December 31- The End Of One Year; Beginning Of Another

Hello again to all my readers,

So tomorrow begins a whole new year for us, and today everyone is preparing to celebrate the death of the year we all survived through. Some believe that 2012 is the year the world will end, and many people are concerned of whether or not this will be the case. I say instead of focusing all our attention on watching to see if this is true or not, we should all look at this coming year as another year to try and better ourselves and carry on with our day to day lives living as though each day will be our last. Love one another more, care for one another more, show our loved ones how much mean to us each and every day as though we may one day wake up and not have them in our lives. This includes the friends we have that we hold close to our hearts as though they were family as well.

Do not let the fear or worry that the world may or may not end this year stop you from doing what everyone should have been doing each day of their adult lives. I say adult lives because children know not what they do except for what they were taught by the parents and adult society. If they were taught to love and care for everyone no matter what, then they would grow to know only that. Teach a child to hate and discriminate, and they will know only hate. The reason society is the way it is this day and age is because they were not taught different. I do not hold parents only responsible because society also teaches children by way of what the children see growing up. Parents can only do so much to teach them their ways and protect them from what society teaches.

This coming year, I hope to see more tolerance toward differences in race, sexual orientation, religion, gender (this includes those that are of the transgender categories), and what a person chooses as their fetish lifestyle. I also hope to see society become more tolerant to the unknown and things outside of the comfort zone of their own sense of normalcy. I know that this is a long shot to have this actually happen, but at least one can dream of a day like this.

I, myself, have my own New Year's resolutions. For one, I will budget my money better and not spend more than I have. Two, I will begin to pay back everyone I owe money to. Three, I will be a better father to my children despite living in a different state than them. Four, I will rebuild my credit. Five, I will work on my different flaws one at a time and finally correct those flaws to become a much better person. Finally, I will learn to balance my impulsion to give with the absolute need to take.

With all that off my chest and out there for everyone to have something to chew on, I hope all of you have a wonderful New Year's, and may it bring new hopes, dreams, and successes in everyone's lives. Take care and be safe always, and if you drink tonight, don't drive!

December 24th- What Exactly Is An Adult Baby?

Hello again to all my readers,

Today is Christmas Eve, and depression is hitting me hard. The reason was explained in yesterday's blog post, but now I want to go deeper into why I feel the way I feel. I will also explain the way my thought process leads to many bad decisions in my life.

I don't know how many of you have heard the terms "adult baby" and "diaper lover" before, but there is always a big dispute as to what being either of those really is. Some say it is a fetish, and others say it is a lifestyle, but they still come together to say it is a choice and not something they can't avoid. Very few mention how it could possibly be something mental. I am one who at first thought it to be a lifestyle choice, but throughout my life, I have started to believe it goes much deeper than just choosing to do what I do.

The reason I say this is because as I look back at my whole life and the decisions I made, I see a pattern begin to evolve. Many people have tried telling me the same thing I begin to realize today, but I always ignored them not wanting to hear the truth. I began my soul searching a year ago, and one thing that always came to mind was how my decisions always lead me into trouble. It was then I tried to figure out why. I know many people say not to use excuses and just except that you did wrong, but to every action there is a reason why that action takes place. Nothing happens just because. We don't make mistakes just because. Say you're in a cement factory, and the cement comes out being too watery. First you want to figure out why did it come out that way. If it was a machine that didn't work right, you have to figure out why the machine didn't work right. Then if a person didn't fix the machine like they were supposed to, you have to figure out why the person didn't fix it right. The list goes on and on, but the question why is always brought up. That "why?" is the reason that most people want to overlook and tend to call an excuse. Taking out the "why" allows them to be lazy and just point blame to someone rather than an event that could have started the whole chain off leading up to the mistake made.

One such event could be the way a person grew up, and it sets up the complete chain of events throughout a person's entire life. An abused child most of the time grows up to be an abuser, and so on and so on. There are still a rare few that are able to break the cycle and learn not to be an abuser knowing how it feels to be abused.

This now brings me to my own life. I was taken from my real parents, put into foster homes where I never got enough parental love and was once abused sexually, and then adopted into a family where the supposed to be father figure abused me physically. Now in my adult life, I find myself most often thinking like a child and being comfortable wear diapers and doing other baby things as though that is what I am. Back to my decisions. When I have had a decision to make, I know I always made the wrong one. So why? Why do I make the wrong ones? The answer could be as simple as my thinking process is still time frozen as a child and never had time to grow because of my childhood misfortunes. The thinking process may be a child's thinking process, but my reasoning process has grown and is in its adulthood. When I have to make a decision, my child thinking process thinks of the most fun and immediately gratifying choice, and my adult reasoning process just comes up with good reasoning as to why that choice is the right choice. In other words, all my reasoning process does is figure out what to reason to other people to make what my thinking process has decided right. Of course, it is the wrong choice because it is a choice a child would make and not an adult. Now, can this be helped? Many may say it can, and very few will say no. Still, I think it can be helped in a way many adults except those who understand the adult baby and diaper lover would disapprove of. They fail to see that an adult baby is an adult, but also a baby.

Why do I say that? I say that because an adult baby is indeed an adult in that they can socialize, work, and do many things an adult does, but they are a baby in the way they think some or most of the time, act some or most of the time, and dress whether by choice or by what feels right to them. It's the baby part that society fails to acknowledge in an adult baby. That's why they cannot bring themselves to treat an adult baby as a baby and not a full adult. I can't speak for all adult babies, but I do know that's what depresses me around the holidays. I would just love for once to be treated as a baby would be treated around Christmas. The parental love, coddling, ohs and ahs as I open my gifts, being filled with holiday spirit from a parental figure, staying up late Christmas Eve waiting for Santa with my Mommy and/or Daddy, putting cookies and milk for the big man, and a parent's watchful eyes as I play with all my new bought toys. All that is gone now, so Christmas has become just another day.

That's the deeper insight into what I posted yesterday. It could probably go even deeper, but I think I have gone far enough. If I go any further, you may get trapped in my mind. Until next time, see you.

December 23rd- Holiday Blues

Hello again to all my readers,

I know it has been a very long time since I last posted a blog report here. I have been through hell and back since I decided to once again turn my wheels and continue my wandering ways. This time, it lead my to the great state of Texas in a town called Forney. From there, I would up in Downtown Dallas at a place called Dallas Life Foundation. I stayed for a week before I got conned into getting out of there and staying a weekend in Buckner with someone who pretended to be my friend only to leave me stranded at the Wal-Mart near his motel and take all my belongings except for the clothes I had on.

You think that I would learn from that experience, but I foolishly ran to some supposed to be Christians for help. They did take me in and give me food and clothing, but the price for that was to be accused of not being saved when I knew in my heart I was all because I didn't believe what they were trying to spread about their beliefs. They tried to tell me that I didn't know the "true" God nor the "true" Jesus because I don't feel that fear is the ONLY path to get to know them. I don't believe that once you are saved you have to literally walk on egg shells and give up all means of fun like going dancing, going see a movie or bowling with friends, or anything like that. Then, they told me I either had to believe like them or leave. Of course, after giving them one thought that God put in my heart to give them, I left. The thought I gave them was that no path to righteousness should ever be forced on anyone. They argued that Jesus and God did force people to believe in them, but I wonder what bible they got that from. The bible I know says that we have a choice to believe or not. It also says to LOVE the Lord your God, not fear Him, and John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever BELIEVES in Him shall not die, but have everlasting life. From those two scriptures I see that belief in the Lord and Love of the Lord are the only two things I need to do.

After I left them, I once again found myself in Downtown Dallas for a night. The next day, my friend Casandra decided to get me some help since I was ready to kill myself to end all my suffering. She took me to Timberlawn Mental Hospital, and I stayed there close to a full month. After my stay there, I ended up in Mesquite, which is very close to where my journey began. I am currently still in Mesquite.

With that update out of the way, I can get down to the true subject of this blog. Christmas is once again upon us, and many are actually rejoicing this holiday season. There are others who, like me, are experiencing holiday blues. I can't speak for them and say why they are, but for me, holidays are a constant reminder of how I'm no longer a child and getting older by the years. Holidays are no longer as fun as they used to be for me because it is the children of the world that get the most attention during the holidays. Even my roommate, Tim, said it best yesterday when he said that Christmas is more for the children than the adults. I would just love for one time to be able to have a chance to celebrate Christmas as a child. I'm not talking about being able to have that fun by watching another child having Christmas fun. My Christmas wish is to be viewed as a child and given the same Christmas attention the regular children get. Of course, that can never happen because I am an adult, and no one will ever except an adult acting like a child, nor will they ever treat one as such. This is the reminder I get every Christmas when children get their toys, and I end up getting nothing.

With that said, I say Bah Humbug! to those who would wish me a merry Christmas, but Merry Christmas to those whom this holiday still means something to.

May 29th- Sunday Again

Here we are at Sunday again. As promised, I have yet another anti-bible study for my readers. Today, I will focus more on the contradictions of what the bible says about homosexuality and also about the ideas of more than one god and goddesses as well as why we cannot simply use masculine pronouns when speaking of our great creator.
Many people against homosexuality use what I already talked about in my last Sunday post, and still more use the scripture of Sodom and Gomorah. Looking through my bible that I was given (the one I used last Sunday), I see nothing about homosexuality and what the people of these two cities actually did wrong. In the older bibles they talk about homosexuality, fornication, idol worship, and human sacrifices. In fact, in Genesis 18:20-21 it reads only, "And the Lord said, 'Because the outcry against Sodom and Gomorah is so great, and because their sin is very grave. I will go down now and see whether the have done altogether according to the outcry against it that has come to Me, and if not, I will know.' " I then went into the concordance in the back to see if there was any mention of the word homosexuality in this bible. No surprise to me finding there was none. As you can see, this scripture does not even go into detail as to why the two cities were destroyed in this newer version of the bible. The only reason priests back in the day had to include that word in older bibles was indeed because of their own disapproval of homosexuality in order to get people to follow them and also disapprove of it. This is why I say, the bible is nothing but a book that is written and interpreted the way the person doing so wishes people to hear in order to manipulate those people into believing their belief. They had to take all that other stuff out due to the rising of the GLBT community so as not to insight a riot.
Next topic concerns our great creator and how in every bible, people refer to this creator as He, Him, and His. However, looking through my bible to find the scripture once presented a long time back about God's face is so bright, brighter than the sun, that to look upon it would mean instant death. Surprisingly, I could not find this scripture, nor did my ex-uncle in-law ever remember hearing this very scripture before. Yet, I know for certain it was once written if not now. I shall look more deeper for it and attempt to speak of it again in the future. I can, however, speak of the facts pointing to more than the one God people try to say is the only God.
In my last post I spoke of the part in Genesis, but now to go even deeper in the ten commandments. Exodus 20:1-3 says, "And God spoke all these words saying, 'I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me." It does not say You shall have no other gods other than Me. No! It says before Me. Our creator here is indeed acknowledging the facts of more than one god or goddess but wishes that we not worship them above our creator. There is the highest of the high, our creator, but there are also lesser gods and goddesses under this creator.
Until I find that scripture about God's face, I will have to just say that the bible is indeed a lie created by the hands of men who only wished to control everyone else by writing the bible in the first place and then adding and taking away as suited to their own belief they wanted to brainwash everyone into believing as well. To me, I wonder if the Wiccans are more correct in their belief of no deity at all but rather maybe it is the very power of the four elements of nature that rule over us. Maybe there is no God or Devil except for those which we ourselves create by what we do to others as well as the reasons why we do them. I say that is also included because people can do good things for others, but it is their motives behind why they are doing those good things that determine what they will get in return. Someone who does good for selfish reasons may not get what they are seeking if the good deed does not come from the heart but only for such things as expecting something back in return or even to not have to face something within themselves. Wicca creed states, "An it harm none, so mote it be." This means we are free to do as we wish as long as it does not harm others or ourselves. They also say that whatever you cast unto others returns to us ten fold. If we cast evil, evil shall come to us, but if we cast good from our heart and not for personal gain of any type, we shall receive nothing but good. My sister, Christine Bordelon, once told me that if you wish to attract positive, you must first think positive, act positive, and do positive things. This is similar to what the Wiccans believe.
I shall leave you now with all this to think about. Take care and be safe always.

May 24th- New Blog Up For Mule Account

Hello again to all my readers. Today, I don't have anything to really post about. At least, not on this blog. I have created a secondary blog on my mule account, sissyfireheartthrall@gmail.com. This blog is: Phoenix's Flight For Freedom and will be used for any post I may have that is speaking out against injustice toward everyone whether it comes from the government or from so-called family and friends. I wanted to keep this one here opened for just random thoughts and other things like my Sunday teachings I started this past Sunday. Anyway, feel free to check out my other blog and maybe follow that one as well. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 22nd- Something To Ponder

Being today is what many believe to be the sabbath day, I have a treat for all my readers. I want to talk about different religious beliefs in a way I may not have spoken of before to give all of you something to think about. I know I have already spoken of the different religions in previous blogs and also what I believe, but now I want to look in depth into why I feel the book people call the bible is nothing but lies and contradictions. First off, just this day being nominated as the sabbath is a falsehood made by mankind itself. Our calenders were made showing Sunday being the first day and the seventh being Saturday. How is it then that Sunday is the sabbath day? In some parts of the world Sunday is the last day on the calender and the week shows Monday as the first day. No one truly knows which day is the sabbath because there was no such thing as days or time when the world was first created, so it would be difficult to determine on what day our great creator rested.
Let's for today discuss the creation of mankind as written in the book of Genesis. I will be using passages coming from a bible copyrighted in 1994 by Thomas Nelson in the book of Genesis with what I knew older versions to say in parenthesis.
Genesis 1:26-27 "Then God said, 'Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.' So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. (in older versions the part of male and female was omitted leaving only He created them.)" First thing brought to question is why I put the words "us" and "our" in italics. I did this to emphasize one huge question in that some believe in the holy trinity while others believe God is the father, the son, and the holy spirit. For those who believe in God being all those, who then was God referring to when He said Us and Our? Those who believe in the holy trinity would of course use this to support their belief that there was indeed a holy trinity and it is the other two to whom He was speaking to.
Genesis 2: 2 "And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which God had created." Notice it does not say exactly what day was the seventh day, so why does mankind continue to place a day to this event? I guess it is because they feel the need to have a day set just as they feel the need to have time at all. It is to make things easier for them so that they do not just go running around with absolutely no idea what time it is or what day it is. Without time and day, people would not be able to know exactly where to be when they are supposed to be. For this reason mankind created time and day as well the years.
Genesis 2:7 "And the Lord formed man from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being." Hold the phone! I thought God had already created mankind. Why then does the bible contradict itself by saying it was not until after He had rested that man was first created? I have the answer. In older versions, it does not speak of Adam being the first man that was created. However, in Genesis 2:21-23 "And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord had taken from man He made into a woman (in older version it just says He created Eve), and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: 'This is now bone of my bone And flesh of my flesh; She then shall be called woman Because she was taken out of Man. (in older versions it adds "Thus the first woman was formed from the rib of man and given life." or something along those lines. It is hard to remember exactly what was written, but I do know there was indication that Eve was the very first woman created.) I'm sure by now you can see the differences and also things to think about for today. Men were indeed created first and Adam was NOT the first man, but Eve was indeed the first woman. The book had to be re-written, however, when the whole gay and lesbian affairs sprung up in order to justify every religion that speaks against such acts. "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," is one common quote spoken by those against gays and lesbians. Not according to what I have read in older versions of the bible. Man was indeed created first and it was only men at first until Eve came to be.
I believe I will save more for next Sunday since there are so many other things I can point out as contradictions and to list them all would make this entry too long. Next Sunday, I will continue this by discussing contradictions between saying He and Him when talking about God and the truth that shows just how it is sexist to women as well as more on the whole gay phobia that man has used the book to justify themselves for. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 20th- Hero Complex?

I have once again been doing a little soul searching to try and figure myself out. This time, I have been evaluating my compulsion to help anyone in need so much that in the end my own needs get overlooked. I thought back to all the times I would go without just because someone else needed help and also the times when I would beat myself up when I could not help without having the means to do so. One thought had come to me a few days ago. Maybe I have a hero complex if there is such a thing. Yesterday, I tried to explain it to myself the only way I knew how. Maybe I have this hero complex because rather than face the truth of me being the one who truly needs help, I want to mask this by exerting all my focus on helping others instead. This lead me to just now looking up hero complex on the web to see if there truly was such a thing. I got this from Wikibin.org:

Hero Complex

The Hero Complex is a compulsion to help others and make the world right. Although not officially considered a disorder or disease, there is an increasing number of people who 'suffer' from it. Many fictitious heroes and main characters seem to have this as well, but note that there is a difference between helping others out of choice and feeling compelled to. It may also be associated with Zoological Altruism- Instinctive cooperative behavior that is detrimental to the individual but contributes to the survival of close relatives, thus making it more likely to be passed on.

Traits
Those who have a "Hero Complex" tend to feel that the current life they live is insufficient. For most, the need will ebb and flow. There will be days where they will ask questions like why they have had the role thrust upon them, if what they're doing is really going to make a difference, and sometimes even why they care in the first place.

Many believe that they could do more if they had the means to, whether it is in terms of money, power, or something else held in prestige. Most wait quietly believing that someday they will find these means, although some go out to "find" them on their own. They also often ask the question 'is this really enough?' or 'am I doing the right thing?' Usually such questions have a demoralizing effect, but many who have the Hero Complex will be motivated to find these answers. They are very loyal and dependable, and when given a challenge will almost always find a way to complete it...if they see it as a useful challenge. These traits make them great leaders and friends, for their extensive thought process makes them great at giving advice and opinions in addition to lending their abilities and talents when they can. However, the universal respect societies have for such people leads many to ignore the negative implications. Their high standards might not only carry the risk of overextending themselves and causing depression and withdrawal, they might lead the individual to become destructive (see "Villain-Complex" below).

In fulfilling these desires, they will take on a more benevolent behavior, and 'unlock' the true meanings of themselves. This is the true need of those who have a Hero Complex.

The person suffering from true Hero Complex will have hallucinations of saving the people they care about most. They have day dreams that include saving friends/family from fires, drowning, etc. They can also get a feeling inside of them like their stomach dropped ten feet. This usually occurs when they view someone in pain. Whether its a movie, video game, or real life, their Hero Complex can be triggered by someone elses misfortune. Crying is a big weakness for those with Hero Complex. Even if the person in need is an enemy, a Hero Complex will try to help. As stated above, this is not just having a "big heart" it is a compulsion to help others. If they don't they feel horrid and think they aren't good people.

Causes
While not everyone who has been disappointed at some point in their lives will develop a hero complex, almost everyone with one has been in some way or another. One cause may be trying to atone for a sense of worthlessness. This sense may be caused by underlying stress from the inability to complete certain everyday tasks. Alternatively, because of the lack of modern-day heroes, the sufferer may be trying to compensate for a loss of 'icons' in modern societies, and they look inward instead of outward for their own gratification. They may feel guilt for not helping others in the past, or they may have felt pain at a previous point in their lives and are motivated by fear of seeing that pain inflicted on others.

Coping
Although there is no "treatment", many look for ways to find release from their troubled worlds instead of having to confront it. Often, a release can be found in video games, because of their allowance for one to enact heroic roles, or in personifications of heroes (i.e. Movies and comics or role-playing). The effects are not permanent, but can lead to an addiction to false realities. Perhaps the best thing for "victims" to do is accept there are some things we cannot change and others just need time. At other times, the best thing to do is to try to make a change, as long as the goal is within reach.

Villain Complex
A few of those who have the Hero Complex may begin to turn towards the 'dark side'. This can happen to those who either have an objective so narrow (acquiring power, defeating a nemesis) that they lose sight of everything else, or those who become so powerful they begin to use might alone to set things right. The need to help becomes the want to hurt. They often lose sight of those they are trying to help, who they might even come to despise as weak and deserving of punishment. They become intolerable of weakness and anything that deviates from their vision of a perfect world, and before long, they become the oppressors when all they wanted was to set things right. Some, like Anakin Skywalker, do not even realize they are hurting those they were trying to help and do not see the negative impact they are having.

If left in this thinking too long, they may become unrecoverable.


Though many of these listed traits actually do fit me, there's also something not included in this. In fact, my cousin, Craig Aucoin, said it best yesterday when I made a comment that I don't like spending too much money. He said, "On yourself, you don't, but you sure love spending it on others." I had to stop in my tracks because I wanted to argue with him, but dang it, he was so very correct in saying that. I would more likely spend money on what others want or need, than when it would come to something I wanted or needed. With others, it doesn't matter how much it costs. They wouldn't even have to exert a desperate need for it. All someone would have to do is say they wish they had something and immediately I feel compelled to do whatever I could to get it for them and feel so bad about it when I couldn't.
Notice this also has a bit about the reverse of the hero complex, the Villain Complex. The part in the Villain Complex that states that soon "the need to help becomes the want to hurt" is rather vague. Does this mean the want to hurt others or the want to be hurt? I don't ever want to hurt others, but I almost do feel the want to be hurt. I do have this programmed theory that everyone ends up hurting me in the end one way or another due to my having been hurt so many times by people I thought I could trust, and maybe I feel so strongly about this programmed response that I actually do tend to set myself up to be hurt just to prove the theory right. Still, I cannot see how this fits the whole Hero Complex or even a Villain one. A villain to me is someone who gets off on hurting others because they are better, stronger, faster, or smarter than the ones they hurt and are out to prove this by any means necessary. They strive to be on top even if it means using deceiving, lying, manipulating, or cruel means to do just this. That, I know for damn sure is NOT me! Sure, I do sometimes wish the ones I help would help me in return and get totally discouraged when they don't even to the point I would get angry at them for not doing so. Still, I do know that there are some I help that can't help but want to and also those who can but won't. Either way, I couldn't see myself forcing anyone to help me or trying to be on top by any means necessary. I am very content with being on the bottom because I know that I'm the one holding everyone up. We can't all be at the top because someone has to be at the bottom, right? Is this line of thinking part of the Hero Complex? You tell me so we will both know. Maybe it is time to "turn in my cape" and start helping myself for a change, but that is easier said than done. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 19th- Ain't No Rest For The Wicked

First, I would like to apologize for not updating in a while. Internet was down due to not being paid until this past Monday. Then, I was spending most of my time getting free games and music so that when (not if) the internet goes out again, I'll have things to occupy my time until it comes back. I say when because I know it will go out again since Charter is such a piece of crap it goes out every week it seems. Honestly, I am getting fed up with that. I don't like the idea of paying for something I can't use more than I can. Of course, the internet here is under my ex-uncle in-law, Leonie Aucoin's, name and he doesn't care much for the internet enough to do anything about it or switch providers, so there is not much I can do except to just go along with what he chooses. He even told me he is thinking about just dropping the internet and phone next month, so I may be having to go without for good. He says he may keep it, but he really does not want to since it is costing him too much money.
This brings me to the topic of my discussion today. We're supposed to be living in a "free" country. We're supposed to have certain "freedoms". Notice I said "supposed to" in each of those statements. I have come to learn in my 30 years of life, freedom is not free and nothing in this world is free. Freedom of speech only goes as far as what the government allows you to say. If you go against what they want you to say, you're labeled as a terrorist and stripped of your freedom of speech right. Freedom of religion only goes so far as agreeing with the government's religion. An example of this was the one man who hosted a Koran bible burning. Our government refused to step in, but let someone host a King James bible book burning, and I bet 10 to 1 the government will not allow that to happen. Why? Because the government believes in the King James bible and to against their belief would land you as a terrorist. Free? What is free? Nothing in this world is 100% free. Offers you see online claiming to be 100% free ask you to accept so many offers from sponsors before you get the 100% free from them. Catch is, all the offers require payment. The TV shows ads for "free" online games such as Star Wars and Jump Start. You go to play them and they are free........... to a certain extent. Once you reach a certain level or complete so many games, you have to pay to keep playing. Beware the word "free". Nothing is just given to you without some catch that requires you to poke out cash from your pocket.
I leave you all now with the words from Cage the Elephant, "There ain't no rest for the wicked." Crime is at an all time high just because people are having to resort to crime just to make it in this damn country and maybe the whole world for that matter. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 12th- What is Love?

Many times I have questioned this, and yet I still do not know. I know what I feel, but to say that I know what love actually is would be a lie. There's been many I have felt strong emotions toward. Some, it was for. Others, it was against.
I grew up being taught that love was honesty, trust, loyalty, care, respect, sacrifice, understanding, acceptance, honor, and protection. Honesty builds trust, but without trust it is hard to tell if one or the other is truly being honest. Loyalty can also be referred to as faithfulness in which you both are faithful to one another and only to one another do you cling to without going behind one another to secretly be with someone else. Care, to me, is when you care about your partner and your partner cares enough about you that you both are always seeking the safety and happiness of the other and do anything within each your own power to see that the other gets just that. Respect is knowing the limits of your partner and trying to remain inside those limits and same for your partner. It can also be letting your partner be and do what they want to be or do without trying to force them to be or do otherwise as your partner does for you. Sacrifice is when both of you will do anything to be with each other even if it means going somewhere or doing something that you or they may not care to go or do or even feel safe going or doing. It is putting yourself on the side for your partner just to be sure they are safe and happy and vice a versa. It is also a way to show care. Understanding is when despite the differences of your partner, you understand their feelings and interests and try to share in those feeling and interests without trying to make that person feel or be interested in something else. This goes hand and hand with acceptance because to show understanding, you must accept your partner for those differences and look past them to find the similarities that bring you two together instead. Honor is still a mystery to me as much as the word love is. Protection is when you would put yourself on the line to have your partner be safe from all types of harm that may come to them, and they do the same for you.
It's so funny how I know what all those words mean except for honor, but yet I still search for the true meaning of love. In all my relationships, I was the one who stood firm to each and every one of those things, but in the end love seemed to be just a word my partner had thrown out to me just to get what they wanted from me. Some, it was money. Others, it was sex. Still others, it was for the thrill of having so much power over me they felt they could control me way beyond my limits. I now feel very strong emotions for someone I met a year ago (and she knows who she is), and I sit here wondering if this will finally be the one who will teach me the true meaning of love. I feel in my heart she will, but yet my mind is afraid I may again be wrong. I want so badly to follow my heart and take a leap of faith, but when my heart has failed me so many times before due to the softness and ease with which it attaches itself to just anyone who ever claimed they loved me, that actually showed interest in what I had to say, and anyone who said all the right words I needed to hear, it is easy to see why I hesitate. Even so, I will not stop taking those chances because I never know when that leap will land me right where I need to be.
What is love? I leave all my readers now with that question. Take care and be safe always everyone.

May 7th- Deep Thought Leads To Search For More Insight

I have been thinking real hard on something that has bothered me for some time now. That something being that I really don't know what I am like as a female. I know I am a female despite my male body, but having adapted certain personality traits of maleness just to hide the truth from others to keep myself safe from rejection or getting hurt from closed-minded individuals who only wish to destroy what they don't understand, I now wonder as I begin to peel these traits away so that I can finally be the female I know myself to be just what is my female personality.
I once thought myself to be more of a Gothic type girl because of my love for skulls, dragons, the colors red and black, flames and things a Goth would naturally love. Now, I wonder just how much of that is my girl self and how much is just the male personality I adapted to. Honestly, I never even truly liked the color pink or purple for that matter, but as I grow closer to my female self, I find I really am drawn to those colors and am beginning to see myself wearing lots of pink and purple clothing. It's almost as if I am drawn to those colors now more than I used to. I did put pink as a favorite color, but I always put it last being it was not my most favorite until now.
I also thought I was a type of girl who was not what some would call a "girly-girl", yet looking at the photos from Sissy Kiss where "girly-girl" reigns supreme, I am finding my heart yearning to be just like those in the pictures. I do know for a certain fact I am very emotional, tender-hearted, gentle, hate fighting, and would rather allow myself to be hurt than hurt anyone else. These traits are indeed more known to be for girls than for guys. Of course, that is just a general census of how society sees as the differences between girls and boys. Some girls are indeed more like guys, but I am still so confused that I begin to wonder whether I am more like a guy or more girly than I wanted to admit.
Maybe once I am able to reveal the female I am, I will finally be able to discover my true personality. Already, I find male things I was once interested in are no longer appealing to me. Wrestling, for one, used to be something I just had to watch every time it was on, but now I have gotten so uninterested in it that even watching it only on Mondays is beginning to make me wonder why I even bother.
I guess my real question is have I adapted so well to being a male even though I'm not that I have been able to fool everyone including myself? I just hope the answers come before I do become a female in both soul and body. Take care everyone and be safe always. Above all else, to thine ownself be true.

May 5th- A Funny Poem Revised

I figured I would take a break from the serious posting I normally do and share with all my readers a funny poem that I revised from something silly my birth father once told me. I guess if I had to pick a title, it would be The Craziest Thing. Anyway, hope you all enjoy it.

The Craziest Night

There is this story I feel I must tell.
It happened long ago, but I remember it well.
'Twas a dry and stormy night when two dead brothers rose up to fight.
They turned to face each other; one back to another,
drew their swords, and shot each other.
Not that story there is sad but true.
If you don't believe me, here's what you do.
Go ask the blind man across the hall.
He'll tell you; he saw it all.

They say laughter is the best medicine for whatever emotional illness we may have. If that's the case, I hope I have helped all of you to feel maybe just a slight bit better. Take care and be safe always everyone. Never forget to take time out to laugh.

May 4th- Dreams Do Come True

Ever since I accepted my sometimes uncontrollable regressions, I dreamed of someday finding the perfect mommy and/or daddy that would be true, understanding, accepting, loving, loyal, caring, protective, kind, and everything a baby would expect in them to be towards me. As the years flew by with no such luck, I began to fear I would never achieve that dream. Even almost a year ago when I met my mommy on Second Life, I had doubts whether my dream would become a reality. Now, after a year of really getting to know my mommy, I have to say that dreams really do come true. Not only do I finally have a mommy that is everything I dreamed of, I also have a daddy in her hopefully soon to be husband. Both of them are everything I mentioned above and so much more.
My only regret is that they live so far away, but I know that one day we all will be a family together in real life. That day will truly begin the bright future I see ahead of us. Don't ask me how I know it will be because all I can tell you is that I just know. I feel it deep inside despite the doubts I also feel due only to the failures I have had in my past. The past is the past, and to dwell upon it would be to hold myself hostage from being able to move forward and enjoying the mommy and daddy I now have.
The bad news I have to report, however, is that mommy's computer suffered a power surge and got damaged. I know she has posted a blog on it already, but now I would like to extend this message to all my readers as well in hopes maybe someone out there can lend a hand in helping mommy, daddy, and me to be able to get her computer fixed so we can keep in contact until the day comes when we will be together. I thank all of you ahead of time that can and do help and as always take care and be safe always everyone.

April 30- All Quiet On The Homefront

Now that everything has pretty much settled down on the home front, I am finally back in the right mind to be able to post in my blog. Before I post what I am about to post on, please be aware that this is only my thoughts on MY personal transition (as well as what I know society in my area to be like when it comes to such things) and not meant to be saying that other transsexuals should think this way or even feel like I do. I am one who feels every transsexual goes through transition in each their own way and that it is not for us to say they are any more or any less a transsexual than another. This is my way. It may be that someone else feels the same way, but whether they do or not is not important. I also want to first give a few updates on my progress of my transition. I have finally been able to successfully grow my hair long without it just going all wild as it once did before. I tried growing my nails and hoped they would not break this time. However, one broke today unfortunately. Now it's going to have to be back to square one with my nails since I cannot stand one being short and all others being long. If one is short, they all will need to be cut and regrown with hopefully better results. I did have some nail strengthener polish somewhere, but I have to locate where I put it so that after cutting them I can put that on them as they grow. Hopefully, that will solve the issue of them breaking so easily. Once they are stronger, I plan to go to a local nail salon and have them shaped evenly instead of just flat like they are now.
With that said, let's move right along into what I want to talk about. I have noticed many using the term, "passing off as" when referring to how they want to look like after they transition. Males who transition to females talk about being able to "pass off" as a female in public and vice-a-versa. To me, I don't just want to "pass off" as a woman, I want to be a woman. In other words, I already see myself as a woman, but I want others to not only see me as one but also know me as one. Before you say this is quite a contradiction as to what I just said, let me explain what I see as the difference between "passing off as" and actually being a woman and what it means to be known as one. When someone passes off as something to me means that they pretend or play a part to make others know them to be something that they know themselves to not be. Being that something is a whole lot different because not only do people see them as that something, but they are indeed that something. I know my body may be that of a male so others see male when they look at me, but I am not a male. I AM a female that wants others to see and know me as a female. To do this, I just know I have to have gender reassignment surgery.
I know there are plenty risks involved with the surgery. Costs, the possibility of the surgery coming out wrong in some way, not being comfortable in the body afterwards due to some imperfection from the surgery, and as of now there being some parts that cannot be made as authentic as an actual woman's parts are just a few. Still, when I weigh the alternative of just going out in public dressed as a woman but still having all male parts and the risks involved with that, I feel a surgery is worth the risks. Risks of the opposite end of the coin would include accidental exposure of anything that would clearly give away the gender of the body, people harassing you even to the point of getting physically violent with you, getting killed, and loss of job and/or the ability to comfortably interact with society. The last one can also be included with the risk of actually becoming a woman after being a man. Also, accidental death can be added. To me, I would risk accidental death more than I would someone actually killing me because they see me just as a man dressed in women's clothing. That's all for today. Take care and be safe always everyone.

March 26- Welcome To My World

Everyone has their own idea as to what is right, wrong, normal, and just plain weird. In a sense, we all live in our very own world defined by these ideas. I now issue an open invitation to get a look inside my mind, heart, and soul to really be able to know me. Welcome to my world. Enter at your own risk for there be some things you may be appalled by for I hold nothing to secret and always expose everything about my world that I live in.
In my world, no human or animal gets left behind. Strangers, friends, family, homeless, and even those who are different than me are all still people. I do not leave them go hungry and would not even leave them without a home if it were up to me. Birds, reptiles, felines, canines, wild, pets, strays are all still animals. I do not leave them go hungry and would not leave them without a home if it were up to me. For both people and animals alike, I do not abuse, disrespect, or neglect any.
In my world, I am queen over all but ruler of none. I am the queen of all because the world is my kingdom and I am female despite my outer appearance. I am ruler of none because all are free to do what they love and be what they feel they are as long as their actions do no harm to other people or animals.
In my world, I am judge and jury. I am both judge and jury that lives by the golden rule of, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." What others do to someone else whatever it may be, I get down to the bottom of who is at fault and who is not. This makes me the jury that decides that in the end. I am then the judge that sentences the guilty party to whatever they did to the innocent.
In my world, free is truly free. There are no hidden costs or strings that come with the freedom I give except for the boundaries I set in that if it harms none, so let it be done. I give freely without expecting anything in return unless someone decides not to be satisfied with what I give them.
In my world, there is peace and love shown amongst all living things both human and nature alike. I do unto others as I would them to do unto me and expect all under me to do the same.
In my world it is okay for an adult to relive their childhood to whatever extent they feel suits them as long as they do no physical harm to others or themselves. Everyone has an inner child, and the age of the inner child will vary from one individual to the next.
In my world, everyone chooses their own label. They are all known and referred as by what they determine they are even if their outer appearance suggests otherwise. Not to do so is disrespect.
This is my world. Take care and be safe always everyone.

March 25- Mind And Soul At War And Heart Torn In Between

I know I said in my previous entry that it was a good day to die, and in my mind, I still do wish I would not still be here. However, my soul has defied my mind and has once again risen from the ashes. I like to think of my mind, heart, and soul as being three separate bodies inside one vessel. My mind is constantly at war with my soul, and my heart is caught in the middle.
My mind tells my soul that enough is enough and that it is pointless to keep coming back alive only to be killed once more by the way people are in the world today. My soul continues to fight back because it wants so badly to be seen for the female it really is and will not give up until that day comes. My heart is like a rope that my mind and soul tug upon because half of it agrees that enough is enough and does not want to be shattered anymore, but the other half wants so badly to be loved and wanted by someone who will both accept and understand in order to be loved for just being itself and not for any other alternative motives.
What can I do? I guess since my soul is pretty much what makes me ME, I have no choice but to continue on rising up from the ashes until it decides to finally cease to exist. Take care and be safe always everyone.

March 23- Today Is A Good Day To Die

Today is a good day to die and death to me would be such sweet surrender. I'm so tired of just surviving one attack after another. I've been beaten, broken, torn apart, burned, shot, crapped on, chewed up, spit out, and tossed to the curb like gutter trash. Each time, I rose up from the ashes and tried to climb back up to the top only to have the cycle begin again. There comes a point where even a phoenix gives up the ghost and ceases to exist. That time is upon me now. What's this life for? Why should I continue living when everyone or everything I ever love ends up with me losing them, having to give them up, or them turning their backs on me and putting me through yet another cycle of hell? There have been a few who have always cared and had my back, but not enough of them to show me that there is still good enough reason to continue fighting. What is the meaning of life? To me, it is pain, suffering, heartache, turmoil, physical abuse, neglect, mental abuse, verbal abuse, betrayal, lies, mother's that neglect their children or force the father out of their kids life by being too controlling, and even sexual abuse by a foster mother to her 3 year old foster child. I've had some good times, but more bad times than anyone else could have ever been able to handle. I'm amazed I've even survived this long when so many would have given up if they had gone through everything I have. Christians claim God does not give you more than you can handle, but I beg to differ. This so-called God of theirs sure has given me more than I can handle. Today is truly a good day to die. Farewell to all those who actually do give a damn whether I live or die and to all my readers.

March 16- One Main Question That Can Ask Many More

In today's society, there is so much that is kept from being made known to everyone living on this planet when it comes to gender and sexual orientation that one who really tries to discover that which is kept hidden is most often left with many questions. Millions and millions of questions begin to form in their minds, but only one question is used to ask this multitude of questions. Sure, there are a few of the questions that use other ones than this, but almost all the questions are "Why?"
My ex-uncle in-law and I had a huge disagreement once over the simple idea that two transwomen (females who are born in male bodies) could have a successful relationship. His point of view came from his watching a television channel called Logo. He told me, "There are no accounts of two transwomen ever having a successful relationship. I've never seen it on Logo, and that is the gayest channel there is. If they don't show it, then it's because it isn't possible." My point of view came more from a sense of gender not being in the same category of sexual orientation. I told him that I believed just as lesbians (females who are only attracted to other females) can co-exist as one being the male persona and the other being the female persona, so can two transwomen. With all of that said, my question is this, "Why are there no accounts of two transwomen coexisting in a relationship broadcasted on television?" I'm sure there have been many successful relationships of this type because I have seen online accounts of it, but yet the television media seems to want to keep this quiet for some reason. Again I ask, "Why?"
I went to the library two days ago and wanted to do some research on gender identity disorder (the diagnosis that many transgendered people are given in order for society to label our gender diversity as being a psychological problem more than a physical one). I couldn't find any books on my own, so the librarian looked in his computer for any books the library may have had dealing with the subject. He found a few pages in reference books that I would have had to make copies of since those kind of books are forbidden to be checked out. As I looked them over, he also had found five books that I could check out. Out of the five that I brought home, only one actually dealt with gender and not sexual orientation. Of course, it wasn't his fault. He had only looked up what I had asked for, and it was the search that produced these books. My question is, "Why is there so common a misconception among society that gender is connected with sexual orientation to where even when searching for books on gender diversity, one will mostly be directed to books of sexual orientation information?"
I am now reading the one book that has the actual information I sought after, and even in this book alone there are many questions brought up with the one common question. "Why are transwomen so much more hated than transmen (men born in the body of a woman)?", "Why is it that women are more allowed to publicly dress as men than for men to dress publicly as women?", "Why are there so many theories as to why we are what we are?", "Why can't society be more satisfied with gender diversity being a medical disease than to have it listed as a mental disease?", "Why are men and transmen thought only to be cruel and hateful in today's society especially when I know through experience that women can be just as cruel and hateful?", "Why are women and transwomen viewed as unable to be strong enough to protect themselves?", "Why, why, why?" I leave the last three open for any other questions an individual may have that asks the question of why.
As you can see, there truly is just one main question that can ask many more. In closing, I will leave all my readers with one question, "Why can't we all just learn to live as what we feel we are and let others do the same?" Take care and be safe always everyone.

March 15- The Evil Within

"You will never be able to defeat all evil for the evil lies within. To defeat it, you would have to defeat your own self." This was something that came to me in a dream two nights ago. I didn't understand what it meant right away until I pondered it over and over. Then, I began to look within myself and back to all my actions I have ever done in my life as well as the things done to me. There were many people that have truly hurt me, but there were also many times when I only perceived what someone was doing as harmful to me as well. Instead of asking for the person to better explain their actions so I would not take it the wrong way, I would just jump to the defensive stand and lash out at what I perceived as evil.
It was then that I realized the evil inside me was in the way I viewed things from how others have treated me before. I will never be able to defeat all evil due to the simple fact I, myself, am always looking for a reason to justify my own belief that everyone else is evil and out to get me. Evil will always be there as long as you continue to look for it. It's like it says in the bible, "Seek and ye shall find." Whatever you seek, you will find because you are inadvertently drawing it to you. Just because some or most people have actually treated you badly, it does not mean that everyone you come across will do the same. Open your hearts and minds to trust even those you may not know personally until that person truly gives you reason not to trust them.
Never assume that you cannot trust a person if you don't know them personally because then you may wonder what could have been different if you had trusted that person should things go wrong by not doing so. Also, it is wrong to judge someone you do not know personally just by what someone else had done to you. Doing so may wind up with you losing out on what could have been the best thing that ever happened to you.
Another evil that could be lurking within is your own faults should you refuse to look inside and notice them. It took me a very long time to know my own faults because of this very thing. I was so stubborn that I always brushed aside whatever anyone would say about me and pass it off as them only trying to bring me down. Most of them were, but there were still some who really cared and wanted to help me become a better person. The thing was that all those who were only trying to help me agreed on a lot of things more than the most who only wanted to bring me down. Those who only wanted to bring me down would say just random things about me that was only because it was not the same as them. The things that were agreed upon by many was my temper (quick at first, but less so as time went on), my inability to handle stress correctly (lashing out more quickly when stressed out than I would when not), putting myself down way too much, sometimes uncontrollable regressions in mental state, and my financial instability. Point is that when many people try to point out the same exact thing, you should really take notice because when people agree, there most definitely is a problem whether you want to admit or not. If many people are telling you that you have an issue with not keeping your house clean, for example, then even if one or two of them may just be blowing smoke just because of who they are, there is most definitely a problem that needs to be addressed. Don't try to justify you keeping your house dirty by talking about how it was when you were growing up, how dirty another person's house may be, or by spewing the faults of someone else to show how your faults are any less important than that certain other. Faults are faults and not one is greater or lesser than another. In the end, they all are equally wrong.
People suffer in this world not only because of outside influences trying to gain power over others, but also because of the very evil that lies within each of us as individuals. Take a look inside yourself and battle that evil within. Only then can you finally defeat ALL evil. Take care and be safe always everyone.

March 12- The Road Map Of Life

"There is no better a road map of life than this: from knowledge comes wisdom, from wisdom comes strength, from strength comes courage, and from courage comes peace. Trust, faith, belief, hope, and love are just tools that help us along the way."- me
I started off with this philosophical quote I came up with today so that all my readers can see that not only am I good with giving advice along with writing poetry and novels, but I am also quite a philosopher when I put my mind to it. I sometimes come up with these quotes as I am pondering the many mysteries of life and love to share them once I get it in my mind. These quotes are not just random musings, but can help anyone who reads them to learn what I had to learn on my own. To be a good teacher, it is not just coming up with the quote, but knowing how to break it down and explain the meanings behind it. All the famous philosophers never really explained what they were meaning, but left it to the readers to figure it out. I, on the other hand, have come to learn how one thing can be interpreted many different ways as I have already explained many times before in my previous entries. It is for this reason that I now will break each section down and explain it to those who may be reading and wondering what I am trying to say. Let me begin.
1. There is no better a road map of life than this- Basically life is most often referred as a road we all travel every day. "Life is like a road that you travel on," was sung in Rascal Flatts' "Life is a Highway". I say that what follows is like a road map that can guide those who follow my map and keep them from getting lost in their search for peace.
2. from knowledge comes wisdom- As people, we are always the weakest when we don't have any knowledge or understanding of something. It is always best to begin your journey toward peace learning what needs to be learned and then you will get wisdom when you apply that knowledge to get you to the next checkpoint.
3. from wisdom comes strength- The next checkpoint is when you use your wisdom of what you learned and gain strength from that wisdom. A lot of others will say that strength is measured by muscles and body, but they are wrong. Strength comes from having wisdom to know when and how to fight as well as when and how not to. After strength is achieved through wisdom, you will see that getting to the half-way mark to peace is much easier than getting from the start to the first checkpoint.
4. from strength comes courage- This is the half-way mark on the road of life toward peace. It is also again one that many will try and say I am wrong on. Those who do will believe that it is courage that gives you strength, are the ones who do not know what true strength is. They believe not only what I mentioned above but also that strength is power. Through courage they gain this power over others, but they will never have peace because they will constantly have to be on guard for others like them who wish to challenge their power. This is why I say the strength I know to be strength brings courage. With courage, nothing can deter you from completing your journey.
5. from courage comes peace- Courage is not being afraid and knowing that you will not be moved from finding the peace you so long for. Once you have reached all the above points in life for the thing you were finding peace for, you will still have new things come up that will once again require you to repeat the steps because it is mainly the fear of the unknowing that causes our peace to be wavered until we regain the knowledge, wisdom, strength and courage to get past each individual new thing we do not understand.
6. Trust, faith, belief, hope, and love are just tools to help us along the way.- This basically lists in order of importance the different tools we can use in life to help us along our journey until our last day on Earth. Trust is most important because we all need to trust one another as well as ourselves in what we believe. Faith is built stronger upon the trust that is our foundation. Belief needs faith to settle on because without that faith our beliefs are dead and can be shaken down by anyone who believes differently or even by events in our lives we may find hard to overcome. Hope comes from our belief because everyone has rights to believe in anything that gives them hope to go on, and no one has the right to force anyone to change their belief. The final tool is love which can be gotten when we all come together and stop judging each other for our differences in skin color, outer appearance, gender, sexual preference, faith, actions, interests, and what we may feel like inside. I call trust, faith, belief, hope, and love each an individual tool to help us along the way, but as you can plainly see each prior tool is needed to create the next tool down from it, so they are all connected as one in a way.
I hope this blog has filled you with something to use in life. In parting, take care and be safe always everyone.

March 02- Three In One

Hello again to all my readers. Due to the Mardi Gras season being upon the state of Louisiana, I have been unable to post daily. In order to catch up on days that I missed, I have three pieces of advice to give in this one post.
My first piece of advice is on how it is always wrong to make a judgment based on only one person's side of a story. I would like to say a quote that I always live by. "Any judgment made on only half of a story is a tainted one." By that, I basically mean that if you were to hear one person's side of any story they tell about someone else and make a judgment without hearing the other person's side of that same story, you would only be hearing what that person believes in their mind to be true about the other. They may either leave out certain things or falsify certain pieces of information that would be crucial to making a good judgment that may ultimately make that person to be more in the wrong than what they appear. It's always best to hear both sides in order to be able to look at all what is said and then form your own opinion instead of falling victim to being manipulated into believing what the one person you hear from believes. The same goes for any story about anything else other than another person.
My second piece of advice that I have just recently experienced is to say exactly what you mean to say. Choose your words carefully because someone may take what you say to mean something other than what you actually were saying. For example, my daughter's mother had asked me once she found out she was pregnant how I felt about going to be a father for the second time. I had told her that I was both overjoyed and scared. I was overjoyed because it is so spectacular to play a part in bringing life into this world, but I was scared because I knew was not financial prepared for having another child and worried whether or not I would be able to support the new child as well as the son I already had. I told her exactly that to which I got this from her, "Well what are you saying? You want me to go and have an abortion?" Here's where my words were taken and misunderstood. I responded to her simply, "You suggested it and not me." Of course what I meant by that but did not say was that being she suggested it, she must have obviously had it on HER mind to go and do it, and I was not going to stop her. She took it to mean that I was suggesting she have an abortion and now claims I never wanted my daughter. In actuality, my thoughts on the matter of abortion is somewhere between Pro Life and Pro Choice. I am Pro Life because I don't believe that killing anyone is right and an unborn child is still a person and therefore an abortion is the same as killing a person. However, I am also Pro Choice because I feel that if a woman carrying an unborn child can actually go and kill that person inside of them and still rest easy knowing what they have done, I'm not going to stop them. The reason for that is because I'm not the one they have to answer to in the end. I'm not the one who will judge them for doing it. That is ultimately our Creator's job. The main point is still the same, however. You can see now how one simple phrase, "You suggested it and not me," was taken two different ways and could possibly be taken several other ways as well by many different people. Again, choose your words carefully. The best bet is to say things exactly as they are in your mind to say them so there can be no doubt as to what you mean to say.
My third and final piece of advice is to never jump to conclusions if you don't have all the information needed to form a good conclusion. This kind of ties in with both pieces of advice from before in that it is easy to jump to conclusions either way. If you only hear one side of a story, then you don't have the full information you need to form an unbiased conclusion, so therefore you have indeed jumped to a conclusion. Also, if you don't understand what a person is meaning by what they are saying, it would be better to ask them if they can fully explain what they are trying to get across. Otherwise, you jump to conclusions and begin to form in your own mind a belief of what they have said that may not be what they wanted to get across. Another way you can jump to a conclusion is when you walk in on people having a conversation whether in person or online and make a conclusion based only on the parts you heard or saw written and not everything that was actually being discussed. Instead, if you walk in on half of a conversation and it pertains to you, then you need to politely ask if someone can fill you in on what you missed so that you don't doing something you'd regret because you took offense to what you concluded by only hearing or seeing part of a conversation.
Well, that's it readers. I'll try my best to be back tomorrow with more advice for you all. Take care and be safe always.

February 27- Put Things In Proper Order Of Importance

Here we go again. It's a new day with so much new things to learn. I only hope that my readers can at least learn something new from me. It doesn't have to be the only lesson they learn each day because the way I see it is that we all learn new lessons every single waking moment of each new day of our lives. My advice I wish to give today is to put things in proper order of importance.
Have you ever had a decision to make that you went to bed questioning in your mind which way to go or whether or not doing something would be a good thing or not? Have you, then, ever received an answer to that unspoken question while you sleep in the form of a dream? I did today. The reason I want to talk about this first is because it is ultimately what gave me the idea of what advice to give today. I won't go into detail of what I was trying to decide except to say that it was whether or not to get something I wanted when I get my checks next month. I went to sleep debating over this in my mind, and in a dream the answer did come with someone I couldn't actually see the face of asking me, "Why are so down and out today?" I answered this person, "Because I don't know if it would be a good idea to get this thing I really want to get when I know there are people who need my help to get things for them, and I don't want to disappoint them." This person then responded so frankly that I was shocked this stranger even knew my life story, "Why are you so worried about what everyone else needs or wants when everyone seems to want from you, but then when you want, you have to go without?" That was when I woke up. It is true that everyone seems to want from me, but I always go without whenever I want something because I sacrifice everything to give everyone what they ask of me. Then, when I ask for something from them, they refuse to help me.
That brings me to what I actually want to post about. The best thing to always remember is to put things in proper order of importance. If you have a child living with you, the child's needs always come first. Next, you take care of your own needs. Then, you save a little for any emergency that might come up with your child or yourself. Finally, if you have enough money left over, you can get whatever you want. If you live alone, the order is still pretty much the same except you don't have to worry about what a child needs, but you still have to get what you NEED first. I would also at least recommend saving a little emergency cash for yourself before getting anything you want. You never know when you might fall ill and need money for medicine.
When it comes to a list of things that needs to be done, sort them out by selecting the thing with the most priority first and then going down the list with the next important thing that needs to be done and so on until you get to the things that would be no problem saving for another day should you not be able to get everything done in one day. That way, you will have less stress when trying to get it done and not be confused as to what order you want to do them in.
Anyway, that is my two cents for today. Take care and be safe always everyone, and remember to put things in proper order of importance because not everyone who asks of you will be there when you need the most to help you pay something that should have been paid first or do something that should have been done first.

February 25- Be Yourself

Hello again to all my readers. Today's post is going to go in a whole new direction from the drama I have been posting so much of. Instead, I want to start posting some advice for all of you. Maybe at least one of you will take some advice I give and actually use it to better your own life. I'm not going to be able to tell who uses my advice, but at least it will be here for anyone who does wish to take it.
One thing that always seems to be an issues with most people of today is the difficulty of just being themselves no matter what others tell them is " not normal", "not natural", "sick", or even "sinful". We are all born with certain personality characteristics that define who we are, what we are, which gender we love, what we believe, or even what interests us the most. Some of us choose to go by what we were born with. Others are influenced so much by what they are taught that their minds become closed to anything that does not fit that programming even to the point where they lose their own selves that they were born as. It is these people that begin later in life to re-discover the things they were born with but or so afraid to become what they were born to become because of what they were taught and how others would reject them.
I used to be one of those people until I learned that it is okay to be unique and different, for if we were meant to all be the same, believe the same, think the same, do the same, or even enjoy the same things as everyone else, we would be all robots of the same make and model following the same program. The world would be so dull and void of anything life-like. We are all unique, however, and have different views on what normal is in our own view of reality based on whatever we were born with.
I AM FEMALE. I don't care now that I have male parts, and I wish others would just accept me and refer to me by my own label I place on myself and not what label they put on me just by what they see me as due to what life has taught them about the differences between a female body and a male one. I won't even refer to myself as transsexual anymore because that would be like accepting that I am male but wishing to be female. I AM FEMALE.
I AM BISEXUAL. Love has no boundaries and cannot distinguish between male and female. We all love who we love. If a man loves another man, who are we to limit that love to where a man can only love a woman. If a woman loves a woman, who are we to limit that love to where a woman can only love a man. If a woman loves both a man and a woman, again we cannot limit that love. The same for a man that loves a man and a woman. I AM BISEXUAL.
I AM A TRUE INFANTILIST. I may have the physical age of an adult, but there are times when I feel the need to regress to a child of 1-2 years old. Some may consider that to be an adult baby, but a true infantilist is not an adult baby just like a transsexual is not a transvestite. Being an adult baby pertains to being so for the sexual gratification much like a transvestite wears opposite gender clothing for such reasons. A true infantilist does it for comfort, because it just feels right to them to be the age they regress to, to find love they may not have had at childhood, and/or as a defense mechanism for times of stress. When they regress, they want nothing more than to actually be the age they regress to with nothing adult related on their minds except for having a "mommy" and/or "daddy" to take care of them as a "mommy" and/or "daddy" does to real children of that age. This is much like a transsexual who wears opposite gender clothing for comfort or just because it feels right to them because that is what they believe themselves to be despite outer appearances. I AM A TRUE INFANTILIST.
These are just a few examples of what I know myself to be to show you all how to get past the negativity of others who were programmed to believe one thing and refuse to open their minds to the possibility of anything other than that. There was one point brought to my attention in a forum on another site I go to. That point was that whatever each individual chooses to label themselves as, it is their right to do so. Whatever label you feel is right for you, then that is the one you can put on and be. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different. When you live your life for others, you are living their life and not your own. Live for yourself and just be yourself. Take care and be safe always everyone.

February 23- Free Will Vs. Destiny And Other Things I Believe In

I know I have already posted about the bible and how it can be interpreted so many different ways according to who is interpreting it and what they want anyone else to believe according to their own beliefs. Today, I just want to take time out to talk a little bit about my own beliefs. It's not to try and force what I believe on anyone else, but rather to inform my readers about what I believe in and why. The most important thing to always remember when it comes to belief is that a belief without faith strong enough to back that belief no matter what may come your way is a dead belief because faith is what keeps the belief alive. The next important thing to remember is that whatever an individual believes in, it is their right to have that belief because everyone needs something to believe in or else living would be meaningless. With that said, I now move on to describe each of my beliefs and why I feel so strongly about that belief.
My first belief is one that I have already spoken of in a post from before. The creator of our Earth was a woman and not a man. I say this not because I feel I am a woman and not a man, but rather because when thinking of the people who revised the bible from what they interpreted the old writings or even tales passed down to be, they were all men. Women at that time were forced to be seen and not heard, so of course making our creator to be a man gave them right to show how a man was more powerful than a woman. They also wrote in that women had no say in a man's business other than to cook, clean, and bare children and that this was their God's very own say in how it should be. They even have some countries that went as far as telling the women that their God ordered that women should not show their face in public and always walk behind man to show respect for man's dominance over them. What they failed to mention in their teachings, however, is that there is a contradiction in their own writing of the bible. That contradiction comes when they claim that, "No one has seen the face of God for God shines so bright even brighter than the sun that to look upon the face of God would be instant death." If no one has actually seen God, what right then do they have of constantly referring to God as a HIM or HE without being guilty of gender discrimination? To me our creator comes to each individual however that individual believes our creator to be. To me, our creator is most definitely a female because it is what I have felt since birth and stand by it to my dying day.
My second belief is another one I have spoken of before in my postings. I believe that what most call angels are really lesser gods and goddesses that have the powers to control nature but must still report to the Mother of Creation even though they are still higher powers than we are.
I believe this to be true because the bible only says that, "There shall be no gods BEFORE me." Looking at this, the Mother of all Creation did not deny the existence of other gods and goddesses, but rather that we do not worship them above Her. It also says in the very beginning, "Let us make man in OUR own image." Who is the others that make up the OUR if not other gods and goddesses? Some preachers would say that "He" was speaking to "His" son and the holy spirit in order to further educate others towards the holy trinity theory which they believe in. Still, there are others who believe there was no holy trinity and that there was only God the "Father", God the "Son" (God coming to Earth in the human form of again a man), and God the Spirit. All parts being just one almighty. Again, it is all about what the individual believes. If you believe the second part, then again I must ask, who were the others that made up the OUR in the phrase I mentioned?
My third belief is again one I have made mention of before. I believe in three plains of existence. The high plane or heavens, the physical plane which we live in, and purgatory. What I may have not mentioned about purgatory is that there is no Satan in my belief. It is just a place that people who have done horribly wrong things in their lives are sent to face their own personal demons according to what that individual committed to be sent there for the rest of eternity. For example, if you were to murder someone. When you die, you would go to purgatory to be murdered day after day for all eternity. That would be your personal demon. I don't believe in Hell or that Lucifer rules over it, because in Revelations of the bible it talks about a lake of fire that evil souls will be thrown into where they will suffer for all eternity. It also says then that the "beast" will be thrown into the pit and locked there for one thousand years and then be set loose to once AGAIN walk the Earth. The bible also says that Lucifer was once an "angel" of God that cast was cast down to EARTH for trying to make themselves seem more powerful than God by claiming he could win more souls over than God could. He was never cast into what most people call hell. He was cast down to Earth. That is why we have so much pain and hardships that befall us here on Earth because Lucifer is part of our physical plane until he is thrown into the pit and locked up for one thousand years upon which he will be again walking the Earth to wage battle on the forces of good after which he and all his forces will also go into the pit of fire for all eternity. At least that is what I gather from what their bible says. He is not already in the pit of fire, he is here among us. Like the Mother of all Creation, he too can appear to us in any form he chooses.
My fourth belief is one I have never mentioned before. I believe in the power of nature. At least when it comes to healing the emotionally ill which I also believe most illnesses actually derive from. You may have noticed that whenever you feel the most depressed or have suffered a significant emotional trauma in your life, you have been the most easily attuned to getting sick from one thing or another. I know I have. Anyway, even so called sinus attacks most often occur when our emotions are not at our best because when we are depressed we loose energy that keeps us moving and enjoying our life. This lack of energy in turn allows for better chances of whatever attacks our sinuses to make them flare up more of an opportunity to do just that. Nature (and I'm not saying it is the absolute cure for everything) has a calming effect that soothes the emotions and takes away the stress because when anyone respects and shows nature love, nature in turn does likewise. Nature does not judge based on what a person appears on the outside to look like. Nature does not care what a person believes themselves to be on the inside. Nature does not care what things an individual may be into that other people would view as not natural, normal, or call that person sick for them being into it. Nature just totally and completely accepts each and every one of us as we are. It is when a person realizes this that nature's healing powers began to manifest themselves to that person. I know most people want to blame nature for their illness, but what they fail to realize is that without pollution that we ourselves have caused, nature would be as it was before our arrival. It is nature's fault that mankind has treated nature so wrongfully and hatefully to where it is now so polluted with car fumes, pesticides, factory smoke, hair spray fumes, and whatever else we as people have done.
We should not blame nature for our health problems we now suffer from.
My fifth and final belief is that we ourselves have free will to determine what our future holds in store for us. Of course, the bible does not deny that we were given free will. However, it once again contradicts itself when it says that before we are even born God has counted every hair on our head and knows what we are going to think about before we think about it, say before we say it, and do before we even do it because "He" has already predetermined our lives for us. This leads me to believe that we don't have free will, but rather we are forced to play a part in some destiny that God has already written for us. It also leads me to believe that not only are we just actors and actresses reciting from a script that God has written, but that those who believe in the "Butterfly Effect" (changing one thing in the past changes the future) would be lying. Let's say I had enough money to go out and buy me a mansion tomorrow. I know I don't, but this is just an example. According to the bible, it was already predestined for me to have that mansion, so even if time travel were possible, and I was to go back and change one event in my life that would cause me to not have the money I had to get that mansion, I will still come back to the present and have my mansion because it was already predestined that I would have one. Also, using my son. Again, if I was to time travel back and change me ever meeting my son's birth mother, Tiff, I would still have my son because it was predestined I would have him. For my last example, this time I will travel to the future to see I died in a car crash on July 17th, 2014. Now say I came back to the present knowing what is supposed to happen. I choose not to get in the car or any vehicle for that matter on that day. Being our lives are pre destined, you're telling me I would not be able to prevent my death even by not getting in any vehicle on that day? It doesn't make sense, does it? Unless you think it would happen like in Final Destination, free will allows us as individuals to write our own future based on the actions we choose in the present. There is no way our futures are already planned out.
Those are all my beliefs and why I believe in them. I know it is only few, but I just want to add in closing that there are other things I am open to the possibility of. I don't believe in ghosts, but I am open to the possibility they do exist. I don't believe in voodo0, hoodoo, or any spell casting of any sort, but I am open to the possibility spell casting can be done. I don't believe in aliens coming to Earth, but I am open to the possibility they exist on other planets. You see, no matter what differences we have in what we individually believe in, we need to always keep ourselves open to the possibility that the other person's belief may be fact and not pure fiction or even that they will not go to "Hell" for not believing what we as individuals believe. That's all I got for today. Take care and be safe always everyone.

February 22- I'm Back

To all my readers, I do apologize for being M.I.A. for so long. A lot has gone done since I last wrote. I will start with Tiff, Austin's birth mother, coming to pick Austin up from me.
After a week of not hearing from her and being rushed off the phone every time I called, I began to worry. What worried me the most was when I heard that she was letting her future husband pretty much raise Austin instead of her including spanking him when he needed to be. I of course had objected to this and went to get him. I had to make sure I did it correctly, so I had an officer from her parish escort me there to make sure there was no domestic violence from her or me. I wound up getting him back after a long time of persuasion from my sister who had brought me and myself. Things were going alright, and I had thought Miss Cunningham was finally going to try and make up for her not being a mother to me by not standing up against me when George Bordelon, her ex-husband, had abused me. I also thought things were going to be better between Crystal Pitre, my daughter's mother, and me. I was wrong on both counts as you all will see as you keep reading.
Before I speak about Mrs. Cunningham, I need to first talk about my trying to compromise with Tiff on joint custody of our son. I tried first by inviting her to come to see Austin every other Saturday until Sunday evening until we could get something legal set up that would insure Austin would come back to me when her time with him was done and vice-a-versa. I did not include Theo because I felt that he was nothing to Austin legally, so there was no reason to include him. However, after some advice from Douglas William's, Tiff's legal father and a father in spirit to me, and Leonie Aucoin, my ex-uncle in-law, I finally decided to include Theo since he was involved with Tiff and therefore it was only right to do so based on what was explained to me. Then, Tiff had complained about her work not letting her off for those days, and that I should be flexible on when she could come. To this Mrs. Cunningham took up for her after reading the copies of emails I was sending her instead of just saving them for legal proof that I made attempts to compromise with Tiff as I originally had asked her too. Mrs. Cunningham told me when I had gone over to her home to see my daughter that Tiff did have a good point on the work thing despite the knowledge that Tiff always had some excuse to use to not see her son and that the work thing was just one that happened to make good sense to use. That's how I saw it anyway knowing Tiff's way of doing things having lived with her for almost two years whereas Mrs. Cunningham has never lived with her to know what I knew. This was just the beginning of Mrs. Cunningham's actions that proved she had not changed her ways of not standing up for me, but rather would stand up for her own worst enemy if only not have to stand up for me. I say this because I know Mrs. Cunningham loathes Tiff from her making excuses not to see her son when he was living with Crystal under Mrs. Cunningham's roof, and yet Mrs. Cunningham took up for Tiff instead of me and asked me to change my stand.
As I said, it was just the beginning. The next time was when I was working on a joint custody agreement that Tiff's grandma on Doug's side, Ellen Chickie Allemand a.k.a Maw-Maw Chickie, had once drawn up for Tiff and me. I had changed only a few things as far as the day Tiff's visitation would begin as well as adding some stipulations that would allow me to have the right as any father should to make sure his son was being left somewhere that was safe and sanitary as well as allowing Theo to use any discipline except for spanking on Austin. Tiff then complained that I should keep the holidays the same as they were, but I had never changed the holidays as they were originally written. However, because Tiff had once again picked an excuse that made good sense even though it was flawed because there was no mention of how it was never changed from how it always was and also no mention of how it wouldn't just be one person doing all the driving, but that both parent's were responsible for taking Austin to the other when it was the other parent's turn to have him, Mrs. Cunningham was quick to again take Tiff's side without getting all the correct info. This time she had sent me an email again telling me Tiff had a good point and that I should reconsider my stand. When I wrote her back telling her how it hurt me with her taking Tiff's side almost all the time and filling in that missing information, she responded by saying that she didn't know any of that before she said what she did. I politely responded that she should be sure to get all the facts before choosing sides, but I had no idea what the real reasons behind her doing just that were until I once again looked into my past and how she never did take my side on anything. She took George Bordelon's side when a police report of child abuse was made out complete with photos of bruises on my neck, arms, back, legs, and chest from his attack on me just the night before.She took my sister, Christine's, side whenever Christine would swear she had done the chores we were supposed to rotate every week doing even though it was me who had done them the week before. She took Tiff's side on everything, and she continues to take Crystal's side against me.
Now let's get to Crystal Pitre. I guess it is true you never know a person just by what they say online. I had fallen in love with her after meeting her online and all the good things she said about herself. It was so good that I was willing to look past our different interests and her being an indoor person whereas I was an outdoor person all because of the good things she said about herself which was true when I met her in person. There was just one thing I had wished I had know before getting involved with her. I wished I had know how much of a control freak she really was. Even before she was pregnant, she seemed like someone who just had to have control of everything. I was living with Doug, and she eventually moved in with us. He saw for himself and would confer with me his displeasure of how she was controlling me when it came to raising Austin and also not keeping up with her end of the bargain he had made with her for her to move in with us. She was supposed to watch Austin while I went to work, and keep the house clean. She would always complain about Doug's way of living and try to make him stop. Then, after we moved to her friend Katricia Autin a.k.a. Tish, she continued to control me with how I was to raise Austin. Then she found out she was pregnant. After a hurricane forced us to move into the house of a friend I was working with at the time, Ronnie Naquin, and his girlfriend at the time Tammy (now married to Ronnie), things got worse. She still controlled the raising of Austin, but then she began to control the way I spent my money, the job I just had to stay at even though I expressed my displeasure several times with how they were treating me and wanted to quit, she wouldn't even let me spend time with my friend Ronnie without bitching. The main thing, though, was when it came to naming our daughter after she had found out it was a girl. Before we had met, I had told her online that I had made a promise to my birth mother who had passed away in 2006 that my first baby girl should I have one would have Marie in her middle name in memory of my birth mother. When Crystal found out it was a girl, she said there would be no need to TRY and pick a name because she already knew what she wanted her name to be and that it would be Justice Faith. I told her again about my promise and suggested Faith Marie. Crystal said no, she wanted it to be Justice Faith because Justice was HER nickname in school and Faith was someone SHE knew. I said that she could have Justice Faith, but I wanted Marie as part of the middle name and suggested Justice Faith Marie, but she complained that it would be too long of a middle name and that she wanted Justice Faith. She ended by saying there would be no more discussion on that because Justice Faith was what it would be.
To make a long story short and cut to the chase, she controlled everything since we met and continues even until this day. My final straw was when she tried to control how I raised Justice when she had to go to work leaving me watching her since the girl was sick and could not go to daycare. Another thing Crystal had done from when Justice was just born was to run to her whenever she would scream. I advised her not to do that because Justice so used to that she would never be able to leave her sight without problems whenever Justice got older. My advice went ignored and Crystal now complains how she can't leave Justice's sight without Justice screaming. Of curse, she tries to blame me and my having to leave state due to unforeseen circumstances beyond my control by saying Justice only does that because she feels abandoned. How could she when Crystal was always running to her every time she would scream even after she had taken her from me when we broke up because of her controlling me too much and my having to back away to escape it. Back to what I want to talk about. Last week, I was over at Mrs. Cunningham's home because Justice was sick and Crystal had to go to work. I was going to stay from Monday night until Sunday evening since that weekend was going to be my weekend with my daughter anyway and it wouldn't have made since for Crystal to make too many trips back and forth. That Wednesday, Justice was not running fever or sick at all except for a very bad cough from screaming all night before because she couldn't see her mommy. Crystal refused to listen to my advice to send her to nursery since there seemed no reason for her to be kept home. Crystal then left to go to grab something for me to cook that night since she worked until 5 and wouldn't have time. Justice began screaming in her high chair the moment her mommy left. I then took a walk outside to show Justice screaming would not get her way with me. Crystal complained about this and Mrs. Cunningham took her side as usual.
I got so stressed that Theo and Tiff ( both of whom I am getting closer to once again) had to come get me and Austin out of there. I also let them take Austin with them to stay there. Now, I have decided to allow Tiff to be domicile parent instead of me because it would be more stable for him to live there due to my inability to handle too much stress and him possibly missing too much school with me whenever I got too stressed and had to give him to Tiff anyway. I actually think this way will work out much better for everyone.
To wrap this up, I sent an email to Mrs. Cunningham and Crystal trying to make peace with them and letting them know how I felt. No response as of yet, and I honestly don't think I will get one. I tried calling Crystal twice today. The first time I figured she may not have answered due to being busy with Justice, but the second time I left a voice message asking her to call me back. I have not heard back from her. I really think I know already that they have made their stand. It isn't with me, so I wash my hands of them both. I am sorry that my daughter will have to grow up without her father, but it was pretty much that way even with me there anyway. I'll let her know the truth when she grows up and seeks me out if she does. That's the end of my post for today. I'll be sure to write more as life goes on. As always, I want everyone to take care and be safe always.