October 4th- Election Time Again? :(

  Hello again to all my readers. It's that time again. Election time that is. The time I really hate the most. Why do I hate it? Let me explain.
    I don't vote, and normally do not care about who becomes president since the president truly is a scapegoat for the whole of Congress's mistakes. I am tired of Republicans blaming Democrats and vice versa when the whole damn political system is rotten to the core. Those who vote, do us all a favor and just sit it out. Let Congress choose the president their own damn self since they do anyway. Do you all know that each vote gives Congress the power to vote in whomever they choose? It's called the Electoral College. They take your votes and vote whichever way they want how ever many times per vote. The whole country could vote for Obama, but if they want Romney, Romney will win and the other way around. We have no more voice like before, the College has taken that away. I know I will get some who deny it, but I know what I was taught in Economics Class. My teacher told me the government would not want us to know that, but he was going to teach us the truth. Blinded by lies we are, cold so cold. Down with our current government!!!!!!!!!! We are no longer free as the government tries to make us out to be. We are their slaves and I'll probably get branded a terrorist, but the truth must be told. We have no freedom of speech. We cannot speak ill of the government or tell the truth before the Men In Black come to clean up and brainwash everyone yet again. Down with our government who is no longer for the people or by the people!!!!!
  To make matters worse, we now have a candidate who is against gay marriages. I am against any president who will be against gay marriages. Not only that, he wants to give all our jobs away to foreigners. I will not support anyone who will be against the GLBT community and is changing America into less of what it is supposed to be. Bad enough we have Mexicans crossing the border illegally and getting benefits we American born have to fight for, and nearly work for all our lives, but now we have a candidate who wants the Chinese to come and steal our jobs away from us as well. Yes, I am talking about Romney. As I said, I would normally care less about who wins, but if people think Obama nearly started a civil war, Romney will definitely start one with the GLBT community, and I will be right there with them fighting against the man more than I already do. I will fight against any un-American American who is openly against gays, lesbians, bis, and transgenders and also wants to give all our jobs away to the Chinese. I will say this now, if he wins, I will leave this country and then have all the GLBT start a war with him. Oh yes, there will be blood. If you seriously want a war, then go ahead and let him win. That no-good, closed-minded, foreigner lover, rich bitch better not win. I will not stand for him being president. Take care and be safe always. Be sure to not vote.
   

September 21: Another Step Towards Change And The Hardships In The Way

   Hello to all my readers once again. I have once again taken another step toward a change in my life. After my Mama, Lauralee, had a serious heart to heart with me about how bad my health has been getting due to my smoking habits last night, I have decided it is time to try and quit once more. Many times I have tried before to quit, and failed, now I am scared I will not succeed this time either. I know it's bad for me, and can eventually kill me, and it isn't that I don't care, but every time I get so stressed, I feel I have to smoke. 
   How can I make it easier to quit when my life is full of triggers causing me to want to smoke everywhere I turn? People yelling at one another constantly, cable/internet companies giving me the run-around when it comes to trying to get our internet connection to work properly, internet mysteriously working when the techs are here and then just as quickly not working once they leave,  being bored almost all the time, and just wanting to smoke out of force of habit are just a few of my triggers. How can I combat these or any other triggers that come my way without using a cigarette as a tool to do it when I have pretty much programmed myself to use one? 
   In other news, my sister, Sheryl, is getting a hands on experience of what it is like to raise a real baby by having to take care of me like she would have to take care of it. The reason for this is because she is so set on wanting to have her own baby without being truly ready to have one. I say this due to her lack of being able to take care of her responsibilities she has now let alone the ones she will have if she ever does have a child. So far, I have only shown her bits and pieces of a two year old perspective, but I am hoping to have some diapers soon to where I can go even further back and show her what a newborn would be like. Anyway, that's all for now. Take care and be safe always everyone.
   
  

  

September 19- How do you explain me?

  Hello again readers. Today something very interesting occurred to me. Many times I have gotten the question, "Are you male or female?", and I honestly get stumped trying to answer. How can I explain just what I am to those who can only see what is on the outside? In a way, I want to say I am female, but my body is not female. I can't say male because to myself I'd be lying since I know myself to be female.
   I try to tell people that I am female in a male body, but then they go and tell everyone I am male. Why does the body have to determine gender? Why can't people just accept the fact that I call myself female because that is what I know and feel myself to be? Then, the question hits me, what do I call myself? I can't say male or female, nor can I say I am both. If I put female, people call me a liar. If I put male, I am lying to myself. I can't say both because I don't have both parts to make me both. Either way, I seem to be stuck somewhere in the middle. 
   I wish we lived in a world where we all were whatever gender we said we were. Who cares if our body has parts only a male or female should have. Gender should not be determined by the body because it is not the body that makes us who we are. I have said this many times before, but I will say it again, you can create an artificial body, but you cannot create a soul. With no soul, the body is not truly alive. You can make artificial tissues, organs, and blood, but what good is it if there is no soul? 
   The soul is and always should be what determines gender. People need to wake up and hear this. Look to a person's soul and how they feel. If they say they are female, address them as such no matter what they appear to be on the outside. Don't ever judge someone by their outer appearance. If someone says they are female or male, chances are they have a female or male soul no matter what body they may have.
   The one thing that ruins it for all of us is those who claim to be a gender they are not only to get with someone who otherwise may not want anything to do with them. I hate these kinds of people because then it makes it twice as hard for us who really do have the soul we say we have to ever be taken seriously. The other kinds of people I hate is those who lie about their gender only to exploit those like me and try to make us the liar while failing to mention how they themselves are lying. Where is honesty? Where is truth? Seems these days honesty and truth are just words with no meaning except to a slight few who actually uphold honesty and truth. I will not lie about myself. I am what I say I am, but what do I say I am? I am female no matter what anyone else will think. Take care and be safe always everyone.
  

September 18- I'm Back!!! What I Have Done So Far.

 Hello once again to all my readers,
    I'm back!!!!! After a very long hiatus, I have returned to begin posting what's new in the life of a woman trapped within the body of a man. When I last left you all, I had posted a warning about Gamesville.com, but I think it's time for some real posting to begin. I don't want to bore people with just random stuff anymore without giving them more of what this blog is supposed to be about. I started this blog to speak about my progress of bringing out the female from within to finally be seen on the outside for what I know I truly am. With that said, let me go now into today's topic. I want to talk about where I am in my transitional process, but first a little bit more from my past. Some of this post may be repeat of what I have already said in posts before, but I need to say it again for those who may just now be tuning in.
    Being born in a male body, when adopted, my parents treated and dressed me as such. When I began to be more feminine, they couldn't understand. Then, when I told my mom one day at 12 years old that I felt more like a female, I was told that God made me a male, and that trying to change myself to be anything but was sinful. I suppressed my feelings not wanting to go against God and never spoke of it again.
    Several years passed, I once again began to explore the feelings I had back when I was 12 and at the age of 30, I tried once again to talk to my mom about how I felt. This time, she blamed the internet for how I was feeling and that I should stop believing the things I read online. She still would not understand that I truly did feel like a female. 
    What was worse was what happened just last year when I somehow found myself involved in a religious cult that tried to tell me it was a demon inside me making me feel like a female. I wanted so badly to be in God's good graces that I was starting to allow them to brainwash me until I began to see them for what they really were. I once again lost sight of my true self until it occurred to me that God did indeed make us in God's image. God is female to those who believe Her to be and male to those who believe Him to be, but truth is, God is really a spirit having no gender or even possibly having both genders. Science made the body, but God makes the spirit. 
    It was my sister's mother-in-law that opened my eyes to the fact that God intended me to be female, but science somehow screwed up and created a male body for the female spirit God had made for me. Because of her continuous support for my choice to be female despite my male outer form, I am proud to say that I have at least begun dressing as a female part of the time except when going places that just would never accept it. I'm 32 now, and my life, I feel, is just beginning. Like the phoenix, I have been reborn from the ashes of all those who burned me by trying to keep me from being what I truly am. I am female, and proud to be. Take care and be safe always everyone.

February 19- The Fraudulent Gamesville Strikes Again!

Hello again to all my readers,

You would think after all these years, I would have learned not to believe Gamesville.com's claim of playing free games and winning fortunes of riches. Several years I have been trying unsuccessfully to win these so-called riches and listening to others complain about never winning either. I complained several times to the site administrators about this problem as well as bugs in the system taking forever to get fixed with no timely thing done about anything. I would then quit for a while and go back in to try again only to face the same problems.

One of the complaints I had was when they took off the play now button without telling anyone they were going to do it. The game was not re-loading like it was supposed to in order to begin the next round. It took a whole two months before the problem was fixed even after several of my complaints each one getting more sterner than the last. That kind of thing when gambling for real money pisses people off.

Today I was on there yet again with the same issues of hearing complaints and making a few of my own just to test to see who agreed. Then, when I had enough agreements, I threatened to have the site shut down for false advertisement. Then, someone came on and asked what was false about it. I told them my whole story of how many times I've been on hearing complaints and not winning myself. They respond claiming to have won money on there. I asked them how much and got 35 dollars as a response. Then, I remarked that it wasn't big money and how no one wins big money. To this, the same person says they did win 1000+ dollars on a bingo game. Then, I asked if they worked for the site to which they said no. I then asked how I was supposed to know they were not a robot, and all they could say was that they weren't. I don't know that.

Gamesville shows side bars of recent winners, but none of those winners ever have a picture of them with the check, nor do they have a profile picture to say this person is real. There's no way to tell. Even my own family who has played says they've only won little money and never the big money pots. Gamesville is a scam people! You'll go on there thinking you'll win big, but forget it! No one wins big unless they either work for them or get paid to say they won or just robots. It's just a huge waste of time unless you are just looking to play some fun games. Still, there are better sites if you just want to do that. There's Facebook, Myspace, FreeBingo.com, WorldWinner.com, and several others that at least don't claim you can win real money nor have as many bugs that take forever to get fixed. Even Facebook's many bugs get fixed in a timely manner.

Take my advice steer clear of Gamesville. They are liars, cheats, and scumbags that don't care about the quality of their games enough to get problems fixed right away. Take care and be safe always.

February 12- The Return Of The Writer!

Hello again to all my readers whomever you may be. I am writing this post in good spirits. Life has begun to take a turn for the better, and I must say it is about time. Love is in the air as Valentine's Day approaches for most in the world including myself. The mommy I met online two or three years ago and I are getting very close despite not having met yet in person, and for once the fears I had of her not wanting me if we did meet are no longer holding me back from keeping the faith that we shall meet and one day pursue a deeper relationship while still keeping the relationship we have now.

The greatest thing that happened to me since I last posted was that the medication that was holding back my inspirational side was decreased allowing me to finally have the motivation flowing once again. It also has freed me from a slump of almost zombie-like will. In other words, I no longer feel like doing nothing, and am rather getting slowly better at finding things that keep me interested and no longer completely depressed to the point of not wanting to do anything at all. It is the lowering of that one medication that has truly set my mind back on track and given me confidence to face my fears and finally talk to mommy about them. Now my heart yearns to finally meet her in person and go from there.

Mommy told me she understands that I am having financial troubles keeping me from getting to her and is not at all fearing that I am one of those who just disappear at the very notion of meeting in person after being so adamant about wanting to meet getting this person's hope up only to not go through with it. This was one of my worries along with the other one previously mentioned. I was afraid she may begin to think I was such a person, but after speaking to her about it, I realize the fear was most likely an irrational one.

Not only has all of this been getting better, but my natural writing ability has begun to flow again to where I can write amazingly at the spur of the moment once more and no longer struggle to come up with what to write or how I want it presented. Even now as I write this post, the words are flowing so freely that it is like magic that what I want to say is not as hard to type minus the few errors I am having typing so fast as I try to get it down as it pops in my head. I love this, and I know that it won't be fully better for a while since I still have most of the medicine I was taking still in my system, but once my body re-adjusts to what I take now, I will be able to write amazing novels and poetry as i once was able to. My only thing to do now is to get the novels and poems I wrote years ago from my old home in Louisiana and put them together with what I write now to finally work on getting them published. Then, I can sell my works and possibly make lots of money off of them to finance my dream of becoming a wrestler. I now believe I am on the right path to success and can overcome any obstacle in my way.

I will leave you all now with a poem that is just coming to me as I write:

Free As The Wind

No longer must I hold back the flow

of a talent I had held back so long ago.

My days are now brighter than I've ever seen.

The sky is now a deeper blue and grass a colorful green,

but my world was once dark and full of pain

leaving me searching for light amid the rain,

but then the stone was graciously lifted,

and I found myself once again gifted

to write the words speeding through the mind.

I now have acquired the freedom I sought to find.

To think that I was once at such a great loss

and just hanging around like the Cyprus tree's moss

all due to the inspiration at a time being blocked

by a medication wrongly keeping the door locked.

I am free as the wind on a nice Spring day,

and I vow I shall continue to keep it that way.

Take care and be safe always everyone.

February 05- Need To Be Loved

Hello again to all my readers,

I know it has been a while since I last posted, but not much has really been happening, so I felt it wasn't worth posting until I really felt the need to. Don't want to bore all of you with mindless gibber jabber while struggling to find something to post about. Anyway, there has been one nagging thing on the back of my mind, however. It's a fear that keeps me searching for someone to fill a void that haunts me day in and day out. This fear is the fear of dying alone and never finding my true companion who will understand my wants and needs as well as the problems I have and be able to accept me completely for everything I like, dislike, and choose to live as. This fear coupled with a subconscious self-destructive thought process seems to leave me alone and desperate.

I am human and need to be loved just like everybody else, but my needs go even further than that. I have to admit that I do have a co-dependency issue that causes me to feel like I cannot survive without someone by my side to be able to be strong enough to carry me through times I cannot go forth on my own limited strengths. This dependency keeps me searching for a mate, but once I find it and things are going well, my self-destructive thoughts tell me that I'm not worthy of the good things given to me because I am a failure and will always be one. Nothing is supposed to be good for me because for most of my life that is how it has been. Things go well for awhile until I begin to find out the person I am with is only using me for money, sex, or just someone to hang out and get drunk with. Out of all the ones I have been with, only one was not like that. Our breakup was mainly due to the first appearing of my self-destructive side.

How can one change something that is happening subconsciously? If a person can't tell when it is happening, there is no way to stop it from happening. Someone you are with can easily lie and say they are not doing what you think they are, so it would be up to you to decide to believe them or not, but what if you choose wrongly? Where are all the ones who love, give, understand, and accept freely without expecting anything but the same from you? What happened to those who don't care what your interests are but still try to be a part of them or at least give you some space to do what you enjoy on your own as long as you give them the same respects?

There are very few of the type I seek, and as years go by, they become all the more lesser. I fear I will never get lucky enough to find such a person and will end up dying tragically on my own. I wish I knew what kind of impact I have on people who do read this blog if any. As for now, I fear dying without having done anything for the world to remember about me except for all the bad things I have done in my life. I wish I could tell my son and daughter not to make the same mistakes I have made. Don't let others tell you how you can or cannot live. Stand up for how you feel and what you believe and let what others try to program you to feel or believe go in one ear and out the other. It's okay to get angry, but do not let that anger control you and make you into something you are not. Learn to keep an open mind to anyone who is different in anyway. Dress how you feel comfortable dressing no matter what anyone else says against it. Do not try to force others to live as you do, nor should you let anyone do the same to you. Do not trust people who say they can take care of you when you see they cannot even care for themselves. Look out for yourself first and foremost, then help others with what you have left if it is within your means. These are only just a few words of advice I can think of. One piece of advice comes from the character Morpheus in the movie "The Matrix". "I can only show you the door, but it is up to you to go through it." What it means is to guide people in the right direction, but never force them to choose that direction. It is on them if they choose not to go the way you showed them, and any bad consequences that befall them are left on their own judgement.

We all need to be loved. It's human nature to seek out someone who will fill this need. I'm just tired of finding love in all the wrong places that turn out to be the wrong kind of love. There are several types of love. There's love you give to everyone just for them being a person, love you give to family, love you give to friends for being your friend, love you give to your significant other, and love given to you by people who only want something from you. The last type of love is one many deny as love. They'll try to tell you that it isn't love if someone only wants to use you to get something they want, but I do see it as a form of love that I call a user's love or false love, but it is still love nonetheless. The reason it is still love because the person who target you must have had some kind of attraction to you in order to be able to choose you as a target. Attraction is not love, but it does go hand in hand. For love to begin, an attraction to someone has to take place first no matter what type of attraction it may be. How can someone love someone they are not attracted to? After the attraction is formed to you by the user, then they continue to stick by you if you can keep giving them what they are trying to get. Love of your giving them what they are seeking then develops. Love does not always have to be love of another person. It can be love of money, love of physical looks, love of objects, or love of positive actions a person becomes attracted to hence making a false love still love all the same. Most of the love I've gotten in my life has been false love, which is why I continue to doubt myself deserving anything but false love, so when true love comes my way, I become uncomfortable subconsciously and start becoming paranoid and seeing demons where there are none. My mind begins seeking every small thing that will show me that I am getting false love and need to get out of it. I need someone who loves me enough to not only put up with me when I get that way, but also be strong enough to figure out a way to keep me from destroying that love without leaving me or allowing me to leave them. Am I seeking for too much? Is there anyone out there who can fill all the profile of my perfect match that I have given throughout this post? Will I ever finally find true love and be able to hold on to it? So many questions without answers. Take care and be safe always everyone.