying. Let's say I had enough money to go out and buy me a mansion tomorrow. I know I don't, but this is just an example. According to the bible, it was already predestined for me to have that mansion, so even if time travel were possible, and I was to go back and change one event in my life that would cause me to not have the money I had to get that mansion, I will still come back to the present and have my mansion because it was already predestined that I would have one. Also, using my son. Again, if I was to time travel back and change me ever meeting my son's birth mother, Tiff, I would still have my son because it was predestined I would have him. For my last example, this time I will travel to the future to see I died in a car crash on July 17th, 2014. Now say I came back to the present knowing what is supposed to happen. I choose not to get in the car or any vehicle for that matter on that day. Being our lives are pre destined, you're telling me I would not be able to prevent my death even by not getting in any vehicle on that day? It doesn't make sense, does it? Unless you think it would happen like in Final Destination, free will allows us as individuals to write our own future based on the actions we choose in the present. There is no way our futures are already planned out.
Those are all my beliefs and why I believe in them. I know it is only few, but I just want to add in closing that there are other things I am open to the possibility of. I don't believe in ghosts, but I am open to the possibility they do exist. I don't believe in voodo0, hoodoo, or any spell casting of any sort, but I am open to the possibility spell casting can be done. I don't believe in aliens coming to Earth, but I am open to the possibility they exist on other planets. You see, no matter what differences we have in what we individually believe in, we need to always keep ourselves open to the possibility that the other person's belief may be fact and not pure fiction or even that they will not go to "Hell" for not believing what we as individuals believe. That's all I got for today. Take care and be safe always everyone.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
February 22- I'm Back
To all my readers, I do apologize for being M.I.A. for so long. A lot has gone done since I last wrote. I will start with Tiff, Austin's birth mother, coming to pick Austin up from me.
After a week of not hearing from her and being rushed off the phone every time I called, I began to worry. What worried me the most was when I heard that she was letting her future husband pretty much raise Austin instead of her including spanking him when he needed to be. I of course had objected to this and went to get him. I had to make sure I did it correctly, so I had an officer from her parish escort me there to make sure there was no domestic violence from her or me. I wound up getting him back after a long time of persuasion from my sister who had brought me and myself. Things were going alright, and I had thought Miss Cunningham was finally going to try and make up for her not being a mother to me by not standing up against me when George Bordelon, her ex-husband, had abused me. I also thought things were going to be better between Crystal Pitre, my daughter's mother, and me. I was wrong on both counts as you all will see as you keep reading.
Before I speak about Mrs. Cunningham, I need to first talk about my trying to compromise with Tiff on joint custody of our son. I tried first by inviting her to come to see Austin every other Saturday until Sunday evening until we could get something legal set up that would insure Austin would come back to me when her time with him was done and vice-a-versa. I did not include Theo because I felt that he was nothing to Austin legally, so there was no reason to include him. However, after some advice from Douglas William's, Tiff's legal father and a father in spirit to me, and Leonie Aucoin, my ex-uncle in-law, I finally decided to include Theo since he was involved with Tiff and therefore it was only right to do so based on what was explained to me. Then, Tiff had complained about her work not letting her off for those days, and that I should be flexible on when she could come. To this Mrs. Cunningham took up for her after reading the copies of emails I was sending her instead of just saving them for legal proof that I made attempts to compromise with Tiff as I originally had asked her too. Mrs. Cunningham told me when I had gone over to her home to see my daughter that Tiff did have a good point on the work thing despite the knowledge that Tiff always had some excuse to use to not see her son and that the work thing was just one that happened to make good sense to use. That's how I saw it anyway knowing Tiff's way of doing things having lived with her for almost two years whereas Mrs. Cunningham has never lived with her to know what I knew. This was just the beginning of Mrs. Cunningham's actions that proved she had not changed her ways of not standing up for me, but rather would stand up for her own worst enemy if only not have to stand up for me. I say this because I know Mrs. Cunningham loathes Tiff from her making excuses not to see her son when he was living with Crystal under Mrs. Cunningham's roof, and yet Mrs. Cunningham took up for Tiff instead of me and asked me to change my stand.
As I said, it was just the beginning. The next time was when I was working on a joint custody agreement that Tiff's grandma on Doug's side, Ellen Chickie Allemand a.k.a Maw-Maw Chickie, had once drawn up for Tiff and me. I had changed only a few things as far as the day Tiff's visitation would begin as well as adding some stipulations that would allow me to have the right as any father should to make sure his son was being left somewhere that was safe and sanitary as well as allowing Theo to use any discipline except for spanking on Austin. Tiff then complained that I should keep the holidays the same as they were, but I had never changed the holidays as they were originally written. However, because Tiff had once again picked an excuse that made good sense even though it was flawed because there was no mention of how it was never changed from how it always was and also no mention of how it wouldn't just be one person doing all the driving, but that both parent's were responsible for taking Austin to the other when it was the other parent's turn to have him, Mrs. Cunningham was quick to again take Tiff's side without getting all the correct info. This time she had sent me an email again telling me Tiff had a good point and that I should reconsider my stand. When I wrote her back telling her how it hurt me with her taking Tiff's side almost all the time and filling in that missing information, she responded by saying that she didn't know any of that before she said what she did. I politely responded that she should be sure to get all the facts before choosing sides, but I had no idea what the real reasons behind her doing just that were until I once again looked into my past and how she never did take my side on anything. She took George Bordelon's side when a police report of child abuse was made out complete with photos of bruises on my neck, arms, back, legs, and chest from his attack on me just the night before.She took my sister, Christine's, side whenever Christine would swear she had done the chores we were supposed to rotate every week doing even though it was me who had done them the week before. She took Tiff's side on everything, and she continues to take Crystal's side against me.
Now let's get to Crystal Pitre. I guess it is true you never know a person just by what they say online. I had fallen in love with her after meeting her online and all the good things she said about herself. It was so good that I was willing to look past our different interests and her being an indoor person whereas I was an outdoor person all because of the good things she said about herself which was true when I met her in person. There was just one thing I had wished I had know before getting involved with her. I wished I had know how much of a control freak she really was. Even before she was pregnant, she seemed like someone who just had to have control of everything. I was living with Doug, and she eventually moved in with us. He saw for himself and would confer with me his displeasure of how she was controlling me when it came to raising Austin and also not keeping up with her end of the bargain he had made with her for her to move in with us. She was supposed to watch Austin while I went to work, and keep the house clean. She would always complain about Doug's way of living and try to make him stop. Then, after we moved to her friend Katricia Autin a.k.a. Tish, she continued to control me with how I was to raise Austin. Then she found out she was pregnant. After a hurricane forced us to move into the house of a friend I was working with at the time, Ronnie Naquin, and his girlfriend at the time Tammy (now married to Ronnie), things got worse. She still controlled the raising of Austin, but then she began to control the way I spent my money, the job I just had to stay at even though I expressed my displeasure several times with how they were treating me and wanted to quit, she wouldn't even let me spend time with my friend Ronnie without bitching. The main thing, though, was when it came to naming our daughter after she had found out it was a girl. Before we had met, I had told her online that I had made a promise to my birth mother who had passed away in 2006 that my first baby girl should I have one would have Marie in her middle name in memory of my birth mother. When Crystal found out it was a girl, she said there would be no need to TRY and pick a name because she already knew what she wanted her name to be and that it would be Justice Faith. I told her again about my promise and suggested Faith Marie. Crystal said no, she wanted it to be Justice Faith because Justice was HER nickname in school and Faith was someone SHE knew. I said that she could have Justice Faith, but I wanted Marie as part of the middle name and suggested Justice Faith Marie, but she complained that it would be too long of a middle name and that she wanted Justice Faith. She ended by saying there would be no more discussion on that because Justice Faith was what it would be.
To make a long story short and cut to the chase, she controlled everything since we met and continues even until this day. My final straw was when she tried to control how I raised Justice when she had to go to work leaving me watching her since the girl was sick and could not go to daycare. Another thing Crystal had done from when Justice was just born was to run to her whenever she would scream. I advised her not to do that because Justice so used to that she would never be able to leave her sight without problems whenever Justice got older. My advice went ignored and Crystal now complains how she can't leave Justice's sight without Justice screaming. Of curse, she tries to blame me and my having to leave state due to unforeseen circumstances beyond my control by saying Justice only does that because she feels abandoned. How could she when Crystal was always running to her every time she would scream even after she had taken her from me when we broke up because of her controlling me too much and my having to back away to escape it. Back to what I want to talk about. Last week, I was over at Mrs. Cunningham's home because Justice was sick and Crystal had to go to work. I was going to stay from Monday night until Sunday evening since that weekend was going to be my weekend with my daughter anyway and it wouldn't have made since for Crystal to make too many trips back and forth. That Wednesday, Justice was not running fever or sick at all except for a very bad cough from screaming all night before because she couldn't see her mommy. Crystal refused to listen to my advice to send her to nursery since there seemed no reason for her to be kept home. Crystal then left to go to grab something for me to cook that night since she worked until 5 and wouldn't have time. Justice began screaming in her high chair the moment her mommy left. I then took a walk outside to show Justice screaming would not get her way with me. Crystal complained about this and Mrs. Cunningham took her side as usual.
I got so stressed that Theo and Tiff ( both of whom I am getting closer to once again) had to come get me and Austin out of there. I also let them take Austin with them to stay there. Now, I have decided to allow Tiff to be domicile parent instead of me because it would be more stable for him to live there due to my inability to handle too much stress and him possibly missing too much school with me whenever I got too stressed and had to give him to Tiff anyway. I actually think this way will work out much better for everyone.
To wrap this up, I sent an email to Mrs. Cunningham and Crystal trying to make peace with them and letting them know how I felt. No response as of yet, and I honestly don't think I will get one. I tried calling Crystal twice today. The first time I figured she may not have answered due to being busy with Justice, but the second time I left a voice message asking her to call me back. I have not heard back from her. I really think I know already that they have made their stand. It isn't with me, so I wash my hands of them both. I am sorry that my daughter will have to grow up without her father, but it was pretty much that way even with me there anyway. I'll let her know the truth when she grows up and seeks me out if she does. That's the end of my post for today. I'll be sure to write more as life goes on. As always, I want everyone to take care and be safe always.
After a week of not hearing from her and being rushed off the phone every time I called, I began to worry. What worried me the most was when I heard that she was letting her future husband pretty much raise Austin instead of her including spanking him when he needed to be. I of course had objected to this and went to get him. I had to make sure I did it correctly, so I had an officer from her parish escort me there to make sure there was no domestic violence from her or me. I wound up getting him back after a long time of persuasion from my sister who had brought me and myself. Things were going alright, and I had thought Miss Cunningham was finally going to try and make up for her not being a mother to me by not standing up against me when George Bordelon, her ex-husband, had abused me. I also thought things were going to be better between Crystal Pitre, my daughter's mother, and me. I was wrong on both counts as you all will see as you keep reading.
Before I speak about Mrs. Cunningham, I need to first talk about my trying to compromise with Tiff on joint custody of our son. I tried first by inviting her to come to see Austin every other Saturday until Sunday evening until we could get something legal set up that would insure Austin would come back to me when her time with him was done and vice-a-versa. I did not include Theo because I felt that he was nothing to Austin legally, so there was no reason to include him. However, after some advice from Douglas William's, Tiff's legal father and a father in spirit to me, and Leonie Aucoin, my ex-uncle in-law, I finally decided to include Theo since he was involved with Tiff and therefore it was only right to do so based on what was explained to me. Then, Tiff had complained about her work not letting her off for those days, and that I should be flexible on when she could come. To this Mrs. Cunningham took up for her after reading the copies of emails I was sending her instead of just saving them for legal proof that I made attempts to compromise with Tiff as I originally had asked her too. Mrs. Cunningham told me when I had gone over to her home to see my daughter that Tiff did have a good point on the work thing despite the knowledge that Tiff always had some excuse to use to not see her son and that the work thing was just one that happened to make good sense to use. That's how I saw it anyway knowing Tiff's way of doing things having lived with her for almost two years whereas Mrs. Cunningham has never lived with her to know what I knew. This was just the beginning of Mrs. Cunningham's actions that proved she had not changed her ways of not standing up for me, but rather would stand up for her own worst enemy if only not have to stand up for me. I say this because I know Mrs. Cunningham loathes Tiff from her making excuses not to see her son when he was living with Crystal under Mrs. Cunningham's roof, and yet Mrs. Cunningham took up for Tiff instead of me and asked me to change my stand.
As I said, it was just the beginning. The next time was when I was working on a joint custody agreement that Tiff's grandma on Doug's side, Ellen Chickie Allemand a.k.a Maw-Maw Chickie, had once drawn up for Tiff and me. I had changed only a few things as far as the day Tiff's visitation would begin as well as adding some stipulations that would allow me to have the right as any father should to make sure his son was being left somewhere that was safe and sanitary as well as allowing Theo to use any discipline except for spanking on Austin. Tiff then complained that I should keep the holidays the same as they were, but I had never changed the holidays as they were originally written. However, because Tiff had once again picked an excuse that made good sense even though it was flawed because there was no mention of how it was never changed from how it always was and also no mention of how it wouldn't just be one person doing all the driving, but that both parent's were responsible for taking Austin to the other when it was the other parent's turn to have him, Mrs. Cunningham was quick to again take Tiff's side without getting all the correct info. This time she had sent me an email again telling me Tiff had a good point and that I should reconsider my stand. When I wrote her back telling her how it hurt me with her taking Tiff's side almost all the time and filling in that missing information, she responded by saying that she didn't know any of that before she said what she did. I politely responded that she should be sure to get all the facts before choosing sides, but I had no idea what the real reasons behind her doing just that were until I once again looked into my past and how she never did take my side on anything. She took George Bordelon's side when a police report of child abuse was made out complete with photos of bruises on my neck, arms, back, legs, and chest from his attack on me just the night before.She took my sister, Christine's, side whenever Christine would swear she had done the chores we were supposed to rotate every week doing even though it was me who had done them the week before. She took Tiff's side on everything, and she continues to take Crystal's side against me.
Now let's get to Crystal Pitre. I guess it is true you never know a person just by what they say online. I had fallen in love with her after meeting her online and all the good things she said about herself. It was so good that I was willing to look past our different interests and her being an indoor person whereas I was an outdoor person all because of the good things she said about herself which was true when I met her in person. There was just one thing I had wished I had know before getting involved with her. I wished I had know how much of a control freak she really was. Even before she was pregnant, she seemed like someone who just had to have control of everything. I was living with Doug, and she eventually moved in with us. He saw for himself and would confer with me his displeasure of how she was controlling me when it came to raising Austin and also not keeping up with her end of the bargain he had made with her for her to move in with us. She was supposed to watch Austin while I went to work, and keep the house clean. She would always complain about Doug's way of living and try to make him stop. Then, after we moved to her friend Katricia Autin a.k.a. Tish, she continued to control me with how I was to raise Austin. Then she found out she was pregnant. After a hurricane forced us to move into the house of a friend I was working with at the time, Ronnie Naquin, and his girlfriend at the time Tammy (now married to Ronnie), things got worse. She still controlled the raising of Austin, but then she began to control the way I spent my money, the job I just had to stay at even though I expressed my displeasure several times with how they were treating me and wanted to quit, she wouldn't even let me spend time with my friend Ronnie without bitching. The main thing, though, was when it came to naming our daughter after she had found out it was a girl. Before we had met, I had told her online that I had made a promise to my birth mother who had passed away in 2006 that my first baby girl should I have one would have Marie in her middle name in memory of my birth mother. When Crystal found out it was a girl, she said there would be no need to TRY and pick a name because she already knew what she wanted her name to be and that it would be Justice Faith. I told her again about my promise and suggested Faith Marie. Crystal said no, she wanted it to be Justice Faith because Justice was HER nickname in school and Faith was someone SHE knew. I said that she could have Justice Faith, but I wanted Marie as part of the middle name and suggested Justice Faith Marie, but she complained that it would be too long of a middle name and that she wanted Justice Faith. She ended by saying there would be no more discussion on that because Justice Faith was what it would be.
To make a long story short and cut to the chase, she controlled everything since we met and continues even until this day. My final straw was when she tried to control how I raised Justice when she had to go to work leaving me watching her since the girl was sick and could not go to daycare. Another thing Crystal had done from when Justice was just born was to run to her whenever she would scream. I advised her not to do that because Justice so used to that she would never be able to leave her sight without problems whenever Justice got older. My advice went ignored and Crystal now complains how she can't leave Justice's sight without Justice screaming. Of curse, she tries to blame me and my having to leave state due to unforeseen circumstances beyond my control by saying Justice only does that because she feels abandoned. How could she when Crystal was always running to her every time she would scream even after she had taken her from me when we broke up because of her controlling me too much and my having to back away to escape it. Back to what I want to talk about. Last week, I was over at Mrs. Cunningham's home because Justice was sick and Crystal had to go to work. I was going to stay from Monday night until Sunday evening since that weekend was going to be my weekend with my daughter anyway and it wouldn't have made since for Crystal to make too many trips back and forth. That Wednesday, Justice was not running fever or sick at all except for a very bad cough from screaming all night before because she couldn't see her mommy. Crystal refused to listen to my advice to send her to nursery since there seemed no reason for her to be kept home. Crystal then left to go to grab something for me to cook that night since she worked until 5 and wouldn't have time. Justice began screaming in her high chair the moment her mommy left. I then took a walk outside to show Justice screaming would not get her way with me. Crystal complained about this and Mrs. Cunningham took her side as usual.
I got so stressed that Theo and Tiff ( both of whom I am getting closer to once again) had to come get me and Austin out of there. I also let them take Austin with them to stay there. Now, I have decided to allow Tiff to be domicile parent instead of me because it would be more stable for him to live there due to my inability to handle too much stress and him possibly missing too much school with me whenever I got too stressed and had to give him to Tiff anyway. I actually think this way will work out much better for everyone.
To wrap this up, I sent an email to Mrs. Cunningham and Crystal trying to make peace with them and letting them know how I felt. No response as of yet, and I honestly don't think I will get one. I tried calling Crystal twice today. The first time I figured she may not have answered due to being busy with Justice, but the second time I left a voice message asking her to call me back. I have not heard back from her. I really think I know already that they have made their stand. It isn't with me, so I wash my hands of them both. I am sorry that my daughter will have to grow up without her father, but it was pretty much that way even with me there anyway. I'll let her know the truth when she grows up and seeks me out if she does. That's the end of my post for today. I'll be sure to write more as life goes on. As always, I want everyone to take care and be safe always.
Friday, December 31, 2010
December 31- Somebody Save Me
"Somebody save me. Let your warm hands break right through. Somebody save me. I don't care how you do it, just stay. I've been waiting for you. Stay." the words to the Smallville theme song ring in my ears right now as I feel as though my heart has been ripped from out of my chest. I do wish somebody were here to save me. Still who can protect me when the person I need to be protected from is myself? Who would care enough to do that? I don't know anymore.
I'm glad Tiff has stepped up to be the mother I knew all along she could be and has her son back with her to start her new year off right, but I can't help but feel like I have lost everything as the silence becomes deafening without him here with me. I look to his bed, and finding it empty, I fight back tears that want so badly to be released, but I cannot. It would feel like I am showing weakness, and I have to be strong because through weakness comes pain and agony. I can't take any more pain and suffering.
I've never had a chance to be weak even as a child. Every time I thought it was safe to show at least a little weakness, someone used that to hurt me whether physically, emotionally, or mentally, but never spiritually. Now, I feel as though even my spirit has been crushed. I had to harden myself at a young age, and it would take a miracle to reverse the damage. I know in order for any healing to begin, I must first allow myself to be weak, but who can I trust to protect me from harm? Who is strong enough to break me down to erase the mental programming that says I have to be strong and protect myself? Who can help me to achieve the point I know I must get to for healing to begin? Not even our creator has had luck in doing that. Our creator has thrown every obstacle in my way to try and get me to show weakness and to rely on him or her (however you see our creator), but it has only furthered my hardness. If our very own creator cannot, who can? Maybe our creator has not succeeded because I have not allowed him or her to. I'm too afraid to be hurt again and do not know who to trust to allow myself to be weak to anymore. I don't know who will not take advantage of my weakness in order to cause me more pain and suffering.
I know my son is not gone from me forever, but it will take time to adjust to him not being here right now. Still, I wish him, Tiff, Theo, their families, and my family here online the very best New Year. Wherever the road may lead for all of you, may you find peace, love, joy, and good will at the end. Take care and be safe always everyone. Forgive me if you don't hear from me in a long time as I will most likely be attempting to adjust the best way I know how.
I'm glad Tiff has stepped up to be the mother I knew all along she could be and has her son back with her to start her new year off right, but I can't help but feel like I have lost everything as the silence becomes deafening without him here with me. I look to his bed, and finding it empty, I fight back tears that want so badly to be released, but I cannot. It would feel like I am showing weakness, and I have to be strong because through weakness comes pain and agony. I can't take any more pain and suffering.
I've never had a chance to be weak even as a child. Every time I thought it was safe to show at least a little weakness, someone used that to hurt me whether physically, emotionally, or mentally, but never spiritually. Now, I feel as though even my spirit has been crushed. I had to harden myself at a young age, and it would take a miracle to reverse the damage. I know in order for any healing to begin, I must first allow myself to be weak, but who can I trust to protect me from harm? Who is strong enough to break me down to erase the mental programming that says I have to be strong and protect myself? Who can help me to achieve the point I know I must get to for healing to begin? Not even our creator has had luck in doing that. Our creator has thrown every obstacle in my way to try and get me to show weakness and to rely on him or her (however you see our creator), but it has only furthered my hardness. If our very own creator cannot, who can? Maybe our creator has not succeeded because I have not allowed him or her to. I'm too afraid to be hurt again and do not know who to trust to allow myself to be weak to anymore. I don't know who will not take advantage of my weakness in order to cause me more pain and suffering.
I know my son is not gone from me forever, but it will take time to adjust to him not being here right now. Still, I wish him, Tiff, Theo, their families, and my family here online the very best New Year. Wherever the road may lead for all of you, may you find peace, love, joy, and good will at the end. Take care and be safe always everyone. Forgive me if you don't hear from me in a long time as I will most likely be attempting to adjust the best way I know how.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
December 26- More Questions Than Answers
Today is the day after Christmas. I sure hope all my readers had a good Christmas. For those that didn't, I feel for you. I myself had a rather disappointing one. I had no actual family to celebrate it with. Leonie and his son where pretty much gone all Christmas Eve leaving my son, my dad, and me by ourselves. Then yesterday it rained almost all morning long making it rather dreary. The only thing that sort of good happened was a call from my sister, Christine Bordelon. She and I talked, and I told her about things I felt inside and made plans for her to come over today. I thought with her visit I could clear some things up, but this was not the case.
We first let my son open up his gifts that he got from her, Cheryl and Eric Cunningham, Ian Bordelon, Crystal Pitre, and Eric's family. I also got some candy, cheese, a sausage log, and some kind of mint candy from Eric's family. I got some cash, gingerbread, and fudge from Cheryl, Eric, and Ian as well as a card.
After gifts, I felt it was time to start getting things off my chest. I didn't know whether to start off with how I felt about people who refused to accept what I was, to talk about why I was refusing to let my son go to Cheryl's house to see his half-sister, Justice Faith Bordelon, try to clear the air and get at least what truth Christine knew about what was being said with Tiff and Crystal, tell her how I felt about things going down here, or to come right out with the big guns of why no one ever stood up for me with all the hell I went through growing up. I figured it was best not to bring the big guns to go straight to the heart of the problem of why I was hurting so much right away. That way, I could wear her down. I started with trying to clear the air and get some truth. According to her, Tiff was indeed invited to Austin's 2nd year birthday party. That was all she really knew, so then we moved to why I refused to let my son go to Cheryl's house. She, of course denied that there was any plot to take my son, but I don't know. Actions do speak louder than words, and my son's actions told me something way different than what they wish to admit. No answers there. At least talking about the things going on here, she agreed it isn't right for Leonie to be doing this to me and need to get out as soon as possible. It still didn't help when we began discussing how I could make that happen. When her about how the government gets people who rely on them to pretty much be stuck relying on them, she got some information of her own she was amazed to discover. Didn't help me accept for her agreeing that there is no way that the cost of living could not have gone up. She said, "The whole government is all about one big conspiracy if you ask me." I have to agree with her due to what I have seen of our government over the years. As for people accepting what I was, she first said she was worried about Austin being made to see the things I do, but I told her I never do it around him. I also told her that I do want him to learn how to accept people for any differences they may have. She then told me she accepts me but does not accept talking about what I am because she does not agree with it. To me that is like saying she does not accept me because she does accept what I am. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.
Then came the big guns. I didn't know how to approach the subject, but I worked up the courage and finally just came out with it and asked her why she nor Cheryl never stood up for me when George was abusing me. I told her about all the times he abused me that I mentioned in one of my introduction posts. One time she didn't know about was the incident when he asked me to smack Cheryl in the head and what happened when I did finally do as he asked. She remembered the incident where I was punished for being a liar which I had not lied in the first place, but she said I was not whipped for a whole month, and I told her I indeed was. I also told her how for that month I had to kneel down whenever I got home from school, do my homework on my knees, eat supper on my knees, and prepare to get the belt when George would come home from work. I then told her about what my cousin, Joan, had told me about being made to kneel down during the whole time in front of everyone at someone's birthday party. She remembered that time as well, but still didn't know whose party it was.
It was then, she had her chance to speak. What she said took me by surprise and put more questions on my mind than I really needed since it was an event that I seriously do not remember ever happening. Supposedly there was another time when George had tackled me down after I supposedly threatened him with a knife. She said that I was doing something with a knife in the kitchen and George said something that pissed me off. I then stood there, according to her, with the knife in my hand as though contemplating whether to stab him or not. She ended by saying that George got me in a choke hold, held my arm behind my back, and tackled me to the ground after my supposedly refusing to drop the knife. Cheryl was supposedly screaming at George to get off of me while Ian, being a baby, was supposedly screaming his head off scared because he had no clue what was going on. Now, it could be possible this did happen even though I do not remember it at all because there was another time in my life when I actually can not remember for the life of me what happened. The one time was for almost a whole year. It was 2001 after my birthday until April of 2002. Of course, this was one month before I ended up chasing Joshua Blanchard down with the sword and wound up with my knee shot by a cop and in jail. What happened in those months during the period I cannot remember? Did what Christine tell me actually happen? Will I ever get the truth out in the open about Crystal and Tiffany? Will Leonie ever stop treating me like he is? Will life ever stop making me feel like I am just one big joke to our creator and actually cut me some slack by putting a little luck on my side? So many questions with no answers. On that note I end this with a poem I just wrote.
So many questions without answers;
so much I do not know.
Why was this little girl inside
never allowed to grow?
What makes the sun rise and set?
Why do the seasons change?
There are so many things that I
find just a bit too strange.
Why do some days race on
while others drag by so slow?
How come happiness feels but a memory
of a distant time past so very long ago?
Peace is lost and joy is gone;
nothing left but a hollow shell.
It pains my heart to feel that I
have lost the love I once knew so well.
We first let my son open up his gifts that he got from her, Cheryl and Eric Cunningham, Ian Bordelon, Crystal Pitre, and Eric's family. I also got some candy, cheese, a sausage log, and some kind of mint candy from Eric's family. I got some cash, gingerbread, and fudge from Cheryl, Eric, and Ian as well as a card.
After gifts, I felt it was time to start getting things off my chest. I didn't know whether to start off with how I felt about people who refused to accept what I was, to talk about why I was refusing to let my son go to Cheryl's house to see his half-sister, Justice Faith Bordelon, try to clear the air and get at least what truth Christine knew about what was being said with Tiff and Crystal, tell her how I felt about things going down here, or to come right out with the big guns of why no one ever stood up for me with all the hell I went through growing up. I figured it was best not to bring the big guns to go straight to the heart of the problem of why I was hurting so much right away. That way, I could wear her down. I started with trying to clear the air and get some truth. According to her, Tiff was indeed invited to Austin's 2nd year birthday party. That was all she really knew, so then we moved to why I refused to let my son go to Cheryl's house. She, of course denied that there was any plot to take my son, but I don't know. Actions do speak louder than words, and my son's actions told me something way different than what they wish to admit. No answers there. At least talking about the things going on here, she agreed it isn't right for Leonie to be doing this to me and need to get out as soon as possible. It still didn't help when we began discussing how I could make that happen. When her about how the government gets people who rely on them to pretty much be stuck relying on them, she got some information of her own she was amazed to discover. Didn't help me accept for her agreeing that there is no way that the cost of living could not have gone up. She said, "The whole government is all about one big conspiracy if you ask me." I have to agree with her due to what I have seen of our government over the years. As for people accepting what I was, she first said she was worried about Austin being made to see the things I do, but I told her I never do it around him. I also told her that I do want him to learn how to accept people for any differences they may have. She then told me she accepts me but does not accept talking about what I am because she does not agree with it. To me that is like saying she does not accept me because she does accept what I am. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.
Then came the big guns. I didn't know how to approach the subject, but I worked up the courage and finally just came out with it and asked her why she nor Cheryl never stood up for me when George was abusing me. I told her about all the times he abused me that I mentioned in one of my introduction posts. One time she didn't know about was the incident when he asked me to smack Cheryl in the head and what happened when I did finally do as he asked. She remembered the incident where I was punished for being a liar which I had not lied in the first place, but she said I was not whipped for a whole month, and I told her I indeed was. I also told her how for that month I had to kneel down whenever I got home from school, do my homework on my knees, eat supper on my knees, and prepare to get the belt when George would come home from work. I then told her about what my cousin, Joan, had told me about being made to kneel down during the whole time in front of everyone at someone's birthday party. She remembered that time as well, but still didn't know whose party it was.
It was then, she had her chance to speak. What she said took me by surprise and put more questions on my mind than I really needed since it was an event that I seriously do not remember ever happening. Supposedly there was another time when George had tackled me down after I supposedly threatened him with a knife. She said that I was doing something with a knife in the kitchen and George said something that pissed me off. I then stood there, according to her, with the knife in my hand as though contemplating whether to stab him or not. She ended by saying that George got me in a choke hold, held my arm behind my back, and tackled me to the ground after my supposedly refusing to drop the knife. Cheryl was supposedly screaming at George to get off of me while Ian, being a baby, was supposedly screaming his head off scared because he had no clue what was going on. Now, it could be possible this did happen even though I do not remember it at all because there was another time in my life when I actually can not remember for the life of me what happened. The one time was for almost a whole year. It was 2001 after my birthday until April of 2002. Of course, this was one month before I ended up chasing Joshua Blanchard down with the sword and wound up with my knee shot by a cop and in jail. What happened in those months during the period I cannot remember? Did what Christine tell me actually happen? Will I ever get the truth out in the open about Crystal and Tiffany? Will Leonie ever stop treating me like he is? Will life ever stop making me feel like I am just one big joke to our creator and actually cut me some slack by putting a little luck on my side? So many questions with no answers. On that note I end this with a poem I just wrote.
Lost Love
So many questions without answers;
so much I do not know.
Why was this little girl inside
never allowed to grow?
What makes the sun rise and set?
Why do the seasons change?
There are so many things that I
find just a bit too strange.
Why do some days race on
while others drag by so slow?
How come happiness feels but a memory
of a distant time past so very long ago?
Peace is lost and joy is gone;
nothing left but a hollow shell.
It pains my heart to feel that I
have lost the love I once knew so well.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
December 22- I've Reached Critical Point and Ready to Explode
One thing I have to say about myself is that I have a very hot temper. In the past, it didn't take much to reach critical point. I had no time to defuse the anger before I would unleash a fury similar to that of an atom bomb going off. I couldn't see any warning signs that told me to hurry up, get to myself, and shut out the entire world so as not to hurt anyone.
Luckily, over the years I have learned how to watch for the warning signs and my temper has not been as quick, but I do still have that same temper when it does finally reach critical. I can hold a lot more back, and when I feel myself ready to explode, I get to myself the best I can. Sometimes I cannot get to myself and bad things happen to me and those around me.
Tonight, I am at the critical point once again. I felt the signs, so I went for a bike ride after getting my dad to watch Austin for me. I thought maybe the ride would cool me down, but it was not enough. Now, as my dad continues to watch Austin, I have holed up in my room with strict orders to my dad to keep an eye on Austin so that he does not end up getting hurt should I get set off by anything and do something I will not be able to control and will regret.
Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I'm not mad at Austin or my dad. Also, it's not that I WANT to do anything to Austin or my dad or anyone for that matter. I ask them to stay away so that I DON'T wind up hurting them. If anyone must really know what caused me to reach critical mass, then go back a few posts to where all the mess started with Crystal Pitre, Cheryl Cunningham, Dorthy "Dee" Klass, and Leonie Aucoin. Every little thing I had to battle through angered me a little more each time. I have been hit left and right since the end of last month and each time I swallowed and bottled my anger up causing layers of rage and fury to be piled one on top of the other. With each new layer my atom bomb was being fueled to critical mass and closer to going off. Tonight, the final blow came when I asked Leonie to take me to Bayou Towers (also know as the High Rise) which is like an apartment complex for the elderly and disabled tomorrow, and he at first said no. I have been trying to apply for a room there so that I can get out once again on my own and leave the stress behind. I first was thinking I would need an actual birth certificate and was going to borrow money from my best friend, David Braden, whom I look to as a brother, but Leonie told me to wait until next week so that we'd go get it. This is always his way of putting off things he really doesn't want to do. Anyway, I called to find out if my birth card would suffice, and they told me it would, so I told Leonie that I had everything I needed and asked if we could go tomorrow. He, of course, immediately said no and that he had a doctor's appointment to go to tomorrow and could not bring me. He then took off to bring his son to town. When he returned, I was already in my room. He came in and told me he would bring me and not to be mad at him. I tried to figure out what changed his mind when he then said he had to bring one of his family members somewhere tomorrow. That asshole was once again going to push me aside for his family until I believe my dad told him how pissed I was. It never fails, he can cancel his appointments for his family, but for something that will help ME, I get cast aside!
I don't know what was said between him and my dad, but I believe he told my dad he was canceling his appointment for his family, and then my dad told him that I would be more pissed than what I was for him doing that, so he came tell me he would bring me. I am a little relieved that he did change his mind, but if the only reason he did was to save his own ass from another tongue lashing or even worse from me, then I am indeed even that more pissed off. I don't give a rat's ass that he said he will bring me. I'm pissed because he was going to use his doctor's appointment to put it off at first, and now even more so because he almost got away with putting me aside for his family yet again had it not been for my dad speaking up on my behalf.
I have to get out of here. The sooner the better because I am seriously so tired of this shit. I am to the point where I am ready to die, but so afraid of death I couldn't bring myself to riding that bike in front of a vehicle and letting it hit me. I thought about it very seriously, but couldn't do it. I have indeed reached critical point and anything right now can cause me to explode.
Luckily, over the years I have learned how to watch for the warning signs and my temper has not been as quick, but I do still have that same temper when it does finally reach critical. I can hold a lot more back, and when I feel myself ready to explode, I get to myself the best I can. Sometimes I cannot get to myself and bad things happen to me and those around me.
Tonight, I am at the critical point once again. I felt the signs, so I went for a bike ride after getting my dad to watch Austin for me. I thought maybe the ride would cool me down, but it was not enough. Now, as my dad continues to watch Austin, I have holed up in my room with strict orders to my dad to keep an eye on Austin so that he does not end up getting hurt should I get set off by anything and do something I will not be able to control and will regret.
Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I'm not mad at Austin or my dad. Also, it's not that I WANT to do anything to Austin or my dad or anyone for that matter. I ask them to stay away so that I DON'T wind up hurting them. If anyone must really know what caused me to reach critical mass, then go back a few posts to where all the mess started with Crystal Pitre, Cheryl Cunningham, Dorthy "Dee" Klass, and Leonie Aucoin. Every little thing I had to battle through angered me a little more each time. I have been hit left and right since the end of last month and each time I swallowed and bottled my anger up causing layers of rage and fury to be piled one on top of the other. With each new layer my atom bomb was being fueled to critical mass and closer to going off. Tonight, the final blow came when I asked Leonie to take me to Bayou Towers (also know as the High Rise) which is like an apartment complex for the elderly and disabled tomorrow, and he at first said no. I have been trying to apply for a room there so that I can get out once again on my own and leave the stress behind. I first was thinking I would need an actual birth certificate and was going to borrow money from my best friend, David Braden, whom I look to as a brother, but Leonie told me to wait until next week so that we'd go get it. This is always his way of putting off things he really doesn't want to do. Anyway, I called to find out if my birth card would suffice, and they told me it would, so I told Leonie that I had everything I needed and asked if we could go tomorrow. He, of course, immediately said no and that he had a doctor's appointment to go to tomorrow and could not bring me. He then took off to bring his son to town. When he returned, I was already in my room. He came in and told me he would bring me and not to be mad at him. I tried to figure out what changed his mind when he then said he had to bring one of his family members somewhere tomorrow. That asshole was once again going to push me aside for his family until I believe my dad told him how pissed I was. It never fails, he can cancel his appointments for his family, but for something that will help ME, I get cast aside!
I don't know what was said between him and my dad, but I believe he told my dad he was canceling his appointment for his family, and then my dad told him that I would be more pissed than what I was for him doing that, so he came tell me he would bring me. I am a little relieved that he did change his mind, but if the only reason he did was to save his own ass from another tongue lashing or even worse from me, then I am indeed even that more pissed off. I don't give a rat's ass that he said he will bring me. I'm pissed because he was going to use his doctor's appointment to put it off at first, and now even more so because he almost got away with putting me aside for his family yet again had it not been for my dad speaking up on my behalf.
I have to get out of here. The sooner the better because I am seriously so tired of this shit. I am to the point where I am ready to die, but so afraid of death I couldn't bring myself to riding that bike in front of a vehicle and letting it hit me. I thought about it very seriously, but couldn't do it. I have indeed reached critical point and anything right now can cause me to explode.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
December 21- Perfect Example of Society's Closed-Mindedness
Okay so I got this picture after viewing a trailer for the new movie "Devil" and clicking to see the website The Devil's Meeting. To me, this just goes to show everyone how society has not become even one step closer to having an open mind about anything at all. Notice the word "Homo" is the first on the list and also how near the bottom left "Effeminate Men" is also listed as types of people who "love the devil". According to Wikipedia, "The term effeminate is most often used by people who subscribe to the conventional view that males should conform to traditional masculine traits and behaviors." That in itself says a lot about society and their closed-mindedness when it comes to gay men and male to female transsexuals such as myself.
Let me first address the words "Homo" and "Effeminate Men" and their connection with types of people who supposedly "love the devil". I believe (and I think I have talked about this before in another blog entry from an earlier date) that we are all born with certain attractions. Some to the opposite gender, some to the same, and some to both. Sigmund Freud believed that we were all born bisexual giving us the ability to get along with both genders, but that society shaped and formed us to where we began to either lean more toward one or the other or remained in between. Some of us chose opposite gender, some the same, and some remained bisexual. Either way you look at it, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender is something we are born with and do not just become that way "all of a sudden". How can we be connected with someone who loves the devil and be condemned for how we are born even if we love, forgive, and do everything else we are told is right minus the attraction part? If this was the case, then someone born this way wouldn't care to do right at all because it wouldn't mean squat even if they did.
Next, I want to bring light once more on an old post I made about Interpreting the Bible. There are so many ways the bible can be interpreted, and it is always in the way that would make others believe what the person interpreting it believes. The bible was not written by God as everyone tries to claim it was. Heck, there was no way of writing way back in the time of Jesus or even when these prophets supposedly wrote it guided by the "hand of God." Even if there was, it was never in English, so someone had to re-write it to translate it into English or any other language that others may speak and read so that they too can be able to understand it. The bible that we have today I will compare to a rumor. A rumor is started when one person says something about someone to someone else and then it gets passed along to others. As it gets passed, things get added or taken away to best suit the person telling it. So it was with the bible. The actual words were spoken and passed down from one generation to the next with things being added and things being taken away as it passed down the line in an effort to get others to believe in whatever the teller believed in until it got written by man later. Then, even after it being written, it has and still is being re-written time and time again to suit the author of the book. No one alive today truly knows what was actually said in the beginning, so to judge someone based on what is written now is foolish.
I believe that we are who and what we are and nothing can change that. We have the right to our own reality. What is my reality, may not be your own. Therefore, what I see as normal based on my reality may not be normal to you based on your own. In my reality, there is a most high power that presents itself to me to be female. There are also lesser high powers that some call angels and some call gods and goddesses. I just call them lesser high powers that are higher than us but still low enough to where they must report to the most high power. Also in my reality, I am a bisexual female that is a true infantilist (not to be confused with the adult baby and can be read about in this website.) with a touch of the diaper lover fetish. There is no one that can judge me based on my own reality and neither should anyone else allow anyone to judge them based on what their reality is. Live strong. Live proud. Live Free. Most of all live in YOUR reality and let others do the same. To those who are, stop condemning us and throwing us in with the true devil worshipers just because our reality is not your own.
Take care and be safe everyone. Remember to always keep an open mind about everything.
Kayden Renee Phoenix (F.K.A. John Wesley Bordelon)
Sunday, December 19, 2010
December 19- Stealing is Still Stealing By Any Other Name
I have had just about enough of what is going on where I live. The hospital incident was going to be the final straw, but I figured I would give one more chance to Leonie Aucoin, the man whom I have lived with for several months now. I have been putting up with him putting my son and I on the side when it comes to his actual family for far too long. I have been dealing with him playing favorites when it came to his son over me and his grandson over my son for way over my limit of allowing someone to do this. Now, I am sick of him stealing from me. I say he is stealing from me because when I allowed him to hold on to my food stamp card, I made it very clear it would be to purchase food for the house and everyone living in it. It would have been okay if he had only bought anything for me extra that I asked for, like drinks, but I did not expect him to be buying drinks for himself off of my food stamps nor did I count on him buying for his family and then keeping the money they gave him to reimburse him for what he bought with MY stamps. Stealing is stealing no matter how you look at it, and using my stamps and not giving me the money his family gives him for the food he purchases on my stamps is STEALING!!!! He's stealing my money that the government gives me to supply my son's food and my food.
I tell you, I really hope that something or someone comes through for me soon to help me out of this god-awful place before I seriously do die from all the stress. Sorry this post is so short, but I'm so angry and do not wish to say anything more that may get a little bit steamy.
I tell you, I really hope that something or someone comes through for me soon to help me out of this god-awful place before I seriously do die from all the stress. Sorry this post is so short, but I'm so angry and do not wish to say anything more that may get a little bit steamy.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
December 18- Heart Troubles
Day before yesterday, I had started having this pain in my chest. It wouldn't go away except for when I stood up or sat up, but it would worsen when laying flat on my back or when taking deep breaths. I first thought it was just gas and it would go away when I went to bed that night, but woke up to find it even worse than the day before. I went to the hospital where they did all kinds of tests to see if I was having any trouble with my heart that would be causing the pain. The EKG came out fine as well as my blood work and my X-ray, so my ribs and heart were okay. The doctor finally came to the conclusion that I had pericarditis, which is the inflammation and swelling of the covering of the heart. The condition can occur in the days or weeks following a heart attack or can also be caused by influenza or any other virus that attacked my respiratory system.
Thing is, I never was sick with any virus prior to my chest pain. I also do not have HIV, which is another rare cause of pericarditis. Of course, I don't recall having had a heart attack either, so after finding out that my condition could have been caused by a heat attack, I did some research on heart attacks and discovered there are three types of attacks a person can suffer from. There is the mild heart attack, severe heart attack, and also a silent heart attack. The differences between mild and severe is very clear to where with a mild one people with them feel little pain to the point where they may not recognize it as a heart attack and with a severe one they feel lots of pain and one would know they are having one. With a silent heart attack, there is no pain or any other symptoms making it hard to tell a person they are having one at all. These I figure can be either mild or severe but would still go unnoticed. "Most heart attacks are caused by a blood clot that blocks one of the coronary arteries. In atherosclerosis, plaque builds up in the walls of your coronary arteries. Occasionally, sudden, significant emotional or physical stress, including an illness, can trigger a heart attack."- excerpts from an article on heart attacks from Medicine Plus
Also from the same site above I discovered that the symptoms of pericarditis after a heart attack are anxiety, chest pain that "May come and go (recur), be sharp and stabbing (pleuritic) or tight and crushing (ischemic), get worse when breathing and may go away when you stand or sit up or move to the neck, shoulder, back, or abdomen", difficulty breathing (shortness of breath), fast heart rate, dry cough, fatigue, fever (more common with second type of pericarditis), general ill feeling, and splinting of ribs (bending over or holding the chest) when breathing. Out of these I was feeling anxiety, chest pain as mentioned above in my first paragraph, difficulty breathing, and fatigue. I'm not sure what it means by bending over or holding the chest because the pain would cause me to do just that, so it could be splinting of the ribs I had as well. This of course lead me to believe that it had to be I had a silent heart attack from all the emotional stress I have indeed been under all this time.
I guess the bottom line is that at least I got the medicine for the pericarditis, so my inflammation will at least be cared for. I just wish they could have been able to tell whether or not I had had a heart attack so that I could get some help to prevent another one, but I don't think heart attacks that occurred several days before and not occurring at the time of testing can be found out. I just have to watch my stress levels and not get overly upset even though getting left at the hospital last night by my ex uncle in-law who once again put me on the side for his family is extremely upsetting since I always have to change my plans whenever he has to run to his family and also since I had cared enough about him when he went into the hospital to go stay the night with him. I am so tired of him doing this to me. I need to move out as quick as possible, but don't where I could go at this time. Hopefully, it won't be long before I can get out on my own and be done with all this.
Thing is, I never was sick with any virus prior to my chest pain. I also do not have HIV, which is another rare cause of pericarditis. Of course, I don't recall having had a heart attack either, so after finding out that my condition could have been caused by a heat attack, I did some research on heart attacks and discovered there are three types of attacks a person can suffer from. There is the mild heart attack, severe heart attack, and also a silent heart attack. The differences between mild and severe is very clear to where with a mild one people with them feel little pain to the point where they may not recognize it as a heart attack and with a severe one they feel lots of pain and one would know they are having one. With a silent heart attack, there is no pain or any other symptoms making it hard to tell a person they are having one at all. These I figure can be either mild or severe but would still go unnoticed. "Most heart attacks are caused by a blood clot that blocks one of the coronary arteries. In atherosclerosis, plaque builds up in the walls of your coronary arteries. Occasionally, sudden, significant emotional or physical stress, including an illness, can trigger a heart attack."- excerpts from an article on heart attacks from Medicine Plus
Also from the same site above I discovered that the symptoms of pericarditis after a heart attack are anxiety, chest pain that "May come and go (recur), be sharp and stabbing (pleuritic) or tight and crushing (ischemic), get worse when breathing and may go away when you stand or sit up or move to the neck, shoulder, back, or abdomen", difficulty breathing (shortness of breath), fast heart rate, dry cough, fatigue, fever (more common with second type of pericarditis), general ill feeling, and splinting of ribs (bending over or holding the chest) when breathing. Out of these I was feeling anxiety, chest pain as mentioned above in my first paragraph, difficulty breathing, and fatigue. I'm not sure what it means by bending over or holding the chest because the pain would cause me to do just that, so it could be splinting of the ribs I had as well. This of course lead me to believe that it had to be I had a silent heart attack from all the emotional stress I have indeed been under all this time.
I guess the bottom line is that at least I got the medicine for the pericarditis, so my inflammation will at least be cared for. I just wish they could have been able to tell whether or not I had had a heart attack so that I could get some help to prevent another one, but I don't think heart attacks that occurred several days before and not occurring at the time of testing can be found out. I just have to watch my stress levels and not get overly upset even though getting left at the hospital last night by my ex uncle in-law who once again put me on the side for his family is extremely upsetting since I always have to change my plans whenever he has to run to his family and also since I had cared enough about him when he went into the hospital to go stay the night with him. I am so tired of him doing this to me. I need to move out as quick as possible, but don't where I could go at this time. Hopefully, it won't be long before I can get out on my own and be done with all this.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
December 12- Time For Some Honesty Of My Own
I am always trying to get people to be honest with me. I have faced many trials and tribulations with people who have lied to me. I know the pain that comes with finding the truth eventually.
The thing is, as much I hate a liar, I now have come to realize that I am no better than everyone else who has lied to me. The reason I say this is because I have not been honest with myself and with the whole adult baby community. I started by telling the other adult babies that I started the life because I just loved being a baby even as an adult. Then, I got to telling them that I wanted to re-live my babyhood so that I could find the parental love I missed out on during my first time around. This was only a half-truth, but even half-truths are lies. This is going to be hard for me to do, and after knowing I lied, no one may believe this as truth either. This is usually how it is when someone has lied to someone else for so long. No one knows anymore what the real truth is. I do need to get this out, however. It's up to my readers to believe me now, but I am tired of lying. I want to stop being so hypocritical by preaching to others something I myself have not been doing. This is the actual truth.
About the same time I recognized the feelings of being a girl and not a boy, I also began to notice there were times that I found myself thinking and acting like a child. The age was never the same but always younger than what I actually was. I had trouble getting along with children my own age due to some unexplained discomfort when with them. I did find myself more comfortable with children younger than me. It was with them that whatever age they were, I found myself thinking and acting like that age. My mind automatically regressed and I at that time was in fact their age even though only mentally.
You can almost understand my fears when I first recognized this right along with the feelings of being a girl in a boy's body. Just trying to get someone to understand that I was a girl in a boy's body in those days was enough to get you locked up in the mental ward and popped with pills that would make you a zombie. There was no way I was going to tell anyone about these moments of uncontrollable regression. Instead, I just tried to find a way to cure myself without anyone knowing. I was doing quite well until the people who had adopted me had a baby of their own.
I had been watching a commercial of a baby being cared for by a daddy. I woke up not knowing I had fallen asleep and I had a baby bottle full of milk in my hands and one of my brothers diapers being held up by my underwear I was wearing over it. I instantly fell in love with the feel of the diaper, but the bottle thing had scared me. I kept that incident to myself but began sneaking diapers from my brother's room after everyone was asleep to wear in my underwear at night. When I started working at Wal-Mart when I was 17, I was first introduced to adult diapers and began to sneak some home with me each pay day. I got caught several times by Cheryl and was told not to do it again. George of course used my wearing diapers as an excuse to punish me like a child in the corner in front of anyone that would come to the house. He never went as far as making me wear them in public, but just the humiliation of being 17 and standing in the corner was embarrassing enough.
All this time, I was still having issues with uncontrollable regression and not knowing how to stop it. It wasn't until I was 19 when I found Diaper Pail Friends and learned about the adult baby and diaper lover fetish. I read up on it and came with an idea that maybe if I got myself in with them, they could teach me a way to lock it away forever by showing me first how to keep it under control. Becoming an adult baby to me was a tool to use to finally suppress that tendency to regress. It was not intended to allow it to come out but more as a way to learn to keep it in once and for all. That is where the lies began. I lied to get inside the world that I thought would be my cure. Then, I had to keep lying to stay on the inside. I grew to learn how to control it more and more. To this day, I can keep it in a lot more. I still have not learned how to keep it inside when interacting with children. The only way I do that now is to just stand back and be a watcher and not one to play along. It's so hard though because even watching them I can feel the child mentality of my mind just wanting to break free and go play.
With all that said, I know what I have to do. I will never be able to fully control the regression. It will always be there. I know how it got there, and so do those who have been reading my blog here. There's three things I need to happen in my life for me to be complete. One: I need to become the girl I am inside. Two: As much as it pains me, I have to stop suppressing the child mentality in order to let it grow. Three: I need a soulmate who has an understanding of my problems, will always accept and love me for all my flaws, and take care of me when I am most vulnerable when I do allow myself to fully regress.
There's the truth everyone. I am not an adult baby. I am a diaper lover, bisexual, and a male to female transgender, but I only want a cure for the regression and not to live a life with regression. I'm sorry I have lied all these years. I can't keep lying to myself and everyone especially if I don't want others lying to me.
The thing is, as much I hate a liar, I now have come to realize that I am no better than everyone else who has lied to me. The reason I say this is because I have not been honest with myself and with the whole adult baby community. I started by telling the other adult babies that I started the life because I just loved being a baby even as an adult. Then, I got to telling them that I wanted to re-live my babyhood so that I could find the parental love I missed out on during my first time around. This was only a half-truth, but even half-truths are lies. This is going to be hard for me to do, and after knowing I lied, no one may believe this as truth either. This is usually how it is when someone has lied to someone else for so long. No one knows anymore what the real truth is. I do need to get this out, however. It's up to my readers to believe me now, but I am tired of lying. I want to stop being so hypocritical by preaching to others something I myself have not been doing. This is the actual truth.
About the same time I recognized the feelings of being a girl and not a boy, I also began to notice there were times that I found myself thinking and acting like a child. The age was never the same but always younger than what I actually was. I had trouble getting along with children my own age due to some unexplained discomfort when with them. I did find myself more comfortable with children younger than me. It was with them that whatever age they were, I found myself thinking and acting like that age. My mind automatically regressed and I at that time was in fact their age even though only mentally.
You can almost understand my fears when I first recognized this right along with the feelings of being a girl in a boy's body. Just trying to get someone to understand that I was a girl in a boy's body in those days was enough to get you locked up in the mental ward and popped with pills that would make you a zombie. There was no way I was going to tell anyone about these moments of uncontrollable regression. Instead, I just tried to find a way to cure myself without anyone knowing. I was doing quite well until the people who had adopted me had a baby of their own.
I had been watching a commercial of a baby being cared for by a daddy. I woke up not knowing I had fallen asleep and I had a baby bottle full of milk in my hands and one of my brothers diapers being held up by my underwear I was wearing over it. I instantly fell in love with the feel of the diaper, but the bottle thing had scared me. I kept that incident to myself but began sneaking diapers from my brother's room after everyone was asleep to wear in my underwear at night. When I started working at Wal-Mart when I was 17, I was first introduced to adult diapers and began to sneak some home with me each pay day. I got caught several times by Cheryl and was told not to do it again. George of course used my wearing diapers as an excuse to punish me like a child in the corner in front of anyone that would come to the house. He never went as far as making me wear them in public, but just the humiliation of being 17 and standing in the corner was embarrassing enough.
All this time, I was still having issues with uncontrollable regression and not knowing how to stop it. It wasn't until I was 19 when I found Diaper Pail Friends and learned about the adult baby and diaper lover fetish. I read up on it and came with an idea that maybe if I got myself in with them, they could teach me a way to lock it away forever by showing me first how to keep it under control. Becoming an adult baby to me was a tool to use to finally suppress that tendency to regress. It was not intended to allow it to come out but more as a way to learn to keep it in once and for all. That is where the lies began. I lied to get inside the world that I thought would be my cure. Then, I had to keep lying to stay on the inside. I grew to learn how to control it more and more. To this day, I can keep it in a lot more. I still have not learned how to keep it inside when interacting with children. The only way I do that now is to just stand back and be a watcher and not one to play along. It's so hard though because even watching them I can feel the child mentality of my mind just wanting to break free and go play.
With all that said, I know what I have to do. I will never be able to fully control the regression. It will always be there. I know how it got there, and so do those who have been reading my blog here. There's three things I need to happen in my life for me to be complete. One: I need to become the girl I am inside. Two: As much as it pains me, I have to stop suppressing the child mentality in order to let it grow. Three: I need a soulmate who has an understanding of my problems, will always accept and love me for all my flaws, and take care of me when I am most vulnerable when I do allow myself to fully regress.
There's the truth everyone. I am not an adult baby. I am a diaper lover, bisexual, and a male to female transgender, but I only want a cure for the regression and not to live a life with regression. I'm sorry I have lied all these years. I can't keep lying to myself and everyone especially if I don't want others lying to me.
Friday, December 10, 2010
December 10- Angels Among Us
A lot of people talk about angels in heaven, but today I want to acknowledge the angels that are here on Earth among us. I know a few of them. I may not know them in person, but through conversations with them and comments they leave on my blog, I feel as though I know them personally. The top two angels I speak of are Wanda of Wanda's Wings and her daughter, Alice (my Second Life Mommy Mistress whom I love like a real life sister). The others are Maryanna_AK (my Utherverse owner and Mama whom I have developed strong feelings for), Shelly_AK (my Utherverse sister), SissyJerry Lemon and Jordan from Second Life, and Sheryl Cotten (my real sister by blood).
When everyone else turned their back on me, these angels gave me love, lots of support, and words of encouragement. I wish there was a better way to honor these angels that I have in my life because I think without them along with my son who is an angel all his own, I would not be strong enough to continue living. I admit the light of my golden heart has dimmed profoundly from me having to build a wall around it to protect it from getting crushed even worse than it has been all my life. Still, these angels and their golden hearts add light to my own and together we concur the darkness of the evil around us. Thank you all for being a part of my life. No matter what happens from now until my leaving this world, I will never forget any of you. Much love from me to all of you this holiday season. It sure would be nice to one day get to have all of you together with me as one big family beyond the cyber world that I met all of you in. Because I know you all, I believe in angels that are among us.
When everyone else turned their back on me, these angels gave me love, lots of support, and words of encouragement. I wish there was a better way to honor these angels that I have in my life because I think without them along with my son who is an angel all his own, I would not be strong enough to continue living. I admit the light of my golden heart has dimmed profoundly from me having to build a wall around it to protect it from getting crushed even worse than it has been all my life. Still, these angels and their golden hearts add light to my own and together we concur the darkness of the evil around us. Thank you all for being a part of my life. No matter what happens from now until my leaving this world, I will never forget any of you. Much love from me to all of you this holiday season. It sure would be nice to one day get to have all of you together with me as one big family beyond the cyber world that I met all of you in. Because I know you all, I believe in angels that are among us.
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