Today is Christmas Eve, and depression is hitting me hard. The reason was explained in yesterday's blog post, but now I want to go deeper into why I feel the way I feel. I will also explain the way my thought process leads to many bad decisions in my life.
I don't know how many of you have heard the terms "adult baby" and "diaper lover" before, but there is always a big dispute as to what being either of those really is. Some say it is a fetish, and others say it is a lifestyle, but they still come together to say it is a choice and not something they can't avoid. Very few mention how it could possibly be something mental. I am one who at first thought it to be a lifestyle choice, but throughout my life, I have started to believe it goes much deeper than just choosing to do what I do.
The reason I say this is because as I look back at my whole life and the decisions I made, I see a pattern begin to evolve. Many people have tried telling me the same thing I begin to realize today, but I always ignored them not wanting to hear the truth. I began my soul searching a year ago, and one thing that always came to mind was how my decisions always lead me into trouble. It was then I tried to figure out why. I know many people say not to use excuses and just except that you did wrong, but to every action there is a reason why that action takes place. Nothing happens just because. We don't make mistakes just because. Say you're in a cement factory, and the cement comes out being too watery. First you want to figure out why did it come out that way. If it was a machine that didn't work right, you have to figure out why the machine didn't work right. Then if a person didn't fix the machine like they were supposed to, you have to figure out why the person didn't fix it right. The list goes on and on, but the question why is always brought up. That "why?" is the reason that most people want to overlook and tend to call an excuse. Taking out the "why" allows them to be lazy and just point blame to someone rather than an event that could have started the whole chain off leading up to the mistake made.
One such event could be the way a person grew up, and it sets up the complete chain of events throughout a person's entire life. An abused child most of the time grows up to be an abuser, and so on and so on. There are still a rare few that are able to break the cycle and learn not to be an abuser knowing how it feels to be abused.
This now brings me to my own life. I was taken from my real parents, put into foster homes where I never got enough parental love and was once abused sexually, and then adopted into a family where the supposed to be father figure abused me physically. Now in my adult life, I find myself most often thinking like a child and being comfortable wear diapers and doing other baby things as though that is what I am. Back to my decisions. When I have had a decision to make, I know I always made the wrong one. So why? Why do I make the wrong ones? The answer could be as simple as my thinking process is still time frozen as a child and never had time to grow because of my childhood misfortunes. The thinking process may be a child's thinking process, but my reasoning process has grown and is in its adulthood. When I have to make a decision, my child thinking process thinks of the most fun and immediately gratifying choice, and my adult reasoning process just comes up with good reasoning as to why that choice is the right choice. In other words, all my reasoning process does is figure out what to reason to other people to make what my thinking process has decided right. Of course, it is the wrong choice because it is a choice a child would make and not an adult. Now, can this be helped? Many may say it can, and very few will say no. Still, I think it can be helped in a way many adults except those who understand the adult baby and diaper lover would disapprove of. They fail to see that an adult baby is an adult, but also a baby.
Why do I say that? I say that because an adult baby is indeed an adult in that they can socialize, work, and do many things an adult does, but they are a baby in the way they think some or most of the time, act some or most of the time, and dress whether by choice or by what feels right to them. It's the baby part that society fails to acknowledge in an adult baby. That's why they cannot bring themselves to treat an adult baby as a baby and not a full adult. I can't speak for all adult babies, but I do know that's what depresses me around the holidays. I would just love for once to be treated as a baby would be treated around Christmas. The parental love, coddling, ohs and ahs as I open my gifts, being filled with holiday spirit from a parental figure, staying up late Christmas Eve waiting for Santa with my Mommy and/or Daddy, putting cookies and milk for the big man, and a parent's watchful eyes as I play with all my new bought toys. All that is gone now, so Christmas has become just another day.
That's the deeper insight into what I posted yesterday. It could probably go even deeper, but I think I have gone far enough. If I go any further, you may get trapped in my mind. Until next time, see you.
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