December 4- Paranoia Making Things Difficult

For those that have been reading and to all my friends and family here online, I have to let you all know that I may be spending a few days in the hospital to get my mind at least somewhat back to working order. The paranoia I spoke of in my last blog post has really been taking a toll on me and seems to be getting worse by the day. I find myself looking more and more over my shoulders figuratively speaking for the next attack on me. I don't know who to trust anymore. I don't know who to believe. It seems every time I turn around, there is always someone trying to take my son any way they possibly can even as far as using lies and manipulation to further their goal of truly killing my mind, heart, body, and soul. Even the ones that I should trust, I am having thoughts of paranoia creep in to where I actually conjure scenarios in my mind and see mental images of them taking my son from my cold dead hands. I know this is not healthy for my son since he needs someone who can be able to focus on him. I am doing the best I can with what I have left, but I know I can't hold on much longer before I end up in a kill or be killed mentality like I do when I feel cornered.
Most people wonder why I have so much trouble with my emotions, but obviously it is those ones that do wonder such a thing have not had to live a life of being lied to, being used, being manipulated, and having to lie to themselves just to keep society happy enough not to want to kill you off for not being their damn puppet or robot for that matter. It's not me with the problem. I know I quote a lot of things, but here's another to fit this situation. In the words of Shrek from the movie by that name, "I shut people out not because I hate the world but because the world hates me. They are always judging me by the way I look on the outside and never care to see what I am on the inside."
So what if I look like an adult on the outside; on the inside I am a child that needs loving parents to raise it in the tenderness, affection, and attention it needs to grow. So what if I look like a male on the outside; on the inside I am a female soul just wanting to burst free. So I like things that some people think are weird and creepy, but that does not make me any less of a person who has a damn good heart, generous to a fault, humble, meek, kind, and gentle. They don't know what I went through growing up and don't care to the reason for me doing the things I do. All they care about is finding ways to eliminate me all because I live outside of the box and do things my way even when it means going against the way the wind is blowing. They take my kind and gentle nature as a sign of weakness and exploit it until they have used me to the lowest I can go. Then they strike the death blow figuratively speaking.
If you don't hear from me for a while, then at least now you know where I will be. I just want what is best for my son, and I will give my life to make sure I protect him from the things I went through. For now, I cannot be his protector that I need to be because I don't know anymore who is on my side or who seeks to take my life from me which is what they will have done if they succeed in taking my son from me. I want everyone else out there to take care and be safe always. Until I next write, may you all have sweet dreams and lots of love.