October 4th- Election Time Again? :(

  Hello again to all my readers. It's that time again. Election time that is. The time I really hate the most. Why do I hate it? Let me explain.
    I don't vote, and normally do not care about who becomes president since the president truly is a scapegoat for the whole of Congress's mistakes. I am tired of Republicans blaming Democrats and vice versa when the whole damn political system is rotten to the core. Those who vote, do us all a favor and just sit it out. Let Congress choose the president their own damn self since they do anyway. Do you all know that each vote gives Congress the power to vote in whomever they choose? It's called the Electoral College. They take your votes and vote whichever way they want how ever many times per vote. The whole country could vote for Obama, but if they want Romney, Romney will win and the other way around. We have no more voice like before, the College has taken that away. I know I will get some who deny it, but I know what I was taught in Economics Class. My teacher told me the government would not want us to know that, but he was going to teach us the truth. Blinded by lies we are, cold so cold. Down with our current government!!!!!!!!!! We are no longer free as the government tries to make us out to be. We are their slaves and I'll probably get branded a terrorist, but the truth must be told. We have no freedom of speech. We cannot speak ill of the government or tell the truth before the Men In Black come to clean up and brainwash everyone yet again. Down with our government who is no longer for the people or by the people!!!!!
  To make matters worse, we now have a candidate who is against gay marriages. I am against any president who will be against gay marriages. Not only that, he wants to give all our jobs away to foreigners. I will not support anyone who will be against the GLBT community and is changing America into less of what it is supposed to be. Bad enough we have Mexicans crossing the border illegally and getting benefits we American born have to fight for, and nearly work for all our lives, but now we have a candidate who wants the Chinese to come and steal our jobs away from us as well. Yes, I am talking about Romney. As I said, I would normally care less about who wins, but if people think Obama nearly started a civil war, Romney will definitely start one with the GLBT community, and I will be right there with them fighting against the man more than I already do. I will fight against any un-American American who is openly against gays, lesbians, bis, and transgenders and also wants to give all our jobs away to the Chinese. I will say this now, if he wins, I will leave this country and then have all the GLBT start a war with him. Oh yes, there will be blood. If you seriously want a war, then go ahead and let him win. That no-good, closed-minded, foreigner lover, rich bitch better not win. I will not stand for him being president. Take care and be safe always. Be sure to not vote.
   

September 21: Another Step Towards Change And The Hardships In The Way

   Hello to all my readers once again. I have once again taken another step toward a change in my life. After my Mama, Lauralee, had a serious heart to heart with me about how bad my health has been getting due to my smoking habits last night, I have decided it is time to try and quit once more. Many times I have tried before to quit, and failed, now I am scared I will not succeed this time either. I know it's bad for me, and can eventually kill me, and it isn't that I don't care, but every time I get so stressed, I feel I have to smoke. 
   How can I make it easier to quit when my life is full of triggers causing me to want to smoke everywhere I turn? People yelling at one another constantly, cable/internet companies giving me the run-around when it comes to trying to get our internet connection to work properly, internet mysteriously working when the techs are here and then just as quickly not working once they leave,  being bored almost all the time, and just wanting to smoke out of force of habit are just a few of my triggers. How can I combat these or any other triggers that come my way without using a cigarette as a tool to do it when I have pretty much programmed myself to use one? 
   In other news, my sister, Sheryl, is getting a hands on experience of what it is like to raise a real baby by having to take care of me like she would have to take care of it. The reason for this is because she is so set on wanting to have her own baby without being truly ready to have one. I say this due to her lack of being able to take care of her responsibilities she has now let alone the ones she will have if she ever does have a child. So far, I have only shown her bits and pieces of a two year old perspective, but I am hoping to have some diapers soon to where I can go even further back and show her what a newborn would be like. Anyway, that's all for now. Take care and be safe always everyone.
   
  

  

September 19- How do you explain me?

  Hello again readers. Today something very interesting occurred to me. Many times I have gotten the question, "Are you male or female?", and I honestly get stumped trying to answer. How can I explain just what I am to those who can only see what is on the outside? In a way, I want to say I am female, but my body is not female. I can't say male because to myself I'd be lying since I know myself to be female.
   I try to tell people that I am female in a male body, but then they go and tell everyone I am male. Why does the body have to determine gender? Why can't people just accept the fact that I call myself female because that is what I know and feel myself to be? Then, the question hits me, what do I call myself? I can't say male or female, nor can I say I am both. If I put female, people call me a liar. If I put male, I am lying to myself. I can't say both because I don't have both parts to make me both. Either way, I seem to be stuck somewhere in the middle. 
   I wish we lived in a world where we all were whatever gender we said we were. Who cares if our body has parts only a male or female should have. Gender should not be determined by the body because it is not the body that makes us who we are. I have said this many times before, but I will say it again, you can create an artificial body, but you cannot create a soul. With no soul, the body is not truly alive. You can make artificial tissues, organs, and blood, but what good is it if there is no soul? 
   The soul is and always should be what determines gender. People need to wake up and hear this. Look to a person's soul and how they feel. If they say they are female, address them as such no matter what they appear to be on the outside. Don't ever judge someone by their outer appearance. If someone says they are female or male, chances are they have a female or male soul no matter what body they may have.
   The one thing that ruins it for all of us is those who claim to be a gender they are not only to get with someone who otherwise may not want anything to do with them. I hate these kinds of people because then it makes it twice as hard for us who really do have the soul we say we have to ever be taken seriously. The other kinds of people I hate is those who lie about their gender only to exploit those like me and try to make us the liar while failing to mention how they themselves are lying. Where is honesty? Where is truth? Seems these days honesty and truth are just words with no meaning except to a slight few who actually uphold honesty and truth. I will not lie about myself. I am what I say I am, but what do I say I am? I am female no matter what anyone else will think. Take care and be safe always everyone.
  

September 18- I'm Back!!! What I Have Done So Far.

 Hello once again to all my readers,
    I'm back!!!!! After a very long hiatus, I have returned to begin posting what's new in the life of a woman trapped within the body of a man. When I last left you all, I had posted a warning about Gamesville.com, but I think it's time for some real posting to begin. I don't want to bore people with just random stuff anymore without giving them more of what this blog is supposed to be about. I started this blog to speak about my progress of bringing out the female from within to finally be seen on the outside for what I know I truly am. With that said, let me go now into today's topic. I want to talk about where I am in my transitional process, but first a little bit more from my past. Some of this post may be repeat of what I have already said in posts before, but I need to say it again for those who may just now be tuning in.
    Being born in a male body, when adopted, my parents treated and dressed me as such. When I began to be more feminine, they couldn't understand. Then, when I told my mom one day at 12 years old that I felt more like a female, I was told that God made me a male, and that trying to change myself to be anything but was sinful. I suppressed my feelings not wanting to go against God and never spoke of it again.
    Several years passed, I once again began to explore the feelings I had back when I was 12 and at the age of 30, I tried once again to talk to my mom about how I felt. This time, she blamed the internet for how I was feeling and that I should stop believing the things I read online. She still would not understand that I truly did feel like a female. 
    What was worse was what happened just last year when I somehow found myself involved in a religious cult that tried to tell me it was a demon inside me making me feel like a female. I wanted so badly to be in God's good graces that I was starting to allow them to brainwash me until I began to see them for what they really were. I once again lost sight of my true self until it occurred to me that God did indeed make us in God's image. God is female to those who believe Her to be and male to those who believe Him to be, but truth is, God is really a spirit having no gender or even possibly having both genders. Science made the body, but God makes the spirit. 
    It was my sister's mother-in-law that opened my eyes to the fact that God intended me to be female, but science somehow screwed up and created a male body for the female spirit God had made for me. Because of her continuous support for my choice to be female despite my male outer form, I am proud to say that I have at least begun dressing as a female part of the time except when going places that just would never accept it. I'm 32 now, and my life, I feel, is just beginning. Like the phoenix, I have been reborn from the ashes of all those who burned me by trying to keep me from being what I truly am. I am female, and proud to be. Take care and be safe always everyone.

February 19- The Fraudulent Gamesville Strikes Again!

Hello again to all my readers,

You would think after all these years, I would have learned not to believe Gamesville.com's claim of playing free games and winning fortunes of riches. Several years I have been trying unsuccessfully to win these so-called riches and listening to others complain about never winning either. I complained several times to the site administrators about this problem as well as bugs in the system taking forever to get fixed with no timely thing done about anything. I would then quit for a while and go back in to try again only to face the same problems.

One of the complaints I had was when they took off the play now button without telling anyone they were going to do it. The game was not re-loading like it was supposed to in order to begin the next round. It took a whole two months before the problem was fixed even after several of my complaints each one getting more sterner than the last. That kind of thing when gambling for real money pisses people off.

Today I was on there yet again with the same issues of hearing complaints and making a few of my own just to test to see who agreed. Then, when I had enough agreements, I threatened to have the site shut down for false advertisement. Then, someone came on and asked what was false about it. I told them my whole story of how many times I've been on hearing complaints and not winning myself. They respond claiming to have won money on there. I asked them how much and got 35 dollars as a response. Then, I remarked that it wasn't big money and how no one wins big money. To this, the same person says they did win 1000+ dollars on a bingo game. Then, I asked if they worked for the site to which they said no. I then asked how I was supposed to know they were not a robot, and all they could say was that they weren't. I don't know that.

Gamesville shows side bars of recent winners, but none of those winners ever have a picture of them with the check, nor do they have a profile picture to say this person is real. There's no way to tell. Even my own family who has played says they've only won little money and never the big money pots. Gamesville is a scam people! You'll go on there thinking you'll win big, but forget it! No one wins big unless they either work for them or get paid to say they won or just robots. It's just a huge waste of time unless you are just looking to play some fun games. Still, there are better sites if you just want to do that. There's Facebook, Myspace, FreeBingo.com, WorldWinner.com, and several others that at least don't claim you can win real money nor have as many bugs that take forever to get fixed. Even Facebook's many bugs get fixed in a timely manner.

Take my advice steer clear of Gamesville. They are liars, cheats, and scumbags that don't care about the quality of their games enough to get problems fixed right away. Take care and be safe always.

February 12- The Return Of The Writer!

Hello again to all my readers whomever you may be. I am writing this post in good spirits. Life has begun to take a turn for the better, and I must say it is about time. Love is in the air as Valentine's Day approaches for most in the world including myself. The mommy I met online two or three years ago and I are getting very close despite not having met yet in person, and for once the fears I had of her not wanting me if we did meet are no longer holding me back from keeping the faith that we shall meet and one day pursue a deeper relationship while still keeping the relationship we have now.

The greatest thing that happened to me since I last posted was that the medication that was holding back my inspirational side was decreased allowing me to finally have the motivation flowing once again. It also has freed me from a slump of almost zombie-like will. In other words, I no longer feel like doing nothing, and am rather getting slowly better at finding things that keep me interested and no longer completely depressed to the point of not wanting to do anything at all. It is the lowering of that one medication that has truly set my mind back on track and given me confidence to face my fears and finally talk to mommy about them. Now my heart yearns to finally meet her in person and go from there.

Mommy told me she understands that I am having financial troubles keeping me from getting to her and is not at all fearing that I am one of those who just disappear at the very notion of meeting in person after being so adamant about wanting to meet getting this person's hope up only to not go through with it. This was one of my worries along with the other one previously mentioned. I was afraid she may begin to think I was such a person, but after speaking to her about it, I realize the fear was most likely an irrational one.

Not only has all of this been getting better, but my natural writing ability has begun to flow again to where I can write amazingly at the spur of the moment once more and no longer struggle to come up with what to write or how I want it presented. Even now as I write this post, the words are flowing so freely that it is like magic that what I want to say is not as hard to type minus the few errors I am having typing so fast as I try to get it down as it pops in my head. I love this, and I know that it won't be fully better for a while since I still have most of the medicine I was taking still in my system, but once my body re-adjusts to what I take now, I will be able to write amazing novels and poetry as i once was able to. My only thing to do now is to get the novels and poems I wrote years ago from my old home in Louisiana and put them together with what I write now to finally work on getting them published. Then, I can sell my works and possibly make lots of money off of them to finance my dream of becoming a wrestler. I now believe I am on the right path to success and can overcome any obstacle in my way.

I will leave you all now with a poem that is just coming to me as I write:

Free As The Wind

No longer must I hold back the flow

of a talent I had held back so long ago.

My days are now brighter than I've ever seen.

The sky is now a deeper blue and grass a colorful green,

but my world was once dark and full of pain

leaving me searching for light amid the rain,

but then the stone was graciously lifted,

and I found myself once again gifted

to write the words speeding through the mind.

I now have acquired the freedom I sought to find.

To think that I was once at such a great loss

and just hanging around like the Cyprus tree's moss

all due to the inspiration at a time being blocked

by a medication wrongly keeping the door locked.

I am free as the wind on a nice Spring day,

and I vow I shall continue to keep it that way.

Take care and be safe always everyone.

February 05- Need To Be Loved

Hello again to all my readers,

I know it has been a while since I last posted, but not much has really been happening, so I felt it wasn't worth posting until I really felt the need to. Don't want to bore all of you with mindless gibber jabber while struggling to find something to post about. Anyway, there has been one nagging thing on the back of my mind, however. It's a fear that keeps me searching for someone to fill a void that haunts me day in and day out. This fear is the fear of dying alone and never finding my true companion who will understand my wants and needs as well as the problems I have and be able to accept me completely for everything I like, dislike, and choose to live as. This fear coupled with a subconscious self-destructive thought process seems to leave me alone and desperate.

I am human and need to be loved just like everybody else, but my needs go even further than that. I have to admit that I do have a co-dependency issue that causes me to feel like I cannot survive without someone by my side to be able to be strong enough to carry me through times I cannot go forth on my own limited strengths. This dependency keeps me searching for a mate, but once I find it and things are going well, my self-destructive thoughts tell me that I'm not worthy of the good things given to me because I am a failure and will always be one. Nothing is supposed to be good for me because for most of my life that is how it has been. Things go well for awhile until I begin to find out the person I am with is only using me for money, sex, or just someone to hang out and get drunk with. Out of all the ones I have been with, only one was not like that. Our breakup was mainly due to the first appearing of my self-destructive side.

How can one change something that is happening subconsciously? If a person can't tell when it is happening, there is no way to stop it from happening. Someone you are with can easily lie and say they are not doing what you think they are, so it would be up to you to decide to believe them or not, but what if you choose wrongly? Where are all the ones who love, give, understand, and accept freely without expecting anything but the same from you? What happened to those who don't care what your interests are but still try to be a part of them or at least give you some space to do what you enjoy on your own as long as you give them the same respects?

There are very few of the type I seek, and as years go by, they become all the more lesser. I fear I will never get lucky enough to find such a person and will end up dying tragically on my own. I wish I knew what kind of impact I have on people who do read this blog if any. As for now, I fear dying without having done anything for the world to remember about me except for all the bad things I have done in my life. I wish I could tell my son and daughter not to make the same mistakes I have made. Don't let others tell you how you can or cannot live. Stand up for how you feel and what you believe and let what others try to program you to feel or believe go in one ear and out the other. It's okay to get angry, but do not let that anger control you and make you into something you are not. Learn to keep an open mind to anyone who is different in anyway. Dress how you feel comfortable dressing no matter what anyone else says against it. Do not try to force others to live as you do, nor should you let anyone do the same to you. Do not trust people who say they can take care of you when you see they cannot even care for themselves. Look out for yourself first and foremost, then help others with what you have left if it is within your means. These are only just a few words of advice I can think of. One piece of advice comes from the character Morpheus in the movie "The Matrix". "I can only show you the door, but it is up to you to go through it." What it means is to guide people in the right direction, but never force them to choose that direction. It is on them if they choose not to go the way you showed them, and any bad consequences that befall them are left on their own judgement.

We all need to be loved. It's human nature to seek out someone who will fill this need. I'm just tired of finding love in all the wrong places that turn out to be the wrong kind of love. There are several types of love. There's love you give to everyone just for them being a person, love you give to family, love you give to friends for being your friend, love you give to your significant other, and love given to you by people who only want something from you. The last type of love is one many deny as love. They'll try to tell you that it isn't love if someone only wants to use you to get something they want, but I do see it as a form of love that I call a user's love or false love, but it is still love nonetheless. The reason it is still love because the person who target you must have had some kind of attraction to you in order to be able to choose you as a target. Attraction is not love, but it does go hand in hand. For love to begin, an attraction to someone has to take place first no matter what type of attraction it may be. How can someone love someone they are not attracted to? After the attraction is formed to you by the user, then they continue to stick by you if you can keep giving them what they are trying to get. Love of your giving them what they are seeking then develops. Love does not always have to be love of another person. It can be love of money, love of physical looks, love of objects, or love of positive actions a person becomes attracted to hence making a false love still love all the same. Most of the love I've gotten in my life has been false love, which is why I continue to doubt myself deserving anything but false love, so when true love comes my way, I become uncomfortable subconsciously and start becoming paranoid and seeing demons where there are none. My mind begins seeking every small thing that will show me that I am getting false love and need to get out of it. I need someone who loves me enough to not only put up with me when I get that way, but also be strong enough to figure out a way to keep me from destroying that love without leaving me or allowing me to leave them. Am I seeking for too much? Is there anyone out there who can fill all the profile of my perfect match that I have given throughout this post? Will I ever finally find true love and be able to hold on to it? So many questions without answers. Take care and be safe always everyone.

January 11- All About Intimacy

Hello once again to all my readers,

I was watching the news yesterday and Jerry Springer this morning, and these two TV programs brought up something good to talk about today. That good thing was intimacy. What is intimacy? How do you define intimacy? Who has rights to tell someone who they can or cannot be intimate with? How is one defined by who they are intimate with? Questions like these are excellent questions to ask, I believe. The reason I say they are because not too many really know the answers. I, myself, am no expert and only go based on my own thoughts and feelings on how I respond to the questions.

First, the news program had a preacher that is preaching the importance of sex in a relationship. From what I gathered from his speech, he feels having more sex in a marriage creates more intimacy. I ask, how can sex and having more of it in any relationship define how much intimate a person is with the other? To me, sex is not at all important in order for there to be intimacy, and having more sex does not mean more intimacy. Don't get me wrong, sex is good, but not to the point where it overshadows the entire relationship. Sex does not define intimacy in my eyes, and having more sex does not create more intimacy between two people. If that were the case, why are there people who have sex for money or people who cheat on there partners but only to have one night stands with another person with no intimacy with this other person involved. Based on my own views, I would say this preacher is a false profit preaching the devil's work and not that of the higher power I believe in.

This brings me to what I consider intimacy to be. Intimacy to me is a strong bond between two people who have mutual strong feelings toward each other. These feelings do not necessarily have to be developed through sex. It can be developed by just having hung out with each other, gotten to know each other, have the same interests shared with each other, or just the pleasure of each other's company. Once this intimacy is formed, sex then may be added, but it is not sex that creates more intimacy. There are still people out there that have sex without having intimacy with anyone they have sex with as escorts and prostitutes do as well as those who have one night stands and don't care to have lasting relationships. Are these sexual encounters an example of intimacy? I think not. Having sex does not mean the two are intimate with each other, so having more does not mean becoming more intimate.

Now, on Jerry Springer, they had a woman who had been dating men almost all her life, and she experimented one time with a woman. After deciding she did not enjoy being with a woman, the woman she had experimented with continued calling her a lesbian just because she had sex with a woman. Question, who has the right to label anyone's sexuality in the first place? No one except ourselves. Second question, how does an experiment with the same sex "make" someone gay or lesbian? It doesn't. No one can be "made" gay or bi or lesbian. This is a common misconception from those not in the LGBT community. One is BORN gay, bi, lesbian, or transgender. No one can just "turn" or be "made" that way. During birthing process, things happen to have a baby born already wired with attractions toward either members of the same sex, members of opposite sex, or members of either sex. There are some even born with NO attractions to either sex. Transgender happens when the baby is born with feelings of being a gender not defined by labels already set by society as a whole. Male or Female were the only two labels set in the past until all the labels now under the transgender umbrella were discovered. Still, all those labels are not one that a person "just becomes". They all are born this way. The way a person is born is one of the determining factors, along with those already mentioned, of whom they form an intimate relationship with. Just because they experiment outside of how they were born does not mean they have become gay or lesbian or even bi. However, it is possible a person born with gay tendencies to go against their genetic makeup until they experiment and find that it is what they were really born like. In other words, a person can be born bisexual and go against this by only having straight or gay relationships, but sooner or later they will have to give in to the original birth makeup as they struggle being attracted to both and not just one or the other. After giving in, it may appear this person has "gone" bi, but truth is they were born that way. The same is for a person born gay or lesbian and trying to go against this by dating only opposite sex. With a transgender, they are born either male or female, but somehow the birthing process screwed up somewhere and produced a baby that looked male or female, but inside has traits of the exact opposite. With either testosterone or estrogen levels never fully developing correctly or whatever the case may be, you end up with a baby such as this. The transgender label further divides into several different categories. Transsexual, transvestite, and cross-dresser are just a few of them. With a transsexual, a boy or girl feels like a girl or boy inside and may or may not seek reassignment surgery in order to live their life as what they feel they really are. A transvestite is a male or female that wears the opposite genders clothing only for the sexual attractions of such way of dressing but yet stay true to the gender they were born. A cross-dresser is a male or female that wears opposite gender clothing either because they feel they are the opposite gender but only wish to be this gender once in a while for whatever period of time they wish to be so or to put on shows for money or fun. A cross-dresser can also be placed under either the transsexual or transvestite depending on their true reasons behind cross-dressing. To me, cross-dressers who do it for sexual reasons can be labeled transvestites, and those doing it because they feel they are the gender of the clothing they wear can be thrown in with transsexuals. Those who do it for a show are just plain cross-dressers. If one were to really get technical, the labels cross-dressing transsexual and cross-dressing transvestite can be rightly added in order to sort out all those listed under the cross-dresser category. However, I am now back to my original question of who has the right to label anyone under anything? It does not matter what society labels you as, but rather it is what you label yourself as that truly defines what you are.

In closing, sex is not intimacy, intimacy is not created by sex but rather by the attractions guided from birth, shared interests, or how well the time is that is spent together, no one can just "turn" or "be made" to have attractions that create intimacy toward one gender or the other because it is only how we are born that mainly guides us in such a way, and no one but you has the right to label who and what you are. Take care and be safe always everyone.

January 09- What's The Deal?

Hello again to all my readers,

I was watching Maury today as I do everyday with Tim, and I noticed a slight difference than what I normally see. Normally I see guys getting accused of cheating and the crowd booing at first until the guy is proven innocent, but this time there was a woman who was being accused and the crowd was actually clapping and awing for her until it was proven she was cheating. What's going on here? Why do people cheer for the women being accused and boo for guys before even finding out if they are guilty of what they are being accused of?

I asked Tim this very question, and he responded that because most the men shown on the show are guilty and not the women. I don't beg to differ, but I will argue that it is wrong to boo or look down on someone accused without first knowing for sure they did what they were accused of just because the majority of them are found guilty. That's called generalizing. This means that just because one or more men or women are a certain way along with doing certain things, talking a certain way, dressing a certain way, etc., then every single man or woman is generally the same even if they are not. 98% should not be the judging factor of the other 2% period.

This brings me to the topic of letting lie detector tests prove our guilt or innocence. I can't trust a lie detector test for the simple reason that it can either be fooled or it can fool you. It can be fooled because all it tests is the heart rate, nerves, and brain stimulation when asked a question. In order to actually pass even when lying, all one has to do is get the brain focused on something else such as pain. Once the brain is more focused on that, then when asked a question it will not be able to send the normal messages to the rest of the nervous system including the heart it would when lying or being honest and your body would remain calm enough to fool the test into showing truthful answers the whole time. The test could also fool you in that for someone like me who has anxiety issues, the responses that a lie detector would register as false would always be so even when you are telling the truth. The reason for this is because someone with anxiety issues is naturally a very nervous person and is subject to their heart racing when in times of anxiety. Just having to take the test to prove one's innocence is enough to make a naturally nervous person nervous enough to fail a lie detector test even if they are telling the truth. Also, take into effect yes or no questions that maybe the person taking the test does not know the definite yes or no to. They would of course, knowing they have to give one or the other, go based on what they do know, but either way it could turn out as lying because their brain cannot register a yes or a no making either answer a lie. Even experts that run the tests say that it is only 95-97% accurate. That still leaves 5-3% chance it can be wrong, but no one focuses on that fact. However, there are many states that no longer allow a lie detector test to be admissible in court as evidence because of the facts that have been proven showing how a lie detector test can actually be imperfect enough to send an innocent person to jail and a guilty one to be set free. There has been reports that even the experts can be off on the percentage of accuracy of the test, and that the percentage of the test's failures is a little higher than they want to admit to. Simple fact is, even with a lie detector test, don't just assume because the person failed they are guilty. Wait until actual physical evidence is given that cannot be denied as written in stone to judge. Take care and be safe always everyone.

January 08- Choice, Self-worth, and Fear

Hello again to all my readers,

I've been doing a lot of thinking since my last post. Things I've watched and having chats with people I know has sparked a lot of wonder and new ideas to think about. Today, I will cover choice and what leads us to choosing what we choose, my own insecurities about self-worth, and the fears I have when it comes to seeking new relationships.

First, let me begin with choice. Many people say that we all should just accept responsibility for the choices we make in life without making excuses, but what really bugs me is that to me, no one just chooses something "just because". I feel there is always a reason behind which choice we make in life when choosing between one choice or the other. Is the reason behind the choice an excuse, though? To me, an excuse is more like not doing being able to do one thing because of something else that came along making it impossible to be able to do it. I don't see finding a reason behind what we choose as an excuse. Yes, we all have to make choices in life, and we have to accept the consequences of our choice we make, but why shouldn't we find a reason behind why we make those choices in order to deal with that reason and try our best not to make bad choices again? If we just sit back and accept our choice as a "just because" choice without getting down to the root of why that choice was made in the first place, we end up making the same bad choice over and over again. The whole definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That also includes making the same choices over and over again, but without finding a reason for the choice we made as well as examining the points of how we made a mistake in the first place, we are all doomed to repeating the same chain each time we come to a choice that is similar to the one before while in our own minds thinking it will be different than before. We make mistakes, and then we have to look at these points: 1. What choice did we make? 2. What was the outcome of our choice? 3. Why did we choose what we did? 4. How can we avoid making the same choice again in order to not make the same bad outcome come about?

Now, I want to talk about my insecurities and how I view my own self-worth. I was talking with Joy, one-half of the husband and wife roommates I live with, and she brought up a good point about how the importance of loving myself effects the way people end up loving me. "If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you?" she had asked. I had to stop and ponder this, but deep down I know she is right. I don't love myself. I look in the mirror and cut myself down. I feel I look ugly, fat, too meek, pathetic, immature and nerdy. This is not including how much I wish to look in the mirror and see a not too thin and not too fat beautiful woman staring back at me instead of this ugly repulsive thing I see before me every time. Still, I can fix the weight, but the rest I absolutely hate because even if I did lose weight, I don't think I could ever be appealing. I also can't change the fact I was born in a male body, and changing that has its own pros and cons. Thing is, I can change the body, change the sex on just about everything, and even change my name to that of a female, but those who know me as a man already will always see me as just a man along with the government system. There will always be a trail leading back to the fact I was born a male. It doesn't clear my social security number nor the police record I have because of the mistakes I made as a man. Also, it does not mean I will be able to do everything a true woman can unless they figure someway to allow transgenders to be able to reproduce like real women or even have time of the months like a real woman (even though that would be one thing that would be wonderful not to experience). Still, I hate myself because I know that as much as I feel like a female, I'm not and can never become one fully no matter how many surgeries I undergo. I hate myself because I feel unattractive and like someone no one would ever want to be with except as a friend. I know I have a parent/adult baby relationship with a "mommy" in Oklahoma, but it's not like a boyfriend or girlfriend/boyfriend or girlfriend relationship. Even if it was, would either of us feel the same about each other or look at each other the same if we decided to make it that way? This leads in to fears.

On a TV show called The Big Bang Theory, the character, Sheldon, was talking about an experiment with a cat and how different gases affected the cat. The cat was placed in a box and the gases were released. The only way to see if the cat was still alive or dead was to have the scientist open the box. This has a lot to do with setting out to form a relationship with someone because one cannot avoid a relationship due to fear of whether it will work or not until they actually "open the box" (try) and see if the "cat" (relationship) is "alive or dead" (going to work out or not). However, due to how I view myself as mentioned above, this is more harder than it sounds. I always fear that when I go out, people see me as I see myself or worse and would never want a person like me except for some underlying reason such as for money, sex, or just a drug or drinking buddy, so I have issues with even trying. I can go out among people and be in small crowds, but I just stick to myself and hide in the shadows so to speak. I can't bring myself to actually make the first move except to say hello and nod my head or wave to acknowledge those I pass by. After that, I usually leave the other person to strike up something to talk about. I hardly ever get into someone else's conversation unless they talk about something I can relate to so that I don't sound stupid trying to talk about a subject I know nothing about, but yet begin to talk too much when the subject is finally one of my level. I go from one extreme to another too quickly and fear that no one would care for anyone like that. How can I ever bring myself to get over these fears? How can I ever get anyone to accept me and understand me? How can I ever get someone who is not just a spam bot to ever take notice of me in the way I want to be noticed? I guess it may just be the truth that I will go to my grave without ever finding that one true love due to my own faults, fears, and hatred of my own self. Take care and be safe always everyone.

January 03- Bonus Post

Here's a treat for all my readers,

Every now and then I have a day where something new I have to talk about comes up after posting for the day. Today is one of those days. Something happened to me after posting what I already posted. I went to Wal-Mart to purchase some much needed items and following is exactly what occurred.

Being a low-price shopper, I always try to buy the cheapest of the item I am out to get. I had to get jeans, so I searched for the cheapest price advertised. However, after checking out, I check my receipt to find I was charged two dollars more on each pair that I had bought. I went to customer service to point this out and was told that because I bought the extended sizes, they charge 2 dollars more for each. I then argued that it was not made known on the shelf that this would be the case, but the lady swore it was. I decided to go check again, and saw the notice on only one brand type and not all of them. I went back and pointed this out as well only to be told that all of them adhere to that even if it is not made known on all of them. Needless to say, I did not get the money returned to me.

There are two things about this whole incident that really sets me off. The first thing is that if it is not made know clearly that ALL jeans are 2 dollars extra for each extended size, then one should NOT be charged more than the advertised price. The second thing is the simple fact of even charging more for extended sizes. Why should a big and tall person have to pay more for the same type jeans that a regular person buys just because they are big and tall? To me, this is outright discrimination against those who are taller and bigger than others. Jeans and shirts should always be one price for ALL people no matter the size or shape. This just appears to be a slap in the face of the big and tall by the society of slim and trim people.

Anyway, that is my extra rant for the day. Once again take care and be safe always everyone.

January 03- What The Hell Am I talking About?

Hello once again to all my readers,

As you look through all my posts, you notice how I keep mentioning society as a whole. Of course there may be confusion as to what I actually mean by that phrase. I intend today to go into depth of what I am actually talking about when I say that. First, I have one more thing to mention about how society as a whole is stuck on stupid.

Today I was watching a new news broadcast called Eye Opener. I was so disgusted by how they have now even made the news stupid just to attract viewers. Why? Because society as a whole is so stuck on stupid that the people who made the news program decided that the only way to get enough ratings was to throw in a bunch of stupidity in the midst of telling the news because society as a whole seems to be drawn more to stupidity.

In order to accurately define society as a whole, I need to break it down to what society is. A society is a group of people who act the same, dress the same, think the same, and do everything just alike. We live in a world where we not only have just one society, but millions of them. Each society has their own views of what is right, wrong, normal, and real. Sometimes those societies clash with one another and fight over the right to say that it is their views that are the most correct and logical. Sometimes, however, they come together in agreement with certain things. It is these things that bring them together to create society as a whole.

When this happens, others who still disagree are cast out of the society as a whole and are forced to search for a new society to join that is more open to their beliefs and actions. The degree of ease in doing this depends on how many more there out there that do agree. Sometimes it is next to impossible, and others it can be found with the greatest of ease.

Gender societies, fetish societies, lifestyle societies, religious societies, and political societies are just a few of the different branches of society as a whole that are out there, and I feel the one that is most difficult to belong to is a fetish society since each individual has their own view on what fetish is natural or normal. Having many fetishes to choose from makes it even harder as the fetish society is further divided when one type may see any other to be disgusting and just plain sick. This leaves very few left who all believe in the same exact things. Dividing it even further is when one is actually into two different fetishes that may or may not combine with the other main one that they enjoy. Going even further is when one person who does the things that would be considered a fetish but is actually an uncontrollable action they partake of due to something mentally programmed in their mind since childhood or having other reasons other than intimate ones. The second next hardest is the gender societies even though most of them are open to any of the many gender types there are out there due to the reason of there being many branches of gender in this world. With so many gender labels, it is hard to find just the right one.

Take me, for instances, I am in a male body, but, as I have mentioned many times in previous posts, since the age of 12 have felt more like a female. However, I feel that should I go through with a surgery to realign my body with the way I feel, I may find that it was just a feeling and not the actual truth. Then, I would regret having a surgery that cannot be reversed, so I just dress like a female when I feel like it. Now, this can place me in just the cross-dresser gender category or still the transsexual category. The one that I get labeled with would vary depending on which society is doing the labeling. Still, I feel the label should be on myself to place upon me even though I am confused myself as to what to say I am. The way I see it, I'm a cross-dressing transsexual. Yet, though some may actually be okay with it, most of society as a whole would say you can't be both. You can only be one or the other. Why? Because society as whole is only comfortable when they can place someone in only one category. Anything contrary to that destroys their comfort zone because it would be too confusing for them. Society as a whole hates confusion because they fear confusion and hate what they fear. Fear is only caused by the unknown that they choose to fight against instead of trying to make known.

Another shining example of me being considered an outcast is the things I not just enjoy, but feel right doing. I'm talking about the adult baby and diaper lover thing. Society as a whole already finds these two concepts as unnatural and sick, but what they fail to see in me is that the adult baby part is not a fetish but rather either a mental programming or a way my subconscious self handled the way I grew up. Now I realize that many people have had childhoods maybe even worse than mine, but each individual handles hardships differently than the next. For me, it just seems that my child self got mentally stuck while my outer body grew. This split me mentally to having to act adult in public while mentally there's a part of me that is still 1 to 3 years old. This mental part sometimes takes control with or without my knowledge. I just decided to become an adult baby in an effort to balance the two halves of my inner psyche and decrease the times of not knowing I have regressed and knowing I willfully have allowed myself to regress. The diaper lover part of me is a minor part that came about just because for one reason or another diapers turn me on. I don't know why, and to try and figure out why would be exhausting. Either way, society as a whole once again does not understand or know much about adult babies or diaper lovers much less one who is both. They don't understand, so they hate and fight against it because it destroys their comfort zone of what they already are knowledgeable about. As they gain more knowledge about things, they become more comfortable with it until something new and unknown comes along. Because of these actions, society as a whole will always be fighting against one thing or another.

One day, I hope that this fighting will stop, but it would be a miracle if it did. My final thought on this is that no matter what you do, no matter how you dress, no matter what you feel or think, and no matter what society as a whole does or does not approve of, live for yourself and not for someone else because living for someone else means you are living their life and not your own. Take care and be safe always everyone.

January 2, 2012- The World And All Its Idiocies Revealed

Hello again to all my readers,

It's the new year once again and yet we wonder why has not much changed over the years. Surprisingly much has changed, but not for the better. Instead of thoughts, ideas, and actions moving forward with the change of time, much has actually gone backwards. Sure we have had many new technological breakthroughs, but when you look at society as a whole, one begins to see how much regression has taken place in the views, opinions, and disarray in the thought processes of society as a whole.

Take our commercials for instance, if you were to see one commercial that was straight and to the point without any eye-catching gimmicks and then one with something stupid like hamsters that can drive a car and dance, which one would most likely make you want to go buy the product advertised? You can lie and say the straight forward one, but honestly the more stupid a commercial is the more people are drawn to go get it. Society is stuck on stupid.

Take gambling now. In a bingo hall, children under 21 are allowed to play, but are they allowed in a casino? No. Isn't gambling still gambling by any other name? You pay money to win money at bingo just like at the casino, so what is the difference? The difference in most halls is no alcohol is sold, but there are still some that do sell it. Society is stuck on stupid.

Now let's look at laws of our great nation. Some laws are made by each state while some are made for the entire country. However they have some states with stupid laws that make absolutely no sense. In one state, you can get a ticket for pumping your own gas. Another, you get a ticket for smoking outside whereas smoking inside is okay. Society is stuck on stupid.

Getting into society's views on people you find that there is stupidity. Views on a person's character has changed dramatically. Back in the day the good ol' boy or girl was the first choice of women or men. The less tarnished you were, the more likely you were to get the girl or boy. This where many of the old movies got the idea of the hero always gets the girl. Today it's the villain to always get the girl or boy. The more times a man's been in jail, the seriousness of their crime, and the more powerful of the person they committed it against the more likely a man will get the girl since women these days all want someone whom they know to be a bad ass just to have something to brag about to other women. This is not to mention tattoos. Guys and girls dig girls and guys with tattoos. The more tattoos, the better a guy or girls chances. Not all are like that, but most of them are. Society is stuck on stupid.

Looking at the paragraph above showing the good points of being a bad ass, let's now focus on the bad. The more of a bad ass you are, the less likely you are to get a job. Also, if you were a bad ass in the past, you will always be seen as a bad ass even though it may have been 20 years ago and you had truly changed since then. Once a bad ass, always a bad ass in the eyes of society.

Society as a whole has their comfort zone encased by what they feel is normal based on their idea of what should be or shouldn't be. When you go outside their box and create your own shield of reality that is different than theirs, you crash their encasing and encroach upon their comfort zone. Not having knowledge of the way you see reality, they shun or attack it before at least trying to understand it. They're quick to tell you that what you are doing is not right or is sinful or even insane and unrealistic. To you it is, but they don't even care to truly get to the root of what makes someone the way they are. They just want you to give up your reality and follow theirs like mindless zombies. Society thinks we live in one world, but in reality we live in as many worlds as we have people living under this one sky. I say that because each individual has their own ideas of what is normal. This idea of what is normal allows them to form their own sense of what is real creating a different reality for that person. Then that reality the individual created, allows that person to see a whole different world than the one we see before us. Now you have each person living on Earth honestly living in a whole different world from each other.

I have a question for you, everyone seems to be scared of making a choice they would feel more comfortable with because society may not think it normal, but if society choose one day to say jumping off the Empire State Building and committing suicide was normal and those who didn't do it were freaks, nerds, weird, and to be shunned, would you choose to follow society and lose your life, or choose to go by your own idea of normal that created your own world with a world and still be alive? Next time you are faced with guilt of what society would think, think of that question and then do your thing. Don't live in society's world, but live every day in your own world. Take care and be safe always everyone.