"Somebody save me. Let your warm hands break right through. Somebody save me. I don't care how you do it, just stay. I've been waiting for you. Stay." the words to the Smallville theme song ring in my ears right now as I feel as though my heart has been ripped from out of my chest. I do wish somebody were here to save me. Still who can protect me when the person I need to be protected from is myself? Who would care enough to do that? I don't know anymore.
I'm glad Tiff has stepped up to be the mother I knew all along she could be and has her son back with her to start her new year off right, but I can't help but feel like I have lost everything as the silence becomes deafening without him here with me. I look to his bed, and finding it empty, I fight back tears that want so badly to be released, but I cannot. It would feel like I am showing weakness, and I have to be strong because through weakness comes pain and agony. I can't take any more pain and suffering.
I've never had a chance to be weak even as a child. Every time I thought it was safe to show at least a little weakness, someone used that to hurt me whether physically, emotionally, or mentally, but never spiritually. Now, I feel as though even my spirit has been crushed. I had to harden myself at a young age, and it would take a miracle to reverse the damage. I know in order for any healing to begin, I must first allow myself to be weak, but who can I trust to protect me from harm? Who is strong enough to break me down to erase the mental programming that says I have to be strong and protect myself? Who can help me to achieve the point I know I must get to for healing to begin? Not even our creator has had luck in doing that. Our creator has thrown every obstacle in my way to try and get me to show weakness and to rely on him or her (however you see our creator), but it has only furthered my hardness. If our very own creator cannot, who can? Maybe our creator has not succeeded because I have not allowed him or her to. I'm too afraid to be hurt again and do not know who to trust to allow myself to be weak to anymore. I don't know who will not take advantage of my weakness in order to cause me more pain and suffering.
I know my son is not gone from me forever, but it will take time to adjust to him not being here right now. Still, I wish him, Tiff, Theo, their families, and my family here online the very best New Year. Wherever the road may lead for all of you, may you find peace, love, joy, and good will at the end. Take care and be safe always everyone. Forgive me if you don't hear from me in a long time as I will most likely be attempting to adjust the best way I know how.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
December 26- More Questions Than Answers
Today is the day after Christmas. I sure hope all my readers had a good Christmas. For those that didn't, I feel for you. I myself had a rather disappointing one. I had no actual family to celebrate it with. Leonie and his son where pretty much gone all Christmas Eve leaving my son, my dad, and me by ourselves. Then yesterday it rained almost all morning long making it rather dreary. The only thing that sort of good happened was a call from my sister, Christine Bordelon. She and I talked, and I told her about things I felt inside and made plans for her to come over today. I thought with her visit I could clear some things up, but this was not the case.
We first let my son open up his gifts that he got from her, Cheryl and Eric Cunningham, Ian Bordelon, Crystal Pitre, and Eric's family. I also got some candy, cheese, a sausage log, and some kind of mint candy from Eric's family. I got some cash, gingerbread, and fudge from Cheryl, Eric, and Ian as well as a card.
After gifts, I felt it was time to start getting things off my chest. I didn't know whether to start off with how I felt about people who refused to accept what I was, to talk about why I was refusing to let my son go to Cheryl's house to see his half-sister, Justice Faith Bordelon, try to clear the air and get at least what truth Christine knew about what was being said with Tiff and Crystal, tell her how I felt about things going down here, or to come right out with the big guns of why no one ever stood up for me with all the hell I went through growing up. I figured it was best not to bring the big guns to go straight to the heart of the problem of why I was hurting so much right away. That way, I could wear her down. I started with trying to clear the air and get some truth. According to her, Tiff was indeed invited to Austin's 2nd year birthday party. That was all she really knew, so then we moved to why I refused to let my son go to Cheryl's house. She, of course denied that there was any plot to take my son, but I don't know. Actions do speak louder than words, and my son's actions told me something way different than what they wish to admit. No answers there. At least talking about the things going on here, she agreed it isn't right for Leonie to be doing this to me and need to get out as soon as possible. It still didn't help when we began discussing how I could make that happen. When her about how the government gets people who rely on them to pretty much be stuck relying on them, she got some information of her own she was amazed to discover. Didn't help me accept for her agreeing that there is no way that the cost of living could not have gone up. She said, "The whole government is all about one big conspiracy if you ask me." I have to agree with her due to what I have seen of our government over the years. As for people accepting what I was, she first said she was worried about Austin being made to see the things I do, but I told her I never do it around him. I also told her that I do want him to learn how to accept people for any differences they may have. She then told me she accepts me but does not accept talking about what I am because she does not agree with it. To me that is like saying she does not accept me because she does accept what I am. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.
Then came the big guns. I didn't know how to approach the subject, but I worked up the courage and finally just came out with it and asked her why she nor Cheryl never stood up for me when George was abusing me. I told her about all the times he abused me that I mentioned in one of my introduction posts. One time she didn't know about was the incident when he asked me to smack Cheryl in the head and what happened when I did finally do as he asked. She remembered the incident where I was punished for being a liar which I had not lied in the first place, but she said I was not whipped for a whole month, and I told her I indeed was. I also told her how for that month I had to kneel down whenever I got home from school, do my homework on my knees, eat supper on my knees, and prepare to get the belt when George would come home from work. I then told her about what my cousin, Joan, had told me about being made to kneel down during the whole time in front of everyone at someone's birthday party. She remembered that time as well, but still didn't know whose party it was.
It was then, she had her chance to speak. What she said took me by surprise and put more questions on my mind than I really needed since it was an event that I seriously do not remember ever happening. Supposedly there was another time when George had tackled me down after I supposedly threatened him with a knife. She said that I was doing something with a knife in the kitchen and George said something that pissed me off. I then stood there, according to her, with the knife in my hand as though contemplating whether to stab him or not. She ended by saying that George got me in a choke hold, held my arm behind my back, and tackled me to the ground after my supposedly refusing to drop the knife. Cheryl was supposedly screaming at George to get off of me while Ian, being a baby, was supposedly screaming his head off scared because he had no clue what was going on. Now, it could be possible this did happen even though I do not remember it at all because there was another time in my life when I actually can not remember for the life of me what happened. The one time was for almost a whole year. It was 2001 after my birthday until April of 2002. Of course, this was one month before I ended up chasing Joshua Blanchard down with the sword and wound up with my knee shot by a cop and in jail. What happened in those months during the period I cannot remember? Did what Christine tell me actually happen? Will I ever get the truth out in the open about Crystal and Tiffany? Will Leonie ever stop treating me like he is? Will life ever stop making me feel like I am just one big joke to our creator and actually cut me some slack by putting a little luck on my side? So many questions with no answers. On that note I end this with a poem I just wrote.
So many questions without answers;
so much I do not know.
Why was this little girl inside
never allowed to grow?
What makes the sun rise and set?
Why do the seasons change?
There are so many things that I
find just a bit too strange.
Why do some days race on
while others drag by so slow?
How come happiness feels but a memory
of a distant time past so very long ago?
Peace is lost and joy is gone;
nothing left but a hollow shell.
It pains my heart to feel that I
have lost the love I once knew so well.
We first let my son open up his gifts that he got from her, Cheryl and Eric Cunningham, Ian Bordelon, Crystal Pitre, and Eric's family. I also got some candy, cheese, a sausage log, and some kind of mint candy from Eric's family. I got some cash, gingerbread, and fudge from Cheryl, Eric, and Ian as well as a card.
After gifts, I felt it was time to start getting things off my chest. I didn't know whether to start off with how I felt about people who refused to accept what I was, to talk about why I was refusing to let my son go to Cheryl's house to see his half-sister, Justice Faith Bordelon, try to clear the air and get at least what truth Christine knew about what was being said with Tiff and Crystal, tell her how I felt about things going down here, or to come right out with the big guns of why no one ever stood up for me with all the hell I went through growing up. I figured it was best not to bring the big guns to go straight to the heart of the problem of why I was hurting so much right away. That way, I could wear her down. I started with trying to clear the air and get some truth. According to her, Tiff was indeed invited to Austin's 2nd year birthday party. That was all she really knew, so then we moved to why I refused to let my son go to Cheryl's house. She, of course denied that there was any plot to take my son, but I don't know. Actions do speak louder than words, and my son's actions told me something way different than what they wish to admit. No answers there. At least talking about the things going on here, she agreed it isn't right for Leonie to be doing this to me and need to get out as soon as possible. It still didn't help when we began discussing how I could make that happen. When her about how the government gets people who rely on them to pretty much be stuck relying on them, she got some information of her own she was amazed to discover. Didn't help me accept for her agreeing that there is no way that the cost of living could not have gone up. She said, "The whole government is all about one big conspiracy if you ask me." I have to agree with her due to what I have seen of our government over the years. As for people accepting what I was, she first said she was worried about Austin being made to see the things I do, but I told her I never do it around him. I also told her that I do want him to learn how to accept people for any differences they may have. She then told me she accepts me but does not accept talking about what I am because she does not agree with it. To me that is like saying she does not accept me because she does accept what I am. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.
Then came the big guns. I didn't know how to approach the subject, but I worked up the courage and finally just came out with it and asked her why she nor Cheryl never stood up for me when George was abusing me. I told her about all the times he abused me that I mentioned in one of my introduction posts. One time she didn't know about was the incident when he asked me to smack Cheryl in the head and what happened when I did finally do as he asked. She remembered the incident where I was punished for being a liar which I had not lied in the first place, but she said I was not whipped for a whole month, and I told her I indeed was. I also told her how for that month I had to kneel down whenever I got home from school, do my homework on my knees, eat supper on my knees, and prepare to get the belt when George would come home from work. I then told her about what my cousin, Joan, had told me about being made to kneel down during the whole time in front of everyone at someone's birthday party. She remembered that time as well, but still didn't know whose party it was.
It was then, she had her chance to speak. What she said took me by surprise and put more questions on my mind than I really needed since it was an event that I seriously do not remember ever happening. Supposedly there was another time when George had tackled me down after I supposedly threatened him with a knife. She said that I was doing something with a knife in the kitchen and George said something that pissed me off. I then stood there, according to her, with the knife in my hand as though contemplating whether to stab him or not. She ended by saying that George got me in a choke hold, held my arm behind my back, and tackled me to the ground after my supposedly refusing to drop the knife. Cheryl was supposedly screaming at George to get off of me while Ian, being a baby, was supposedly screaming his head off scared because he had no clue what was going on. Now, it could be possible this did happen even though I do not remember it at all because there was another time in my life when I actually can not remember for the life of me what happened. The one time was for almost a whole year. It was 2001 after my birthday until April of 2002. Of course, this was one month before I ended up chasing Joshua Blanchard down with the sword and wound up with my knee shot by a cop and in jail. What happened in those months during the period I cannot remember? Did what Christine tell me actually happen? Will I ever get the truth out in the open about Crystal and Tiffany? Will Leonie ever stop treating me like he is? Will life ever stop making me feel like I am just one big joke to our creator and actually cut me some slack by putting a little luck on my side? So many questions with no answers. On that note I end this with a poem I just wrote.
Lost Love
So many questions without answers;
so much I do not know.
Why was this little girl inside
never allowed to grow?
What makes the sun rise and set?
Why do the seasons change?
There are so many things that I
find just a bit too strange.
Why do some days race on
while others drag by so slow?
How come happiness feels but a memory
of a distant time past so very long ago?
Peace is lost and joy is gone;
nothing left but a hollow shell.
It pains my heart to feel that I
have lost the love I once knew so well.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
December 22- I've Reached Critical Point and Ready to Explode
One thing I have to say about myself is that I have a very hot temper. In the past, it didn't take much to reach critical point. I had no time to defuse the anger before I would unleash a fury similar to that of an atom bomb going off. I couldn't see any warning signs that told me to hurry up, get to myself, and shut out the entire world so as not to hurt anyone.
Luckily, over the years I have learned how to watch for the warning signs and my temper has not been as quick, but I do still have that same temper when it does finally reach critical. I can hold a lot more back, and when I feel myself ready to explode, I get to myself the best I can. Sometimes I cannot get to myself and bad things happen to me and those around me.
Tonight, I am at the critical point once again. I felt the signs, so I went for a bike ride after getting my dad to watch Austin for me. I thought maybe the ride would cool me down, but it was not enough. Now, as my dad continues to watch Austin, I have holed up in my room with strict orders to my dad to keep an eye on Austin so that he does not end up getting hurt should I get set off by anything and do something I will not be able to control and will regret.
Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I'm not mad at Austin or my dad. Also, it's not that I WANT to do anything to Austin or my dad or anyone for that matter. I ask them to stay away so that I DON'T wind up hurting them. If anyone must really know what caused me to reach critical mass, then go back a few posts to where all the mess started with Crystal Pitre, Cheryl Cunningham, Dorthy "Dee" Klass, and Leonie Aucoin. Every little thing I had to battle through angered me a little more each time. I have been hit left and right since the end of last month and each time I swallowed and bottled my anger up causing layers of rage and fury to be piled one on top of the other. With each new layer my atom bomb was being fueled to critical mass and closer to going off. Tonight, the final blow came when I asked Leonie to take me to Bayou Towers (also know as the High Rise) which is like an apartment complex for the elderly and disabled tomorrow, and he at first said no. I have been trying to apply for a room there so that I can get out once again on my own and leave the stress behind. I first was thinking I would need an actual birth certificate and was going to borrow money from my best friend, David Braden, whom I look to as a brother, but Leonie told me to wait until next week so that we'd go get it. This is always his way of putting off things he really doesn't want to do. Anyway, I called to find out if my birth card would suffice, and they told me it would, so I told Leonie that I had everything I needed and asked if we could go tomorrow. He, of course, immediately said no and that he had a doctor's appointment to go to tomorrow and could not bring me. He then took off to bring his son to town. When he returned, I was already in my room. He came in and told me he would bring me and not to be mad at him. I tried to figure out what changed his mind when he then said he had to bring one of his family members somewhere tomorrow. That asshole was once again going to push me aside for his family until I believe my dad told him how pissed I was. It never fails, he can cancel his appointments for his family, but for something that will help ME, I get cast aside!
I don't know what was said between him and my dad, but I believe he told my dad he was canceling his appointment for his family, and then my dad told him that I would be more pissed than what I was for him doing that, so he came tell me he would bring me. I am a little relieved that he did change his mind, but if the only reason he did was to save his own ass from another tongue lashing or even worse from me, then I am indeed even that more pissed off. I don't give a rat's ass that he said he will bring me. I'm pissed because he was going to use his doctor's appointment to put it off at first, and now even more so because he almost got away with putting me aside for his family yet again had it not been for my dad speaking up on my behalf.
I have to get out of here. The sooner the better because I am seriously so tired of this shit. I am to the point where I am ready to die, but so afraid of death I couldn't bring myself to riding that bike in front of a vehicle and letting it hit me. I thought about it very seriously, but couldn't do it. I have indeed reached critical point and anything right now can cause me to explode.
Luckily, over the years I have learned how to watch for the warning signs and my temper has not been as quick, but I do still have that same temper when it does finally reach critical. I can hold a lot more back, and when I feel myself ready to explode, I get to myself the best I can. Sometimes I cannot get to myself and bad things happen to me and those around me.
Tonight, I am at the critical point once again. I felt the signs, so I went for a bike ride after getting my dad to watch Austin for me. I thought maybe the ride would cool me down, but it was not enough. Now, as my dad continues to watch Austin, I have holed up in my room with strict orders to my dad to keep an eye on Austin so that he does not end up getting hurt should I get set off by anything and do something I will not be able to control and will regret.
Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I'm not mad at Austin or my dad. Also, it's not that I WANT to do anything to Austin or my dad or anyone for that matter. I ask them to stay away so that I DON'T wind up hurting them. If anyone must really know what caused me to reach critical mass, then go back a few posts to where all the mess started with Crystal Pitre, Cheryl Cunningham, Dorthy "Dee" Klass, and Leonie Aucoin. Every little thing I had to battle through angered me a little more each time. I have been hit left and right since the end of last month and each time I swallowed and bottled my anger up causing layers of rage and fury to be piled one on top of the other. With each new layer my atom bomb was being fueled to critical mass and closer to going off. Tonight, the final blow came when I asked Leonie to take me to Bayou Towers (also know as the High Rise) which is like an apartment complex for the elderly and disabled tomorrow, and he at first said no. I have been trying to apply for a room there so that I can get out once again on my own and leave the stress behind. I first was thinking I would need an actual birth certificate and was going to borrow money from my best friend, David Braden, whom I look to as a brother, but Leonie told me to wait until next week so that we'd go get it. This is always his way of putting off things he really doesn't want to do. Anyway, I called to find out if my birth card would suffice, and they told me it would, so I told Leonie that I had everything I needed and asked if we could go tomorrow. He, of course, immediately said no and that he had a doctor's appointment to go to tomorrow and could not bring me. He then took off to bring his son to town. When he returned, I was already in my room. He came in and told me he would bring me and not to be mad at him. I tried to figure out what changed his mind when he then said he had to bring one of his family members somewhere tomorrow. That asshole was once again going to push me aside for his family until I believe my dad told him how pissed I was. It never fails, he can cancel his appointments for his family, but for something that will help ME, I get cast aside!
I don't know what was said between him and my dad, but I believe he told my dad he was canceling his appointment for his family, and then my dad told him that I would be more pissed than what I was for him doing that, so he came tell me he would bring me. I am a little relieved that he did change his mind, but if the only reason he did was to save his own ass from another tongue lashing or even worse from me, then I am indeed even that more pissed off. I don't give a rat's ass that he said he will bring me. I'm pissed because he was going to use his doctor's appointment to put it off at first, and now even more so because he almost got away with putting me aside for his family yet again had it not been for my dad speaking up on my behalf.
I have to get out of here. The sooner the better because I am seriously so tired of this shit. I am to the point where I am ready to die, but so afraid of death I couldn't bring myself to riding that bike in front of a vehicle and letting it hit me. I thought about it very seriously, but couldn't do it. I have indeed reached critical point and anything right now can cause me to explode.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
December 21- Perfect Example of Society's Closed-Mindedness
Okay so I got this picture after viewing a trailer for the new movie "Devil" and clicking to see the website The Devil's Meeting. To me, this just goes to show everyone how society has not become even one step closer to having an open mind about anything at all. Notice the word "Homo" is the first on the list and also how near the bottom left "Effeminate Men" is also listed as types of people who "love the devil". According to Wikipedia, "The term effeminate is most often used by people who subscribe to the conventional view that males should conform to traditional masculine traits and behaviors." That in itself says a lot about society and their closed-mindedness when it comes to gay men and male to female transsexuals such as myself.
Let me first address the words "Homo" and "Effeminate Men" and their connection with types of people who supposedly "love the devil". I believe (and I think I have talked about this before in another blog entry from an earlier date) that we are all born with certain attractions. Some to the opposite gender, some to the same, and some to both. Sigmund Freud believed that we were all born bisexual giving us the ability to get along with both genders, but that society shaped and formed us to where we began to either lean more toward one or the other or remained in between. Some of us chose opposite gender, some the same, and some remained bisexual. Either way you look at it, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender is something we are born with and do not just become that way "all of a sudden". How can we be connected with someone who loves the devil and be condemned for how we are born even if we love, forgive, and do everything else we are told is right minus the attraction part? If this was the case, then someone born this way wouldn't care to do right at all because it wouldn't mean squat even if they did.
Next, I want to bring light once more on an old post I made about Interpreting the Bible. There are so many ways the bible can be interpreted, and it is always in the way that would make others believe what the person interpreting it believes. The bible was not written by God as everyone tries to claim it was. Heck, there was no way of writing way back in the time of Jesus or even when these prophets supposedly wrote it guided by the "hand of God." Even if there was, it was never in English, so someone had to re-write it to translate it into English or any other language that others may speak and read so that they too can be able to understand it. The bible that we have today I will compare to a rumor. A rumor is started when one person says something about someone to someone else and then it gets passed along to others. As it gets passed, things get added or taken away to best suit the person telling it. So it was with the bible. The actual words were spoken and passed down from one generation to the next with things being added and things being taken away as it passed down the line in an effort to get others to believe in whatever the teller believed in until it got written by man later. Then, even after it being written, it has and still is being re-written time and time again to suit the author of the book. No one alive today truly knows what was actually said in the beginning, so to judge someone based on what is written now is foolish.
I believe that we are who and what we are and nothing can change that. We have the right to our own reality. What is my reality, may not be your own. Therefore, what I see as normal based on my reality may not be normal to you based on your own. In my reality, there is a most high power that presents itself to me to be female. There are also lesser high powers that some call angels and some call gods and goddesses. I just call them lesser high powers that are higher than us but still low enough to where they must report to the most high power. Also in my reality, I am a bisexual female that is a true infantilist (not to be confused with the adult baby and can be read about in this website.) with a touch of the diaper lover fetish. There is no one that can judge me based on my own reality and neither should anyone else allow anyone to judge them based on what their reality is. Live strong. Live proud. Live Free. Most of all live in YOUR reality and let others do the same. To those who are, stop condemning us and throwing us in with the true devil worshipers just because our reality is not your own.
Take care and be safe everyone. Remember to always keep an open mind about everything.
Kayden Renee Phoenix (F.K.A. John Wesley Bordelon)
Sunday, December 19, 2010
December 19- Stealing is Still Stealing By Any Other Name
I have had just about enough of what is going on where I live. The hospital incident was going to be the final straw, but I figured I would give one more chance to Leonie Aucoin, the man whom I have lived with for several months now. I have been putting up with him putting my son and I on the side when it comes to his actual family for far too long. I have been dealing with him playing favorites when it came to his son over me and his grandson over my son for way over my limit of allowing someone to do this. Now, I am sick of him stealing from me. I say he is stealing from me because when I allowed him to hold on to my food stamp card, I made it very clear it would be to purchase food for the house and everyone living in it. It would have been okay if he had only bought anything for me extra that I asked for, like drinks, but I did not expect him to be buying drinks for himself off of my food stamps nor did I count on him buying for his family and then keeping the money they gave him to reimburse him for what he bought with MY stamps. Stealing is stealing no matter how you look at it, and using my stamps and not giving me the money his family gives him for the food he purchases on my stamps is STEALING!!!! He's stealing my money that the government gives me to supply my son's food and my food.
I tell you, I really hope that something or someone comes through for me soon to help me out of this god-awful place before I seriously do die from all the stress. Sorry this post is so short, but I'm so angry and do not wish to say anything more that may get a little bit steamy.
I tell you, I really hope that something or someone comes through for me soon to help me out of this god-awful place before I seriously do die from all the stress. Sorry this post is so short, but I'm so angry and do not wish to say anything more that may get a little bit steamy.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
December 18- Heart Troubles
Day before yesterday, I had started having this pain in my chest. It wouldn't go away except for when I stood up or sat up, but it would worsen when laying flat on my back or when taking deep breaths. I first thought it was just gas and it would go away when I went to bed that night, but woke up to find it even worse than the day before. I went to the hospital where they did all kinds of tests to see if I was having any trouble with my heart that would be causing the pain. The EKG came out fine as well as my blood work and my X-ray, so my ribs and heart were okay. The doctor finally came to the conclusion that I had pericarditis, which is the inflammation and swelling of the covering of the heart. The condition can occur in the days or weeks following a heart attack or can also be caused by influenza or any other virus that attacked my respiratory system.
Thing is, I never was sick with any virus prior to my chest pain. I also do not have HIV, which is another rare cause of pericarditis. Of course, I don't recall having had a heart attack either, so after finding out that my condition could have been caused by a heat attack, I did some research on heart attacks and discovered there are three types of attacks a person can suffer from. There is the mild heart attack, severe heart attack, and also a silent heart attack. The differences between mild and severe is very clear to where with a mild one people with them feel little pain to the point where they may not recognize it as a heart attack and with a severe one they feel lots of pain and one would know they are having one. With a silent heart attack, there is no pain or any other symptoms making it hard to tell a person they are having one at all. These I figure can be either mild or severe but would still go unnoticed. "Most heart attacks are caused by a blood clot that blocks one of the coronary arteries. In atherosclerosis, plaque builds up in the walls of your coronary arteries. Occasionally, sudden, significant emotional or physical stress, including an illness, can trigger a heart attack."- excerpts from an article on heart attacks from Medicine Plus
Also from the same site above I discovered that the symptoms of pericarditis after a heart attack are anxiety, chest pain that "May come and go (recur), be sharp and stabbing (pleuritic) or tight and crushing (ischemic), get worse when breathing and may go away when you stand or sit up or move to the neck, shoulder, back, or abdomen", difficulty breathing (shortness of breath), fast heart rate, dry cough, fatigue, fever (more common with second type of pericarditis), general ill feeling, and splinting of ribs (bending over or holding the chest) when breathing. Out of these I was feeling anxiety, chest pain as mentioned above in my first paragraph, difficulty breathing, and fatigue. I'm not sure what it means by bending over or holding the chest because the pain would cause me to do just that, so it could be splinting of the ribs I had as well. This of course lead me to believe that it had to be I had a silent heart attack from all the emotional stress I have indeed been under all this time.
I guess the bottom line is that at least I got the medicine for the pericarditis, so my inflammation will at least be cared for. I just wish they could have been able to tell whether or not I had had a heart attack so that I could get some help to prevent another one, but I don't think heart attacks that occurred several days before and not occurring at the time of testing can be found out. I just have to watch my stress levels and not get overly upset even though getting left at the hospital last night by my ex uncle in-law who once again put me on the side for his family is extremely upsetting since I always have to change my plans whenever he has to run to his family and also since I had cared enough about him when he went into the hospital to go stay the night with him. I am so tired of him doing this to me. I need to move out as quick as possible, but don't where I could go at this time. Hopefully, it won't be long before I can get out on my own and be done with all this.
Thing is, I never was sick with any virus prior to my chest pain. I also do not have HIV, which is another rare cause of pericarditis. Of course, I don't recall having had a heart attack either, so after finding out that my condition could have been caused by a heat attack, I did some research on heart attacks and discovered there are three types of attacks a person can suffer from. There is the mild heart attack, severe heart attack, and also a silent heart attack. The differences between mild and severe is very clear to where with a mild one people with them feel little pain to the point where they may not recognize it as a heart attack and with a severe one they feel lots of pain and one would know they are having one. With a silent heart attack, there is no pain or any other symptoms making it hard to tell a person they are having one at all. These I figure can be either mild or severe but would still go unnoticed. "Most heart attacks are caused by a blood clot that blocks one of the coronary arteries. In atherosclerosis, plaque builds up in the walls of your coronary arteries. Occasionally, sudden, significant emotional or physical stress, including an illness, can trigger a heart attack."- excerpts from an article on heart attacks from Medicine Plus
Also from the same site above I discovered that the symptoms of pericarditis after a heart attack are anxiety, chest pain that "May come and go (recur), be sharp and stabbing (pleuritic) or tight and crushing (ischemic), get worse when breathing and may go away when you stand or sit up or move to the neck, shoulder, back, or abdomen", difficulty breathing (shortness of breath), fast heart rate, dry cough, fatigue, fever (more common with second type of pericarditis), general ill feeling, and splinting of ribs (bending over or holding the chest) when breathing. Out of these I was feeling anxiety, chest pain as mentioned above in my first paragraph, difficulty breathing, and fatigue. I'm not sure what it means by bending over or holding the chest because the pain would cause me to do just that, so it could be splinting of the ribs I had as well. This of course lead me to believe that it had to be I had a silent heart attack from all the emotional stress I have indeed been under all this time.
I guess the bottom line is that at least I got the medicine for the pericarditis, so my inflammation will at least be cared for. I just wish they could have been able to tell whether or not I had had a heart attack so that I could get some help to prevent another one, but I don't think heart attacks that occurred several days before and not occurring at the time of testing can be found out. I just have to watch my stress levels and not get overly upset even though getting left at the hospital last night by my ex uncle in-law who once again put me on the side for his family is extremely upsetting since I always have to change my plans whenever he has to run to his family and also since I had cared enough about him when he went into the hospital to go stay the night with him. I am so tired of him doing this to me. I need to move out as quick as possible, but don't where I could go at this time. Hopefully, it won't be long before I can get out on my own and be done with all this.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
December 12- Time For Some Honesty Of My Own
I am always trying to get people to be honest with me. I have faced many trials and tribulations with people who have lied to me. I know the pain that comes with finding the truth eventually.
The thing is, as much I hate a liar, I now have come to realize that I am no better than everyone else who has lied to me. The reason I say this is because I have not been honest with myself and with the whole adult baby community. I started by telling the other adult babies that I started the life because I just loved being a baby even as an adult. Then, I got to telling them that I wanted to re-live my babyhood so that I could find the parental love I missed out on during my first time around. This was only a half-truth, but even half-truths are lies. This is going to be hard for me to do, and after knowing I lied, no one may believe this as truth either. This is usually how it is when someone has lied to someone else for so long. No one knows anymore what the real truth is. I do need to get this out, however. It's up to my readers to believe me now, but I am tired of lying. I want to stop being so hypocritical by preaching to others something I myself have not been doing. This is the actual truth.
About the same time I recognized the feelings of being a girl and not a boy, I also began to notice there were times that I found myself thinking and acting like a child. The age was never the same but always younger than what I actually was. I had trouble getting along with children my own age due to some unexplained discomfort when with them. I did find myself more comfortable with children younger than me. It was with them that whatever age they were, I found myself thinking and acting like that age. My mind automatically regressed and I at that time was in fact their age even though only mentally.
You can almost understand my fears when I first recognized this right along with the feelings of being a girl in a boy's body. Just trying to get someone to understand that I was a girl in a boy's body in those days was enough to get you locked up in the mental ward and popped with pills that would make you a zombie. There was no way I was going to tell anyone about these moments of uncontrollable regression. Instead, I just tried to find a way to cure myself without anyone knowing. I was doing quite well until the people who had adopted me had a baby of their own.
I had been watching a commercial of a baby being cared for by a daddy. I woke up not knowing I had fallen asleep and I had a baby bottle full of milk in my hands and one of my brothers diapers being held up by my underwear I was wearing over it. I instantly fell in love with the feel of the diaper, but the bottle thing had scared me. I kept that incident to myself but began sneaking diapers from my brother's room after everyone was asleep to wear in my underwear at night. When I started working at Wal-Mart when I was 17, I was first introduced to adult diapers and began to sneak some home with me each pay day. I got caught several times by Cheryl and was told not to do it again. George of course used my wearing diapers as an excuse to punish me like a child in the corner in front of anyone that would come to the house. He never went as far as making me wear them in public, but just the humiliation of being 17 and standing in the corner was embarrassing enough.
All this time, I was still having issues with uncontrollable regression and not knowing how to stop it. It wasn't until I was 19 when I found Diaper Pail Friends and learned about the adult baby and diaper lover fetish. I read up on it and came with an idea that maybe if I got myself in with them, they could teach me a way to lock it away forever by showing me first how to keep it under control. Becoming an adult baby to me was a tool to use to finally suppress that tendency to regress. It was not intended to allow it to come out but more as a way to learn to keep it in once and for all. That is where the lies began. I lied to get inside the world that I thought would be my cure. Then, I had to keep lying to stay on the inside. I grew to learn how to control it more and more. To this day, I can keep it in a lot more. I still have not learned how to keep it inside when interacting with children. The only way I do that now is to just stand back and be a watcher and not one to play along. It's so hard though because even watching them I can feel the child mentality of my mind just wanting to break free and go play.
With all that said, I know what I have to do. I will never be able to fully control the regression. It will always be there. I know how it got there, and so do those who have been reading my blog here. There's three things I need to happen in my life for me to be complete. One: I need to become the girl I am inside. Two: As much as it pains me, I have to stop suppressing the child mentality in order to let it grow. Three: I need a soulmate who has an understanding of my problems, will always accept and love me for all my flaws, and take care of me when I am most vulnerable when I do allow myself to fully regress.
There's the truth everyone. I am not an adult baby. I am a diaper lover, bisexual, and a male to female transgender, but I only want a cure for the regression and not to live a life with regression. I'm sorry I have lied all these years. I can't keep lying to myself and everyone especially if I don't want others lying to me.
The thing is, as much I hate a liar, I now have come to realize that I am no better than everyone else who has lied to me. The reason I say this is because I have not been honest with myself and with the whole adult baby community. I started by telling the other adult babies that I started the life because I just loved being a baby even as an adult. Then, I got to telling them that I wanted to re-live my babyhood so that I could find the parental love I missed out on during my first time around. This was only a half-truth, but even half-truths are lies. This is going to be hard for me to do, and after knowing I lied, no one may believe this as truth either. This is usually how it is when someone has lied to someone else for so long. No one knows anymore what the real truth is. I do need to get this out, however. It's up to my readers to believe me now, but I am tired of lying. I want to stop being so hypocritical by preaching to others something I myself have not been doing. This is the actual truth.
About the same time I recognized the feelings of being a girl and not a boy, I also began to notice there were times that I found myself thinking and acting like a child. The age was never the same but always younger than what I actually was. I had trouble getting along with children my own age due to some unexplained discomfort when with them. I did find myself more comfortable with children younger than me. It was with them that whatever age they were, I found myself thinking and acting like that age. My mind automatically regressed and I at that time was in fact their age even though only mentally.
You can almost understand my fears when I first recognized this right along with the feelings of being a girl in a boy's body. Just trying to get someone to understand that I was a girl in a boy's body in those days was enough to get you locked up in the mental ward and popped with pills that would make you a zombie. There was no way I was going to tell anyone about these moments of uncontrollable regression. Instead, I just tried to find a way to cure myself without anyone knowing. I was doing quite well until the people who had adopted me had a baby of their own.
I had been watching a commercial of a baby being cared for by a daddy. I woke up not knowing I had fallen asleep and I had a baby bottle full of milk in my hands and one of my brothers diapers being held up by my underwear I was wearing over it. I instantly fell in love with the feel of the diaper, but the bottle thing had scared me. I kept that incident to myself but began sneaking diapers from my brother's room after everyone was asleep to wear in my underwear at night. When I started working at Wal-Mart when I was 17, I was first introduced to adult diapers and began to sneak some home with me each pay day. I got caught several times by Cheryl and was told not to do it again. George of course used my wearing diapers as an excuse to punish me like a child in the corner in front of anyone that would come to the house. He never went as far as making me wear them in public, but just the humiliation of being 17 and standing in the corner was embarrassing enough.
All this time, I was still having issues with uncontrollable regression and not knowing how to stop it. It wasn't until I was 19 when I found Diaper Pail Friends and learned about the adult baby and diaper lover fetish. I read up on it and came with an idea that maybe if I got myself in with them, they could teach me a way to lock it away forever by showing me first how to keep it under control. Becoming an adult baby to me was a tool to use to finally suppress that tendency to regress. It was not intended to allow it to come out but more as a way to learn to keep it in once and for all. That is where the lies began. I lied to get inside the world that I thought would be my cure. Then, I had to keep lying to stay on the inside. I grew to learn how to control it more and more. To this day, I can keep it in a lot more. I still have not learned how to keep it inside when interacting with children. The only way I do that now is to just stand back and be a watcher and not one to play along. It's so hard though because even watching them I can feel the child mentality of my mind just wanting to break free and go play.
With all that said, I know what I have to do. I will never be able to fully control the regression. It will always be there. I know how it got there, and so do those who have been reading my blog here. There's three things I need to happen in my life for me to be complete. One: I need to become the girl I am inside. Two: As much as it pains me, I have to stop suppressing the child mentality in order to let it grow. Three: I need a soulmate who has an understanding of my problems, will always accept and love me for all my flaws, and take care of me when I am most vulnerable when I do allow myself to fully regress.
There's the truth everyone. I am not an adult baby. I am a diaper lover, bisexual, and a male to female transgender, but I only want a cure for the regression and not to live a life with regression. I'm sorry I have lied all these years. I can't keep lying to myself and everyone especially if I don't want others lying to me.
Friday, December 10, 2010
December 10- Angels Among Us
A lot of people talk about angels in heaven, but today I want to acknowledge the angels that are here on Earth among us. I know a few of them. I may not know them in person, but through conversations with them and comments they leave on my blog, I feel as though I know them personally. The top two angels I speak of are Wanda of Wanda's Wings and her daughter, Alice (my Second Life Mommy Mistress whom I love like a real life sister). The others are Maryanna_AK (my Utherverse owner and Mama whom I have developed strong feelings for), Shelly_AK (my Utherverse sister), SissyJerry Lemon and Jordan from Second Life, and Sheryl Cotten (my real sister by blood).
When everyone else turned their back on me, these angels gave me love, lots of support, and words of encouragement. I wish there was a better way to honor these angels that I have in my life because I think without them along with my son who is an angel all his own, I would not be strong enough to continue living. I admit the light of my golden heart has dimmed profoundly from me having to build a wall around it to protect it from getting crushed even worse than it has been all my life. Still, these angels and their golden hearts add light to my own and together we concur the darkness of the evil around us. Thank you all for being a part of my life. No matter what happens from now until my leaving this world, I will never forget any of you. Much love from me to all of you this holiday season. It sure would be nice to one day get to have all of you together with me as one big family beyond the cyber world that I met all of you in. Because I know you all, I believe in angels that are among us.
When everyone else turned their back on me, these angels gave me love, lots of support, and words of encouragement. I wish there was a better way to honor these angels that I have in my life because I think without them along with my son who is an angel all his own, I would not be strong enough to continue living. I admit the light of my golden heart has dimmed profoundly from me having to build a wall around it to protect it from getting crushed even worse than it has been all my life. Still, these angels and their golden hearts add light to my own and together we concur the darkness of the evil around us. Thank you all for being a part of my life. No matter what happens from now until my leaving this world, I will never forget any of you. Much love from me to all of you this holiday season. It sure would be nice to one day get to have all of you together with me as one big family beyond the cyber world that I met all of you in. Because I know you all, I believe in angels that are among us.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
December 9- It's A Wonderful Life....... NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I keep thinking about this old black and white movie that plays around this time of year called, It's A Wonderful Life. In that movie this man makes a wish that he had never been born and an angel comes along to show him just how wonderful his being alive really was. The more I think about it and what message it is trying to give to people, the more it makes me sick. If life is so freaking wonderful, then why do I hate it so much?
To me living has been a nightmare. For starters, I was born as a female in the body of a male and no one cares how I truly feel. They say it isn't right to want to change my body, but why the hell not? My body is wrong and to keep it the way it is wouldn't be right. How can I ever enjoy doing female things with my body looking like a disgusting male. To that, they say it isn't right for me to do female things because to them I am a male just because my body came out as a male. To me, doing male things that I do not enjoy wouldn't be right. Why should I be forced to do the things I don't like just because it is natural for a male to do them and not do female things because it is not natural for a male to do them? Who makes them judge over what is natural and what isn't?
Just because the majority of society thinks and does something, does that mean I have to do it too? If tomorrow the majority of society decided they would go jump off the Empire State Building and plummet to their death, you think I am going to go do it also and end my life? I DON"T THINK SO!!!! I want to live, but I want to live MY life. I don't want to live a life the way someone else wants me to live. If I can't live MY life MY way, then I don't want to live life at all.
I'm so sick of people telling me that wearing diapers and acting like a baby even though clearly I am not is not "normal" just because the majority of society does not do it. If the highest of the high powers wished for all of us to be the same, he would have made us all robots on the same assembly line. That power made us all different and unique in the things that we as individuals deem normal for us as individuals. Just like gays, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people have different views on what they see as normal, so does every single person on this Earth. Well, except for those that wish to conform to what the MAJORITY of society thinks and does making them puppets to the greater numbers, but think of it like I said above about the Empire State Building. You can choose to be recognized by the masses as normal and lose your life, or you can be like me and go against the grain and live life your way and stay alive. Your choice.
What people wear, have sexual or any preference to, or act like is what they themselves feel is normal. For example just because I don't wear tight underwear, it would be wrong for me to go up to someone who does and say that they are sick for wearing tight underwear. Of course, alone I would have no real affect on that man, but if I were to get the majority of votes saying it isn't normal, than that man would have to choose between being normal and giving up what he views as normal to go with the majority or choose to live his own life and keep wearing what makes him feel right with himself. Same goes for music. I, for one, don't think people who could listen to too much Country, too much Rap, jazz, instrumental, or opera is normal. Does that make it right for me to gather the masses against those who do like that stuff?
My uncle claims that society is becoming more and more tolerant toward differences, but I beg to differ. Society is as it always was. When they get tolerant of one thing, something new always comes along for them to start griping about and claiming not to be normal. Indians became tolerable, but then the black man was brought in as a slave and them having equal rights was not normal to the white man. Then women began to rise up for their equal rights which to the men were not normal for women to have. Now we have gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender who are not viewed as normal by the straight people who know they are what their bodies show. We also have the Adult Babies, Diaper Lovers, and those into any of the many forms of BDSM being frowned upon by this so-called majority of society. Once all this becomes finally tolerable, what will be next for the majority of society to find not "normal"? They will find something, I am sure, just to find something to gripe and complain about.
Normal to me is wearing my diapers and using them to their fullest intent, being a female and wishing to correct (not change) my body (not gender) to match my gender (not body) that I feel I am, and acting like a big baby girl in need of parents to raise me whenever life permits. It is also living my life within my ideas of normalcy while allowing others to live life the way they see it as normal to them and not trying to force my view of normal on anyone else.
With all that said, I again say that life is not really all that wonderful since everyone has to always be on guard of people of this world who only seek to find differences of everyone else just to exploit those differences to the point of ridicule and estranging someone because of their differences. They also seek out those with good hearts to do this too in order to snuff out the lights of their golden hearts and turn them into puppets in their own dark and cruel judgmental image.
Always live against the grain. Never live your life the way others live theirs because if you live their way then you are living their life and not your own.
To me living has been a nightmare. For starters, I was born as a female in the body of a male and no one cares how I truly feel. They say it isn't right to want to change my body, but why the hell not? My body is wrong and to keep it the way it is wouldn't be right. How can I ever enjoy doing female things with my body looking like a disgusting male. To that, they say it isn't right for me to do female things because to them I am a male just because my body came out as a male. To me, doing male things that I do not enjoy wouldn't be right. Why should I be forced to do the things I don't like just because it is natural for a male to do them and not do female things because it is not natural for a male to do them? Who makes them judge over what is natural and what isn't?
Just because the majority of society thinks and does something, does that mean I have to do it too? If tomorrow the majority of society decided they would go jump off the Empire State Building and plummet to their death, you think I am going to go do it also and end my life? I DON"T THINK SO!!!! I want to live, but I want to live MY life. I don't want to live a life the way someone else wants me to live. If I can't live MY life MY way, then I don't want to live life at all.
I'm so sick of people telling me that wearing diapers and acting like a baby even though clearly I am not is not "normal" just because the majority of society does not do it. If the highest of the high powers wished for all of us to be the same, he would have made us all robots on the same assembly line. That power made us all different and unique in the things that we as individuals deem normal for us as individuals. Just like gays, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people have different views on what they see as normal, so does every single person on this Earth. Well, except for those that wish to conform to what the MAJORITY of society thinks and does making them puppets to the greater numbers, but think of it like I said above about the Empire State Building. You can choose to be recognized by the masses as normal and lose your life, or you can be like me and go against the grain and live life your way and stay alive. Your choice.
What people wear, have sexual or any preference to, or act like is what they themselves feel is normal. For example just because I don't wear tight underwear, it would be wrong for me to go up to someone who does and say that they are sick for wearing tight underwear. Of course, alone I would have no real affect on that man, but if I were to get the majority of votes saying it isn't normal, than that man would have to choose between being normal and giving up what he views as normal to go with the majority or choose to live his own life and keep wearing what makes him feel right with himself. Same goes for music. I, for one, don't think people who could listen to too much Country, too much Rap, jazz, instrumental, or opera is normal. Does that make it right for me to gather the masses against those who do like that stuff?
My uncle claims that society is becoming more and more tolerant toward differences, but I beg to differ. Society is as it always was. When they get tolerant of one thing, something new always comes along for them to start griping about and claiming not to be normal. Indians became tolerable, but then the black man was brought in as a slave and them having equal rights was not normal to the white man. Then women began to rise up for their equal rights which to the men were not normal for women to have. Now we have gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender who are not viewed as normal by the straight people who know they are what their bodies show. We also have the Adult Babies, Diaper Lovers, and those into any of the many forms of BDSM being frowned upon by this so-called majority of society. Once all this becomes finally tolerable, what will be next for the majority of society to find not "normal"? They will find something, I am sure, just to find something to gripe and complain about.
Normal to me is wearing my diapers and using them to their fullest intent, being a female and wishing to correct (not change) my body (not gender) to match my gender (not body) that I feel I am, and acting like a big baby girl in need of parents to raise me whenever life permits. It is also living my life within my ideas of normalcy while allowing others to live life the way they see it as normal to them and not trying to force my view of normal on anyone else.
With all that said, I again say that life is not really all that wonderful since everyone has to always be on guard of people of this world who only seek to find differences of everyone else just to exploit those differences to the point of ridicule and estranging someone because of their differences. They also seek out those with good hearts to do this too in order to snuff out the lights of their golden hearts and turn them into puppets in their own dark and cruel judgmental image.
Always live against the grain. Never live your life the way others live theirs because if you live their way then you are living their life and not your own.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
December 7- Changes in Plans. (Don't You Just Hate Them?)
Okay, here's my problem. You all know how I had promised my good friend and Second Life Mommy that I would get her the two items she needed to finish the memorial PC for her brother. I was going to get Christmas gifts for my son and then get her one item this month and the other the next month. I had the money to get her the keyboard and was waiting for today for when it would be open to buy. However, it seems every time I make my plans, something always comes up to screw with my plans. My cousin had got into some trouble Friday while driving my uncle's van, so the van had been towed and impounded. My uncle had to take the money I gave him for rent that he usually uses to pay the insurance on the van with to use it to get the van out of the impound leaving no money for him to pay the insurance which had to be paid by midnight last night. Of course, I loaned him the money to pay it because of my son. We need that van insured in case anything were to happen to my son and had to be brought to the hospital. Thing is, now I don't have the money I need to get what I was planning to get, and I feel so horrible. On top of all that, all the socks I had for my son just disappeared as well as my own and no one here claims to know who took them. Because of the few socks we had, I had to go buy us some more. That, again, made me short on cash this month.
I hate myself right now because I don't want my friend thinking that I am just like everyone else who has played with her emotions. I really wanted to show her how different I was than them, but now I am scared she will not trust me when I promise her anything. I can try to get it next month, but there is no telling what can happen between now and then. I definitely don't want to promise anything and be forced to be unable to keep that promise only furthering her distrust of me.
I know shit happens, but why is life so against me. Every time I try to make someone happy, I get fucked by Murphy's Law and my plans get changed. Then everyone begins to think me someone who makes promises that I don't keep. It's not that I don't keep them, it's just that something always happens to make me unable to keep them. One out of every ten times I actually get lucky and can in fact do what I promise, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that something happens between now and Christmas to help me be able to keep this promise because if not I will feel so horrible and beat myself up continuously for it. I want to right now as it is, but I'm still hoping something comes through so I can come through for her.
I hate myself right now because I don't want my friend thinking that I am just like everyone else who has played with her emotions. I really wanted to show her how different I was than them, but now I am scared she will not trust me when I promise her anything. I can try to get it next month, but there is no telling what can happen between now and then. I definitely don't want to promise anything and be forced to be unable to keep that promise only furthering her distrust of me.
I know shit happens, but why is life so against me. Every time I try to make someone happy, I get fucked by Murphy's Law and my plans get changed. Then everyone begins to think me someone who makes promises that I don't keep. It's not that I don't keep them, it's just that something always happens to make me unable to keep them. One out of every ten times I actually get lucky and can in fact do what I promise, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that something happens between now and Christmas to help me be able to keep this promise because if not I will feel so horrible and beat myself up continuously for it. I want to right now as it is, but I'm still hoping something comes through so I can come through for her.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
December 4- Paranoia Making Things Difficult
For those that have been reading and to all my friends and family here online, I have to let you all know that I may be spending a few days in the hospital to get my mind at least somewhat back to working order. The paranoia I spoke of in my last blog post has really been taking a toll on me and seems to be getting worse by the day. I find myself looking more and more over my shoulders figuratively speaking for the next attack on me. I don't know who to trust anymore. I don't know who to believe. It seems every time I turn around, there is always someone trying to take my son any way they possibly can even as far as using lies and manipulation to further their goal of truly killing my mind, heart, body, and soul. Even the ones that I should trust, I am having thoughts of paranoia creep in to where I actually conjure scenarios in my mind and see mental images of them taking my son from my cold dead hands. I know this is not healthy for my son since he needs someone who can be able to focus on him. I am doing the best I can with what I have left, but I know I can't hold on much longer before I end up in a kill or be killed mentality like I do when I feel cornered.
Most people wonder why I have so much trouble with my emotions, but obviously it is those ones that do wonder such a thing have not had to live a life of being lied to, being used, being manipulated, and having to lie to themselves just to keep society happy enough not to want to kill you off for not being their damn puppet or robot for that matter. It's not me with the problem. I know I quote a lot of things, but here's another to fit this situation. In the words of Shrek from the movie by that name, "I shut people out not because I hate the world but because the world hates me. They are always judging me by the way I look on the outside and never care to see what I am on the inside."
So what if I look like an adult on the outside; on the inside I am a child that needs loving parents to raise it in the tenderness, affection, and attention it needs to grow. So what if I look like a male on the outside; on the inside I am a female soul just wanting to burst free. So I like things that some people think are weird and creepy, but that does not make me any less of a person who has a damn good heart, generous to a fault, humble, meek, kind, and gentle. They don't know what I went through growing up and don't care to the reason for me doing the things I do. All they care about is finding ways to eliminate me all because I live outside of the box and do things my way even when it means going against the way the wind is blowing. They take my kind and gentle nature as a sign of weakness and exploit it until they have used me to the lowest I can go. Then they strike the death blow figuratively speaking.
If you don't hear from me for a while, then at least now you know where I will be. I just want what is best for my son, and I will give my life to make sure I protect him from the things I went through. For now, I cannot be his protector that I need to be because I don't know anymore who is on my side or who seeks to take my life from me which is what they will have done if they succeed in taking my son from me. I want everyone else out there to take care and be safe always. Until I next write, may you all have sweet dreams and lots of love.
Most people wonder why I have so much trouble with my emotions, but obviously it is those ones that do wonder such a thing have not had to live a life of being lied to, being used, being manipulated, and having to lie to themselves just to keep society happy enough not to want to kill you off for not being their damn puppet or robot for that matter. It's not me with the problem. I know I quote a lot of things, but here's another to fit this situation. In the words of Shrek from the movie by that name, "I shut people out not because I hate the world but because the world hates me. They are always judging me by the way I look on the outside and never care to see what I am on the inside."
So what if I look like an adult on the outside; on the inside I am a child that needs loving parents to raise it in the tenderness, affection, and attention it needs to grow. So what if I look like a male on the outside; on the inside I am a female soul just wanting to burst free. So I like things that some people think are weird and creepy, but that does not make me any less of a person who has a damn good heart, generous to a fault, humble, meek, kind, and gentle. They don't know what I went through growing up and don't care to the reason for me doing the things I do. All they care about is finding ways to eliminate me all because I live outside of the box and do things my way even when it means going against the way the wind is blowing. They take my kind and gentle nature as a sign of weakness and exploit it until they have used me to the lowest I can go. Then they strike the death blow figuratively speaking.
If you don't hear from me for a while, then at least now you know where I will be. I just want what is best for my son, and I will give my life to make sure I protect him from the things I went through. For now, I cannot be his protector that I need to be because I don't know anymore who is on my side or who seeks to take my life from me which is what they will have done if they succeed in taking my son from me. I want everyone else out there to take care and be safe always. Until I next write, may you all have sweet dreams and lots of love.
Friday, December 3, 2010
December 3- Society Strikes Again
Yet again, I am faced with turmoil over someone trying to take my son from me. I have copied a conversation from Facebook based on a note I made copied directly from one of my blog posts. You will see what I mean when I say that society has not changed one bit in that if you are not like them, you are not "normal" and do not deserve anything a "normal" person has including children. The man who was once married to this woman who posted these comments to me claims that society is becoming more tolerant of the GLBT community, but I say he is wrong. What I am going to share after I say what I have to say is a good example of how society has NOT changed one bit.
I feel the only way society will is if we rise up and fight to give the straight society a reason to fear us because it seems only through fear do we earn respect. My supposed to be father, George Bordelon. taught me that as a child. It was reinforced in jail when you had to fight to earn respect because then people would fear you. History even teaches us this. The white man made the Indians fear them, the black man made the white man fear them, and real women made the men fear them. They are all respected now and given whatever right they are entitled to for fear that they will rise up again and revolt if they are not. I say it is our turn. It is our turn to fight for our respect. If the law will not stand up for us, then we need to rise up together and take down that law. I will share now the comments that have truly angered me to rebellion. It's really her last comment that needs to be focused on, but I am posting the whole thing to show you all what lead up to that comment. Afterward, I will say a little more and then close.
Now, after reading all this, I also noticed to respond one thing to her. I do NOT make my child sleep all day. Sure I get him to take a nap in the afternoon around 1 P.M. or so for anywhere between an hour to two hours, but every child needs to have a nap every day because they will get cranky and definitely not listen to what you tell them because they are so tired that they will cry if you do not let them have their way until you do. When they get a little older like say 5 or 6, then I can see them not having to take a nap.
I also did not ask her how she expects someone who was not shown as a child how to love and care for a child as a parent should be able to do the same for their child. I believe Backstreet Boys said it best when they sang, "How can it be you're asking me to feel the things you never show?" in their song, Show Me The Meaning. It's true that society expects someone to know this shit, but they do not see how hard it is for someone who is not shown that same love, care, and attention to just automatically do it for their children. Honestly, I admit that I am doing an excellent job at doing it on my own despite what George Bordelon did to me as a child. Statistics show that most parents who were abused as children end abusing their children, but I have done a damn good job in not becoming part of that statistic. I am one of the few who were able to break the cycle.
I may be grown up on the outside, but I guess society fails to look into their child psychology books. If they did, they would see a part in there that says how an abused child or one that has gone through a great tragedy becomes mentally arrested in their minds at the age the abuse occurred thereby mentally freezing the child-like state of mind within the person even though the person's body grows up. I was adopted at the age of 6 going on 7 and the abuse didn't really start until age 10, but that's not where my mind was mentally arrested. Let's go a little further back to age 3 when I was molested by the foster mother I was with. That's not where my mind was mentally arrested either. No, my mind became mentally arrested at the age of 1 and a half when I witnessed my older brother of 2 and a half years old drowning in the bayou. Many people of society will say that a child that young cannot remember that, but again they are wrong. Child psychology teaches that from birth a child has the ability to remember things subconsciously that can cause the mind to become mentally arrested at whatever point caused the trauma and also can come out later in life during the rim sleep period where the subconscious mind becomes awake causing a person to relive the moment in a dream. Because of my child-like mind state, there are times that I do regress sometimes uncontrollably. Why do I dress in diapers and big baby clothes and wish to be treated like a baby? I do it sometimes because I do have a diaper fetish brought on by the molestation at age 3 which was another of my subconscious memories that came out in a dream. However, that is not the main nor the most important reason. The most important reason I do it is to help myself cope with my uncontrollable regressions. If that makes me a bad parent, then by all means take my child, but kill me also before you take him because if you take him, you might as well have killed me even if you didn't.
I do have a confession to make. That confession is that now with all the lies and the manipulation I had suffered by the hands of Crystal Pitre, Cheryl Cunningham, and now Dorothy Gisclair Klass, I have become so paranoid that I don't trust anyone anymore. I've begun questioning the motives of everyone in real life that is involved with my son now. Even his birth mother coming back into the picture with seemingly a sudden change of heart toward her son has brought some doubts that what if she has been recruited by Crystal and Cheryl to sweet talk me into giving my son back to her so then she will in turn give him back to Crystal. I don't even trust the people I am staying with now because I feel that to my face they say one thing, but behind my back they are secretly trying to get my son taken from me to give to Dorothy. My birth father swore he heard my "uncle" tell someone on the phone that he was going to call someone to get things taken care of over here. Yet my "uncle" swears that was never said. I have noticed that every time I got Tiff's dad's number, it would disappear. Again, this only plays to my paranoia. Not only that, but because I feel myself constantly watching over my shoulder to keep an eye out for who will try to take my son next, I don't think I can focus on my son as well as I should. However, I will try so damn hard not to crumble. I just don't know if I am strong enough to handle it for too long. If anyone is reading this, pray for me to have the strength to not only be a great dad despite all of this, but also pray that I can rise above all of this and be ten or twenty times better the transwoman I am now.
I feel the only way society will is if we rise up and fight to give the straight society a reason to fear us because it seems only through fear do we earn respect. My supposed to be father, George Bordelon. taught me that as a child. It was reinforced in jail when you had to fight to earn respect because then people would fear you. History even teaches us this. The white man made the Indians fear them, the black man made the white man fear them, and real women made the men fear them. They are all respected now and given whatever right they are entitled to for fear that they will rise up again and revolt if they are not. I say it is our turn. It is our turn to fight for our respect. If the law will not stand up for us, then we need to rise up together and take down that law. I will share now the comments that have truly angered me to rebellion. It's really her last comment that needs to be focused on, but I am posting the whole thing to show you all what lead up to that comment. Afterward, I will say a little more and then close.
I've got a very heated message to those people who think they can get away with telling another parent how to raise their child. STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY! I'm sick and tired of people who whether they have their own kids or not try to tell someone else how to raise their kids. I'm pissed at those who think they have right to correct a parent when that parent is correcting their kid for not listening to them or other authority figures. I'm furious at those people who go behind a parent's back and let that parent's kid off of any punishment that parent set forth for their child. I'm outraged at those who would show favoritism by not telling their own kids who are now adults and have kids of their own the same thing they tell someone else who is doing the same exact thing as they are.
I could see if the parent is not providing the kids basic needs, not spending any time at all with their children, leaving bruises anywhere on the child from severely beating that child with a belt or anything else for whatever reason, leaving hand prints on a child's neck where they tried to choke the life out of that child, molesting their child in any kind of way, or attempting to kill their child by stepping on that child's chest with weight which could crush the rib cage right into the heart killing that child. Then, I could say there is reason to step in and get that child away from that parent. When I say not spending any time with that child, I mean that as long as you spend at least one or two hours two or three times a day, that should be good enough without someone coming along and saying that your child is not most important in your life. Not spending any time would be leaving a child in their room (or crib if they are that young) for the entire day while you do whatever you want to do. The only exception would be if the kid is older and has misbehaved and you have grounded them to their room. If none of these things I have listed is happening, then other people need to BACK OFF! Let the parent be the parent and stop trying to tell them how to be better! No one is perfect and never will be perfect, so stop trying to act like you are by telling someone else how to raise their kid!
You want to yell at someone or try to take someone's kids away? Stick to the a-holes that actually deserve to have their kids taken away or even thrown in jail for their entire life for molesting, abusing, or even attempting to murder their 16 year old child! In my opinion, those that do that (like George Bordelon and that woman who molested me when I was three) don't even deserve to live another day, but we are all unable to take the law into our own hands. Even those who let these people get away with it (like Cheryl Cunningham when she was married to George), deserve the same because they are just as guilty as the ones who did the act.
Dee Gisclair Klass are you referring to me because I could tell you what ever I feel when I see that you're not treating your child right and it's definitely my business when it's my great nephew you're mistreating. Giving you advise isn't telling you what to do. It's simply trying to help you and hoping you take that advise and put it to good use especially when it involves an innocent child that wants nothing but love and attention from his parent and deserves nothing but the best!
Kayden Renee PhoenixFirst, I want to point out that if I was referring to you, I would have your name written in this note. Second, if you think I am "mistreating" my son, then you obviously don't know what the fuck mistreating a child really is. You want to talk mistreating, then you need to take a long look at what George Bordelon did to me as I was growing up being almost killed by him at one time. THAT is mistreating a child, not just because I don't raise him the way you would raise him. Everyone has their own idea on how a child should be raised, but that doesn't mean that someone who is not raising them someone else's way is mistreating their child. Some just raise their children a lot more stricter than others. Next, you really need to know that there is a fine line between giving ADVICE and telling a parent what they can or cannot do to their child. Someone who does not live with you on a day to day basis trying to tell you that your son is not number one in your life is not giving advice. You don't know me or what is in my heart or mind nor do you see what I do with and for my son on a daily basis. Just because I am online whenever someone does call does not mean I am online all fucking day long and not spending time with my son. No one knows what I am doing all day. I get online when my son is sleeping whether it is for a nap or when in bed for the night. Other than that, I am with him doing things with him unless my dad offers to take him off my hands for a while. Just to make this clear, NOW I am referring to you. Back the fuck off bitch.- Dee Gisclair Klassyeah well just so you know...I have friends in HRS that would be more than happy to hear what I have to say and yes you do mistreat your child and no you can't use the excuse that you were supposedly mistreated because you're not a baby anymore and you're a grown man now that needs to learn responsibility and learn what a child really needs. Making a child sleep all day and not let him play with his toys because he doesn't know how isn't the way you treat a child. Ever thought that maybe the reason he doesn't know who to play with his toys is because you have never taught him how to. And yes is is my business because I am his great Aunt and I do care. You just need to show him he's loved by loving him and teaching him the right way. He's a beautiful child that's only looking to be loved and for attention. If you gave him as much attention as you do to trying to get your sex change or wearing a creepy diaper...he would be a very happy baby. So you see JW....you can call me a Bitch all you want because I know what I am and I'm not trying to change "ME" or who or what I am. And most of all I have raised 4 beautiful children and they are all 4 very happy children and all know that they are very much loved by me and that they could always count on me no matter what. I was also a Foster Parent and have gone through every parenting class there is out there during that time so yes dear...with that and having raised 4 children already I would think that qualifies me as an experienced parent and have every right in the world to step in when I see that my great nephew isn't being treated properly or getting the love and attention he so desperately needs. So you say "Back the fuck off bitch" and I say NEVER!!!! So you just deal with it faggit and get used to it because I will NEVER back off!!!
- Kayden Renee PhoenixThis will be my last response to you. Just because you have been to parenting classes and have four kids of your own does not make you an expert on how everyone has to raise their kids. It also does not make you an expert on what I am doing... for and with my son. Not living here and only seeing my son one time only when you came to pick up Junior does not make you an expert as to how I am treating my child. Giving advice means that you can tell someone how YOU would do in a certain situation. It is NOT telling that person what they must or must not do. As for what happened to me, there is no SUPPOSEDLY. It did happen to me. As for what I am into, it does not affect how I raise my child since I NEVER do it when he is around. I know what and who I am as well. So what if what I know myself to be makes me want to have a sex change. That's not because I don't know what I am, it's because I know what I am and I want to make my body to be what I know myself to be. One other thing on that subject, I do not put any of that before my son. I ALWAYS think of my son first. Why the fuck you think I have not gone to get my sex change yet? Why the fuck you think I don't wear diapers around him? I get what he needs first and I make sure he is given love and attention. The only way he does not get to play with his toys is when he is bad and has hit someone with them. It's not like he never gets to play with them. Finally as for your friends in HRS, I say go for it if you wish to try me. I swear when they discover that I am not mistreating my son like you say, I will turn around and sue your ass for everything you are worth. You say you won't ever back off, well I got news for you, if you don't want to get into a world of shit by making false accusations which has been proven false once already and when it is again will rain hell upon you when I sue you for making such accusations. Hate to burst your bubble, he may be your great nephew by blood, but that's where it ends. Once I was adopted and signed over, you and everyone else in the Gisclair or Lindsay family LOST that right to call us family in the eyes of the law. Thank you and fuck off!!!!!
Now, after reading all this, I also noticed to respond one thing to her. I do NOT make my child sleep all day. Sure I get him to take a nap in the afternoon around 1 P.M. or so for anywhere between an hour to two hours, but every child needs to have a nap every day because they will get cranky and definitely not listen to what you tell them because they are so tired that they will cry if you do not let them have their way until you do. When they get a little older like say 5 or 6, then I can see them not having to take a nap.
I also did not ask her how she expects someone who was not shown as a child how to love and care for a child as a parent should be able to do the same for their child. I believe Backstreet Boys said it best when they sang, "How can it be you're asking me to feel the things you never show?" in their song, Show Me The Meaning. It's true that society expects someone to know this shit, but they do not see how hard it is for someone who is not shown that same love, care, and attention to just automatically do it for their children. Honestly, I admit that I am doing an excellent job at doing it on my own despite what George Bordelon did to me as a child. Statistics show that most parents who were abused as children end abusing their children, but I have done a damn good job in not becoming part of that statistic. I am one of the few who were able to break the cycle.
I may be grown up on the outside, but I guess society fails to look into their child psychology books. If they did, they would see a part in there that says how an abused child or one that has gone through a great tragedy becomes mentally arrested in their minds at the age the abuse occurred thereby mentally freezing the child-like state of mind within the person even though the person's body grows up. I was adopted at the age of 6 going on 7 and the abuse didn't really start until age 10, but that's not where my mind was mentally arrested. Let's go a little further back to age 3 when I was molested by the foster mother I was with. That's not where my mind was mentally arrested either. No, my mind became mentally arrested at the age of 1 and a half when I witnessed my older brother of 2 and a half years old drowning in the bayou. Many people of society will say that a child that young cannot remember that, but again they are wrong. Child psychology teaches that from birth a child has the ability to remember things subconsciously that can cause the mind to become mentally arrested at whatever point caused the trauma and also can come out later in life during the rim sleep period where the subconscious mind becomes awake causing a person to relive the moment in a dream. Because of my child-like mind state, there are times that I do regress sometimes uncontrollably. Why do I dress in diapers and big baby clothes and wish to be treated like a baby? I do it sometimes because I do have a diaper fetish brought on by the molestation at age 3 which was another of my subconscious memories that came out in a dream. However, that is not the main nor the most important reason. The most important reason I do it is to help myself cope with my uncontrollable regressions. If that makes me a bad parent, then by all means take my child, but kill me also before you take him because if you take him, you might as well have killed me even if you didn't.
I do have a confession to make. That confession is that now with all the lies and the manipulation I had suffered by the hands of Crystal Pitre, Cheryl Cunningham, and now Dorothy Gisclair Klass, I have become so paranoid that I don't trust anyone anymore. I've begun questioning the motives of everyone in real life that is involved with my son now. Even his birth mother coming back into the picture with seemingly a sudden change of heart toward her son has brought some doubts that what if she has been recruited by Crystal and Cheryl to sweet talk me into giving my son back to her so then she will in turn give him back to Crystal. I don't even trust the people I am staying with now because I feel that to my face they say one thing, but behind my back they are secretly trying to get my son taken from me to give to Dorothy. My birth father swore he heard my "uncle" tell someone on the phone that he was going to call someone to get things taken care of over here. Yet my "uncle" swears that was never said. I have noticed that every time I got Tiff's dad's number, it would disappear. Again, this only plays to my paranoia. Not only that, but because I feel myself constantly watching over my shoulder to keep an eye out for who will try to take my son next, I don't think I can focus on my son as well as I should. However, I will try so damn hard not to crumble. I just don't know if I am strong enough to handle it for too long. If anyone is reading this, pray for me to have the strength to not only be a great dad despite all of this, but also pray that I can rise above all of this and be ten or twenty times better the transwoman I am now.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
December 1- To My Online Family With Much Love
What is an ONLINE family? To most people an online family is unheard of. Questions like, "How can an online family be better than one you can see in real life?". "How can an online family love you like a real family can?", "How do you know this online family actually cares about you and not just pretending to care whenever you are all online together?", "What do you get from an online family that you can't get from a true life family?", and/or "How can you call anyone family that you have never met in real life?" You even have some saying that you need to get out of the fantasy world and come back to reality.
Let me first address the questions with my own answer that I am sure many in my situation would also answer. Keep in mind these answers are based on my own experience and are my own opinions.
An online family can be better than a real family when that so called real family neglects to provide love, understanding, acceptance, and support that the online family does provide. Many people turn to online families for just this reason alone.
An online family can indeed show you love even more so than a real family can by being there when you need them and standing up for you when the world turns their back on you including your so-called real family. An online family would not use lies and manipulation to try and take your children away from you. An online family would never use those same lies to turn parents against each other to further accomplish their goal of taking that child for themselves. For these reasons, an online family is much more a family as family should be.
There is no actual way to know that the online family truly cares about you and not just pretending to do so when you are online with them, but when you have had your real family pretending to love you and care for you in the public eye and then showing their true face behind closed doors, you actually begin to see that there is not that much difference between the two. It is then that wanting to know if the online family really cares and actually loves you even when you are not online becomes a minor issue.
All online families are different. One may provide something that another does not, but one thing is constant in what an online family does provide that perhaps someone's real family does not. That is the understanding all of one's needs, being able to provide what is needed to help a person become what they feel they truly are, and not trying to dissuade anyone from being their true self whatever that may be.
Like I said in my first answer, many people turn to online families when their real family fails to provide love, understanding, acceptance, and support. They can also turn to online families when their own family has chosen to turn their backs on them because of what they truly are. This is the case in many online families of the GLBT community and other communities as well. Two examples other than GLBT that I know of are the Adult Baby/Diaper Lover and the BDSM communities.
As for the last question, I'll tell you how I can call someone I never met in real life family because it is my online family that has taught me what being a part of a family is all about. If you have been reading my blog from day one until now, you know already about my real so-called family. You also know of everything I had to go through in life with people I have met in person. When my mommy from Second Life, BabyAlice Tulip, adopted me as her baby girl, I finally began to see how a parent is supposed to love their child and that helped me to fill in the missing part of the love I never got as a child. When I needed her, she was always there to comfort me and to raise my spirits even when her own were in turmoil. As a parent should, she put the needs of me as her child first and was never mean, hateful, or abusive in any way. She even honored me in her own blog found here. I was never out to seek recognition, fame, nor for something in return from her when I told her I would get the two pieces she needs to complete her memorial PC for her brother who had passed on due to a major illness. I did it out of the love I felt for her being my mommy as well as a true friend in real life. Then, I discovered Utherverse, where I was taken under wing by a sweet woman going by the name of Maryanna_AK. She is my owner in that virtual world, but along with my sister, Shelly_AK , they became my second online family. Through being with them, I was taught the meaning of what a true family should be to each other. They protect and stand up for me when someone is treating me badly, help me with whatever I need, live by the motto, "What's yours, is mine. What's mine is yours," and provide me with support as well raise my spirits much like mommy Alice does. They have also taught me that when you are part of a family, there is no me or mine. Rather it is us or ours. In other words, a family is more like a well-trained team and not just an individual. With my real family and others I have met in real life, this was never the case. This is why I can call someone I never met a family and love them more than I love my real so-called family.
To mommy Alice, thank you for showing me the love a parent should always show their child and for always putting my needs always before your own. May you have the best holiday season ever. To Maryanna_AK and sister Shelly_AK, thank you for showing me what a true family should be like and for everything you have done to make me feel so much more at home online than I do in the real world. May the two of you also have the greatest holiday you could have ever wished for. To the rest of my online family, especially SissyJerry Lemon, Jordan Carpaccio and all my other friends from Second Life, I love you all very much, and combined with mommy Alice, Maryanna_AK, and Shelly_AK, I will always consider you my real family. To quote a line from Avatar the movie, "Everything seems so backwards now. It's like in here is the real world and outside of it is the dream." It's a nightmare in the real world that I must face each and every time I log off the internet, but I am always glad when I can wake up with my family that actual love me and know what being an actual family is all about whenever I log back in. Take care and be safe always.
Let me first address the questions with my own answer that I am sure many in my situation would also answer. Keep in mind these answers are based on my own experience and are my own opinions.
An online family can be better than a real family when that so called real family neglects to provide love, understanding, acceptance, and support that the online family does provide. Many people turn to online families for just this reason alone.
An online family can indeed show you love even more so than a real family can by being there when you need them and standing up for you when the world turns their back on you including your so-called real family. An online family would not use lies and manipulation to try and take your children away from you. An online family would never use those same lies to turn parents against each other to further accomplish their goal of taking that child for themselves. For these reasons, an online family is much more a family as family should be.
There is no actual way to know that the online family truly cares about you and not just pretending to do so when you are online with them, but when you have had your real family pretending to love you and care for you in the public eye and then showing their true face behind closed doors, you actually begin to see that there is not that much difference between the two. It is then that wanting to know if the online family really cares and actually loves you even when you are not online becomes a minor issue.
All online families are different. One may provide something that another does not, but one thing is constant in what an online family does provide that perhaps someone's real family does not. That is the understanding all of one's needs, being able to provide what is needed to help a person become what they feel they truly are, and not trying to dissuade anyone from being their true self whatever that may be.
Like I said in my first answer, many people turn to online families when their real family fails to provide love, understanding, acceptance, and support. They can also turn to online families when their own family has chosen to turn their backs on them because of what they truly are. This is the case in many online families of the GLBT community and other communities as well. Two examples other than GLBT that I know of are the Adult Baby/Diaper Lover and the BDSM communities.
As for the last question, I'll tell you how I can call someone I never met in real life family because it is my online family that has taught me what being a part of a family is all about. If you have been reading my blog from day one until now, you know already about my real so-called family. You also know of everything I had to go through in life with people I have met in person. When my mommy from Second Life, BabyAlice Tulip, adopted me as her baby girl, I finally began to see how a parent is supposed to love their child and that helped me to fill in the missing part of the love I never got as a child. When I needed her, she was always there to comfort me and to raise my spirits even when her own were in turmoil. As a parent should, she put the needs of me as her child first and was never mean, hateful, or abusive in any way. She even honored me in her own blog found here. I was never out to seek recognition, fame, nor for something in return from her when I told her I would get the two pieces she needs to complete her memorial PC for her brother who had passed on due to a major illness. I did it out of the love I felt for her being my mommy as well as a true friend in real life. Then, I discovered Utherverse, where I was taken under wing by a sweet woman going by the name of Maryanna_AK. She is my owner in that virtual world, but along with my sister, Shelly_AK , they became my second online family. Through being with them, I was taught the meaning of what a true family should be to each other. They protect and stand up for me when someone is treating me badly, help me with whatever I need, live by the motto, "What's yours, is mine. What's mine is yours," and provide me with support as well raise my spirits much like mommy Alice does. They have also taught me that when you are part of a family, there is no me or mine. Rather it is us or ours. In other words, a family is more like a well-trained team and not just an individual. With my real family and others I have met in real life, this was never the case. This is why I can call someone I never met a family and love them more than I love my real so-called family.
To mommy Alice, thank you for showing me the love a parent should always show their child and for always putting my needs always before your own. May you have the best holiday season ever. To Maryanna_AK and sister Shelly_AK, thank you for showing me what a true family should be like and for everything you have done to make me feel so much more at home online than I do in the real world. May the two of you also have the greatest holiday you could have ever wished for. To the rest of my online family, especially SissyJerry Lemon, Jordan Carpaccio and all my other friends from Second Life, I love you all very much, and combined with mommy Alice, Maryanna_AK, and Shelly_AK, I will always consider you my real family. To quote a line from Avatar the movie, "Everything seems so backwards now. It's like in here is the real world and outside of it is the dream." It's a nightmare in the real world that I must face each and every time I log off the internet, but I am always glad when I can wake up with my family that actual love me and know what being an actual family is all about whenever I log back in. Take care and be safe always.
Friday, November 26, 2010
November 26- Urgent Update
Today, all my readers get a special treat. Two posts in one day. Although, this is not really a treat as for what I have to say. It is really a retraction of everything I had once said about my son's, (Austin Michael Bordelon) birth mother (Tiffany Lynn Williams). It seems everything I had been told from Cheryl Cunningham and Crystal Pitre about her was a lie to turn me against her as they were telling her lies about me to turn her against me. Tiff never did abandon her son. She did try her best to have contact with her son, but she was kept out of the loop. When I gave Crystal the phone number here to give to Tiff, it was never passed along. Crystal told me she did not have Tiff's phone number for me to be able to call her, but after events of Wednesday, somehow she had Tiff's phone number then. She had told Tiff not believe anything I said because it would be nothing but lies. She had been telling Tiff that it was I who was trying to keep Tiff from her son which is not nor ever will be the truth. The truth is, I was trying to get Crystal to get Tiff more involved with our son and she would tell me that Tiff didn't care about her son and did not need to be included in anything that dealt with him.
I was even told that Tiff had all the numbers she needed to call and check on our son, but according to Tiff's grandmother, Chickie Allemand, Crystal refused to give Tiff her phone number. I was told that Theo had refused to go to Austin's party because he would have to kick my ass if he did go. Theo said this was a lie and that if he did say anything it was more like that he would have to kick my ass IF I started anything with him. Then it was either said to Tiff or misunderstood from an email I sent her after I was told that Tiff would only call to see if Austin was talking yet and then hang up that if she showed up at Austin's party, I would kick her ass. My email stated that if she was only wanting to hide in the shadows until Austin could talk and then try and come and steal him away from me, I would kick her ass then. I never said anything about if she showed up at the party. It was me who actually convinced Crystal to invite Tiff to be a part of Austin's birthday. Meanwhile, Tiff was being told all kinds of lies about me.
I just want all my readers to know that this is just down-right sick to think someone would stoop so low as to get two parent's of a child fighting each other just to try and take that child from both of them while they were too busy fighting each other to really stand strong and fight who really needed to be fought. I apologize publicly to Tiff and Theo for everything that was said about them because of my being blind to see the truth of what was really going on. I just hope we can forgive one another and move on as the true parents of Austin as we should and no longer be caught believing what someone else says about us and end up fighting against each other once again instead of staying best friends for our son's sake.
Learn from our mistake and never trust what someone tells you someone else said. Instead go straight to the person who supposedly said these things and ask them the truth.
I was even told that Tiff had all the numbers she needed to call and check on our son, but according to Tiff's grandmother, Chickie Allemand, Crystal refused to give Tiff her phone number. I was told that Theo had refused to go to Austin's party because he would have to kick my ass if he did go. Theo said this was a lie and that if he did say anything it was more like that he would have to kick my ass IF I started anything with him. Then it was either said to Tiff or misunderstood from an email I sent her after I was told that Tiff would only call to see if Austin was talking yet and then hang up that if she showed up at Austin's party, I would kick her ass. My email stated that if she was only wanting to hide in the shadows until Austin could talk and then try and come and steal him away from me, I would kick her ass then. I never said anything about if she showed up at the party. It was me who actually convinced Crystal to invite Tiff to be a part of Austin's birthday. Meanwhile, Tiff was being told all kinds of lies about me.
I just want all my readers to know that this is just down-right sick to think someone would stoop so low as to get two parent's of a child fighting each other just to try and take that child from both of them while they were too busy fighting each other to really stand strong and fight who really needed to be fought. I apologize publicly to Tiff and Theo for everything that was said about them because of my being blind to see the truth of what was really going on. I just hope we can forgive one another and move on as the true parents of Austin as we should and no longer be caught believing what someone else says about us and end up fighting against each other once again instead of staying best friends for our son's sake.
Learn from our mistake and never trust what someone tells you someone else said. Instead go straight to the person who supposedly said these things and ask them the truth.
November 26- One Step Foward; Two Back (Poem I Wrote About How I Feel Inside)
One Step Forward; Two Back
I hear the screams resound
from deep within my soul
as another day goes by
with me no closer to my goal.
A young child trapped deep inside;
a girl with no one to call her own.
Deep in the caverns of my mind,
she now must walk the paths alone.
Aimlessly wandering as though blind
with no light to guide her home,
it seems she will forever be lost;
a stranger wherever she doth roam.
Who will come to her aide now
to help her from out of the caves?
Who will take her by the hand
and show her the true love she craves?
When my eyes lose their sight,
and all I see is the deepest black,
I will still be taking one step forward
but always falling two steps back.
Written By:
Kayden Renee Phoenix
Kayden Renee Phoenix
Thursday, November 25, 2010
November 25- Enough Is Enough
It's Thanksgiving Day, and it's supposed to be a time to gather with family around the table with everyone taking turns saying what they are thankful for. Notice I said "supposed to be." I say that for two reasons. One, I don't have any true family anymore. The state of Louisiana along with some ill choices of my birth mother and father saw to that from the very beginning. Then, the family that is legally my family by law now due to adoption only added to that pain by physically abusing me and neglecting to stand up for me to save me from the physical abuse. Even my own sister by blood who was adopted with me refused to speak up and stand by me in making sure that man paid for trying to kill me that one dreadful day that had she not stopped him, he would have succeeded. Because of all of that, they are nor ever was family to me. My birth father may be my father by blood, but by law he no longer is, so he is not my family either. My so-called "uncle", Leonie Aucoin , has made it perfectly clear to me that he is no longer my uncle since his divorce from my birth mother's sister, so strike another family out of the picture with the loss of him and his family considering me as part of them.
Next, we come to "my?" daughter. When it comes to "my?" daughter, I can't consider her family even though her mother claims she is of my blood because her mother refuses to let me have anything to do with her. At first, I thought nothing of it because it started with her mother always coming down on me whenever I tried to help with both her and my son. Her mother always was one to try and control how both kids would be raised even with Austin not being her son by blood, and every time I tried to help, she would tell me how to raise them whether it was telling me what I should be doing or telling me what I should not do. Now, however, with her refusing me every time I ask to have "my?" daughter come over to my house and stay with me every other weekend at least and also not letting me help in any way with raising my so-called daughter, I am beginning to wonder if this girl she has with her is actually MY daughter. How can I ever consider her mine, if her mother refuses to let me bond with her in any way, shape, or form? How can I bond at all with her in just the few times her mother brings her over when coming to pick Austin up for the weekend and dropping him off after the weekend is over and leaving as soon as she has Austin aside from the ONE or TWO times her mother came and actually stayed for an hour or two? Why, if this girl is mine, does her mother refuse me the time to bond? I'm sure her mother will come up with that it is MY fault due to having left the state after her mother took her from me when she left me over something said online which she had no business in the first place reading over my shoulder which is a sure sign to me she never did have trust with me. Wouldn't be the first time, which I will explain later. No, I honestly think that girl she had is for someone else. I can't prove it without a blood test done, but the facts just don't add up. With what I explained, plus the fact I surely remember not being home the day that girl was conceived due to being at work at a temp agency, plus how quickly her mother wanted to leave from my son's birth mother's father's house after my birthday which was the day the girl was conceived, plus my son's birth mother's father's attitude changing toward the girl's mother just doesn't make any sense to me and points to the fact that maybe that girl is not mine but is in fact my son's birth mother's sister.
Now let's move on to my son and what this post is really all about. I have decided after two full months of dealing with my son acting like he does not have to listen to me after coming back from seeing his "half-sister?" with her mother as well as Cheryl Cunningham (the woman who refused to stand up for me after being adopted by her and that asshole who physically abused me) watching him, that my son is not going over there anymore. Of course the excuse given for him not listening to me was that it was MY fault due to having left him when I did. As soon as I asked where else I was supposed to go, the phone was quickly hung up because "my?" daughter's mother didn't want to hear the truth of why I had no choice when I did leave. Anyway, that only solves half of the problem of his not listening to me. The other half comes in to play with each and every day there was always someone going behind my back and undermining my authority by telling my son opposite of whatever I had told him along with trying to control me by telling me what I should or should not be doing when it comes to raising him. After two months of this, I have had enough. I am going to contact my son's birth mother's father and have him come and get my son to take care of him until I have a home (not on rent and not with anyone else) of my own. It will be a huge 5 bedroom home to where I can have a room for my son, a room for me, a computer room, a guest room, and a special room for all my fetish equipment. That room will be locked at all times and no one but me and my partner will be allowed inside. Only then will I be able to raise my son my way and with no one to interfere.
Anyway, I am done with all of this. It is causing me too much stress to have to worry about being both mother and father to my son, him refusing to listen to me due to people who are not standing behind me and teaching him not to obey me, and people who keep trying to control how I raise my son. It's time to stand up for myself and start making steps toward my own personal freedom.
Next, we come to "my?" daughter. When it comes to "my?" daughter, I can't consider her family even though her mother claims she is of my blood because her mother refuses to let me have anything to do with her. At first, I thought nothing of it because it started with her mother always coming down on me whenever I tried to help with both her and my son. Her mother always was one to try and control how both kids would be raised even with Austin not being her son by blood, and every time I tried to help, she would tell me how to raise them whether it was telling me what I should be doing or telling me what I should not do. Now, however, with her refusing me every time I ask to have "my?" daughter come over to my house and stay with me every other weekend at least and also not letting me help in any way with raising my so-called daughter, I am beginning to wonder if this girl she has with her is actually MY daughter. How can I ever consider her mine, if her mother refuses to let me bond with her in any way, shape, or form? How can I bond at all with her in just the few times her mother brings her over when coming to pick Austin up for the weekend and dropping him off after the weekend is over and leaving as soon as she has Austin aside from the ONE or TWO times her mother came and actually stayed for an hour or two? Why, if this girl is mine, does her mother refuse me the time to bond? I'm sure her mother will come up with that it is MY fault due to having left the state after her mother took her from me when she left me over something said online which she had no business in the first place reading over my shoulder which is a sure sign to me she never did have trust with me. Wouldn't be the first time, which I will explain later. No, I honestly think that girl she had is for someone else. I can't prove it without a blood test done, but the facts just don't add up. With what I explained, plus the fact I surely remember not being home the day that girl was conceived due to being at work at a temp agency, plus how quickly her mother wanted to leave from my son's birth mother's father's house after my birthday which was the day the girl was conceived, plus my son's birth mother's father's attitude changing toward the girl's mother just doesn't make any sense to me and points to the fact that maybe that girl is not mine but is in fact my son's birth mother's sister.
Now let's move on to my son and what this post is really all about. I have decided after two full months of dealing with my son acting like he does not have to listen to me after coming back from seeing his "half-sister?" with her mother as well as Cheryl Cunningham (the woman who refused to stand up for me after being adopted by her and that asshole who physically abused me) watching him, that my son is not going over there anymore. Of course the excuse given for him not listening to me was that it was MY fault due to having left him when I did. As soon as I asked where else I was supposed to go, the phone was quickly hung up because "my?" daughter's mother didn't want to hear the truth of why I had no choice when I did leave. Anyway, that only solves half of the problem of his not listening to me. The other half comes in to play with each and every day there was always someone going behind my back and undermining my authority by telling my son opposite of whatever I had told him along with trying to control me by telling me what I should or should not be doing when it comes to raising him. After two months of this, I have had enough. I am going to contact my son's birth mother's father and have him come and get my son to take care of him until I have a home (not on rent and not with anyone else) of my own. It will be a huge 5 bedroom home to where I can have a room for my son, a room for me, a computer room, a guest room, and a special room for all my fetish equipment. That room will be locked at all times and no one but me and my partner will be allowed inside. Only then will I be able to raise my son my way and with no one to interfere.
Anyway, I am done with all of this. It is causing me too much stress to have to worry about being both mother and father to my son, him refusing to listen to me due to people who are not standing behind me and teaching him not to obey me, and people who keep trying to control how I raise my son. It's time to stand up for myself and start making steps toward my own personal freedom.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
November 24th- Past The Deep End
I always wondered what going over and beyond the deep end of a severe emotional breakdown would be like. I found out just that today, and now I wish I had never gone there because I don't think I can ever come back. Now I see how much I have been lying to myself and to my son trying to pretend I was strong enough to not allow myself to become the monster that George Vincent Bordelon was and the one that Cheryl Guidry Bordelon (now Cunningham) and Christine Elizabeth Bordelon allowed George to be.
I was not strong enough, and after three days of my 3 year old son refusing to listen to me for anything but being defiant to the very end, I broke. The monster those three formed inside me broke free from the prison I had built to keep it locked away. I lost control and used a belt on my son. After realizing what I had become, I actually cried in front of him and begged his forgiveness, but I can't take it back. Knowing that, I am lost because now I will never be the same again. I will never be able to forgive myself even if my son does forgive me. I tried everything to keep him safe from something like that ever happening. I failed.
I don't know what else to do with him anymore. I have tried being kind, tried showing him all the love he needs, tried standing up for him where no one ever stood up for me, tried keeping him from harm, tried being stern, tried being mean and ugly, tried being patient as long as I could and further, but yet my son must hate me because he continues to do everything he wants no matter who tells him no. He continues to defy authority anyway he can. My last option is to just throw my hands up and leave him to his own, and when he is older and in serious trouble with the law because of his attitude, I hope he looks back and thinks of all I did to try and raise him better any way I could. It's not that I want to give up on him, and in my heart I never will, but I can't keep going on with trying to make him listen any more and risk going even further down into the pits of hell that I surely hope George, Cheryl, Christine, and all the others who refused to ever stand up for me will go. Trust me, if I end up with them in heaven or in hell, there will not be enough room to contain the mayhem that will transpire. Heaven will crumble, and Hell will have a new ruler.
I am dead. George, Cheryl, and Christine are beyond dead. I don't wish to bring myself to their level.
I was not strong enough, and after three days of my 3 year old son refusing to listen to me for anything but being defiant to the very end, I broke. The monster those three formed inside me broke free from the prison I had built to keep it locked away. I lost control and used a belt on my son. After realizing what I had become, I actually cried in front of him and begged his forgiveness, but I can't take it back. Knowing that, I am lost because now I will never be the same again. I will never be able to forgive myself even if my son does forgive me. I tried everything to keep him safe from something like that ever happening. I failed.
I don't know what else to do with him anymore. I have tried being kind, tried showing him all the love he needs, tried standing up for him where no one ever stood up for me, tried keeping him from harm, tried being stern, tried being mean and ugly, tried being patient as long as I could and further, but yet my son must hate me because he continues to do everything he wants no matter who tells him no. He continues to defy authority anyway he can. My last option is to just throw my hands up and leave him to his own, and when he is older and in serious trouble with the law because of his attitude, I hope he looks back and thinks of all I did to try and raise him better any way I could. It's not that I want to give up on him, and in my heart I never will, but I can't keep going on with trying to make him listen any more and risk going even further down into the pits of hell that I surely hope George, Cheryl, Christine, and all the others who refused to ever stand up for me will go. Trust me, if I end up with them in heaven or in hell, there will not be enough room to contain the mayhem that will transpire. Heaven will crumble, and Hell will have a new ruler.
I am dead. George, Cheryl, and Christine are beyond dead. I don't wish to bring myself to their level.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
November 18- Could I Have Been Wrong All This Time?
Besides being a male to female transsexual, there is also another part of what makes me who I am. This part is one that I have been thinking of as being an adult baby. It always seemed so wrong to include myself with them being everyone seemed to classify it as a sex fetish. To me it was not then nor is it now anything I would consider sexual. It's more of something inside of me that I feel makes me all of who and what I am. I also found it strange how most adult babies could, if they had to, give up being an adult baby without it hurting them emotionally in any way. I, on the other hand, could not no matter how many people told me that it was not natural. Another thing that I found strange was that whenever I did regress, a part of me really didn't want to act that way, but it was like something I myself could not control.
I was just reading something in a very good friend of mine's blog on here and some words she put in her about me struck something in my mind. "I know I am very baby like in many ways and has got me teased and harassed a lot. but if I hid it I get depressed," she had stated along with, "I am what my Daddys calls a True Baby, not to be confused with a Adult Baby. See an AB is a baby for sexual reason. For me its just a way of life really."
This got me thinking back to all the times I called myself an adult baby and how I always told everyone that it was never a sexual thing to me but rather just a part of who I was. I know someties when I am stressed out or have difficult decisions to make, I tend to find myself regressing even when I don't mean to. I also get depressed a lot when I have to hide being a baby as well finding my temper gets more and more easier to set off the longer I stay away from being a baby. I do know how to be an adult when I have to be, but I don't like being an adult. One other thing that makes me think is knowing that I honestly do get a tinge of sibling jealousy when it comes to actual babies. It's not that I mean to get jealous, but rather just something inside me that gets me feeling that way.
I do admit I have a sexual attraction to just diapers themselves, but when I regress I want nothing to do with sex. All I want at that time is a mommy AND a daddy to love me and care for me as they would an actual baby with no sex involved. Maybe I am not a true Adult Baby. Maybe what I am is a TRUE baby and a Diaper Lover (DL). Could I have been wrong all these years in classifying myself amongst the adult babies?
Honestly, I think I already know why I have this tendency to be a baby. When you think about how I was taken from my true birth parents due to their lack of being able to raise me properly, pushed from home to home to where I never really got that much love from parents as a baby, and then when finally adopted was not shown much love from parents even then but instead was abused physically, mentally, and emotionally, you can actually say that the baby I was got mentally frozen inside of me due to all that trauma and wants to try and live again. The Diaper Lover fetish, I know comes from the way I was molested at 3 by the foster mother I was with.
It's so hard, though, to get someone who would understand and actually be the mommy and daddy that I need to maybe once and for all allow that baby to come out full time and be raised the way a baby should be raised in love, care, and support. Just about everyone tells me that I need to stop trying to get back my childhood because once it is gone whether good or bad, there is no going back. They are right in one way, but what they don't seem to get is that we all are only as young or as old as we feel we are inside. My body may have grown up, but my mind has not. Then of course with my mind still being a baby and my soul being a female, I guess I am always going to be a little baby girl until the baby in me gets the chance to actually live again. Only then do I feel my mind will be able to mature the right way. Of course, being so late in the game of life, I don't think my mind will ever be able to catch up to my body, but at least I hope it will have a chance to live before I pass into the next life.
I was just reading something in a very good friend of mine's blog on here and some words she put in her about me struck something in my mind. "I know I am very baby like in many ways and has got me teased and harassed a lot. but if I hid it I get depressed," she had stated along with, "I am what my Daddys calls a True Baby, not to be confused with a Adult Baby. See an AB is a baby for sexual reason. For me its just a way of life really."
This got me thinking back to all the times I called myself an adult baby and how I always told everyone that it was never a sexual thing to me but rather just a part of who I was. I know someties when I am stressed out or have difficult decisions to make, I tend to find myself regressing even when I don't mean to. I also get depressed a lot when I have to hide being a baby as well finding my temper gets more and more easier to set off the longer I stay away from being a baby. I do know how to be an adult when I have to be, but I don't like being an adult. One other thing that makes me think is knowing that I honestly do get a tinge of sibling jealousy when it comes to actual babies. It's not that I mean to get jealous, but rather just something inside me that gets me feeling that way.
I do admit I have a sexual attraction to just diapers themselves, but when I regress I want nothing to do with sex. All I want at that time is a mommy AND a daddy to love me and care for me as they would an actual baby with no sex involved. Maybe I am not a true Adult Baby. Maybe what I am is a TRUE baby and a Diaper Lover (DL). Could I have been wrong all these years in classifying myself amongst the adult babies?
Honestly, I think I already know why I have this tendency to be a baby. When you think about how I was taken from my true birth parents due to their lack of being able to raise me properly, pushed from home to home to where I never really got that much love from parents as a baby, and then when finally adopted was not shown much love from parents even then but instead was abused physically, mentally, and emotionally, you can actually say that the baby I was got mentally frozen inside of me due to all that trauma and wants to try and live again. The Diaper Lover fetish, I know comes from the way I was molested at 3 by the foster mother I was with.
It's so hard, though, to get someone who would understand and actually be the mommy and daddy that I need to maybe once and for all allow that baby to come out full time and be raised the way a baby should be raised in love, care, and support. Just about everyone tells me that I need to stop trying to get back my childhood because once it is gone whether good or bad, there is no going back. They are right in one way, but what they don't seem to get is that we all are only as young or as old as we feel we are inside. My body may have grown up, but my mind has not. Then of course with my mind still being a baby and my soul being a female, I guess I am always going to be a little baby girl until the baby in me gets the chance to actually live again. Only then do I feel my mind will be able to mature the right way. Of course, being so late in the game of life, I don't think my mind will ever be able to catch up to my body, but at least I hope it will have a chance to live before I pass into the next life.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
November 17- 5 Steps To Healthier Living
I know people struggle with difficulty throughout their whole life. I am doing this topic as an advice topic to help everyone on here to be able to get through these difficulties and hopefully promote healthier living for us all. A lot of people may look at the title of this topic and think I am talking about eating right, living drug free, and other such things that many associate with healthy living. However, I am actually speaking about things that come from within and not what a person can do with to their body to live healthier. Sure eating right, living drug free, and physical exercise helps to keep the physical body healthy, but what can we do to keep our mind, soul, and emotions healthy?
Here are 5 Steps that if followed will indeed help everyone on the track to keeping every part of what makes us unique healthy:
Step One: Determine exactly who and what you are. This can be done by asking yourself these questions: What (man, woman, transgender, bi, straight, gay, or lesbian) do you feel you are? What is it you enjoy doing? What do you not enjoy doing?
Step Two: Establish your own identity. This is done by using the answers to the previous step's questions. Take those answers to discover just who and what you truly are inside.
Step Three: Take necessary steps to become the true you. To do this there are other steps that you may need to take. What steps and the number of them that need to be taken depend on who you truly feel you are and how close to that you feel you are.
Step Four: Remind yourself daily of who and what you are inside. Always remember to look past the way you look on the outside. Also, this will help greatly to be able to ignore what others feel you should or should not be or do.
Step Five: Live your life your way and do not get caught up in living the way other people would want you to live. Keep in mind that you also have to respect others by not letting your true self interfere in other people's feelings, opinions, and life choices.
Here are 5 Steps that if followed will indeed help everyone on the track to keeping every part of what makes us unique healthy:
Step One: Determine exactly who and what you are. This can be done by asking yourself these questions: What (man, woman, transgender, bi, straight, gay, or lesbian) do you feel you are? What is it you enjoy doing? What do you not enjoy doing?
Step Two: Establish your own identity. This is done by using the answers to the previous step's questions. Take those answers to discover just who and what you truly are inside.
Step Three: Take necessary steps to become the true you. To do this there are other steps that you may need to take. What steps and the number of them that need to be taken depend on who you truly feel you are and how close to that you feel you are.
Step Four: Remind yourself daily of who and what you are inside. Always remember to look past the way you look on the outside. Also, this will help greatly to be able to ignore what others feel you should or should not be or do.
Step Five: Live your life your way and do not get caught up in living the way other people would want you to live. Keep in mind that you also have to respect others by not letting your true self interfere in other people's feelings, opinions, and life choices.
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