I've been doing a lot of thinking since my last post. Things I've watched and having chats with people I know has sparked a lot of wonder and new ideas to think about. Today, I will cover choice and what leads us to choosing what we choose, my own insecurities about self-worth, and the fears I have when it comes to seeking new relationships.
First, let me begin with choice. Many people say that we all should just accept responsibility for the choices we make in life without making excuses, but what really bugs me is that to me, no one just chooses something "just because". I feel there is always a reason behind which choice we make in life when choosing between one choice or the other. Is the reason behind the choice an excuse, though? To me, an excuse is more like not doing being able to do one thing because of something else that came along making it impossible to be able to do it. I don't see finding a reason behind what we choose as an excuse. Yes, we all have to make choices in life, and we have to accept the consequences of our choice we make, but why shouldn't we find a reason behind why we make those choices in order to deal with that reason and try our best not to make bad choices again? If we just sit back and accept our choice as a "just because" choice without getting down to the root of why that choice was made in the first place, we end up making the same bad choice over and over again. The whole definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That also includes making the same choices over and over again, but without finding a reason for the choice we made as well as examining the points of how we made a mistake in the first place, we are all doomed to repeating the same chain each time we come to a choice that is similar to the one before while in our own minds thinking it will be different than before. We make mistakes, and then we have to look at these points: 1. What choice did we make? 2. What was the outcome of our choice? 3. Why did we choose what we did? 4. How can we avoid making the same choice again in order to not make the same bad outcome come about?
Now, I want to talk about my insecurities and how I view my own self-worth. I was talking with Joy, one-half of the husband and wife roommates I live with, and she brought up a good point about how the importance of loving myself effects the way people end up loving me. "If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you?" she had asked. I had to stop and ponder this, but deep down I know she is right. I don't love myself. I look in the mirror and cut myself down. I feel I look ugly, fat, too meek, pathetic, immature and nerdy. This is not including how much I wish to look in the mirror and see a not too thin and not too fat beautiful woman staring back at me instead of this ugly repulsive thing I see before me every time. Still, I can fix the weight, but the rest I absolutely hate because even if I did lose weight, I don't think I could ever be appealing. I also can't change the fact I was born in a male body, and changing that has its own pros and cons. Thing is, I can change the body, change the sex on just about everything, and even change my name to that of a female, but those who know me as a man already will always see me as just a man along with the government system. There will always be a trail leading back to the fact I was born a male. It doesn't clear my social security number nor the police record I have because of the mistakes I made as a man. Also, it does not mean I will be able to do everything a true woman can unless they figure someway to allow transgenders to be able to reproduce like real women or even have time of the months like a real woman (even though that would be one thing that would be wonderful not to experience). Still, I hate myself because I know that as much as I feel like a female, I'm not and can never become one fully no matter how many surgeries I undergo. I hate myself because I feel unattractive and like someone no one would ever want to be with except as a friend. I know I have a parent/adult baby relationship with a "mommy" in Oklahoma, but it's not like a boyfriend or girlfriend/boyfriend or girlfriend relationship. Even if it was, would either of us feel the same about each other or look at each other the same if we decided to make it that way? This leads in to fears.
On a TV show called The Big Bang Theory, the character, Sheldon, was talking about an experiment with a cat and how different gases affected the cat. The cat was placed in a box and the gases were released. The only way to see if the cat was still alive or dead was to have the scientist open the box. This has a lot to do with setting out to form a relationship with someone because one cannot avoid a relationship due to fear of whether it will work or not until they actually "open the box" (try) and see if the "cat" (relationship) is "alive or dead" (going to work out or not). However, due to how I view myself as mentioned above, this is more harder than it sounds. I always fear that when I go out, people see me as I see myself or worse and would never want a person like me except for some underlying reason such as for money, sex, or just a drug or drinking buddy, so I have issues with even trying. I can go out among people and be in small crowds, but I just stick to myself and hide in the shadows so to speak. I can't bring myself to actually make the first move except to say hello and nod my head or wave to acknowledge those I pass by. After that, I usually leave the other person to strike up something to talk about. I hardly ever get into someone else's conversation unless they talk about something I can relate to so that I don't sound stupid trying to talk about a subject I know nothing about, but yet begin to talk too much when the subject is finally one of my level. I go from one extreme to another too quickly and fear that no one would care for anyone like that. How can I ever bring myself to get over these fears? How can I ever get anyone to accept me and understand me? How can I ever get someone who is not just a spam bot to ever take notice of me in the way I want to be noticed? I guess it may just be the truth that I will go to my grave without ever finding that one true love due to my own faults, fears, and hatred of my own self. Take care and be safe always everyone.
0 comments:
Post a Comment