I know it has been a while since I last posted, but not much has really been happening, so I felt it wasn't worth posting until I really felt the need to. Don't want to bore all of you with mindless gibber jabber while struggling to find something to post about. Anyway, there has been one nagging thing on the back of my mind, however. It's a fear that keeps me searching for someone to fill a void that haunts me day in and day out. This fear is the fear of dying alone and never finding my true companion who will understand my wants and needs as well as the problems I have and be able to accept me completely for everything I like, dislike, and choose to live as. This fear coupled with a subconscious self-destructive thought process seems to leave me alone and desperate.
I am human and need to be loved just like everybody else, but my needs go even further than that. I have to admit that I do have a co-dependency issue that causes me to feel like I cannot survive without someone by my side to be able to be strong enough to carry me through times I cannot go forth on my own limited strengths. This dependency keeps me searching for a mate, but once I find it and things are going well, my self-destructive thoughts tell me that I'm not worthy of the good things given to me because I am a failure and will always be one. Nothing is supposed to be good for me because for most of my life that is how it has been. Things go well for awhile until I begin to find out the person I am with is only using me for money, sex, or just someone to hang out and get drunk with. Out of all the ones I have been with, only one was not like that. Our breakup was mainly due to the first appearing of my self-destructive side.
How can one change something that is happening subconsciously? If a person can't tell when it is happening, there is no way to stop it from happening. Someone you are with can easily lie and say they are not doing what you think they are, so it would be up to you to decide to believe them or not, but what if you choose wrongly? Where are all the ones who love, give, understand, and accept freely without expecting anything but the same from you? What happened to those who don't care what your interests are but still try to be a part of them or at least give you some space to do what you enjoy on your own as long as you give them the same respects?
There are very few of the type I seek, and as years go by, they become all the more lesser. I fear I will never get lucky enough to find such a person and will end up dying tragically on my own. I wish I knew what kind of impact I have on people who do read this blog if any. As for now, I fear dying without having done anything for the world to remember about me except for all the bad things I have done in my life. I wish I could tell my son and daughter not to make the same mistakes I have made. Don't let others tell you how you can or cannot live. Stand up for how you feel and what you believe and let what others try to program you to feel or believe go in one ear and out the other. It's okay to get angry, but do not let that anger control you and make you into something you are not. Learn to keep an open mind to anyone who is different in anyway. Dress how you feel comfortable dressing no matter what anyone else says against it. Do not try to force others to live as you do, nor should you let anyone do the same to you. Do not trust people who say they can take care of you when you see they cannot even care for themselves. Look out for yourself first and foremost, then help others with what you have left if it is within your means. These are only just a few words of advice I can think of. One piece of advice comes from the character Morpheus in the movie "The Matrix". "I can only show you the door, but it is up to you to go through it." What it means is to guide people in the right direction, but never force them to choose that direction. It is on them if they choose not to go the way you showed them, and any bad consequences that befall them are left on their own judgement.
We all need to be loved. It's human nature to seek out someone who will fill this need. I'm just tired of finding love in all the wrong places that turn out to be the wrong kind of love. There are several types of love. There's love you give to everyone just for them being a person, love you give to family, love you give to friends for being your friend, love you give to your significant other, and love given to you by people who only want something from you. The last type of love is one many deny as love. They'll try to tell you that it isn't love if someone only wants to use you to get something they want, but I do see it as a form of love that I call a user's love or false love, but it is still love nonetheless. The reason it is still love because the person who target you must have had some kind of attraction to you in order to be able to choose you as a target. Attraction is not love, but it does go hand in hand. For love to begin, an attraction to someone has to take place first no matter what type of attraction it may be. How can someone love someone they are not attracted to? After the attraction is formed to you by the user, then they continue to stick by you if you can keep giving them what they are trying to get. Love of your giving them what they are seeking then develops. Love does not always have to be love of another person. It can be love of money, love of physical looks, love of objects, or love of positive actions a person becomes attracted to hence making a false love still love all the same. Most of the love I've gotten in my life has been false love, which is why I continue to doubt myself deserving anything but false love, so when true love comes my way, I become uncomfortable subconsciously and start becoming paranoid and seeing demons where there are none. My mind begins seeking every small thing that will show me that I am getting false love and need to get out of it. I need someone who loves me enough to not only put up with me when I get that way, but also be strong enough to figure out a way to keep me from destroying that love without leaving me or allowing me to leave them. Am I seeking for too much? Is there anyone out there who can fill all the profile of my perfect match that I have given throughout this post? Will I ever finally find true love and be able to hold on to it? So many questions without answers. Take care and be safe always everyone.
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