December 12- Time For Some Honesty Of My Own

I am always trying to get people to be honest with me. I have faced many trials and tribulations with people who have lied to me. I know the pain that comes with finding the truth eventually.
The thing is, as much I hate a liar, I now have come to realize that I am no better than everyone else who has lied to me. The reason I say this is because I have not been honest with myself and with the whole adult baby community. I started by telling the other adult babies that I started the life because I just loved being a baby even as an adult. Then, I got to telling them that I wanted to re-live my babyhood so that I could find the parental love I missed out on during my first time around. This was only a half-truth, but even half-truths are lies. This is going to be hard for me to do, and after knowing I lied, no one may believe this as truth either. This is usually how it is when someone has lied to someone else for so long. No one knows anymore what the real truth is. I do need to get this out, however. It's up to my readers to believe me now, but I am tired of lying. I want to stop being so hypocritical by preaching to others something I myself have not been doing. This is the actual truth.
About the same time I recognized the feelings of being a girl and not a boy, I also began to notice there were times that I found myself thinking and acting like a child. The age was never the same but always younger than what I actually was. I had trouble getting along with children my own age due to some unexplained discomfort when with them. I did find myself more comfortable with children younger than me. It was with them that whatever age they were, I found myself thinking and acting like that age. My mind automatically regressed and I at that time was in fact their age even though only mentally.
You can almost understand my fears when I first recognized this right along with the feelings of being a girl in a boy's body. Just trying to get someone to understand that I was a girl in a boy's body in those days was enough to get you locked up in the mental ward and popped with pills that would make you a zombie. There was no way I was going to tell anyone about these moments of uncontrollable regression. Instead, I just tried to find a way to cure myself without anyone knowing. I was doing quite well until the people who had adopted me had a baby of their own.
I had been watching a commercial of a baby being cared for by a daddy. I woke up not knowing I had fallen asleep and I had a baby bottle full of milk in my hands and one of my brothers diapers being held up by my underwear I was wearing over it. I instantly fell in love with the feel of the diaper, but the bottle thing had scared me. I kept that incident to myself but began sneaking diapers from my brother's room after everyone was asleep to wear in my underwear at night. When I started working at Wal-Mart when I was 17, I was first introduced to adult diapers and began to sneak some home with me each pay day. I got caught several times by Cheryl and was told not to do it again. George of course used my wearing diapers as an excuse to punish me like a child in the corner in front of anyone that would come to the house. He never went as far as making me wear them in public, but just the humiliation of being 17 and standing in the corner was embarrassing enough.
All this time, I was still having issues with uncontrollable regression and not knowing how to stop it. It wasn't until I was 19 when I found Diaper Pail Friends and learned about the adult baby and diaper lover fetish. I read up on it and came with an idea that maybe if I got myself in with them, they could teach me a way to lock it away forever by showing me first how to keep it under control. Becoming an adult baby to me was a tool to use to finally suppress that tendency to regress. It was not intended to allow it to come out but more as a way to learn to keep it in once and for all. That is where the lies began. I lied to get inside the world that I thought would be my cure. Then, I had to keep lying to stay on the inside. I grew to learn how to control it more and more. To this day, I can keep it in a lot more. I still have not learned how to keep it inside when interacting with children. The only way I do that now is to just stand back and be a watcher and not one to play along. It's so hard though because even watching them I can feel the child mentality of my mind just wanting to break free and go play.
With all that said, I know what I have to do. I will never be able to fully control the regression. It will always be there. I know how it got there, and so do those who have been reading my blog here. There's three things I need to happen in my life for me to be complete. One: I need to become the girl I am inside. Two: As much as it pains me, I have to stop suppressing the child mentality in order to let it grow. Three: I need a soulmate who has an understanding of my problems, will always accept and love me for all my flaws, and take care of me when I am most vulnerable when I do allow myself to fully regress.
There's the truth everyone. I am not an adult baby. I am a diaper lover, bisexual, and a male to female transgender, but I only want a cure for the regression and not to live a life with regression. I'm sorry I have lied all these years. I can't keep lying to myself and everyone especially if I don't want others lying to me.