November 24th- Past The Deep End

I always wondered what going over and beyond the deep end of a severe emotional breakdown would be like. I found out just that today, and now I wish I had never gone there because I don't think I can ever come back. Now I see how much I have been lying to myself and to my son trying to pretend I was strong enough to not allow myself to become the monster that George Vincent Bordelon was and the one that Cheryl Guidry Bordelon (now Cunningham) and Christine Elizabeth Bordelon allowed George to be.
I was not strong enough, and after three days of my 3 year old son refusing to listen to me for anything but being defiant to the very end, I broke. The monster those three formed inside me broke free from the prison I had built to keep it locked away. I lost control and used a belt on my son. After realizing what I had become, I actually cried in front of him and begged his forgiveness, but I can't take it back. Knowing that, I am lost because now I will never be the same again. I will never be able to forgive myself even if my son does forgive me. I tried everything to keep him safe from something like that ever happening. I failed.
I don't know what else to do with him anymore. I have tried being kind, tried showing him all the love he needs, tried standing up for him where no one ever stood up for me, tried keeping him from harm, tried being stern, tried being mean and ugly, tried being patient as long as I could and further, but yet my son must hate me because he continues to do everything he wants no matter who tells him no. He continues to defy authority anyway he can. My last option is to just throw my hands up and leave him to his own, and when he is older and in serious trouble with the law because of his attitude, I hope he looks back and thinks of all I did to try and raise him better any way I could. It's not that I want to give up on him, and in my heart I never will, but I can't keep going on with trying to make him listen any more and risk going even further down into the pits of hell that I surely hope George, Cheryl, Christine, and all the others who refused to ever stand up for me will go. Trust me, if I end up with them in heaven or in hell, there will not be enough room to contain the mayhem that will transpire. Heaven will crumble, and Hell will have a new ruler.
I am dead. George, Cheryl, and Christine are beyond dead. I don't wish to bring myself to their level.