December 31- The End Of One Year; Beginning Of Another

Hello again to all my readers,

So tomorrow begins a whole new year for us, and today everyone is preparing to celebrate the death of the year we all survived through. Some believe that 2012 is the year the world will end, and many people are concerned of whether or not this will be the case. I say instead of focusing all our attention on watching to see if this is true or not, we should all look at this coming year as another year to try and better ourselves and carry on with our day to day lives living as though each day will be our last. Love one another more, care for one another more, show our loved ones how much mean to us each and every day as though we may one day wake up and not have them in our lives. This includes the friends we have that we hold close to our hearts as though they were family as well.

Do not let the fear or worry that the world may or may not end this year stop you from doing what everyone should have been doing each day of their adult lives. I say adult lives because children know not what they do except for what they were taught by the parents and adult society. If they were taught to love and care for everyone no matter what, then they would grow to know only that. Teach a child to hate and discriminate, and they will know only hate. The reason society is the way it is this day and age is because they were not taught different. I do not hold parents only responsible because society also teaches children by way of what the children see growing up. Parents can only do so much to teach them their ways and protect them from what society teaches.

This coming year, I hope to see more tolerance toward differences in race, sexual orientation, religion, gender (this includes those that are of the transgender categories), and what a person chooses as their fetish lifestyle. I also hope to see society become more tolerant to the unknown and things outside of the comfort zone of their own sense of normalcy. I know that this is a long shot to have this actually happen, but at least one can dream of a day like this.

I, myself, have my own New Year's resolutions. For one, I will budget my money better and not spend more than I have. Two, I will begin to pay back everyone I owe money to. Three, I will be a better father to my children despite living in a different state than them. Four, I will rebuild my credit. Five, I will work on my different flaws one at a time and finally correct those flaws to become a much better person. Finally, I will learn to balance my impulsion to give with the absolute need to take.

With all that off my chest and out there for everyone to have something to chew on, I hope all of you have a wonderful New Year's, and may it bring new hopes, dreams, and successes in everyone's lives. Take care and be safe always, and if you drink tonight, don't drive!

December 24th- What Exactly Is An Adult Baby?

Hello again to all my readers,

Today is Christmas Eve, and depression is hitting me hard. The reason was explained in yesterday's blog post, but now I want to go deeper into why I feel the way I feel. I will also explain the way my thought process leads to many bad decisions in my life.

I don't know how many of you have heard the terms "adult baby" and "diaper lover" before, but there is always a big dispute as to what being either of those really is. Some say it is a fetish, and others say it is a lifestyle, but they still come together to say it is a choice and not something they can't avoid. Very few mention how it could possibly be something mental. I am one who at first thought it to be a lifestyle choice, but throughout my life, I have started to believe it goes much deeper than just choosing to do what I do.

The reason I say this is because as I look back at my whole life and the decisions I made, I see a pattern begin to evolve. Many people have tried telling me the same thing I begin to realize today, but I always ignored them not wanting to hear the truth. I began my soul searching a year ago, and one thing that always came to mind was how my decisions always lead me into trouble. It was then I tried to figure out why. I know many people say not to use excuses and just except that you did wrong, but to every action there is a reason why that action takes place. Nothing happens just because. We don't make mistakes just because. Say you're in a cement factory, and the cement comes out being too watery. First you want to figure out why did it come out that way. If it was a machine that didn't work right, you have to figure out why the machine didn't work right. Then if a person didn't fix the machine like they were supposed to, you have to figure out why the person didn't fix it right. The list goes on and on, but the question why is always brought up. That "why?" is the reason that most people want to overlook and tend to call an excuse. Taking out the "why" allows them to be lazy and just point blame to someone rather than an event that could have started the whole chain off leading up to the mistake made.

One such event could be the way a person grew up, and it sets up the complete chain of events throughout a person's entire life. An abused child most of the time grows up to be an abuser, and so on and so on. There are still a rare few that are able to break the cycle and learn not to be an abuser knowing how it feels to be abused.

This now brings me to my own life. I was taken from my real parents, put into foster homes where I never got enough parental love and was once abused sexually, and then adopted into a family where the supposed to be father figure abused me physically. Now in my adult life, I find myself most often thinking like a child and being comfortable wear diapers and doing other baby things as though that is what I am. Back to my decisions. When I have had a decision to make, I know I always made the wrong one. So why? Why do I make the wrong ones? The answer could be as simple as my thinking process is still time frozen as a child and never had time to grow because of my childhood misfortunes. The thinking process may be a child's thinking process, but my reasoning process has grown and is in its adulthood. When I have to make a decision, my child thinking process thinks of the most fun and immediately gratifying choice, and my adult reasoning process just comes up with good reasoning as to why that choice is the right choice. In other words, all my reasoning process does is figure out what to reason to other people to make what my thinking process has decided right. Of course, it is the wrong choice because it is a choice a child would make and not an adult. Now, can this be helped? Many may say it can, and very few will say no. Still, I think it can be helped in a way many adults except those who understand the adult baby and diaper lover would disapprove of. They fail to see that an adult baby is an adult, but also a baby.

Why do I say that? I say that because an adult baby is indeed an adult in that they can socialize, work, and do many things an adult does, but they are a baby in the way they think some or most of the time, act some or most of the time, and dress whether by choice or by what feels right to them. It's the baby part that society fails to acknowledge in an adult baby. That's why they cannot bring themselves to treat an adult baby as a baby and not a full adult. I can't speak for all adult babies, but I do know that's what depresses me around the holidays. I would just love for once to be treated as a baby would be treated around Christmas. The parental love, coddling, ohs and ahs as I open my gifts, being filled with holiday spirit from a parental figure, staying up late Christmas Eve waiting for Santa with my Mommy and/or Daddy, putting cookies and milk for the big man, and a parent's watchful eyes as I play with all my new bought toys. All that is gone now, so Christmas has become just another day.

That's the deeper insight into what I posted yesterday. It could probably go even deeper, but I think I have gone far enough. If I go any further, you may get trapped in my mind. Until next time, see you.

December 23rd- Holiday Blues

Hello again to all my readers,

I know it has been a very long time since I last posted a blog report here. I have been through hell and back since I decided to once again turn my wheels and continue my wandering ways. This time, it lead my to the great state of Texas in a town called Forney. From there, I would up in Downtown Dallas at a place called Dallas Life Foundation. I stayed for a week before I got conned into getting out of there and staying a weekend in Buckner with someone who pretended to be my friend only to leave me stranded at the Wal-Mart near his motel and take all my belongings except for the clothes I had on.

You think that I would learn from that experience, but I foolishly ran to some supposed to be Christians for help. They did take me in and give me food and clothing, but the price for that was to be accused of not being saved when I knew in my heart I was all because I didn't believe what they were trying to spread about their beliefs. They tried to tell me that I didn't know the "true" God nor the "true" Jesus because I don't feel that fear is the ONLY path to get to know them. I don't believe that once you are saved you have to literally walk on egg shells and give up all means of fun like going dancing, going see a movie or bowling with friends, or anything like that. Then, they told me I either had to believe like them or leave. Of course, after giving them one thought that God put in my heart to give them, I left. The thought I gave them was that no path to righteousness should ever be forced on anyone. They argued that Jesus and God did force people to believe in them, but I wonder what bible they got that from. The bible I know says that we have a choice to believe or not. It also says to LOVE the Lord your God, not fear Him, and John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever BELIEVES in Him shall not die, but have everlasting life. From those two scriptures I see that belief in the Lord and Love of the Lord are the only two things I need to do.

After I left them, I once again found myself in Downtown Dallas for a night. The next day, my friend Casandra decided to get me some help since I was ready to kill myself to end all my suffering. She took me to Timberlawn Mental Hospital, and I stayed there close to a full month. After my stay there, I ended up in Mesquite, which is very close to where my journey began. I am currently still in Mesquite.

With that update out of the way, I can get down to the true subject of this blog. Christmas is once again upon us, and many are actually rejoicing this holiday season. There are others who, like me, are experiencing holiday blues. I can't speak for them and say why they are, but for me, holidays are a constant reminder of how I'm no longer a child and getting older by the years. Holidays are no longer as fun as they used to be for me because it is the children of the world that get the most attention during the holidays. Even my roommate, Tim, said it best yesterday when he said that Christmas is more for the children than the adults. I would just love for one time to be able to have a chance to celebrate Christmas as a child. I'm not talking about being able to have that fun by watching another child having Christmas fun. My Christmas wish is to be viewed as a child and given the same Christmas attention the regular children get. Of course, that can never happen because I am an adult, and no one will ever except an adult acting like a child, nor will they ever treat one as such. This is the reminder I get every Christmas when children get their toys, and I end up getting nothing.

With that said, I say Bah Humbug! to those who would wish me a merry Christmas, but Merry Christmas to those whom this holiday still means something to.