December 31- Somebody Save Me

"Somebody save me. Let your warm hands break right through. Somebody save me. I don't care how you do it, just stay. I've been waiting for you. Stay." the words to the Smallville theme song ring in my ears right now as I feel as though my heart has been ripped from out of my chest. I do wish somebody were here to save me. Still who can protect me when the person I need to be protected from is myself? Who would care enough to do that? I don't know anymore.
I'm glad Tiff has stepped up to be the mother I knew all along she could be and has her son back with her to start her new year off right, but I can't help but feel like I have lost everything as the silence becomes deafening without him here with me. I look to his bed, and finding it empty, I fight back tears that want so badly to be released, but I cannot. It would feel like I am showing weakness, and I have to be strong because through weakness comes pain and agony. I can't take any more pain and suffering.
I've never had a chance to be weak even as a child. Every time I thought it was safe to show at least a little weakness, someone used that to hurt me whether physically, emotionally, or mentally, but never spiritually. Now, I feel as though even my spirit has been crushed. I had to harden myself at a young age, and it would take a miracle to reverse the damage. I know in order for any healing to begin, I must first allow myself to be weak, but who can I trust to protect me from harm? Who is strong enough to break me down to erase the mental programming that says I have to be strong and protect myself? Who can help me to achieve the point I know I must get to for healing to begin? Not even our creator has had luck in doing that. Our creator has thrown every obstacle in my way to try and get me to show weakness and to rely on him or her (however you see our creator), but it has only furthered my hardness. If our very own creator cannot, who can? Maybe our creator has not succeeded because I have not allowed him or her to. I'm too afraid to be hurt again and do not know who to trust to allow myself to be weak to anymore. I don't know who will not take advantage of my weakness in order to cause me more pain and suffering.
I know my son is not gone from me forever, but it will take time to adjust to him not being here right now. Still, I wish him, Tiff, Theo, their families, and my family here online the very best New Year. Wherever the road may lead for all of you, may you find peace, love, joy, and good will at the end. Take care and be safe always everyone. Forgive me if you don't hear from me in a long time as I will most likely be attempting to adjust the best way I know how.