May 29th- Sunday Again

Here we are at Sunday again. As promised, I have yet another anti-bible study for my readers. Today, I will focus more on the contradictions of what the bible says about homosexuality and also about the ideas of more than one god and goddesses as well as why we cannot simply use masculine pronouns when speaking of our great creator.
Many people against homosexuality use what I already talked about in my last Sunday post, and still more use the scripture of Sodom and Gomorah. Looking through my bible that I was given (the one I used last Sunday), I see nothing about homosexuality and what the people of these two cities actually did wrong. In the older bibles they talk about homosexuality, fornication, idol worship, and human sacrifices. In fact, in Genesis 18:20-21 it reads only, "And the Lord said, 'Because the outcry against Sodom and Gomorah is so great, and because their sin is very grave. I will go down now and see whether the have done altogether according to the outcry against it that has come to Me, and if not, I will know.' " I then went into the concordance in the back to see if there was any mention of the word homosexuality in this bible. No surprise to me finding there was none. As you can see, this scripture does not even go into detail as to why the two cities were destroyed in this newer version of the bible. The only reason priests back in the day had to include that word in older bibles was indeed because of their own disapproval of homosexuality in order to get people to follow them and also disapprove of it. This is why I say, the bible is nothing but a book that is written and interpreted the way the person doing so wishes people to hear in order to manipulate those people into believing their belief. They had to take all that other stuff out due to the rising of the GLBT community so as not to insight a riot.
Next topic concerns our great creator and how in every bible, people refer to this creator as He, Him, and His. However, looking through my bible to find the scripture once presented a long time back about God's face is so bright, brighter than the sun, that to look upon it would mean instant death. Surprisingly, I could not find this scripture, nor did my ex-uncle in-law ever remember hearing this very scripture before. Yet, I know for certain it was once written if not now. I shall look more deeper for it and attempt to speak of it again in the future. I can, however, speak of the facts pointing to more than the one God people try to say is the only God.
In my last post I spoke of the part in Genesis, but now to go even deeper in the ten commandments. Exodus 20:1-3 says, "And God spoke all these words saying, 'I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me." It does not say You shall have no other gods other than Me. No! It says before Me. Our creator here is indeed acknowledging the facts of more than one god or goddess but wishes that we not worship them above our creator. There is the highest of the high, our creator, but there are also lesser gods and goddesses under this creator.
Until I find that scripture about God's face, I will have to just say that the bible is indeed a lie created by the hands of men who only wished to control everyone else by writing the bible in the first place and then adding and taking away as suited to their own belief they wanted to brainwash everyone into believing as well. To me, I wonder if the Wiccans are more correct in their belief of no deity at all but rather maybe it is the very power of the four elements of nature that rule over us. Maybe there is no God or Devil except for those which we ourselves create by what we do to others as well as the reasons why we do them. I say that is also included because people can do good things for others, but it is their motives behind why they are doing those good things that determine what they will get in return. Someone who does good for selfish reasons may not get what they are seeking if the good deed does not come from the heart but only for such things as expecting something back in return or even to not have to face something within themselves. Wicca creed states, "An it harm none, so mote it be." This means we are free to do as we wish as long as it does not harm others or ourselves. They also say that whatever you cast unto others returns to us ten fold. If we cast evil, evil shall come to us, but if we cast good from our heart and not for personal gain of any type, we shall receive nothing but good. My sister, Christine Bordelon, once told me that if you wish to attract positive, you must first think positive, act positive, and do positive things. This is similar to what the Wiccans believe.
I shall leave you now with all this to think about. Take care and be safe always.

May 24th- New Blog Up For Mule Account

Hello again to all my readers. Today, I don't have anything to really post about. At least, not on this blog. I have created a secondary blog on my mule account, sissyfireheartthrall@gmail.com. This blog is: Phoenix's Flight For Freedom and will be used for any post I may have that is speaking out against injustice toward everyone whether it comes from the government or from so-called family and friends. I wanted to keep this one here opened for just random thoughts and other things like my Sunday teachings I started this past Sunday. Anyway, feel free to check out my other blog and maybe follow that one as well. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 22nd- Something To Ponder

Being today is what many believe to be the sabbath day, I have a treat for all my readers. I want to talk about different religious beliefs in a way I may not have spoken of before to give all of you something to think about. I know I have already spoken of the different religions in previous blogs and also what I believe, but now I want to look in depth into why I feel the book people call the bible is nothing but lies and contradictions. First off, just this day being nominated as the sabbath is a falsehood made by mankind itself. Our calenders were made showing Sunday being the first day and the seventh being Saturday. How is it then that Sunday is the sabbath day? In some parts of the world Sunday is the last day on the calender and the week shows Monday as the first day. No one truly knows which day is the sabbath because there was no such thing as days or time when the world was first created, so it would be difficult to determine on what day our great creator rested.
Let's for today discuss the creation of mankind as written in the book of Genesis. I will be using passages coming from a bible copyrighted in 1994 by Thomas Nelson in the book of Genesis with what I knew older versions to say in parenthesis.
Genesis 1:26-27 "Then God said, 'Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.' So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. (in older versions the part of male and female was omitted leaving only He created them.)" First thing brought to question is why I put the words "us" and "our" in italics. I did this to emphasize one huge question in that some believe in the holy trinity while others believe God is the father, the son, and the holy spirit. For those who believe in God being all those, who then was God referring to when He said Us and Our? Those who believe in the holy trinity would of course use this to support their belief that there was indeed a holy trinity and it is the other two to whom He was speaking to.
Genesis 2: 2 "And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which God had created." Notice it does not say exactly what day was the seventh day, so why does mankind continue to place a day to this event? I guess it is because they feel the need to have a day set just as they feel the need to have time at all. It is to make things easier for them so that they do not just go running around with absolutely no idea what time it is or what day it is. Without time and day, people would not be able to know exactly where to be when they are supposed to be. For this reason mankind created time and day as well the years.
Genesis 2:7 "And the Lord formed man from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being." Hold the phone! I thought God had already created mankind. Why then does the bible contradict itself by saying it was not until after He had rested that man was first created? I have the answer. In older versions, it does not speak of Adam being the first man that was created. However, in Genesis 2:21-23 "And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord had taken from man He made into a woman (in older version it just says He created Eve), and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: 'This is now bone of my bone And flesh of my flesh; She then shall be called woman Because she was taken out of Man. (in older versions it adds "Thus the first woman was formed from the rib of man and given life." or something along those lines. It is hard to remember exactly what was written, but I do know there was indication that Eve was the very first woman created.) I'm sure by now you can see the differences and also things to think about for today. Men were indeed created first and Adam was NOT the first man, but Eve was indeed the first woman. The book had to be re-written, however, when the whole gay and lesbian affairs sprung up in order to justify every religion that speaks against such acts. "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," is one common quote spoken by those against gays and lesbians. Not according to what I have read in older versions of the bible. Man was indeed created first and it was only men at first until Eve came to be.
I believe I will save more for next Sunday since there are so many other things I can point out as contradictions and to list them all would make this entry too long. Next Sunday, I will continue this by discussing contradictions between saying He and Him when talking about God and the truth that shows just how it is sexist to women as well as more on the whole gay phobia that man has used the book to justify themselves for. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 20th- Hero Complex?

I have once again been doing a little soul searching to try and figure myself out. This time, I have been evaluating my compulsion to help anyone in need so much that in the end my own needs get overlooked. I thought back to all the times I would go without just because someone else needed help and also the times when I would beat myself up when I could not help without having the means to do so. One thought had come to me a few days ago. Maybe I have a hero complex if there is such a thing. Yesterday, I tried to explain it to myself the only way I knew how. Maybe I have this hero complex because rather than face the truth of me being the one who truly needs help, I want to mask this by exerting all my focus on helping others instead. This lead me to just now looking up hero complex on the web to see if there truly was such a thing. I got this from Wikibin.org:

Hero Complex

The Hero Complex is a compulsion to help others and make the world right. Although not officially considered a disorder or disease, there is an increasing number of people who 'suffer' from it. Many fictitious heroes and main characters seem to have this as well, but note that there is a difference between helping others out of choice and feeling compelled to. It may also be associated with Zoological Altruism- Instinctive cooperative behavior that is detrimental to the individual but contributes to the survival of close relatives, thus making it more likely to be passed on.

Traits
Those who have a "Hero Complex" tend to feel that the current life they live is insufficient. For most, the need will ebb and flow. There will be days where they will ask questions like why they have had the role thrust upon them, if what they're doing is really going to make a difference, and sometimes even why they care in the first place.

Many believe that they could do more if they had the means to, whether it is in terms of money, power, or something else held in prestige. Most wait quietly believing that someday they will find these means, although some go out to "find" them on their own. They also often ask the question 'is this really enough?' or 'am I doing the right thing?' Usually such questions have a demoralizing effect, but many who have the Hero Complex will be motivated to find these answers. They are very loyal and dependable, and when given a challenge will almost always find a way to complete it...if they see it as a useful challenge. These traits make them great leaders and friends, for their extensive thought process makes them great at giving advice and opinions in addition to lending their abilities and talents when they can. However, the universal respect societies have for such people leads many to ignore the negative implications. Their high standards might not only carry the risk of overextending themselves and causing depression and withdrawal, they might lead the individual to become destructive (see "Villain-Complex" below).

In fulfilling these desires, they will take on a more benevolent behavior, and 'unlock' the true meanings of themselves. This is the true need of those who have a Hero Complex.

The person suffering from true Hero Complex will have hallucinations of saving the people they care about most. They have day dreams that include saving friends/family from fires, drowning, etc. They can also get a feeling inside of them like their stomach dropped ten feet. This usually occurs when they view someone in pain. Whether its a movie, video game, or real life, their Hero Complex can be triggered by someone elses misfortune. Crying is a big weakness for those with Hero Complex. Even if the person in need is an enemy, a Hero Complex will try to help. As stated above, this is not just having a "big heart" it is a compulsion to help others. If they don't they feel horrid and think they aren't good people.

Causes
While not everyone who has been disappointed at some point in their lives will develop a hero complex, almost everyone with one has been in some way or another. One cause may be trying to atone for a sense of worthlessness. This sense may be caused by underlying stress from the inability to complete certain everyday tasks. Alternatively, because of the lack of modern-day heroes, the sufferer may be trying to compensate for a loss of 'icons' in modern societies, and they look inward instead of outward for their own gratification. They may feel guilt for not helping others in the past, or they may have felt pain at a previous point in their lives and are motivated by fear of seeing that pain inflicted on others.

Coping
Although there is no "treatment", many look for ways to find release from their troubled worlds instead of having to confront it. Often, a release can be found in video games, because of their allowance for one to enact heroic roles, or in personifications of heroes (i.e. Movies and comics or role-playing). The effects are not permanent, but can lead to an addiction to false realities. Perhaps the best thing for "victims" to do is accept there are some things we cannot change and others just need time. At other times, the best thing to do is to try to make a change, as long as the goal is within reach.

Villain Complex
A few of those who have the Hero Complex may begin to turn towards the 'dark side'. This can happen to those who either have an objective so narrow (acquiring power, defeating a nemesis) that they lose sight of everything else, or those who become so powerful they begin to use might alone to set things right. The need to help becomes the want to hurt. They often lose sight of those they are trying to help, who they might even come to despise as weak and deserving of punishment. They become intolerable of weakness and anything that deviates from their vision of a perfect world, and before long, they become the oppressors when all they wanted was to set things right. Some, like Anakin Skywalker, do not even realize they are hurting those they were trying to help and do not see the negative impact they are having.

If left in this thinking too long, they may become unrecoverable.


Though many of these listed traits actually do fit me, there's also something not included in this. In fact, my cousin, Craig Aucoin, said it best yesterday when I made a comment that I don't like spending too much money. He said, "On yourself, you don't, but you sure love spending it on others." I had to stop in my tracks because I wanted to argue with him, but dang it, he was so very correct in saying that. I would more likely spend money on what others want or need, than when it would come to something I wanted or needed. With others, it doesn't matter how much it costs. They wouldn't even have to exert a desperate need for it. All someone would have to do is say they wish they had something and immediately I feel compelled to do whatever I could to get it for them and feel so bad about it when I couldn't.
Notice this also has a bit about the reverse of the hero complex, the Villain Complex. The part in the Villain Complex that states that soon "the need to help becomes the want to hurt" is rather vague. Does this mean the want to hurt others or the want to be hurt? I don't ever want to hurt others, but I almost do feel the want to be hurt. I do have this programmed theory that everyone ends up hurting me in the end one way or another due to my having been hurt so many times by people I thought I could trust, and maybe I feel so strongly about this programmed response that I actually do tend to set myself up to be hurt just to prove the theory right. Still, I cannot see how this fits the whole Hero Complex or even a Villain one. A villain to me is someone who gets off on hurting others because they are better, stronger, faster, or smarter than the ones they hurt and are out to prove this by any means necessary. They strive to be on top even if it means using deceiving, lying, manipulating, or cruel means to do just this. That, I know for damn sure is NOT me! Sure, I do sometimes wish the ones I help would help me in return and get totally discouraged when they don't even to the point I would get angry at them for not doing so. Still, I do know that there are some I help that can't help but want to and also those who can but won't. Either way, I couldn't see myself forcing anyone to help me or trying to be on top by any means necessary. I am very content with being on the bottom because I know that I'm the one holding everyone up. We can't all be at the top because someone has to be at the bottom, right? Is this line of thinking part of the Hero Complex? You tell me so we will both know. Maybe it is time to "turn in my cape" and start helping myself for a change, but that is easier said than done. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 19th- Ain't No Rest For The Wicked

First, I would like to apologize for not updating in a while. Internet was down due to not being paid until this past Monday. Then, I was spending most of my time getting free games and music so that when (not if) the internet goes out again, I'll have things to occupy my time until it comes back. I say when because I know it will go out again since Charter is such a piece of crap it goes out every week it seems. Honestly, I am getting fed up with that. I don't like the idea of paying for something I can't use more than I can. Of course, the internet here is under my ex-uncle in-law, Leonie Aucoin's, name and he doesn't care much for the internet enough to do anything about it or switch providers, so there is not much I can do except to just go along with what he chooses. He even told me he is thinking about just dropping the internet and phone next month, so I may be having to go without for good. He says he may keep it, but he really does not want to since it is costing him too much money.
This brings me to the topic of my discussion today. We're supposed to be living in a "free" country. We're supposed to have certain "freedoms". Notice I said "supposed to" in each of those statements. I have come to learn in my 30 years of life, freedom is not free and nothing in this world is free. Freedom of speech only goes as far as what the government allows you to say. If you go against what they want you to say, you're labeled as a terrorist and stripped of your freedom of speech right. Freedom of religion only goes so far as agreeing with the government's religion. An example of this was the one man who hosted a Koran bible burning. Our government refused to step in, but let someone host a King James bible book burning, and I bet 10 to 1 the government will not allow that to happen. Why? Because the government believes in the King James bible and to against their belief would land you as a terrorist. Free? What is free? Nothing in this world is 100% free. Offers you see online claiming to be 100% free ask you to accept so many offers from sponsors before you get the 100% free from them. Catch is, all the offers require payment. The TV shows ads for "free" online games such as Star Wars and Jump Start. You go to play them and they are free........... to a certain extent. Once you reach a certain level or complete so many games, you have to pay to keep playing. Beware the word "free". Nothing is just given to you without some catch that requires you to poke out cash from your pocket.
I leave you all now with the words from Cage the Elephant, "There ain't no rest for the wicked." Crime is at an all time high just because people are having to resort to crime just to make it in this damn country and maybe the whole world for that matter. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 12th- What is Love?

Many times I have questioned this, and yet I still do not know. I know what I feel, but to say that I know what love actually is would be a lie. There's been many I have felt strong emotions toward. Some, it was for. Others, it was against.
I grew up being taught that love was honesty, trust, loyalty, care, respect, sacrifice, understanding, acceptance, honor, and protection. Honesty builds trust, but without trust it is hard to tell if one or the other is truly being honest. Loyalty can also be referred to as faithfulness in which you both are faithful to one another and only to one another do you cling to without going behind one another to secretly be with someone else. Care, to me, is when you care about your partner and your partner cares enough about you that you both are always seeking the safety and happiness of the other and do anything within each your own power to see that the other gets just that. Respect is knowing the limits of your partner and trying to remain inside those limits and same for your partner. It can also be letting your partner be and do what they want to be or do without trying to force them to be or do otherwise as your partner does for you. Sacrifice is when both of you will do anything to be with each other even if it means going somewhere or doing something that you or they may not care to go or do or even feel safe going or doing. It is putting yourself on the side for your partner just to be sure they are safe and happy and vice a versa. It is also a way to show care. Understanding is when despite the differences of your partner, you understand their feelings and interests and try to share in those feeling and interests without trying to make that person feel or be interested in something else. This goes hand and hand with acceptance because to show understanding, you must accept your partner for those differences and look past them to find the similarities that bring you two together instead. Honor is still a mystery to me as much as the word love is. Protection is when you would put yourself on the line to have your partner be safe from all types of harm that may come to them, and they do the same for you.
It's so funny how I know what all those words mean except for honor, but yet I still search for the true meaning of love. In all my relationships, I was the one who stood firm to each and every one of those things, but in the end love seemed to be just a word my partner had thrown out to me just to get what they wanted from me. Some, it was money. Others, it was sex. Still others, it was for the thrill of having so much power over me they felt they could control me way beyond my limits. I now feel very strong emotions for someone I met a year ago (and she knows who she is), and I sit here wondering if this will finally be the one who will teach me the true meaning of love. I feel in my heart she will, but yet my mind is afraid I may again be wrong. I want so badly to follow my heart and take a leap of faith, but when my heart has failed me so many times before due to the softness and ease with which it attaches itself to just anyone who ever claimed they loved me, that actually showed interest in what I had to say, and anyone who said all the right words I needed to hear, it is easy to see why I hesitate. Even so, I will not stop taking those chances because I never know when that leap will land me right where I need to be.
What is love? I leave all my readers now with that question. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 7th- Deep Thought Leads To Search For More Insight

I have been thinking real hard on something that has bothered me for some time now. That something being that I really don't know what I am like as a female. I know I am a female despite my male body, but having adapted certain personality traits of maleness just to hide the truth from others to keep myself safe from rejection or getting hurt from closed-minded individuals who only wish to destroy what they don't understand, I now wonder as I begin to peel these traits away so that I can finally be the female I know myself to be just what is my female personality.
I once thought myself to be more of a Gothic type girl because of my love for skulls, dragons, the colors red and black, flames and things a Goth would naturally love. Now, I wonder just how much of that is my girl self and how much is just the male personality I adapted to. Honestly, I never even truly liked the color pink or purple for that matter, but as I grow closer to my female self, I find I really am drawn to those colors and am beginning to see myself wearing lots of pink and purple clothing. It's almost as if I am drawn to those colors now more than I used to. I did put pink as a favorite color, but I always put it last being it was not my most favorite until now.
I also thought I was a type of girl who was not what some would call a "girly-girl", yet looking at the photos from Sissy Kiss where "girly-girl" reigns supreme, I am finding my heart yearning to be just like those in the pictures. I do know for a certain fact I am very emotional, tender-hearted, gentle, hate fighting, and would rather allow myself to be hurt than hurt anyone else. These traits are indeed more known to be for girls than for guys. Of course, that is just a general census of how society sees as the differences between girls and boys. Some girls are indeed more like guys, but I am still so confused that I begin to wonder whether I am more like a guy or more girly than I wanted to admit.
Maybe once I am able to reveal the female I am, I will finally be able to discover my true personality. Already, I find male things I was once interested in are no longer appealing to me. Wrestling, for one, used to be something I just had to watch every time it was on, but now I have gotten so uninterested in it that even watching it only on Mondays is beginning to make me wonder why I even bother.
I guess my real question is have I adapted so well to being a male even though I'm not that I have been able to fool everyone including myself? I just hope the answers come before I do become a female in both soul and body. Take care everyone and be safe always. Above all else, to thine ownself be true.

May 5th- A Funny Poem Revised

I figured I would take a break from the serious posting I normally do and share with all my readers a funny poem that I revised from something silly my birth father once told me. I guess if I had to pick a title, it would be The Craziest Thing. Anyway, hope you all enjoy it.

The Craziest Night

There is this story I feel I must tell.
It happened long ago, but I remember it well.
'Twas a dry and stormy night when two dead brothers rose up to fight.
They turned to face each other; one back to another,
drew their swords, and shot each other.
Not that story there is sad but true.
If you don't believe me, here's what you do.
Go ask the blind man across the hall.
He'll tell you; he saw it all.

They say laughter is the best medicine for whatever emotional illness we may have. If that's the case, I hope I have helped all of you to feel maybe just a slight bit better. Take care and be safe always everyone. Never forget to take time out to laugh.

May 4th- Dreams Do Come True

Ever since I accepted my sometimes uncontrollable regressions, I dreamed of someday finding the perfect mommy and/or daddy that would be true, understanding, accepting, loving, loyal, caring, protective, kind, and everything a baby would expect in them to be towards me. As the years flew by with no such luck, I began to fear I would never achieve that dream. Even almost a year ago when I met my mommy on Second Life, I had doubts whether my dream would become a reality. Now, after a year of really getting to know my mommy, I have to say that dreams really do come true. Not only do I finally have a mommy that is everything I dreamed of, I also have a daddy in her hopefully soon to be husband. Both of them are everything I mentioned above and so much more.
My only regret is that they live so far away, but I know that one day we all will be a family together in real life. That day will truly begin the bright future I see ahead of us. Don't ask me how I know it will be because all I can tell you is that I just know. I feel it deep inside despite the doubts I also feel due only to the failures I have had in my past. The past is the past, and to dwell upon it would be to hold myself hostage from being able to move forward and enjoying the mommy and daddy I now have.
The bad news I have to report, however, is that mommy's computer suffered a power surge and got damaged. I know she has posted a blog on it already, but now I would like to extend this message to all my readers as well in hopes maybe someone out there can lend a hand in helping mommy, daddy, and me to be able to get her computer fixed so we can keep in contact until the day comes when we will be together. I thank all of you ahead of time that can and do help and as always take care and be safe always everyone.