December 26- More Questions Than Answers

Today is the day after Christmas. I sure hope all my readers had a good Christmas. For those that didn't, I feel for you. I myself had a rather disappointing one. I had no actual family to celebrate it with. Leonie and his son where pretty much gone all Christmas Eve leaving my son, my dad, and me by ourselves. Then yesterday it rained almost all morning long making it rather dreary. The only thing that sort of good happened was a call from my sister, Christine Bordelon. She and I talked, and I told her about things I felt inside and made plans for her to come over today. I thought with her visit I could clear some things up, but this was not the case.
We first let my son open up his gifts that he got from her, Cheryl and Eric Cunningham, Ian Bordelon, Crystal Pitre, and Eric's family. I also got some candy, cheese, a sausage log, and some kind of mint candy from Eric's family. I got some cash, gingerbread, and fudge from Cheryl, Eric, and Ian as well as a card.
After gifts, I felt it was time to start getting things off my chest. I didn't know whether to start off with how I felt about people who refused to accept what I was, to talk about why I was refusing to let my son go to Cheryl's house to see his half-sister, Justice Faith Bordelon, try to clear the air and get at least what truth Christine knew about what was being said with Tiff and Crystal, tell her how I felt about things going down here, or to come right out with the big guns of why no one ever stood up for me with all the hell I went through growing up. I figured it was best not to bring the big guns to go straight to the heart of the problem of why I was hurting so much right away. That way, I could wear her down. I started with trying to clear the air and get some truth. According to her, Tiff was indeed invited to Austin's 2nd year birthday party. That was all she really knew, so then we moved to why I refused to let my son go to Cheryl's house. She, of course denied that there was any plot to take my son, but I don't know. Actions do speak louder than words, and my son's actions told me something way different than what they wish to admit. No answers there. At least talking about the things going on here, she agreed it isn't right for Leonie to be doing this to me and need to get out as soon as possible. It still didn't help when we began discussing how I could make that happen. When her about how the government gets people who rely on them to pretty much be stuck relying on them, she got some information of her own she was amazed to discover. Didn't help me accept for her agreeing that there is no way that the cost of living could not have gone up. She said, "The whole government is all about one big conspiracy if you ask me." I have to agree with her due to what I have seen of our government over the years. As for people accepting what I was, she first said she was worried about Austin being made to see the things I do, but I told her I never do it around him. I also told her that I do want him to learn how to accept people for any differences they may have. She then told me she accepts me but does not accept talking about what I am because she does not agree with it. To me that is like saying she does not accept me because she does accept what I am. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.
Then came the big guns. I didn't know how to approach the subject, but I worked up the courage and finally just came out with it and asked her why she nor Cheryl never stood up for me when George was abusing me. I told her about all the times he abused me that I mentioned in one of my introduction posts. One time she didn't know about was the incident when he asked me to smack Cheryl in the head and what happened when I did finally do as he asked. She remembered the incident where I was punished for being a liar which I had not lied in the first place, but she said I was not whipped for a whole month, and I told her I indeed was. I also told her how for that month I had to kneel down whenever I got home from school, do my homework on my knees, eat supper on my knees, and prepare to get the belt when George would come home from work. I then told her about what my cousin, Joan, had told me about being made to kneel down during the whole time in front of everyone at someone's birthday party. She remembered that time as well, but still didn't know whose party it was.
It was then, she had her chance to speak. What she said took me by surprise and put more questions on my mind than I really needed since it was an event that I seriously do not remember ever happening. Supposedly there was another time when George had tackled me down after I supposedly threatened him with a knife. She said that I was doing something with a knife in the kitchen and George said something that pissed me off. I then stood there, according to her, with the knife in my hand as though contemplating whether to stab him or not. She ended by saying that George got me in a choke hold, held my arm behind my back, and tackled me to the ground after my supposedly refusing to drop the knife. Cheryl was supposedly screaming at George to get off of me while Ian, being a baby, was supposedly screaming his head off scared because he had no clue what was going on. Now, it could be possible this did happen even though I do not remember it at all because there was another time in my life when I actually can not remember for the life of me what happened. The one time was for almost a whole year. It was 2001 after my birthday until April of 2002. Of course, this was one month before I ended up chasing Joshua Blanchard down with the sword and wound up with my knee shot by a cop and in jail. What happened in those months during the period I cannot remember? Did what Christine tell me actually happen? Will I ever get the truth out in the open about Crystal and Tiffany? Will Leonie ever stop treating me like he is? Will life ever stop making me feel like I am just one big joke to our creator and actually cut me some slack by putting a little luck on my side? So many questions with no answers. On that note I end this with a poem I just wrote.

Lost Love

So many questions without answers;
so much I do not know.
Why was this little girl inside
never allowed to grow?

What makes the sun rise and set?
Why do the seasons change?
There are so many things that I
find just a bit too strange.

Why do some days race on
while others drag by so slow?
How come happiness feels but a memory
of a distant time past so very long ago?

Peace is lost and joy is gone;
nothing left but a hollow shell.
It pains my heart to feel that I
have lost the love I once knew so well.